- A friend from school surprised us with dinner tonight and supplies to whip up dinner for tomorrow night.
- Everyone sat peaceably through the $1 movie this morning without incident. I'm not sure that Annie ever even saw the movie. She was more interested in doing whatever it took to get the gummy bears that the kids were passing around!
- Having friends that you can be completely truthful with and not worry about them changing their phone number!
- Knowing that another friend's husband is coming to work on Annie's window tomorrow night.
- Thinking about how many friends have stood in various gaps over the last few weeks for hundreds of different reasons.
Uncertainties:
After our appointment tonight for Dasha, here are the highlights of what I was told...
- Don't leave her unattended
- She might be a danger to herself or others
- This is a serious problem (OK, by this point, my mind was numb and all I could think of was the Wonder Pets singing, "This is see-ree-ous!")
- Residential, inpatient treatment is recommended most times
- No remorse for her actions visible
- Come back next Tuesday and we'll talk some more (Really? Would you just like me to write you a check to cover your car payment? You tell me that this is see-ree-ous but then tell me to wait a week. Which is it)?
OK, folks. Please hear me. I'm trying so hard not to lose my mind or lose control! I know I've done nothing but whine about how this isn't fair and how I'm on such a roller coaster. After tonight, I just don't even feel anything. I'm seriously numb. I knew there were some issues with Dasha. There have always been issues with Dasha in some capacity. First they tell us that she doesn't have CP. Then they tell us that she does. Then we deal with helping her learn to walk after never walking normally before. Then we get her help to close the hole in the roof of her mouth that lets drool and other stuff run back out of her nose. Then there were the hosts of educational hurdles. But this was like getting hit with a boomerang in the back of the head. Except, it just kept coming back and dinging me again and again and I didn't have the sense to get out of the way.
There's a part of me that's in denial and I want to think that she'd never hurt anyone outside of this house but, geez, I'd never forgive myself if something did happen. And how do I handle not leaving her alone? Does that mean don't leave her unattended while she's taking a bath? Does that mean I park her in the kitchen while I get dinner ready? What exactly does "alone" mean? And inpatient therapy? Isn't that what you see in those movies where they show people in the loony ward wandering around naked and confused? She's not crazy! She's just.... I don't know! She's just Dasha! I just wanted someone to tell me how to handle her not lock her up! She'd cry forever and would probably disappear into herself even more! She was locked up when we adopted her. Ugh. Why? Why? Why?
Come on, now! I've tried so hard to do the right things in all areas minus the ones that my husband continues to point out that I royally screwed up. Why am I having to walk this road? I know this will be part of my story and that I will emerge on the other side but for tonight, the numbness is creepy. I don't even have any tears to shed. I'm not sure what I'd even be crying for. There's a big part of me that's scared that when I wake up in the morning, this numbness will be gone and it will be like anesthesia that wears off in the middle of an operation. I can't afford that kind of pain right now.
Integrity, faith, love, laughter. That's what I have to stay focused on. That's what I want my story to tell but tonight it's hard to discern any of that. I just want someone to take the load for a little while and let me take a breath!
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