Roller coasters

After this morning's rant, I'm really kind of spent and don't have a lot to say. The last couple of days have been a roller coaster. One day, I think I'm on the uphill climb and I stay perilously peaked at the top of the track. The next day, I'm slammed downward straight toward the ground.
There are very few days when my track runs parallel with the ground. Those are the days I yearn for - to feel some emotional stability and not constantly feel like the smallest little thing could make my roller coaster plummet toward the ground.

After Grant left this morning (I still haven't heard from him), I knew it would be a rough day. However, I didn't anticipate Dasha's antics and I can never anticipate what Annie might decide to do. My parents took the girls for a couple of hours this afternoon and gave me a few minutes to at least run to WalMart without little chaperones (one who prefaces a trip to the "store" by saying that she'll walk and not ride in the buggy or stroller). After a few moments of standing in the fabric section of WalMart, I gave up and went home to work on laundry and finishing up a couple of other projects. I ended up making Annie some cute little dresses from bandannas (who knew) which at least made me feel like I'd accomplished something for the day constructive.

Every single book I read and everyone I talk to who has walked this journey tells me that the highs and lows will eventually even out. Ugh. That can't happen soon enough, though. And next week will be a major trial for me. Eric will be here for a few days to visit with the kids. Why is it that simply hearing his voice can be my undoing? I get so mad at myself for these responses and then I feel embarrassed and try to hide them which just makes things worse. While the kids definitely need some time with him, the visits are like salt in my open wounds. I feel like a slug on the sidewalk and Beaver Cleaver is pouring salt all over me! Hopefully the highs and lows of this will soon equalize but this will be a major struggle for me. (Some stupid little part of my brain keeps spinning these tales that he's going to walk in the door and things are going to suddenly go back to normal. Didn't say that was even remotely true - I believe the term used was 'not a snowball's chance in heck' - but that part of my brain that craves routine, security, and comfort just keeps playing delusional tricks. I wish I could turn that little part off or convince it that the other sensible parts of my brain are going to stage an ousting to stop the lies). While the big kids will understand when it's time for Daddy to leave, Annie won't and it will just renew her questions and pleas for him. (That, of course, tugs on my heart-strings which causes me to melt down and the whole dang cycle starts again)! While I know it's not completely true, some days, I think death would be easier to deal with than this in and out situation. I'd know where my place was in the world and that little romantic piece of my brain would turn itself off.

Anyway, these are the things that I ponder as I head for bed tonight - riding the roller coaster over and over again, turning off that dumb, unintelligent piece of my brain that believes things will work out, and beginning to Saran wrap my emotions for Eric's visit. The dreams these thoughts will bring won't be conducive to much sleep but maybe I'll bump into the "man behind the green curtain" during my dreams and I can ask him to disengage the romantic side of me - at least for the time being.