Every parent wants to believe that their child would never do anything that would be considered "bad." However, most of us are aware and would admit that this ability to do the unthinkable is pre-wired in every single child! I've watched my own children on numerous occasions purposefully defy the rules of house and do ridiculous things! I absolutely know that children have a will of their own and can choose between right and wrong. Now, sometimes, they truly don't have enough information or maturity to cognitively think, "Hmmmm... Which choice am I going to make?" But there are those decisions that transcend any doubt and are just blatant acts of definace.
Even with most of the known world ready to admit that children can make bad choices on their own, I always hesitate when I have to call a student's parent and tell them about some choice that little Johnny made that wasn't so wise. So many phone calls begin with, "Mrs. Soandso, I have Johnny standing here with me and he has made a choice today that I'm really sad about." Then, I put Johnny on the phone and he confesses to whatever sin has occurred. (Remember, I teach 3rd grade so we're normally dealing with being disrespectful or forgetting homework for the hundredth time)! Then, Johnny takes the phone and gets teary eyed and blurts out, "I'm sorry mom! I won't do it again!" I'm never sure what transpires between that statement and moments later when Johnny is sent back to class and I take the receiver again. By this time, Mrs. Soandso usually has an arsenal of excuses about Johnny's behavior. Believe me, I've heard just about every line in the book! (And these are usually very sane and reasonable parents)!
As a parent, we just never want to believe that our child has done something ridiculous! We want someone or something else to blame it on!
I just fell prey to this whole delusion and landed flat on my butt!
Almost on a daily basis, teachers come and tell me about Dasha's exploits throughout the day. I'm rarely surprised by the things she does. Annie's baby sitter tells me about the wild things that she does throughout the day and I'm never surprised on that account, either! Both of our girls are free-spirited and need very clear boundaries. When that doesn't happen, they'll both try to get away with murder. Grant, on the other hand, has never been in major trouble since his preschool debut when he bit another child on the tush! (I still have the note the teacher sent home and I plan to frame it and give it to his wife one day)! However, Grant has just always hated conflict and stayed away from any major calamities. Yes, we have the normal "clean your room" and "stop pestering the girls" battles but nothing crazy and definitely nothing with anyone other than family. In fact, his teachers sing his praises and think he's nearly perfect! I guess I did to and I'd completely forgotten that he's and eleven-year-old boy! (I'm hearing the Jaws theme music in the background now)!
Several weeks ago, Eric upgraded his iPhone to the newer version. (Not a big surprise for most folks. He's a techno-nerd)! So, we decided to keep his old phone activated and let Grant use it. It was great to be able to text Grant when we were out and make sure that the girls had not tied the sitter up and set the house on fire! And, yes, of course, we'd talked with him about appropriate usage of the phone and blocked most of the apps and websites. We thought we were getting the best of both worlds. (Ugh, the Jaws music just changed to Hannah Montana! - It's a joke you wouldn't understand unless you have a preteen girl)! :) Anyway, the phone situation seemed to be working out. However, when Eric and I returned home last night, Grant told us that his phone wasn't working and that he'd tried to plug it in to charge it but nothing happened. We were all tired to I put the phone to the side and told him we'd deal with it in the morning.
This morning, while waiting for everyone to get ready for church, Eric hooked the phone up to the computer to sync it. (I'm still not sure what the problem was. I never even thought to ask). However, Grant's text messages came up. Eric started scrolling through a conversation that Grant had been having with a classmate. As I looked over Eric's shoulder, I learned that Grant has a "girlfriend" and then I saw the mother of all bad words right there on the screen! I immediately asked Eric if he could block this classmate so he couldn't text Grant anymore. Eric went back to working on the phone and I went on to get breakfast ready. As I rushed around, I patted Grant on the back and asked him if that classmate always used vulgar language. He proceeded to tell me that he did and that he was a real monster. (I didn't ask about the girlfriend thing because I was still too shocked)!
I walked back into the office and for some reason looked over Eric's should again at the text log and it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't the other kid that had used the rotten language, it was my own son! What? OK, if you know me well, you know that I'm prone to say an ugly word if I slam my hand in the door or smack my head on a hard blunt object. (This is something that I'm not proud of but I'll admit that it's an area that I need to work on)! But, I've sure never uttered that combination of words! In that instant, I felt like a million and one emotions sailed through my head. Disappointment was the biggest feeling that was surging but I was also so aggravated at myself for not even thinking that my son was capable of texting such filth. I was no better than Mrs. Soandso who believed that little Johnny must have been tricked into making a bad choice! (Yeah, I even thought to ask Grant if he had a good reason for his language! Duh! There's never been a good reason to use vulgar language)!
As I struggled to wrap my mind around this, Eric continued to sit at his desk. Somehow, he's always able to see the big picture and know what to do! He wasn't mad or frantic like I was. He just continued to sit calmly. (I wanted him to get his butt out of that chair and go strangle HIS son but I kept my thoughts to myself)!
When I deal with issuing consequences of any kind, I want them to be meaningful and befit the crime. In my mind, the master of constructing these kinds of consequences was Heathcliff Huxtable (Bill Cosby). When Theo or one of the girls did something stupid, Cliff always managed to create a consequence that was meaningful and that would certainly never be forgotten. So, I began to think, "What would Claire and Cliff do?"
After a quick chat with Eric (still seated at his desk), we decided not to say anything to Grant until after church. Then, as Eric got ready to run some errands, he calmly told Grant that he was disappointed about the text and explained to him that we all have choices to make. Those choices can be easily influenced by those around us. (Eric is also a VERY good enforcer / explain-er. I'm convinced that he could use his smooth calm to convince warring nations to cease their fighting and play nice)! Anyway, we asked Grant to write a note to the mother of the child he was texting. I don't know if this will have the effect that we want to get but I'm sure he at least knows where we stand on the issue now. (Not that he didn't know before! It's that darn peer pressure that you assume will never get to your child)!
Bottom line, today, I realized that ALL of my children are capable of making stupid choices. However, it's our job to help direct their path. Sometimes, the path seems to be straight and the kids walk down it like a hog following a truck full of slop. Other times, I feel like we're trying to coerce donkeys down and around a rocky mountain trail! Heaven help us! I do know that we've been given this opportunity to help teach and refine our children and raise them up to be able to discern right from wrong and make the right choices. That job seems to get tougher and tougher each year, though!
So, for this time in my life, I guess you can just call me Mrs. Soandso until I come to the full realization that my children are NORMAL and will do normal things like test limits and try to be cool.
Please note - I still can't believe that I'm about to hit PUBLISH and open this up for the world to see. So, if you read this now and then go back for another laugh later and find this post is missing, just understand that I probably came to my senses and deleted it!
