There wasn't a blog entry last night for a very good reason. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in between the yellow lines and I knew quite well that anything I posted last night, I'd have to delete this morning! It was one of those days.Grant was preparing for a backpacking trip. Eric is an expert in this area. I am not. Grant convinced me he needed $50 of food and a new tent (thank you, Tuesday Morning for $30). I fell for it. I shelled out almost $100 to cover his "necessities" for a trip thinking that I didn't want my baby roaming around in 95 degree weather without all of the necessities he needed. The boy snookered me. He definitely didn't "need" a tent and most of the food items he demanded were also beyond necessity. Why did he do that to me? How was I to know? (There will definitely be consequences for the boy but for now, I'm left with a frustrated heart)! Eric should be here dealing with this. He knows the ins and outs of backpacking and would have quickly laughed at Grant when he announced his check list for the trip. Yeah, he video chatted with him about the details and texted him but it's just not the same and being here to actually see him struggling to get the 30 pound (or more) pack strapped on his back but wouldn't let me help him lessen his load (physically and emotionally). My heart just kept cycling through anger, bitterness, sorrow, and sheer frustration.
While all of the camping checklist items were being purchased, I was trying to get Annie's old clothes together to take to the consignment shop, as well. She wasn't very excited about the task which meant she was pulling at me and whining incessantly. Aaahhhhh!!!! After dropping off two huge totes of clothes to the consignment shop, they offered me $10. Seriously? I took all of the clothes and left. Maybe I'll find time to Craig's List them.
Dasha, well, Dasha was being Dasha. Anyone who knows her can tell you that she needs consistent structure or she just gets loony. Structure is the one thing that I've been lax on for the last couple of days. I don't want to have everything hyper-scheduled for the first week of my break! So, Dasha has been eating weird things (erasers, sticks, paper, pencils) and acting like she's two years old. All of that sure didn't help my overall attitude. (I did manage to enroll her in camp for the same week Grant will be at BSA camp - whew)!
Anyway, you can see how my day went. It was one speed bump after another and I think I was the speed bump. It was one of those days when I continued to question, "Why," and then want to pinch myself in disbelief that I'm in this predicament. I know my contributions to our marriage were never what they should have been but how could someone just walk away? It doesn't make any sense to me! Annie saw a commercial on TV this morning with a baby and its daddy and she said, "My Daddy go swing and slide at the park. Not hug." Really. That was at 6:45 this morning. It's kind of hard to move on past that. Annie is his complete mini-me! I don't know how to parent her. She's 99% his and 1% mine. I don't understand her daredevil ways or her persistent spirit. That's just not me. He commented so many times that he was excited to see what she could become. It was important to him because he felt like he was missing important pieces from his childhood and he thought she could conquer the world with the right guidance. News flash, I don't think I'm on the right path! My pleas for peace and no conflict don't register with her and simply aggravate her. How could someone with such grand plans for her just leave? Video chat and abbreviated visits are great but he's not here for the impromptu teachable moments that can change a child's world. He's not here when she sees other daddies on tv and wants her own. He's not here to cuddle her and smell her hair when she gets out of the tub at night. This sucks!
But, it with all of this that I must press on and figure out a means to my financial needs and try to raise these three kids (two entering the teen age realm and one in the terrible twos). (Not much left over for myself). Yeah, I've had plenty of offers to help out but it's just not the same. I've thought about packing everyone up and showing up on his doorstep but, heck, I don't even know where he lives! I'm trusted enough to raise our three kids but not with an address. What happened? This is not who he is at his core! He has to be dying inside. (Then I get mad at myself for even wanting to care about how he feels or justifying his actions). And this is how I begin my first weekend of summer break. With a heavy heart, frustrated, and feeling guilty that I just sent Grant off into the wild blue yonder without even giving him a hug and not having a clue if he even packed TP or deodorant for himself. I hope other boys in his patrol took extras or they might tie him up and leave him in the river!
Here's to another great weekend! Bah!
2 comments:
First of all - that is what I mean when I say that your spoiled. You give those kids anything they want without using any common sense. If you didn't always do that maybe he wouldnt play you. And you knew when you adopted Dasha that she might not be as smart as Grant. You need to except her like she is and quit trying to make her like you. You sure seem to be ok with Annie being like her dad but not Dasha. You can't always have every thing your own way.
Anonymous: You're spoiled, not "your spoiled".
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