FAIL x 10

OK, let me see if I can get this all straight...

1) I set my alarm for this morning but didn't realize I had the volume turned all the way down. Fail. After a sleepless night, double FAIL.

2) Yesterday, I changed my sheets. This morning, Annie took her diaper off while watching cartoons in my bed and peed on the bed. FAIL.

3) I managed to get everyone out of the house for church and then slammed my fingers in the van door. FAIL.

4) Dropped Annie off in the nursery and had to take Dasha with me into service since they no longer offer a class for her at the 9:00 hour. FAIL.

5) Jeff Henderson was preaching this morning. Fail. (OK - My brain said fail, my heart knew otherwise.). Jeff is the pastor at one of the other Northpoint campuses. However, before joining Northpoint, he worked for Truit Cathy. Yeah, THE Truit Cathy of Chick-fil-A. Jeff worked in the marketing department. So, let's just talk about all of the raw nerves I have when this guy simply stands up. Eric worked with Chick-fil-A. It was his dream job. He was in marketing. Chick-fil-A alone makes my heart feel raw. The folks Eric worked with weren't just employers, they were family. I never realized how true that was until everything happened. Anyway, so Jeff is standing on stage, ready to deliver the message and I look over to see Dasha scratching in inappropriate places like she's digging for buried treasure. I'll admit her actions were at least a distraction to me! :) Jeff's message was on encouragement. I won't paraphrase the entire message. However, let's just say that the entire time, my heart kept screaming, "Where the heck was this message six months ago? This information could have saved us!" I left church feeling defeated. I just kept seeing how so many things could have been different. At one point during service, I really wanted to stand up and scream, "But what if it's too late?" My heart still says FAIL even though I know the message was for me. (Go to http://www.northpoint.org/messages/life_apps and check out the last message).

6) Trying to get the girls' lunch ready, I aimlessly flip on the TV. It just happened to be on gmc (left over from some drama I watched last night). What movie was on? Fireproof. What scene was it? The scene where John Waller's song "While I'm Waiting" begins to play and you watch a firefighter climbing up an extended ladder on a truck into the sky. Perfect. More fodder for my aching heart. FAIL.

7) Trying to reorganize all of the files in the cabinet to accommodate my own blommosimg style or keeping bills in order. Of course, I come across an old file with letters from Eric. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I even begin reading them? I knew better! It's like I just wanted to cry some more! (Thank goodness Annie was asleep and Dasha was busy). It was like I could hear him saying those things to me. Needless to say, the last part of the file cabinet still didn't get done. FAIL.

8) I'm in serious need of a Snuggie for my heart today. I knew that once the routine of school was gone and the demands of the last months were aside, I'd have some roller coasters to deal with but this is just beyond reasonable. I can SO completely see why people run to alcohol, bad relationships, and other nastiness to simply cover up this sort of pain. Those things would all be so much easier. And, I'll admit, if I didn't have three kids in tow that seem to watch my every move, I'd be pretty tempted to try some of those pain killers! FAIL.

9) Grant will be home in less than an hour which means I have to stuff all of these emotions back down inside of me. I feel like I've unleashed Pandora's box and now I have to try to capture all of the uglies and put them back in the box. FAIL.

10) I have to stop living in the "why" of all of these emotions and figure out the "how" of moving on. I don't want to. I want to sit and stomp my feet and demand that things go back to "normal" - whatever that is. FAIL.

I'm sure by tonight, I will have come up with some positives like finishing cleaning the garage out or finishing the other projects that I'm determined to wrap up today. For now, I'm going to get ready to go pick up a stinky boy that's been in the woods without a real potty or shower. I'd better take a bottle of Febreeze along, too, and leave the lid of the washing machine open and ready for clothing that smells and probably looks like toxic waste! Fun! I'm sure he'll sleep the rest of the day, though!