Here Comes Annie Boo Boo Child

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Notes from an exhausted mama...

Honestly, I'm struggling. Do I like to admit that? No. The sheer task of keeping up with the needs of all three inmates plus a full time job and a house to run has taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Stress and sleepless nights wreak havoc on a diabetic's system so I've had to resort to closely monitoring my blood sugar (this freaks Annie out) and walking around with sodas and candy. Wednesday morning, I'm not sure what went on with my system during the night but I overslept (my worst nightmare come true - I have NEVER done that on a school day) and then was greeted with a kaput tire. When I finally got everyone settled (big kids missed their buses due to my antics) and realized that I felt strange, my blood sugar registered 53. Um. Not good to say the least. Yeah, I can say that I'm going to get a grip and take care of myself but it's just simply hard to do with three inmates who've been repeatedly LoJacked and are running in three separate directions. One wants to talk non-stop and have your undivided attention... oh, wait... that would be all three of them!

Grant is entering a new and, quite honestly, terrifying chapter of his life which will require me to be gracefully authoritative but approachable. He's yet to deem this weekend's event as a "date" but that's what it is. The whole situation sort of blind sided me. He's always just been a "good" kid and, honestly, I haven't invested nearly what I should have in making that "good" into something bigger and better. However, good just won't cut it with this dating thing. How in the world do I broach some of the topics that need to be brought up. (Ok, let's get honest here. It's sex ed week at school too so that's been another eye opening kick in the butt for me). Anyway, I just want him to be the guy who knows how to treat girls like they are true princesses whether the date is just a bunch of friends hanging out or if much later, it's just him and a special girl. This isn't like prepping him for a science test. There aren't any Mulligans or do overs! There's a huge part of me that wishes I'd drawn the boundaries more clearly when it comes to the girl / guy thing here at home. Living in a house with three girls, poor Grant knows way more than he should. And, honestly, there are many times that things which he should never be exposed to are smushed blaringly right up under his nose - like bras, under things, and special products. Humor has been the balm that has helped me try to coax him through living with three girls. However, I don't think it's going to be too funny when he pops off a joke about an over the shoulder boulder holder or something like that with a date. Even if the girl thinks it's funny, it's not. It's putting him into a spot where his toes are already in the gray area with a familiarity that shouldn't be there. Argh.

Dasha, well... She's struggling too. Academically, she's out of her league and just feels like she can't get anything right. I'm beginning to think that she's plateaued academically which I knew would happen. But, what do I do? She needs to go to school. She needs the structure and social interaction. However, she also needs to be learning some basic life skills, too. She doesn't need to be restricted to a resource room with profoundly delayed kids but sticking it out in the general education setting is simply eating away at her confidence one chomp at a time. She feels like everyone is constantly mad at her. Now, this is her perception because she feels like she's never good enough. I finally got her in to see a counselor and that report was anything but positive. Basically, she still doesn't understand the current family dynamic and "why" things are like they are. According to her, she spends quite a bit of her night reliving positive memories when things were what she called "normal." The other element that came out wasn't really surprising but put me in a position where I felt a surge of resentment to hear the counselor say that she felt responsible for... ok... I've spent 15 minutes trying to dance around how to say this... Basically, she blames herself for the change of relationship status between John and I, as well. We're still friends. She still sees him but she knows things have changed. Several months ago, I completely lost my temper and snapped. The words that spewed from my dark and ugly soul heavenward in a prayer of absolute desperation, anger, and hopelessness were heard by her ears. Ashamedly, I'll admit that I said something to the effect of, "No guy would ever want me because of the crazy issues I have." My heart literally hurts knowing that she heard that. She, of course, assumed that she was the issue. It was a moment of sheer frustration when I thought I was having a conversation with Him. Ugh. That's what she heard and that's what she told the counselor she thinks about at night. Great. I'm going to need counselor just to overcome her counseling session! Someone wrote something on my FB wall a few weeks after that incident and remarked that anything I'm involved in is great (or something like that). If folks only knew. So, I tried talking with Dasha about the situation but she didn't get it. It's like there are windows of opportunity to talk to her when she truly understands. I'm waiting for one of those windows. I think there's part of me that wants to justify my actions to her and try to clear my conscience but I know that at my core, there's not an ounce of resentment toward these kids. I don't know what I'd do without them. I always do a project with my students where they squeeze toothpaste out of a tube and then try to get it ALL back in the tube. We talk about how our words are like the toothpaste and it's impossible to get all of it back into the tube. Maybe I should take a dose of my own object lesson!

And then there's Annie. All at once, this little flower has blossomed into a stink weed! :) Since she started preschool, she's learned to say, "He blocked me," or, "She didn't use kind words to me!" Ugh. She loves her class and is excited about learning but I could sure use a device that blocks her vocabulary development. Her mouth is 3 going on 18! And, she's learned that she should keep her body parts and pieces private now. I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall at preschool as a room full of 3 year olds have to go potty or pee pee or tinkle or whatever the heck they call it! There has to be an element of humor to it! Tonight, after her pjs were on, she realized that if she lifted her arms, her belly showed. We made a game out of it at first and I squished her belly when she'd raise her arms. While this was going on, I'll admit that I might have had a DVRd episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on. (Don't judge me. It makes me happy to see a show where they speak English but still need to provide subtitles and blur out plumber's cracks). The little character, Alana, was squishing her belly up and making it "talk." Yeah, you can see where this one is headed. Annie quickly grabbed her belly and realized that she had the same talent. I might or might not have encouraged this by giving her phrases to make her belly "say." It was all fun an games until she watched little Boo Boo swinging and bobbing her head and oozing sassiness. Annie tried that on for size, too. Not so funny. (Ok. It was stinking hilarious but I know where the limitations are. If I'd cracked even the slightest smile, she would have been sassing me for the next week with Honey Boo Boo moves)! The girls simply oozes personality. Whew. While I'm saving up money to pay for therapy and counselors for the big kids, I'm saving money to bail her butt out of jail.

So, I'm just simply numb right now and trying to keep the outer shell tightly wrapped around all of the broken pieces inside so they don't spill out and make a bigger mess. I'm back on the roller coaster. I'm quite cognizant that I'm there. I've learned to live on this contraption. I take deep breaths and rest and treasure the times when I'm in the simplicity and grace of the middle ground. I feel like every crossroad I come to is a major intersection. I can't just come to a rolling stop and plow on through. Every single stop requires every ounce of my strength to look and listen for directions. Sometimes, it feels like those directions are not on Dora's map and seem nearly impossible to follow. However, as a friend said, God loves to laugh at the impossible. Well, I'm sure I'm on Comedy Central if that's the case because right now, I feel like even day to day life is nearly impossible. And, my laughter is normally a substitution and coping skill to keep the tears held back. I know this season will get easier but... It's so much easier to whine than look up and know that He knows the storm that I'm in and won't let the boat sink without showing me where the life preservers are. (However, I'm stubborn enough to ignore the directions and try to find them myself)!

Here's to a four day weekend (thank you furlough days and a dent in my paycheck) to regroup, renew, recharge, and re.... I'm out of re words.

Good night, all.

This was the view Wednesday night on my way home from church. What a reminder of what I do have to be thankful for!

Princess and the Pea

Speed blogging... I must clear my head and try to trap all of the thoughts in one place for now and this seems like the best cage to house these random thoughts.

• I do not have the skill set needed to parent a tweenage boy. Skyping with girls, asking to go on a "date" this weekend, and my realization that he doesn't have a clue what it means to treat a girl like a princess. Maybe I'm overreacting but...
• I do not have the skill set needed to parent a teenage special needs girl, either! The stealing, lying, and defiance have all reached beyond my level of expertise or patience. I haven't found any clinician yet who is willing to help me determine what's related to CP and what's related to her beginnings in the orphanage. And, to top it off, she shows little to no remorse when this crap hits the fan each night. 
• And heaven knows that I do not have the skill set needed to parent a divalicious toddler! I'm trying so hard. Over the last few months, I've stepped up my game with her but... she... wears... me... out! Simply keeping up with her can fray the few nerves I have that still function.
• Relationship status isn't something kids understand, especially where the girls are concerned. Where is he? Why isn't he here? "Because," only cuts it for so long. Dating with kids in tow deserves an entire book not just a bulleted point. Accountability? Integrity? Yep. Not a problem when there are six little beady eyes watching you! :) Anyway...
• Some won't understand the next point at all... Ever had the feeling that you have to do something? I don't normally go to Sunday night services but I knew I needed to tonight. I played Speedy Gonzalez and got all of my school business taken care of this afternoon and then decided to let Grant be the babysitter and reign over the girls while I went to church. My take away from the service, "If you're not heading into your mission field tomorrow morning, you aren't in His will." Yep. That's lodged like a darn pea underneath my mattress. A grain of sand in the guts of my oyster. This entire year, I've been restless with school. For the last 15 years, I've called my class room my "mission field" without hesitation. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing and why (intrinsically - never mind the extrinsic stuff like paperwork and red tape). This year... I don't know. Restless is the only word I can put on it right now but right next to that restlessness, I now have the "pea of knowledge" lodged begging to be dealt with. However, dealing with anything of significance is sort of hard in this house. Heck, peeing in peace is hard in this house! I've had some other ideas about what I want to be when I grow up but I keep putting limitations on those thoughts - finances, convenience, safety, security. Who knows. It's definitely food for thought but this food is going to have to simmer for a while. This isn't the kind of food like the Cheerios between the couch cushions. This is the stuff that you check and double check like some Martha Stewart dish that has 50 ingredients that Publix doesn't carry and requires a trip to Harry's!
• Anyway, I'm trying to figure out some time for ME. Life is moving at warp speed and I feel like the speed is being determined by how fast I'm running to try to catch up! I keep having this vision of the treadmill throwing me off into oblivion! I think about sneaking away to a cabin in the forest or a cottage on the beach for a day or two, but honestly, I'm not sure I'd know what to do. I get scared when I go to the bathroom alone at school. I fear that I'm in the Twilight Zone if someone isn't commentating on my business or screaming about getting Barbie's hair stuck in the Velcro on the other inmate's shoe.

So, there's the "speed" blog. My brain is somewhat purged and hopefully sleep will claim me just in time for my alarm to go off in the morning. Maybe it sounds like I'm whining. Maybe I am. Overwhelmed and restless just don't make good partners when squished together in one space. Right now, I'm praying for grace to get me through the next four days and peace. (Ok, maybe I'm praying for some more kid's Nyquil, duct tape, and ear plugs, too).

This princess is heading to bed knowing darn well that the pea is still there and it won't simply disappear when I call for a squire to come and remove it. It will be there until I deal with it. I wonder if those fancy Tempurpedic mattresses can shield the pain of peas?

Good night, all!

Cadbury Egg Sort of Day

As a mom, words just don't cut it today. I only momentarily teared up as I dropped Annie off at preschool this morning. I knew if I let the flood gates open, I might die of dehydration. I cling tightly to Annie for so many reasons. Bottom line, I feel sort of like a Cadbury Egg today. I'm all hard and solid on the outside but my insides are nothing more than gooey mush.

But, here's the retrospective view of today. Oh, and Annie's first words to me as she got back into the van this afternoon... "Mama, I didn't throw blocks at the mean boy." Wow. Total restraint. On Grant's first day, he bit a teacher's kid on the butt. At least there weren't any notes like that in her bag!

Oh, how the years go by. May I never forget what a blessing she is. That 25% chance we had of her not being a viable little life has been snuffed out many times over.

Ickiness in my heart

So, it's a good thing that I gave up the daily blogging. Someone would have probably petitioned to have me committed if I'd been posting the things flying through my head over the last month. So, in an attempt to keep my job, my kids, and some semblance of respect, I'll keep it short. Trying to start a new school year with all three kids in tow has about done me in this year. The simple act of purchasing all of the gear that goes along with this territory is overwhelming. The kids have had to learn some lessons about the difference between a "want" and a "need" but, heck, there are times when I still have to take a step back and evaluate the difference in my own life! Grant settled into classes quickly and seems to have adjusted to the routine. Dasha... well... I'm not sure if we're going to make it out alive this year. Homework has taken her nothing short of three hours a night and I honestly don't think that she is retaining anything that she picks up in between the crying and hysterics. I simply don't know what else to do to help her. You can only teach adding and subtracting mixed numbers so many times before you think about slamming the book shut and proclaiming, "You'll never use this in real life!" Ok. Yeah, I know. Maybe a bit dramatic but I'm at my wits end. (Grant, on the other hand, hasn't had homework since the night I made him cry and slobber like a dog because I made him redo his incorrect math problems. Coincidence? I think not. Just something else to have to get to the bottom of). The cherry on top of all of this? Yep. As, usual... Annie. She has decided to give up her afternoon naps. While she does still sit in bed and look at books or sing to herself, she's not sleeping! In toddler terms of terror, that means that by 3:30 when I pick her up from the sitter's house, she's like a bear who has been wakened from a nice long winter's sleep by someone poking him with a stick. It's not a pretty sight.

So, let me walk you through the big picture. I have more students in my classroom than ever before AND a range of abilities like I've never had. After trying to juggle this all day long and literally not sitting down or getting a chance to pee, I pick up the three amigos who take turns stepping on the last visible nerves that are hanging raggedly from me. I'm feeling completely ineffective, inefficient, and... I don't know. Within the last month, I've had two anxiety attacks. I didn't even know what that was! I'd never had one before. I've walked through my share of cow patties along this journey and nothing has driven me to a medically diagnosed panic attack. The doctor's suggestion - less stress. Um, yeah. I believe my words to her were, "Which child should I get rid of OR should I quit my job?" She didn't seem to understand and simply offered me a prescription (which I declined). How am I supposed to juggle all of this? To top it off, Annie starts preschool next week. Her teacher hosted a play date today for all of the kids to get together but, of course, I couldn't take her. Next week, my mom is going to serve as a stand-in to take her to Meet and Greet but it's just not the same. I did take the next day off so I could deliver her to her first day of preschool, though. (On Grant's first day, he bit a teacher's child on the butt. I can't begin to imagine what damage Annie might do)! I just vividly remember being pregnant with Annie and swearing to myself that I would cherish every moment of the journey with her (even if she has left me tied up in the closet). I had so many regrets with Ansley's short life and I guess I just thought things would magically be different.

Now, add to all of that drama the daily household chores (I'm talking bare minimum stuff like making sure folks have clean undies) and other fires that seem to constantly pop up. I'm worn out.

Am I whining? Yep. I am. I recognize the fact that I have so much to be grateful for. I look around at other folks who are struggling way beyond my petty complaints. But, my therapy for the evening is to simply air out the ickiness that's in my heart right now so I can move on. The ickiness - feeling incredibly alone, overwhelmed, and completely ineffective. Will I survive? Of course I will. I just need a chance to take a breather and regroup. (I keep trying to hide in the bathroom to do that but Annie keeps finding me)! Here's to a bright new beginning tomorrow.

Good night, all.