Last Monday marked two months since he left.
Last Tuesday marked six months since the reveal of the full truth.
I'll never forget that ride. The drive from The Melting Pot to the old Publix parking lot is one of those memories that I'll always seem to replay in slow motion. As we pulled off Chastain and onto 575, he answered my question with a, "Yes." Apologies were made just like you see in the movies. My heart can not even begin to know if those apologies were true. That will be a question that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Then, he gave me my ring back and agreed to go to a week long counseling event in Branson, MO. Six months ago, I stood at the edge of this road and clung to the hope that I wouldn't have to take it. I turned the car around and headed on down the road for the remainder of the journey. Unbeknownst to me, he didn't. He was headed back to the dealership for another make and model that wouldn't require so much upkeep and still had that "new car" smell. He was trading in the station wagon for a sports car.
I put all of these thoughts on hold last week knowing that I couldn't handle everything at once coupled with Grant being away for the first time and Dasha's crazy streak. Those thoughts surfaced so many times last week but I continued to push them away knowing that when they finally forced their way out, it wouldn't be pretty.
Today, sitting in church, the tower tumbled and everything fell out. Andy finished part three of The New Rules of Sex, Love, and Dating. He spoke of intimacy (not just the bedroom kind) and what marriage can be. We had that pure marriage that so many other couples don't. We waited. Why didn't it work? I'm seriously putting forth a lot of effort to stay away from the "whys" but today, it all caved in. It's pointless to restate them all. I just don't get it. I'm truly trying to move on and focus on figuring out what my story will be and what that will look like but it's sure hard to write a good story without including the "once upon a time" stuff. Twenty years of history, flushed. I'll never forget the sound of that flush. The Wednesday morning of the CRCT. It was the math test day. That's the day that causes the most anxiety for the students. The kids had overheard our arguing well past midnight and I ask him if Grant could stay home with him. He said, "No. I'm leaving." There was nothing else. I can't remember if I begged or even said anything. The kids hugged him good-bye. The girls had no idea that it was not the normal kind of morning "good-bye." April 20, 2011 (his birthday), 6:30 a.m., I walked out of our front door and left him to pack. At 9:30, he texted me and told me that he was out of the house and on the way to Texas and we could come "home." Coming home to discover all of the things that he'd taken was simply another jab at my soul. And that, thus far, has been the darkest moment of my entire life. I watched my husband wrap our dead daughter in her blanket and walk her to the waiting vehicle from the morgue. I stood over my daughter's casket as it was lowered into the ground and that moment doesn't even begin to measure up to the realization that you've been left alone with three kids, financial responsibilities, a job, and a shattered heart. That was the sound of the "flush" of twenty years and these are the memories that flooded my mind as Andy kept talking about marriage this morning. So many times I thought about getting up and leaving the service but I was sandwiched in the middle of the aisle and trying not to let on that I was having a major break down so that would have just made an even bigger scene!
After grabbing a sandwich at Subway with the kids on the way home from church (thanks to a gift card from a student), I told the kids that we had to get to work on the yard to get the HOA off of our back. I put Annie down for a nap. Grant stayed inside to listen for her to wake up (or try to escape) and mop the floor. Dasha wanted to help pull weeds. I went to start the mower. Nope. No go. I'm no stranger to mowing the yard. I know to check for gas, make sure the spark plug is ok, make sure there's oil in it, and prime it. Nope. No go still. Then, I decided that I'd at least use the weed eater to trim some areas while I pondered the mower. Nope. No go on that either. Seriously? The blasted HOA has sent two letters now and they just don't seem to care that I'm doing the best that I can.
Eventually, I called Dad in for back up. I love my Dad dearly but he doesn't know when to stop. He had a stroke less than a year ago but won't let me do anything when he's around. That's why I try to get it all done before he recognizes there's a need! However, he continued to mow the front and back and then trim and edge things. By the time we convinced him to come in, he was so tired that his speech was garbled. We've learned that this is an obvious sign that he's overdone it. (We see it frequently). Anyway, he then decided to take on the shutters on the front of the house. They're cheap plastic things that are pegged into the stucco with little plastic screws that look like they belong in one of those Fisher-Price workbench toys that you buy for a toddler. The screws bake in the sun and then the heads fall off and then, eventually, the shutters fall to their death in the holly bushes. In normal Dad style, he decided to epoxy the shutters on and screw them down. To access the shutters outside Annie's window, he opened the window (we have the windows that will open into the house so you can clean the outsides - ha) and hung out the window. I pretended to sit and read with Annie. I was really poised and ready to grab his butt when he started falling out of the window! Geez. Despite his best intentions, the window is now stuck open. I just discovered this when I went to put Annie to bed and there was a puddle in her floor from the storm that just moved through. Now, who the heck do I call to fix a window that won't close?
Although these details aren't really all that important in the big picture, it's these kind of things that are like bulldozers tearing down the remaining blocks that were still standing. Eric was great at getting things done around the house and I never had to think twice about trying to beat my Dad to completion! These little "piss ant" kind of things are just like extra kicks while I'm already down.
I had another realization during service this morning, too. As Andy spoke of what true intimacy means, I realized that so much of what I'm grieving is that intimacy - someone who knows everything about you and still accepts you. Those silly private jokes, those "looks" that communicate all sorts of messages without ever even opening your mouth are all missing now. That intimacy is what made so many things bearable. Just knowing that someone else knew the struggles and was there in the middle of the night to let you cuddle up and cry or just drool and snore away the worries of the day on their chest made all of the burdens so much lighter. And, in all honesty, this is one of my biggest issues right now. I always feel like he has her arms to run to at night and to tell his dreams and fears. I don't. Yes, I have some very Godly girlfriends who have done everything in their might to stand in the gaps and fill the voids but it's not the same (sorry, ladies). So, as I head to bed, I will do my best to refocus my mindset and put all of the "whys" and "it's not fairs" away. This is how my life story will read and I have to work on making it the best story ever for the sake of my kids and those around me. I'd like to think that my story might one day inspire others who are left standing in the middle of the road realizing that someone just stole the last several chapters of their story, too.
So, as I head to bed tonight, my head is full and my heart is sore. I know that my life's journey will look a lot different than I ever dreamed it would. However, I'm trying to be extremely intentional about making sure that the story is full of integrity, truth, love, and laughter. That's not always easy these days - especially laughter.
Tomorrow, I will attempt to perform surgery on a window and a mower. Did you know that you can learn a lot of things about home repair on You Tube? Then, I will prepare for the visit to the doctor with Dasha. I just wish You Tube offered some insight on that situation!
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating (Part 3)
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