Why?

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Proverbs 27:5

Not sure how this verse fits right now. I can swing it a hundred different ways in my head. This is just the verse that came through on my daily email. Hmmm...

Anyway, I'm so glad day one is over with. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't. The minute I heard his voice downstairs, I welled up with tears. What a nutcase I am sometimes! Anyway, the deal was that he would take the kids to the neighborhood playground for an hour while I "ran errands" and then he'd drop Annie off with me and take the big kids back to the pool for an hour. Sounds reasonable.

The first part of the plan was thwarted from the start since I was literally trying to escape the house before I started sobbing. Only, when I cleared the threshold and looked up, I saw that he'd driven her car. Not his truck. He brought a physical piece of her into my driveway (never mind the emotional / mental stuff he'd brought with him). I don't know why in the world it matters but for some reason, it was just another humbling realization that I'm definitely walking a journey that I thought I'd never be on. I didn't even clear the driveway before the tears started. I don't know why I cried. (I don't know why I'm crying now). I drove aimlessly up and down Towne Lake Parkway for a while and then decided to randomly walk around Tuesday Morning (a new bargain spot for me). I ended up texting a friend who is walking a similar road and she humored me for the remaining 20 minutes I had to kill.

I finally headed back home to make the switch of children. Eric took Annie to start her bath while I helped Dasha straighten her bathing suit out. (It has a criss crossed back and she'd decided it would be a good idea to put the criss cross in the front! I wish I was making it up! It was like something Madonna would wear)! While the big folks headed to the pool, Annie and I sat and watch Dora. Oh to have a map as easy to read as Dora's. She always has three check points and very clear directions. Man!

Oh well. Annie is now in bed (and fever free for now) and the big kids are... I don't know. I don't hear any blood curdling screams so I'm going to assume that things are ok for now.

Basically, I have figured out what's really upsetting me, though. In the last twenty years, I've been thorough some real crap. I've had my utilities turned off, a car repossessed, stood in line for Medicaid and used said care to deliver a baby, dealt with a critically ill child, buried her, adopted a special needs child from overseas, dealt with health and psychological issues with that child, watched my Dad's health deteriorate after a stroke, tried to rebuild a marriage after an affair, and now this. Not once in my life have I questioned God - until now. That's scary to me. I can completely understand why people in these situations turn to destructive things to cover the pain. I never understood why women jumped from one bad relationship to the next but I sure do now. I never understood why women started drinking during times of struggle, but I do now. Like I said earlier, if I didn't have three little eyes watching me, I'd be so tempted to step out of my comfort zone (or what's left of it) and do something to hide and cover the pain. Right now, I'm struggling to keep things centered and remember that God is in control over all of this and IF He wants this to end, he can simply speak it just as he did in the middle of the sea during the storms. (Dang it, I'd be throwing folks overboard like they did Jonah, though, to try to figure out what the problem was). Anyway, this is where I find myself tonight. Knowing that the kids desperately need time with their Daddy who still loves them but trying to wall up my own heart to avoid any more damage AND trying to separate what my heart wants, what I want, and what is RIGHT and full of integrity.

I have no stones to throw back, though. So, for all of you that are encouraging me to jump on the The Heck with Him bandwagon, I won't be riding. Thank you very much. I don't wish him harm. There are days when I'd sure like to give him a piece of my mind but I don't want harm to befall him (or her). I just want what is Right and Holy to prevail. To some of you, that makes you sick. So be it. If it makes you sick, stop reading. This is my blog / journal with my thoughts that weren't really filtered for a specific audience. Marriage was designed in a very specific manner for a very specific reason. I will do everything within my power to hold up my end of the bargain despite my role in tearing quite a bit of it apart. I believe the saying was, "Till death do us part." OK, yeah, that was a little creepy. Don't call the mental health hot-line on me yet. I'm not taking drastic measures! But the vows were not a joke. They were binding. Binding by God and the worldly authorities. I dare you to try to break a contract with AT&T without them laughing in your face. They know that when you signed on the dotted line, you're stuck! (Maybe that was a bad example. You can pay AT&T a butt-load of money and they'll let you go)! But please stop inviting me to jump on He's so Stupid bandwagon. That's not where I need to be or want to be.

On a brighter note, I already have plans in place to meet someone at the gym tomorrow night during the "visitation" to avoid driving around town by myself and having half of the city calling 9-1-1 to tell them an escaped asylum patient is behind the wheel and roving around town! Hopefully, this will also combat my insane need to eat junk food right now! I've ridded the house of anything closely related to chocolate but I'm at the stage where I'd eat just about anything to simply eat! Not what I need!

Anyway, I'm headed to bed with a cup of tea where I have a Netflix movie queued up and ready to go. Whew!