Mama's dirty diaper, treadmill failure, and a thankful heart

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

So, here's how it works. Just when I think I have things figured out, the rug gets ripped out from under me and I land on my butt. This might be an "A-Ha" moment for some or an "A-ha ha ha" moment for those who see me land but for me, I've lost the ha ha ha part. Those moments now give me the "uh oh" feeling or the "Oh crap, here it comes!" feeling. So, I've decided to stop thinking I have things figured out. I don't. I won't. I can't.

A-Ha moment-
I decided to redeem an old voucher for time at the gym across the street to give me some ME time. I enrolled the girls in the Kids Club area and decided I'd pay the per visit rate for Grant if he wanted to go. After putting Annie to bed tonight, I decided I'd run to the gym and just get on a treadmill. What could possibly happen? Annie was asleep (I doubled checked). Grant was playing on the computer. Dasha was coloring. I could be back home in less than 2 minutes if something blew up. Seriously! About the time I got cocky and started thinking, "Hey, I could do this every night after I put Annie down and burn off those Pop Tarts that I've been eating instead of meals," it happened.

Here it comes moment-
My cell phone was sitting on the deck of the treadmill and I saw it light up with the text from Grant, "Annie is up." Perfect. So, I jump off the treadmill - STUPID - and then land on my butt in front of all of the other true athletes who were in the cardio area. I tried to act graceful about the whole thing and laugh it off but I just wanted to sit there in the floor and cry. Was it too much to ask for 30 minutes to myself? Now, my butt and my attitude are bruised. I'll get over it but, once again, my great A-Ha moment morphed into a Here it Comes kind of moment. (I think Jeff Foxworthy may have tagged these moments as, "Here's Your Sign" moments)!

As a side note, for the few minutes I walked on the treadmill, the huge TV hanging in front of me was tuned to Sex in the City. I'd never seen the show before. Yes, I live in a very sheltered world. However, after seeing just a few moments of the show, no wonder the world is so messed up! In the few moments I watched, I think I saw (read the closed caption) at least four couples in affairs and enough scantily clad boobs to make what the lady running on the treadmill next to me was wearing look tame! (Didn't know it was ok to wear your bra and panties to the gym. Don't worry! I won't be trying this! They'd deem it a fashion malfunction for sure. I guess the door didn't say, "No shirt, No shorts, No service")!

This is just one example from today of how my big ideas fall flat and normally put me on my butt. However, the bright side of all of this is that tonight, I'm not crying about it (as long as I remain standing and don't sit on my tush - ouch). For some reason, I seem to still be laughing. I'm a little scared, though. Maybe I've crossed the line into that clinically insane realm. Oh well, if that's the case, I kind of like it here. The people seem nice and there aren't too many requirements beyond these little people that look like Oompa Loompas and keep running around muttering a weird phrase - "Mama, mama, mama, mama...." They seem pretty nice, too, although the little one with curls looks a little dangerous!

Beyond my critical treadmill failure tonight, I have come to understand a few other things, though. Several weeks ago, I posted that I didn't have any true friends. I knew that it wasn't true as I typed it out. I was just frustrated with a few friends who had always portrayed themselves as one thing and then turned out to be something completely different. I don't have time to figure other folks out right now. I'm having a hard enough time figuring the "new" me out! However, through this whole situation, I have had the strength of several steadfast friends lifting (ok, hoisting after all the Pop Tarts) me up. I can't tell you how incredible the team of ladies I work with are. They don't ask for details, they just offer to help. They don't offer judgment, they just do what they can to foresee my limitations and stop me before I get too far and end up in the ditch. I'm so appreciative for them. I'm going to miss them dearly this summer. Another friend seems to have the gift of knowing what I need before I've even make it public, too. Saturday night, she showed up at my door with some of her old clothes that she couldn't wear any more. After Grant told me that I looked like I had a dirty diaper because the butt of my pants were so saggy, it made me really self-conscious. I know he didn't mean anything by it. In normal child-like fashion, he was merely stating the obvious. Although, I would have much preferred to hear, "Mom, do you think you should buy some smaller pants?" instead of insinuating I'd lost all of my faculties and pooped my pants (doesn't that go along with insanity? :))! Before I'd even told anyone about this, my friend showed up with about six pairs of shorts and capris and some tops. Seriously? Words couldn't express my gratitude. I have to tell you that for the first time since I was 15, I wore a size that didn't have a 2 in the tens place - despite those darn Pop Tarts! I did my own little happy dance and looked in the mirror to make sure that my diaper didn't look droopy! Nope! Anyway, friends have come through in so many ways over the last six weeks. I'll never have enough resources to pay everyone back but not a single thing has gone unnoticed. Even simple things like making a copy for me or grabbing a chair for me during a faculty meeting have meant so much. So, like I mentioned earlier, my comment about not having true friends was a little overly dramatic. I should have said something like, "I can't stand people who play middle school games and say one thing and do another!" That would have been more accurate.

As for the rest of the night, I'm going to try to finish laundry since that darn laundry fairy seems to be on strike again and get ready for my last day of the school year. I was a bit apprehensive about the new principal but he seems to be a good communicator and makes his wishes clear. Heck, I can play just about any game if I know the rules! It's when they don't give you the rule book that things get dicey! (That's my biggest problem with my personal life right now! Where are the rules to this game? I need to know the "If A, then B or If C, then not A" kind of things)! Anyway, I'm looking forward to wrapping things up and spending the rest of the week getting the house back into order and then enjoying the summer! (OK, I'll enjoy the first two weeks and then I'll be whining to go back because I'm bored and tired of hearing my own kids whine)!

For now, goodnight!

The Ring

You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant (Malachi 2:13-14)

Wedding rings have become more about how big or how much money they cost over the last several years. From the fancy proposal to the fancy ring, it's become more about the show than the actual symbolism of pledge and promise. Silly shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette just heighten the emphasis on the material side of the rings.

When Eric bought my first ring, I thought it was incredible. He got down on one knee on a trail at Rope Mill park and asked the question. We didn't have any money so the ring was small but represented his promise to me. I remember staring at that ring for the next several months. Every time I looked at it, I was convinced that it was the best ring anywhere and that it held some sort of super powers.

Ten years later, sitting atop the Westin at the Sundial restaurant (moving up in the world), Eric offered me another ring for our tenth anniversary. The ring was beautiful. It had very intricate scroll work and even had an S at the base of the diamond. We joked that it stood for Super Woman (ok, yeah, we said it stood for some other stuff, too). That ring was incredible! He had saved his bonuses for months to buy me that ring. There were a hundred things he could have used that money for but he used it to get me a new ring that was the most perfect ring that was ever created.

I took the ring off two weeks ago. Am I supposed to do that? I don't know! It doesn't feel right to wear it but I feel naked without it. The circumstances say I'm not married but everything legal says that I am. One of my students even asked me if I'd lost it. See? It was so gorgeous that my students even noticed it! This is one of those details that outsiders would probably never even think about. The Ring - to wear or not to wear, that is the question.

I'm not normally sentimental about things but that ring meant a million things to me. I'd thrown that ring at Eric at the height of our problems and then he'd offered it back weeks later when we decided to work things out. It wasn't just a ring. It stood for the trials we'd been through and the journey I thought we were on. Taking the ring off was like taking off dreams, old memories, and admitting that I don't think "we" will ever be again. I even went a bought a cheap ring at Kohls to put on that finger to make the awkward naked feeling go away. It didn't. Wearing the cheap ring just made me feel like I was trying to deceive myself.

For every TV show or movie that you see where the couple splits up and goes their separate ways, just know that it doesn't work that way! This was a puzzle with at least 1,000 pieces that just got dumped on the table. We don't have the box with the picture on it to figure out how everything should go together. I keep trying to jam pieces together that don't fit and I'm just ultimately slowing down the process of finally seeing the big picture and I'm damaging some of the pieces in the process. At this point, I much prefer those toddler puzzles that are wooden and have the little pegs to tightly hold on to. Usually, they also have the picture painted right on the wooden board so you know which piece goes into which hole. This is the kind of puzzle I need right now - dummy proof! Something simple, like shapes or even firetrucks would be nice. I'm tired of the pieces to this huge puzzle that I have. The pieces get turned over so I can't even see the design on the piece and then I can't figure out where they go. I cant' even get the edges complete so I can keep the other pieces in between the navigational beacons! There are days when I feel like swiping the table clean and letting the pieces scatter and fall where ever they may.

The ring was another one of these pieces. I haven't figured out where the piece goes. I'm quite sure Eric would say don't wear it and that's probably reasonable. It's my silly romantic side that keeps telling me that putting the ring away means putting away so many other things that I don't ever want to forget.

(Note: I took the picture of my ring the night Eric gave it back after I threw it at him weeks earlier in a horrific child-like tantrum. Remember, I told you that I was NOT perfect in all of this mess! Who knew that I'd be posting that picture with a blog entry like this back on December 21)!

Conversations with God...

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" (Psalm 139:1-4).

Over the last week, I've had many conversations with God. I don't feel like they've been monologues. I feel like they've been conversations. Although I haven't heard any audible booms calling my name, my heart has felt those gentle quiet reminders of the Holy Spirit through different scriptures and wisdom which has been imparted on me from folks over the last few weeks. Here are a few of the "conversations" I've had.

• Why does my heart still skip a beat when I hear his voice? Am I stupid?
• Why do I keep having dreams and wake up thinking he's right there next to me?
• Why is this happening? Even stupid people can stay married!
  
• Why have the kids all decided that this is their week to reach full tilt and yearn for Daddy in ways that break my heart?
• Why are the kids having to deal with this at all? I'm having a hard enough time dealing with this as an adult. Grant is trying to stay neutral and feels like he has to pick sides. Dasha is still waiting on him to come home and thinks he's just working. Annie said, "Daddy gone gone," today. Who the heck told her that? She didn't just make that up! I want to know who said that to her so I can... ok, no violence.
  
• Why does the HOA want to pick on me right now? Can't they find someone else to bully?
• If we have to separate church and school, why can't we separate politics and school?
• Why is my Dad mowing the grass, edging the yard, and weed eating less than a year after having a stroke? It's not his responsibility and his health can't tolerate it!
  
• Why did someone leave the markers out so Annie could try her hand at being Monet on my newly painted walls?
• Why is Dasha eating sticks, Pop Tart crumbs, and other weird things off the van floor again?
• Why is Grant suddenly so mad at me?

So, those are just a few of the conversation starters I've used over the last week. The answer to almost every single one of those questions was, "Stop looking for a way to explain why such terrible things happen and look for ideas on how to face the future." That's so much easier said than done! However, I'm finally coming to the point of being able to leave it in God's hands and stop trying to micromanage it.

Tonight, I'm too tired to delve any deeper into the depths of my soul. I will simply head for bed with a prayer that the vivid dreams will cease and the childrens' hearts will... help me with this one! Who in their right mind would pray that a child's heart would grow callused but that's kind of what I want to pray. I don't want them to forget. I just want them not to hurt, cry, and call out and for Dasha, I just want her to have some kind of understanding of the whole situation. I'm not sure what words to use as I pray for this but I'm confident that God knows what I mean. Anyway, a week off was good medicine in some ways but in others, it allowed me to sweep ideas and emotions under the proverbial rug that really needed to be swept into a nice neat pile and tossed into the garbage can! Oh well. Maybe I'll clean underneath the rug tomorrow. I think I'll probably need one of those fancy Dyson vacuums to clean up the mess, though! I sure don't want any of this crap escaping the HEPA filtration system and floating around in the air!

Good night.

Spewage (or sewage) depending on your liking...

"Give me understanding that I may live" Psalm 119:144

This is all I can say tonight. Today made the top five list of crappy days since "IT" happened. I have a horrible headache from coughing all day and my eyes are blurry from crying. I feel like I'm hanging at the end of the rope. So, here are the marvelous things I've decided in my delusional mind. I won't make apologies for my thoughts. This is the real stuff that's eating my soul today.

• I am officially someone's cast-off garbage. He chose her over me. Why? Who knows? He says it wasn't anything to do with her body but, heck, carrying and giving birth to three kids seems to have a pretty lingering impact on certain body parts that just seem more susceptible to gravity now. She now makes him laugh and makes him happy. I just make him angry. I've tried for the last 20 years to be everything to him. Now, I'm nothing. I gave him three beautiful children and walked through fire with him to adopt another one. That means nothing. No points for being the mother of your children or wading through miles of crap to think you were fixing everything.
• I am pretty sure that I'm done with counseling. To have "wise" counsel continue to tell you to keep pressing forward and things will magically get better is crap. I wonder if she's ever been left alone with three kids, a house, and one income. Probably not. It won't magically get better. This will be my life for the next fifteen years, at least! How do I juggle financial complications, Dasha's special needs (mental and physical), a two year old who is her father reincarnate, and an 11 year old who feels the weight of the world, keeping the house and yard in order, AND holding down a full time job and trying to find part time things to help make other ends meet? (Oh, and then add me getting sick to the mix which makes for a lovely state of mind). So, dear counselor, you may have a beautiful degree hanging on your wall but you don't have any real life experience so I bid you farewell!
• I'm going to have to find a new profession to maintain stability for my family. Due to the state's stupid Race to the Top plan, I'm going to ultimately be forced to work on merit pay. Hmmmm... Guess that means that if I piss the registrar off and get a class of lower kids or kids whose parents don't give a crap that I won't pay the bills for that year. I have three freaking degrees - one in neurobiology - and need 30 more hours to have my doctorate and this is what I get. Student loans out the wazoo and a decrease in pay. Makes me feel really great about having to keep my kids in the public schools!
• I'm much more gullible than I ever thought. I believed every lie. Even worse, I believed them and then came to the rescue. I just thought there was a chance that I might get a chance to play the princess. Nope, I was just the understudy. When the star was unavailable, I was the second-best, runner-up wife. He let someone else play the princess role that I'd been waiting for. (If I wasn't trustworthy to be the wife, why am I trustworthy to raise three kids)? The plan was laid long before I even knew my leading role was in jeopardy. Stupid, stupid, me. When did the lies start? How much of the last 20 years have been based on lies? Did that first, "I love you," really even mean that? Never to trust in that department again.
• I made mistakes. As I've written many other times, I'm not innocent in this mess. I am not faultless or blameless. Now, I have to live with those ghosts, as well. Others tell me the whole darn thing is my fault. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm sure Anonymous will be more than happy to throw a few stones at me in this department.
  
• Don't tell me time will ease the pain. The pain of Annie asking to see Daddy in the computer instead of being able to jump into his arms sucks more than you can imagine. Having Grant reach out to me and try to rub my back and wipe my tears goes beyond anything reasonable for an 11 year old. One day he's here, the next, he's gone. Perfect. They ask, "When is he coming back?" I don't have an answer. Dasha asks, "Why is he living with that lady friend?" Can't answer that one either.
  
• I actually have very few true friends. Maybe this isn't a fair assessment but too many folks have taken sides and pushed us to the back. Once again, perfect.
• I'm a pretty darn good handy man who is crippled by my lack of brute force. I've been pretty amazed at how much I can do around the house. However, there are some things that I simply don't have the know how or strength to do! Who am I supposed to call to do these things? I can't afford my own Handy Manny (ok - it's a Disney show, not something dirty). I can't call my dad constantly. He is already working too many hours at his "part time" job and I can't risk asking him to overdo it and end up having another stroke in order to take care of business that he's shouldn't have to be responsible for!
• I'm not too bad at accounting, either. Considering that I'd never paid a bill before and I only let one slip through the cracks, and there's actually a little money left over at the end of the month, I think I did a pretty darn good job! I've learned the art of shopping at Aldi, GoodWill, and Free Cycling! Who knew? Oh, and did you know that things in the Dollar Store aren't always that great of a deal? Maybe you laugh, but I couldn't have even told you what milk, bread, or cheese cost a month ago. I just bought them because we needed them. No coupons. No store hopping for sales. Wow. A month sure changes things! My biggest fear in this department now is trying to budget for running the air? I finally had to turn it on and leave it on today. Although it's only on 78, I'm not prepared for a $400 bill! Just add it to the stack of stress. Never mind the air, what about medical expenses, the van breaking down, and other unforeseen things? Clark Howard and Larry Burkett are great but you can only stretch a dollar so far!
• I'm standing at a cross road about church. If I stay at Watermark, the big kids will need to go to 11:00 service. This works but runs right into Annie's lunch time and nap time. Also, the big kids are expected to serve at 9:00 service. Except, Dasha can't serve due to multiple reasons so what do I do with her? Annie is content to stay for two services but... I can drive to the Northpoint campus but then I'm adding a 45 minute drive and the price of gas. This sounds trivial but when you're dealing with limited mental capacities, something like this can really mushroom into a major decision disaster (like skipping church which was the easy way out this morning).
  
• There are way too many people out there who justify divorce. A couple in our small group met through an affair and are now married and "soul mates." Why is this acceptable? Why do you get to make promises, make commitments, and then bail? You do that with a business contract and someone will have a lawyer crawling up your butt to sue you! Nope. Not with families, though. You simply have to tell them that it's just not working out for you and it's too hard and they give you a "get out of jail free" card to move on to an easier life. Um, where's my "get out of jail free" card? I believe I drew the "do not pass GO, do not collect $200" card. Divorce is just something our society has been desensitized to. News flash - it's wrong unless someone is beating the crap out of you or sleeping around (and then the faithful one gets to make the call). Life is hard. Cowboy up, grow up, and take responsibility for what you helped create and bring into this world! I didn't sign up for this adventure alone and it can't be adequately completed with me as the sole tour guide (or with a second guide issuing commands from miles away)! I've got Gilligan, Ginger, and Mr. Howe competing for my attention and I'm stranded.
• People will justify whatever they want to and you can't change their mind. And Forrest said, "And that's all I have to say about that!"

So, there are my thoughts for today. Between skipping church this morning, driving to JoAnn's to use a Michael's coupon and being told that I'd chosen the one item the coupon couldn't be used for, and then washing my cell phone (I saved it - I think), I'm not in a great place. I am looking forward to getting into the safety of my classroom tomorrow morning and staying there. In that environment, I can put all of this mess on the back burner and focus on what matters, the kids. Kids who love me unconditionally, laugh and mean it, and are truly innocent. Maybe I should have signed up to teach summer school!

In an effort to give myself time to get over this rotten cold, make it through one of the hardest weeks of the school year, spend time with the big kids as they graduate on Friday (seriously, I'm going to calmly sit through a graduation for both kids and look like I'm not losing mind? we never even thought Dasha would make it to this point and now...), and basically keep my head above water, I'm not going to post this week. I know I said I'd post every night but I'll be resorting to good old pen and paper this week. This post should give Anonymous enough spewing to respond to for at least a few days and I just need a break. (Anyone have a tropical island resort they want to share? I'll provide the entertainment and drama)!

(As a side note, it took all of my effort not to use the song, "Goodbye, Earl" from the Dixie Chicks or "Pray for You" from Jaron and the Long Road to Love as the background for today's purging)!

I know that I'm going to look back on this mid-week and scramble to delete it. However, please take note that if you have any other friends going through this situation, be aware of areas they might could use your help or might could simply use someone to stand next to them and keep their mouth shut (the friend's or yours). I had one friend tell me I was Zena and that she'd hold the shield for me while I fought. (She also made a requirement of me not wearing tights and a cape like a superhero but I don't think she was serious. She's seen MUCH worse on some crazy vacation trips)! That was just what I needed. Not advice about who to be mad at, how to express or not express my emotions, or even what I should or shouldn't use to beat my children with (kidding... maybe). She simply wanted to come beside me and hold part of the burden for a while. I think that's what most of us need when we find ourselves in this boat. I'm actually a pretty intelligent person and I can figure most of this crap out given time, patience, and sanity. But, what I need is simply someone to hear me and keep standing there and help lift the shield a little higher. I can handle the sword.

I admit that when I read the Zena text last week, my first thought was to find some kind of Zena costume. Then, I realized that Zena is VERY well endowed. Remember what I mentioned earlier about gravity having a bit of a tighter grip on certain body parts after having a baby? Well, let me tell you that I definitely could NOT pull off the boobs at full-staff look! Yikes! So, this Zena wanna-be is heading to bed with a cup of hot tea. Good night, all!

Oops, I did it again...

"I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow your statutes"
Psalm 119:59

A few months ago, Andy did a message titled "Guardrails." The premise of the series was simply that you need to establish guardrails throughout your life BEFORE an accident occurs. The guardrails are meant to keep you between the navigational beacons and help you avoid disaster. Preferably, those guardrails would be set back several feet from the actual hazard to allow you plenty of space between you and the danger zone.

Eric and I talked at length about this series. It applies to Grant and his friendships, as well as, many aspects of our lives. (Obviously, some of our guardrails were made out of cardboard or had faulty installation but...). Anyway, one of the biggest guardrails that I needed to be mindful of was standing up for my own needs. I'm not sure why I'm so crappy at that. I usually am willing to sacrifice my own needs for that of others in order to keep peace or meet others' needs but sometimes I do it for the wrong reasons. I'm very good at doing this "martyr-style" and I'm even better and doing it and huffing about it afterward. No matter what style I wrap around it, it's wrong if I'm not willing to do it without a grudge. (I'll tell you now before Anonymous does that this was probably one of the worst things I brought to our marriage - right behind being poor a verbal communicator).

As I mentioned earlier, the number one thing that all of the counselors keep saying is that I need to take care of myself. That means speaking my mind in truth and love. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Nope. Not for me. And just so you know, I failed miserably twice today. Once in an IM where I tried to uphold my boundaries and ended up being Super Broom Rider and the next time, I put Grant in a scary place because of my lack of willingness (or ability) to take authority and speak my mind.

Remember our drunken neighbor? (Let me just note that she and hubby both have pretty high profile jobs for the neighboring school board. Glug, glug, glug)! She came banging on the front door this evening like the world was ending. (She probably thought it was going to. In fact, she had all of her clothes on when she came to the door so she must have been planning on going somewhere)! :) Grant ran upstairs to get me when she started beating on the door. I'd just convinced Annie to go to sleep. The minute I unlocked the door, she bolted in with her little dog in tow. She marched straight to the sofa and sat down. (All the while, our cat who is more like Cujo, kept eyeing her little purse dog. I think I was silently looking for a good fight and some payback)! I did note that she wasn't wreaking of alcohol when she entered so I wondered if she was just giving me a heads up that she was going to sick the HOA on me for the weeds and condition of my yard. Nope, the minute her butt hit the sofa, she jumped up and randomly asked Grant to see his room. Grant looked at me in disbelief. He knew his room was a disaster area and we just aren't in the habit of letting anyone roam the upstairs - especially when Annie is asleep. However, crazy lady didn't wait. She took her dog and headed upstairs. Grant followed after her and I was left just standing there. My mind raced knowing that I wasn't defending my boundaries and I sure wasn't speaking my mind. Although, I'm not sure I would have really wanted the words that were whirring through my mind to actually leave my mouth at that moment. About the time Grant, crazy lady, and her dog cleared the top of the stairs, I heard her stupid little rat dog start squealing like someone was standing on its tail. It wasn't just one little squeal, either. It just kept going. (If Grant had been standing on its tail, he'd have moved quicker than that). In chorus, Annie started wailing, too! She had every right to be pissed that some weird howling noise outside her room scared her to death! I ran upstairs to grab Annie and had decided to tell crazy lady that she needed to leave. As I cleared the top of the stairs, she stood there looking at me very confused and just said, "Oh, did we wake the baby?" Really? Yeah! You also woke the neighbor sleeping two streets over!!! What in the world? Finally, I got Annie back to sleep and gingerly pushed crazy lady back downstairs. She then said, "Mama, I think I'd like Grant to watch my dogs this summer." At this point, I was done. I could tell Grant was really addled and I just told her we'd talk to her later and opened the front door. She didn't get the hint so I had to tell her again that I'd email her later.

Beyond trying to figure out what kind extra special "trip" this lady was on, I'd managed to let her waltz into my home, up my stairs, and into my son's room (oh, and she also "chased" the dog into all of the bedrooms with open doors upstairs, too). What happened to the guardrails I'd put in place about maintaining boundaries and speaking my mind? Failed! Ugh. Why is this so hard for me? What would have been so hard about saying, "Please don't go upstairs. I just put the baby down and it's not presentable for visitors"? Man! This is so aggravating. Just once, I'd like to get this right.

After such a long week and looking forward to another long week, I'm worn out. I really just want to give up. If it was just me, I probably would. I'm so tired of everything being a battle and never feeling like I win. (Yeah, I might have lost the battle but I'll win the war... blah...blah...blah). I feel like my prayers aren't clearing the ceiling (I know they are but sometimes you just feel that way) and that everything that was stable in my life has been tossed into the air and is falling piece by piece and I'm running around like I'm some sort of Looney Toon character trying to catch the random pieces before they hit the ground and shatter into a gazillion more pieces. Meanwhile, I have three kids running around my feet making the job even trickier! I call this "whatever mode" and I can vividly count four times in my life that I've been at this place. It's that point where you're at the mountain peak and teetering. You can choose to slide down one easy side of the mountain and wallow in sin and pity and do whatever makes it feel better OR you can go down the rocky and craggy side inch by inch and scrape your butt, legs, and every other imaginable body part and have to stop and take breathers but know that when you get to the bottom, you'll be in the best place. I'm teetering. No lies. I'm teetering. Enduring the heart-break and continuing trauma of the current path I'm on seems nearly unbearable but I know that the destination will be worth the journey. The hurts from all of the sharp rocks and lonely outcroppings will dull with time. But, man, it just stinks!

So, while I cough up my lungs and wait for NyQuil to take me to lala land, I can tell you that in the last month, I've tried to reinforce every guardrail that I have in place to make sure I'm able to keep myself and all three kids right where we need to be. However, on days like today when I screw up so bad, I just want to stop trying. I know I have to press on and rely on God's strength to carry me through but...

The other dent in my day came when I decided to take the kids to the mall today to ride the carousel after I had Grant's phone looked at at the Apple Store. I didn't even think about the memories we had on the stupid carousel until I was trying to hoist Dasha's 80 pound butt up onto one of the horses and hold onto Annie at the same time. After Ansley came home from the hospital, she had tons of medical equipment which made it nearly impossible to take her anywhere. However, one day, we got brave and decided that every little girl needed a carousel ride in their life. We packed up her stuff and took Grant to ride the carousel. Those memories assaulted me as I stood there going around and around with two carousel horses bumping me from side to side like a warped car wash. Although Annie loved her first ride, I hated it. I knew we'd lose Ansley after that ride but I would have never guessed that I would have lost Eric, too.

I'm really not trying to be morbid day after day. I don't walk around moping and droopy. I laugh and have fun at school and with the kids. However, it's when I finally have a minute to sit down at night and sweep the cobwebs of the day from the back of my brain that this junk seems to show up in the dust pan. Gross. So, I guess this is kind of like my garbage can and I'm dumping the cobwebs and other debris in. I think the garbage bag needs to be changed, though, it's beginning to stink!

They just don't understand...

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).

Today marks one month. Once again, those scabs that seemed to be healing up have been scratched off to reveal a raw and hurting heart. It still only takes a single word of remembrance to bring me to my knees. Today, the word was simply, "Thanks." A random IM about a bill and the response was, "Thanks." That was all it took. I absolutely HATE not being in charge of my emotions. They are like a rogue child that was just given a six pack of Red Bull, shaken up, and let loose at Six Flags. You just never know when it's all going to blow up! As a control freak, it irritates me that something so little (and I'm sure quite insignificant from the delivering end) could issue such a blow. Ugh.

This drama was coupled with the drama of receiving a pretty ugly note from Cobb EMC today. Seriously? Do they not know what I'm going through? They don't seem to care that I've NEVER paid bills before and somehow overlooked their stupid bill for $149.54! They also don't seem to care that I managed to pay every other bill without screwing it up. Seriously? This is one of those situations that I keep talking to Grant about. You just never know what someone is going through so extend grace and mercy (without being a door mat). I'll never forget leaving Egleston hospital and trying to beat the ambulance back to our apartment. We had a team of doctors and nurses delivering Ansley back home (basically to live out her last couple of days in a warm and nurturing environment). My mind was definitely not 100% focused on the traffic on 285. I guess I inadvertently cut someone off and he used the middle-finger salute to me as he passed by. I vividly remember thinking, "I wonder how he'd feel if he was driving home to receiving his dying daughter?" Anyway, I had those same feelings today with the Cobb EMC representative. It also didn't help too much that I couldn't hardly understand a word of her broken English!!! However, they'll get what THEY want in four days when the ebill clears my account. Geez! (In my defense, it would sure help if they actually sent me a real paper bill so I'd know how much they wanted to sap me for)!

Anyway, this is how I've spent my 1 month anniversary of being alone. SUCKS LARGE!

Now, off to bed for more NyQuil and a prayer that this blasted bronchitis will disappear (along with the black cloud I'm letting hover over my head - call it a pity party or whatever you like but it's where I am tonight).

Good night, all!

(Oh, and just in case you caught the nude picture link that Anonymous posted on an older post this morning, consider yourself lucky. That's pretty low and gross)!

I'll have a dump truck full of mercy, please.

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak" (Psalm 31:9-10).

Tonight, there are no words. I'm tired and sick. While the big kids understand that mom isn't feeling well and managed to stay under the radar, Annie doesn't get it (and shouldn't have to). I'm headed to bed in hopes of sleeping off this fever and cough. It's nights like this when I need back up and a very big dose of mercy!

Crazy train...

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer" (Psalm 6:6-9).

Sometimes, I read way too much! I'm the crazy patient who hears a word in a medical office, goes homes and Googles it, and makes a determination on how many more months I have to live. Today, I read something that I think it totally true, though. It said that during "normal" life, you split your energy between emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental activities. However, during times of high stress, up to 85% of your energy is diverted to emotions. This would sure help me justify some of my nutty actions lately! However, the article did NOT place a statute of limitations on these stats! Does this mean that I can still claim that I'm mentally incapacitated in five years? :) Shoot, I tried to make pregnancy related crazy claims well into Annie's 3rd month of life. By month 6, I think folks had caught on that my mental capacity had been permanently compromised and it had nothing to do with pregnancy! Aren't you supposed to ride the crazy train as long as you can? (I'm beginning to think my ticket was booked for a non-stop, round trip ride to no where that will take an eternity)!

Seriously, although almost a month has passed, I still waiver emotionally at times. I've had the distractions of changes at school, different job responsibilities, and my own kids asserting their mental incapabilities on me. This has helped keep my mind going on a hundred different things other than my personal life. I think that's good right now. As I've said before, I don't do too well with emotions. Also, this time of year there are days when it takes that 85% energy level just to keep my emotions zipped up and not let them burst out. Other days, it takes that 85% energy level to keep 24 students from usurping my kingdom and throwing me in the dungeon like Desperaux! Today, they all started chanting at field day and I had that really scary feeling again that I was terribly out numbered! (I say this jokingly. I love my class dearly and I'm not looking forward to seeing them go next week)!

So, my point for this entry is simply that I'm claiming to be short on mental energy these days so I'm going to go ahead and warn you. When you see me sitting in a corner and babbling with drool running down my face, you'll know I'm diverting energies from other areas to deal with my emotional deficits! (I don't have the Energy Star logo stamped on my butt so I'm not too energy efficient and can only handle one major task at a time)!

Hope everyone has a great night! I'm off to bed with a bottle of Robitussin! Bottoms up and lights out!

The Princess Factor

OK, so last night, my thoughts were focused on Grant. Tonight, it's the girls I'm thinking about. I'm going to keep this simple tonight. I'm not going to whine or complain. I've done quite enough of that lately!

My "a-ha" moment on this subject came a few years ago. It was one of those moments when it was like I was handed a puzzle piece that had been missing from my "big picture" for years. Simply put, "Every female wants to feel like a princess."

Since Annie was old enough to talk, she frequently tells us that she's cute and may even repeat it several times until you acknowledge her and reaffirm her thoughts. (It brings back memories of that SNL skit with Stuart Smalley - "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And, gosh darn it, people like me")! If you tell the girl she's cute or give her a crown or princess costume, she just lights up. The same holds true for Dasha. I can't think of any little girl on the face of the Earth that doesn't light up when they feel cherished and like the most valued princess in the world. (OK, yeah, there's a line when princess crosses into diva and I begin to get a little uncomfortable but I'm ok with plain old princess)! :)

However, as I thought about the girls lighting up at the thought of being a princess, I wondered what was driving that motivation. At first, I thought of the zillions of Disney movies and fairy tales where the princess meets Prince Charming and they live happily ever after. But, hey, Annie hasn't seen those movies and she's already motivated by the princess factor. Then what is it? I sure don't walk around in a crown and jewels and encourage the girls to follow suit. (And, if you were looking in the window that one time I did, keep your trap shut - kidding)! After a long time of dwelling on this, I've come to realize that it's something girls are born with- an innate need to feel like a princess and be treated like one. When girls are little, it's about the costume and tea parties and castles. As they get older, it's about Prince Charming (and possibly still the castle). But, if you follow the progression, I quickly realized that you don't ever grow out of this need. Every female must have this need down deep inside to be that princess. However, maybe someone should just stop me now and tell me to add this to my list of "Things to talk to the therapist about." I admit to being a hopeless romantic and I filter everything through my little pea brain with a lens that reads, "What this would look like in a fairy tale..."

If you have girls in your home (young or old), think about this and see what you can do to enhance their princess-ness. Tonight, Grant was out so dinner was by candle light and we wore alumnim foil crowns. (My budget is a bit on the shy side this month so the diamonds and rubies will have to wait until next month or at least wait until I can find the old Bedazzler with the fake jewels)!

If you've ever seen the movie Enchanted, I admit that I got a little confused that princesses weren't all supposed to be thrilled about cleaning. Oops. The girls quickly set me straight, though.

In all seriousness, so many of our young girls are falling by the wayside for hundreds of reasons. I think one of the biggest things that pushes some of those girls over the cliff is the need to be the princess. Think about it, how many teen pregnancies have happened because someone's little girl simply wanted to be the princess for Prince Charming?

OK, I've rambled on about this way too long and I'm not even sure I made sense. I've just had the realization that my girls want to be princesses and there's nothing wrong with that. It's part of something very special in the way God designed them. However, I've also figured out that I want to be a princess, too. So, when you see me out in public places wearing a way too small Cinderella or Snow White costume, please don't be alarmed. Just tell me if any major body part is hanging out of the costume and kindly help me shove it back in so I can go on my way. Also, if I suddenly burst into song as most Disney princesses are prone to do, don't be too shocked, either.

Sadly, for some of us as adults, we have to put down those princess dreams momentarily to tend to raising the next batch of princesses.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

At this point, my life is like a storehouse full of boxes. (Or, I guess this would be where Forest says, "My life is like a box of chocolates"). Each box contains some different scene from my life. Some of the boxes are worn because they contain favorite scenes that I love to look at over and over again. Some of the boxes have been duct taped shut and moved to the back of the room so they're out of daily view. Today, one of those boxes I'd pushed to the back accidentally got knocked over and spilled out as I was trying to rearrange the other boxes.

As I dropped Grant off at my parents' house tonight for scouts, I suddenly saw Grant as a teenager. Not my little Grant but a full fledged teen. He stood taller than my mom and almost taller than my dad. He was standing there with his new "cool dude" clothes on that were graduation gifts. He was talking about band try-outs today and the big field trip they're taking tomorrow on motor coaches. It was like an out of body experience. The gentle giant is man-sized and doing man-sized things! Ugh!

As the thought of his manhood assaulted every emotion in my body, I seemed to be running around like a nut job in my storehouse full of boxed memories and ran face first into a box that I've been packing and repacking and trying to keep the lid closed. The box spilled out all over the place and it's going to take me all night to repack it. Who will help Grant become the man he is to be? I'm in left field when it comes to this man stuff. From the stench, to the fur, to the matters of the heart, I'm incapable. I know that God will put people into our lives to help mold and shape him and, yes, my dad is near but it's just not the same. This is one of those dreams that I'm having to readjust. Man, this was NOT the box I needed to flip over tonight. This isn't like a, "Hey, Merv! Clean up on aisle 4," kind of spill. This is more like the CSI, police tape, crime scene kind of mess where they need hazmat suits to get it all under control. Ugh.



Meanwhile, as I ramble on here, the girls are both playing grocery store and watching Dora together as if they are the same age. There are some nights it bothers me to see Dasha engage in play so fully at a 2 year old's level. However, tonight isn't one of those nights. I'm just glad the girls are busy.

On a brighter note, the meeting with the new principal went well. The most notorious of phrases that will usher in this new era of administration will be, "No cracks in the front or back showing!" OK, I admit that I took me a minute to figure out that the front crack was cleavage. Geez! However, I like his style and I'm looking forward to change next year. While we're shaking up the Boggle cube, we might as well make sure every darn letter gets jiggled and flipped thoroughly! (And to be honest, I'm just hoping the letters don't land to spell out any special four letter words this time)!

As for my assignment as the "Boot Camp Instructor," we had fun. There are only four students (all boys) and we had all sorts of contests. I even took the Nerf gun (number chooser - not a "gun" if you're on school property) and let them collect points by shooting at the board with the suction cup darts. Talk about motivation! I bet I could convince them to pass the SAT if I'd had a real BB gun (or a live target - such as myself)!

It's only 6:00 but the girls have been fed and I'm ready to head to bed and knock out the rest of this cold. Grant has to be at school tomorrow morning before 6:30 so my beauty sleep is going to be compromised! It hasn't been a very monumental day and normally, I wouldn't have ever bothered to post on a day like this. However, in my quest to maintain a journal of my crazy ups and down over the next few days, weeks, and months, I offer up the spilled boxes, Nerf darts, and a big 'ole box of chocolates! However, right now, I'm identifying more with the phrase, "Run, Forest! Run," than, "Life is like a box of chocolates!" If there was chocolate in this house right now, I'd be locked in the closet chowing down on it!

As for my Anonymous friend, I know I can turn the comments off on the blog. However, seeing how truly sad this person is kind of makes me feel better about myself. :) Have you ever watched some else's kids act like complete fools and looked at your own and thought, "I'm a pretty darn good parent?" I guess the comments are a little like that. For now, Anonymous can comment all she wants. (I've looked into having the address traced and all sorts of other things but...). Maybe this sounds really twisted but I guess it's a little like knowing who the competition is!

Who you gonna call? NOT Ghost Busters!

I admit that I'm counting down the hours and minutes to the time everyone in this house will be asleep tonight. It's been one of THOSE weekends. Between trying to squash a nasty cold that was trying to take over my body and Annie's poo problems, there was simply too much drama! (On a brighter note, I think I've beaten the cold and the um, shall we say, obstruction that was causing Annie such distress is now free and her plumbing department resembles what's happening with the Mississippi River right now in LA)!

I had one major epiphany this weekend, though. In trying to do some things around the house that Eric has always handled (changing light bulbs, moving furniture, yard work, fixing technology problems), I became more and more frustrated and felt helpless with the whole situation. Who am I going to call to climb to the top of my bathroom ceiling (very high and weird angled ceiling) to change a stupid light bulb? You don't want just anyone trasping through your bedroom and into your bathroom. Who do you call? (And, no, Ghost Busters aren't on the list for this one either, although, they might could've used their ray guns on me to get rid of my attitude monsters). Anyway, I just felt helpless. Who is going to help me get jars unstuck and other stupid trivial things like that? Yeah, it sounds like the only reason I'm lamenting this whole situation is becuase I need someone to help around the house but that's not it. This is just a snapshot of the big picture.

Anyway, as I grew more frustrated, Grant begin trying to take responsibility for everything. He ended up having one of the worst blow outs since this whole thing started! He feels responsible for me despite my pleas for him to simply be 11! However, with this realization, I started to see the damage I'd done in letting my frustrations show. This puts me in a very sticky situation. I'm trying to be very good about communicating clearly and honestly with him and trying to keep my emotions very neutral with him. However, there are just those moments when you need to blow off some steam. Where do you go to do that when there are three sets of eyes watching? After lots of tears and a phone call with Eric, Grant did calm down but I realized that I'd completely zipped up MY emotions again and pushed them back down so they couldn't be seen in order to protect Grant.

(In counseling, they always referred to your emotions as your "bear" and used a stuffed bear as an illustration. You don't have to share your bear with everyone. In fact, you should only share your bear when you feel safe. Well, right now, my bear has been Saran-wrapped, boxed, bagged, tagged, and put on the highest shelf out of reach of everyone).

After thousands of dollars and hours of counseling, the first thing on the list is always about taking care of yourself and your feelings. Hiding emotions (your bear) is NOT part of this process. I'm working so very hard to be successful at this "taking care of yourself" thing and I'm just not good at it. I'm used to putting everyone else's needs (the kids') first. I have a servant's heart but I've turned it into a door mat. That's not what I've been called to do. I've never seen, "Thou shalt be a door mat unto the world," in the Bible. Yeah, I know I should call a sitter or walk outside or do something like that but sometimes, you just need some freedom to lose it and be mad, sad, lonely, and have a full-blown pity party. I don't have that option right now and I'm beginning to feel the effects. The sad thing is that the kids feel it, too. I'm grumpy and have very little patience with them. Annie is at that age where she's naturally annoying and Grant and Dasha, well, I guess they're at that age too. OK, maybe that wasn't a good excuse. I just need a break. I need to be able to walk away and leave the kids with Eric so I don't have to worry about anything and just lose it for a day or two! As I look back, I can see the mounting stress and I know that I have every right to take a break. This drama peaked during CRCT week which is a monster in itself, then I had the initial shock and questions to deal with, then news of a new principal, then a new assistant principal, then end of the year activities, then dealing with a lawyer, scouts activities, Annie's tummy troubles, my own health issues (stress is NOT good for blood sugar), trying to make it through an entire month paying bills and budgeting on my own for the first time in my life, and then just keeping up with the basics of child rearing, house work, and work. Even if I removed one of these stressors, I'd still be a great poster child for Prozac!

Basically, this situation looks like someone threw a stone (ok, a boulder) into the middle of a lake. Yeah, there was a huge splash that majorly disrupted the water immediately around the rock. However, the ripple effect carries out and over everything in the lake. While Eric and I were at the center of the lake with the boulder, the kids are having the ripples wash over them constantly. I'm trying not to sink but I'm trying to protect the kids from the waves, too. Common sense (along with the AirTran stewards) says to save yourself first so you can then help those around you. But, moms don't normally operate like that.

OK - Maybe I've had a bit too much cold medicine tonight. Every other paragraph is an analogy. It sounds like some lower level college psychology paper. Oh well. It is what it is.

(And, to add to my confusion, the message at church this morning has me very perplexed. I grew up in church. I've heard this stuff a million times before. However, Andy's take on today's verses I've filed in the "Things that make me go, 'Huh?' file." You can check the link if you want to help me out but I'm just stumped as to how to make restitution for emotional damage. You can't repay that. This is just another piece of the puzzle that I need to work out.) http://www.northpoint.org/messages/life_apps (part 3)

Now, I'm headed to bed to get ready for a meeting with the new principal tomorrow and the first day of my position as CRCT (remediation) Boot Camp Drill Instructor. Not looking forward to being out of my own classroom but you do what you gotta' do to keep your job these days! I've decided that my first point of business tomorrow morning will be to teach these students to march in time. Hey, isn't that the first note of business in boot camp? Maybe I'll use this cadence,

Birdie birdie in the sky
Dropped some whitewash in my eye.
I won't fuss and I won't cry--
I'm just glad that cows can't fly.

Oh boy. Enough NyQuil for me. (LRE teachers, if you see students marching in formation down the halls tomorrow morning, think nothing of it)!

Housekeeping and alientation...

"Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Housekeeping...
I've debated all day about whether I should address my Anonymous friend or not. Here's what I've decided. They say that a picture says a thousand words so I'll offer up four of them. Most of what my Anonymous friend says is quite true. I'm spoiled (Eric's fault). I'm a hopeless romantic. And, I pulled the last straw from the shaky house that started the collapse. However, it's quite clear that Anonymous isn't familiar with grace, mercy, or forgiveness. I've prayed for grace and mercy and asked a thousand times for forgiveness. And, as for the comments about my kids, that's where this mama bear snaps. My kids are spoiled. Wouldn't you do everything possible for your kids if one had buried a sister, one had lived the first seven years of her life in a sub-standard institution, and one was a miracle? So, as I said, my Anonymous friend seems to be privy to many details of this situation which I wasn't going to broadcast. Thanks to the numerous texts and posts which help me remember just how human and imperfect I am but how big God's grace and mercy are.

"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6)

Alienation...
Yesterday, I posted that this whole situation was far worse than death because it seems that the moment my heart begins to scab over, the scab is ripped off and everything starts again. In no matter of coincidence, as I was reading last night, the chapter I started dealt with alienation.

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines alienation as "a withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from a position of former attachment."

In my current situation, alienation is the word that describes it. It's not just separation of two high-school sweethearts. It's separation between our friends, family, and those who are bold enough to meddle. It seems that everyone feels a need to take sides. His or hers. The kids are even trying to get in on the action. They feel like if they are loyal to one parent, they are disloyal to the other. It's a trap. My Anonymous friend is really in on the game! I'm too tired to get into the deepest darkest corners of my brain and explain all of my thoughts on this tonight but, believe me, as I read that chapter last night, I felt like it was written specifically for me.

Tonight, I'm heading to bed with the beginnings of a nasty cold. However, I'm also going to bed knowing that Annie's plumbing is now functioning closer to full capacity so I've avoided a hospital trip. (Thank you oranges, grapes, and watermelon)!!! I'm looking forward to getting some rest and then heading to church in the morning. I mentioned not going so I could nurse my cold and the kids revolted. Annie NEEDS her cookies and the big kids don't want to miss the lesson. Hmmmm.... It means so much to me to know that my kids want to go to church (even if it is just for the cookies)! :)

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~Laura Story

For some reason, music has always been an outlet for me. Maybe it was all of those years of music lessons. Who knows. However, I do know that there are a few songs out there that just simply stop me in my tracks. This is one of those songs.

After a great day with my students (story telling, pantomime, juggling, fencing, African dance, world music, and no shortage of laughs), I'm pooped tonight.

Speaking of poop, Annie has been constipated for the last several days (I know, TMI) which is now making her not pee. If I don't get her to pee more, it means going for an IV of fluids. I can't do a toddler and an IV after all I went through with Ansley. The sheer thought of having to write Annie's name on a hospital form makes my head spin! And, to do it alone simply makes me nauseous! The sights, smells, and noises are just overwhelming. So, I will get her up every couple of hours to give her liquids (and MiraLax) to try to get things moving again. I thought we'd moved past this after we had a major poopage yesterday but, hey, I guess after a couple of days, one blow-out doesn't solve all of the problems!

With all of my thoughts spinning around "what-ifs" of taking Annie to the hospital, I've thought quite a bit about Ansley's time with us. I so vividly remember living in a fog for the months she was in the hospital. I just did what needed to get done and kept my emotions stuffed up under the zipper in order to make sure everyone got what they needed. However, looking back, I can absolutely see all of the good that came out of Ansley's life, the details surrounding her care, and even our job situations. Like I said, that hind-sight is always 20/20. In the moment, you feel completely blind but once the dust settles, you can see it all so clearly.

I'm hoping that in time, I'll be able to look back over this "season" of my life and say the same things. However, death is such a certain thing. Once it's over, it's over. Once Ansley passed, I didn't worry about having her pop back in our lives. I worked on moving ahead. There is nothing certain about splitting a family apart and the pain seems to resurface every day in a different way. From finding an old photo to finally changing the sheets on the bed that he slept on. Everything has a memory. Yes, Ansley left memories but it was 9 months worth of memories. This has left almost 20 years of memories, 4 children, and a lifetime of dreams, hopes, and philosophies in shards. And, unlike death, there's still daily communication. Watching someone start a new life and build new dreams, hopes, and philosophies is the hardest part of this whole split for all of us.

So, as for the numbers of you who have genuinely said, "I've been there and I understand what you're going through," I say, "No, you don't." Did you marry the only guy you ever held hands with? Did you marry the only guy you ever even dated? Did you marry the only guy you ever kissed? Did you marry your high school sweet heart? Did you have one beautiful child only to watch her disintegrate before your eyes and have to bury her in front of your 3 year old? Have you trusted God for over $20,000.00 to adopt a child from Russia with special needs and then have to come to the full realization of the extent of those needs? My list goes on. So, please don't tell me that you've been through what I'm going through. Yeah, you may have known life was rocky and then gotten side-swiped seemingly out of the blue but that's probably where the similarities end.

Now, back to my night. I get to spend the remainder of the night waking a two-year old up to give her water (or whatever she'll take) and wondering if she'll take enough to unstop her little tummy. The fear of knowing that I might be headed for a hospital visit alone with Annie makes tonight seem to stretch ahead of me in an indefinite holding pattern. I'm sure some of you are picking up the phone right now to tell me that you'd go to the hospital with me but it's not the same. I have to pretend to be the warrior for the outsiders. With him, I could let my guard down and just be real - cry, stomp, laugh, whatever. Nothing is the same right now. (And, honestly, I'm getting tired of being the warrior).

As the song says, "Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" I'm hoping that all of these raindrops, tears, and sleepless nights are going to be my mercies. However, tonight, I'm heading to bed for a few hours simply hoping for a few moments of relief from everything.

Good night

(Oh, and just so you know, Blogger was down last night so I had a legitimate excuse for not posting)! :)

Direction (not intention) determines your destination...

I'm beginning to think that I need this video surgically implanted in my brain. When we heard this message a few years back, it was life changing (momentarily). My life is so full of INTENT without DIRECTION. I can't begin to count the number of things I've planned to do but never carried out.

For example, tonight I had a sitter. My intent was to go and do something for myself. However, after a quick Publix run to buy juice to unstop a stopped up baby, and then a run to WalMart to buy butt powder for the same baby, I'd run out of time. While I had great intent, I didn't have clear direction and I ended up with a night of errand running instead of a night of perusing Barnes and Noble or wandering aimlessly through JoAnn's looking at fabric.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've learned to plan for direction in ways I never thought I'd have to. From planning to get through an entire month on a monthly pay check to getting my emotions glued back together again (semi-Humpty Dumpty style but at least I used Gorilla glue), I've had to go beyond intentions. I've never had to do that before. I've always had the luxury of having good intentions and then being able to fall back on someone else's plan. Right now, there is NO plan B. My plans must be full of direction and not just intent. What's that old saying? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Yikes.

The road that has led me to this place in my life is littered with piles of good intentions but not much direction. Ugh. What's that other saying that I hate? Hind sight is 20/20?

On a brighter note, I'm heading to bed with a new magazine that I did decide to grab at Publix. Whoo-hoo! This is now what I call an exciting night! Publix, WalMart, and a new magazine. I've also started watching reruns of Glee on Netflix. I love the music in the show but I just keep thinking that the title should have been High School Musical: the Untold Stories or even High School Musical (the rated R version). I'm shocked that this was such a big hit. Whood'a thunk it!

Don't miss your chance...

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:8

As time goes by, we forget how much we appreciate those who've seemingly always been there. From simple things like knowing that there's someone who knows your secrets and still doesn't head for the border to those bigger hurdles like encouraging you through those moments in life where you think you'll simply crumble under the pressure. Take time to tell those folks, "Thank you," and don't take it for granted.

Integrity

"Character is the will to do what is right, as defined by God,
regardless of personal cost." ~Andy Stanley

Tonight, I'll admit that my mental sharpness is equivalent to bristles on a baby's toothbrush. My emotions are wavering between peaks of Mt. Everest and depths of Davy Jone's locker. However, after wrestling for the last couple of days with an issue, I have some resolution. Thousands of dollars of counseling over the last few months have all emphasized one thing as paramount, taking care of yourself and maintaining your personal integrity. The problem seems to be that throwing stones seems to be more socially acceptable (and fun) than looking for that balance of taking care of myself, maintaining my boundaries, and doing what I feel is "right." Anyway, tonight, I will keep it short and simple because I'm too drained to put any more effort into writing something sensible.

Basically, know WHAT you believe, WHY you believe it, and be willing to accept the risks associated with upholding those beliefs if you want to be a person of integrity.

Good night to all! Is it really only Monday?

"Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened." 1 Peter 3:14

Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed. Mark 6:51

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Unzip that zipper!

"Grudge-holding is living in the past. Forgiving is moving forward."

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17-18

Church hasn't been easy for me for the last few weeks. In fact, last week, I just skipped it. My heart has been so raw that I just didn't want to try to wade through all of the muck to try to hear a message and make application or even attempt to worship and let everything end up spilling out right there in the middle of the auditorium! However, my kids actually beg to go to church and get upset when I make up lame excuses not to go. (Annie still thinks church is about cookies, playing in the home-living center, and coloring but she still talks about going all week long)! Anyway, I dodged the bullet last week by saying that we all just needed to sleep in but I knew that wouldn't work again today.

So, I laid out everyone's clothes last night and prepped everything to get ready. I'm still not sure why I can make it out of the house through the week at 6:30 a.m. but struggle to get everyone out by 8:30 on Sunday mornings! It's the strangest phenomenon! Anyway, this morning, things went smoothly with the help of a box of Pop-Tarts as bribery to keep everyone moving along! (Pop-Tarts are normally illegal in the house but Grandma dropped a box off to be helpful - yeah, sugar rushes and non-nutritive breakfast foods are always helpful)! :) But, we pulled into the parking lot in time to get everyone settled into their environments and that left me without an excuse to avoid going into the auditorium.

After walking as slowly as possible and making an unnecessary bathroom stop, I dawdled into the darkened room hoping there wouldn't be any seats left. Nope. No luck there. The usher quickly spotted a seat just for me. I just didn't want to be there. It's not that I'm mad at God or blaming Him for this mess. I've just worked really hard to zip all of these emotions up and usually do pretty good at keeping them all tucked away. Church can be kind of unpredictable, sometimes, though. You never know where the message will land and I was terrified that it would end up landing smack dab in the middle of my zipper that was already bulging and everything would go spewing out.

The band started and the first song was Everlasting God. The lyrics go something like...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I was fine until, "You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak..." Come on now! Did they really need to do that one? I've already told you how weary I am. At that point, I could feel the zipper across my heart pulling more taunt with every verse. Had I been alone in that room, I would have probably just melted into a puddle in the middle of the floor. I would have screamed out all of those unintelligible questions at the ceiling. But that sure wasn't going to happen. I'm uncomfortable when other people cry for some reason and I sure as heck don't like to show emotions in front of others - even in the darkness of the church auditorium with the strobe lights distracting those around me from my actions.

They finally ended the first song and moved into "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone." Ok. I give up. At that point, I knew I was in for a long hour of trying to control my emotions. I'm not sure whether it's the relief of pressure of not having three kids looking to me for their strength or just the simple holiness worship but I gave up trying to hold it in and just let the tears roll. I'm not sure exactly where all of those tears came from but I think I might be dehydrated after that! :)

My point of this rambling mess tonight, is simply that after releasing the zipper from my heart and letting the emotions spill out right there in public, I was able to hear the message for the first time in weeks. Yeah, I'd heard the last few messages Andy had taught but today I was actually able to hear and understand because I wasn't so darn focused on keeping control of my emotions.

We're in the second part of a series called Life Apps at our church. And this week, of course, the "life app" was forgiveness. Really? Come on, now! This is the last thing I want to hear about right now! However, it was no mistake that I'd finally let go of the emotions and actually heard today's message. I felt like I was the only one in the room and Jeff was speaking directly to me! It's those kinds of mornings that reaffirm God's plan for our lives. Although, I have to tell you that I've had some serious doubts over the last few weeks!

I'm going to stop my rambling now and get everything ready to roll out of here at 6:30 in the morning as the kids (and teachers) begin the final count down to the last day of school - although I'm not sure what I'll do when school is out. I love my class and the ladies I work with!

If you have a moment, watch the message from this morning. Even if you aren't a "churchy" kind of person, you'll find the historical elements very interesting and the visitor from the book Unbroken (same author as Seabiscuit) amazing. Maybe you'll get something out of it, too. I know that God had done quite a work on my heart before I ever pulled my butt out of the seat this morning.

Hope everyone has a great end to their weekend!

http://northpoint.org/messages/life_apps/part-2

Close of business thoughts for today...

It's been a productive day but I'm pooped! Here are the highlights.

7:00 - 10:00 Try to feed, clean, and dress kids in semi-matching, semi-clean clothes in order to take a picture for my mom for Mother's Day.

10:00 Load three kids into the van to go and take the picture. It was like having Laurel, Hardy, and Sponge Bob in a photo shoot. Without my realization, Grant was pondering the shoot part (as seen in this photo). In less than 15 minutes, I had over 100 shots and probably only about 5 that were truly gift giving material. Oh well. I checked it off of the list!

11:00 - 1:00 Time warp sucked this part of my day away. I really can't account for it! Hmmmm....

1:00 - 3:00 Nap time for everyone including myself! This was a much needed luxury! Whew!

3:00 Hair cut (For the first time in my adult life, the silly little smock they ask you to wear when you get a hair cut buttoned all the way down. Wow! The stress diet beats out Weight Watchers for sure! Maybe I should devise a point system for different stressors. Annie having a tantrum would probably be at least 2 points while dodging flying chairs would be more like a 5 point splurge! I also was able to buy my first pair of Old Navy jeans off of the rack back in December. It's the little victories that make me so happy)!

4:00 Begin planning dinner. Kids begged to go "out." Do you know what it's like trying to eat out with Annie? Even when I'm not outnumbered, it's still not fun! I succumbed to the peer pressure though and we looked through the coupon box, got online, planned what each person would eat, wrote it down, and headed for the restaurant. You laugh at my lack of spontaneity but everyone in the restaurant was very grateful that we had a plan to get in, eat, and get out as quick as possible!

5:30 Groceries, ugh!

6:00 - 8:00 The kids just needed to run wild for a while and I was tired of them doing it inside the house and adding to the chaos! They say, "If you love it, set it free," right? I set all three kids free on the playground and was determined not to strap anyone back into the van until I'd seen them at least yawn three times and beg to leave at least once.

8:00 I realized that the groceries were still in the back of the van. Oops! Believe it or not, everything frozen was still in a semi-solid state and the milk was still cool to the touch so we're just going to pretend like there was no extended field trip involved for the frozen stuff!

8:15 Had to run by dad's to pick up some rope for Grant to work on making knots for Scouts. I was very concerned when the first thing he did was to make a noose. After he goes to sleep tonight, those ropes are going to disappear for my own sake! :) At some point, though, I realized the "rope stop" was taking much longer than intended. Annie's 7:00 bedtime was long gone, too! I gave her a quick bath at dad's just to rinse the grit off of her from the playground and then stuffed everyone back into the van.

8:45 Drove the long way home with the sunroof open and my tunes blaring. As Annie drifted in between la-la land and the reality of knowing she was exhausted, I was tempted to just keep driving and enjoying the peacefulness. I do some of my best thinking in the car under those conditions (usually minus the kids but, hey, it works)! Tonight's train of thought revolved around making an analogy to my current mess and a hit and run accident. One car accidentally (hopefully) crashes into another one causing damage. However, the one with the least damage flees the scene leaving the injured car to deal with a wrecker, insurance, and possible injuries. Hmmm.... Not sure this fits perfectly but it sure helped me file some thoughts in my head into neater piles. Kind of scary to realize that these were the thoughts in my mind as I was driving around with all three kids asleep in the car!

9:15 Everyone is showered and in bed. Whew! Now I can move on to checking off the last few items for the night. Laundry and dishes. Or, maybe I'll just leave them until after church tomorrow and see if the house keeping fairy will stop by tonight. I keep hanging the door sign out requesting service but for some reason, she keeps skipping this house. I'm wondering if I've been black-balled in house keeping fairy land!

Note to a weird-o:
If my daily notes as to my whereabouts and musing bug you, I apologize. Actually, no I don't. Just click that little X button at the top of your screen and stop reading if I'm bugging you! I make note of this because I've gotten several comments over the last few days and weeks that are almost of a threatening nature regarding my blog. Since those comments are anonymous, I'm not sure who they are coming from (duh, isn't that what anonymous means?). However, my daily babbling here is simply therapy for me. It helps me take my mounting emotions and thoughts and dump them into one area, organize them, and then move on. I'm not posting this stuff in order to have a following of folks feeling sorry for me. I have no need for anyone's pity or even charity. It took two of us to get into this mess and I will gladly admit to my share of the issues. However, no where along the way have I solicited help or anything else. So, in closing, to the nut case that continues to post nasty notes on this blog that I have to delete in the wee hours of the morning, feel free to continue doing this if this is your method of therapy. However, I will continue this path of self-therapy, as well, since most therapists in the greater Atlanta area would take a look at me and run for the hills!

If you're not the weird-o stalking me on my blog, then I apologize for ranting. Why are people so ridiculous? As the kids watched some show on Animal Planet last night, there were two wild cats (who knows what kind) fighting each other. They were ready to fight to the death. Dasha was mortified. However, I think humans are even worse. They don't fight to the death. They just fight to maim!

OK, I've officially decided that the load of laundry in the dryer will stay there for the night and the dishes in the sink will just get an extra few hours to soak. I'm going to bed.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

Stupid is as stupid does...

No, I'm not calling Annie stupid! Let's just clear that up right now! This is just the only real photo I have of one of the kids doing something ridiculous that's totally legal!

Why do people do stupid things? If people would stop doing stupid things, the "here's your sign" industry would go belly up! Tonight, though, I believe I'm the stupid one that deserves a sign stapled to my forehead.

Yeah, it's been a very long week. Yeah, the kids are all struggling. Grant wakes up screaming. Annie roams the house looking for Daddy and continues to say he's in TX or getting coffee. And then, there's Dasha. It's just so hard to know exactly how much of this situation Dasha understands. I do best when things are either right or wrong. No or yes. Up or down. Black or white. Dasha dwells in grays.

We've had test after test to determine her exact mental capabilities. Most of those tests show that she's capable of average intelligence but the problems come in the area of processing. Many times, this means that it takes her a whole lot longer to process directions you've given and sometimes she has to dwell on a concept for days before she suddenly has an "a-ha" moment. There have been NO "a-ha" moments this week for her!

Wednesday night was traumatic for everyone as final good-byes were made. However, in her efforts to process the emotions surrounding the situation, she got violent with me. What I didn't know then was that we were at the top of the roller coaster and it would just go down hill from there!

On Thursday, I got multiple reports of Dasha's antics at school. She'd lied, hidden work in her desk, gotten sassy and disrespectful with both a teacher and an administrator, and then continued on the same path with me at home. (Mind you, I'm not in a perfectly peachy state of mind either)! Despite her actions, we did our best to complete homework. We made it though a portion of the work and then realized that the directions for the huge project she was supposed to complete (it had been due Thursday but she didn't finish it) were back at school hidden in her desk somewhere.

Now, I'll admit to you that as this scenario unfolded, I was counting all of the animals I could think of in my head that eat their young and wondering what it would be like to be reincarnated as one of those animals. Annie was also in melt down mode which added a glorious melody to the entire house, as well. Grant was lucky to escape the scene for a bike clinic, at least. But, you get the picture of the bedlam that was suffocating the hours from 4:00 - 9:00 last night!

Back to Dasha, we eventually packed up her papers and simply called it a night. I still didn't have a grasp on what she'd done and not done but I knew I couldn't tolerate her attitude for another second. (Another on-going issue - Are the actions related to the traumatic events of the week, simply based on teenage hormones, her sensory overload issues, or a weird mix of everything - and, how do you disciple and deal with that mix)? She went to bed quickly and quietly without too much fuss and I was grateful for that!

Then, as if a scene from Groundhog Day, it all started again with the alarm clock buzzing me awake! The only difference today, though, was that Dasha landed herself a coveted spot in in-school suspension and still didn't finish her work. In order to spare you the details of the remainder of my day, I'll skip to 5:00.

We finally made it home and I got dinner on the table. I'd already decided that I was going to be proactive with Dasha's work for next week and we'd get some of it done this weekend. I set her up at the dining room table and helped her get her things organized so she could start task number one of Operation Don't Eat the Children weekend! She completed next week's spelling in record time. It was the wrong list of words but, hey, she was compliant. Then, the whining began. It started like a dull roar similar to tire noise when you're inside a luxury car with the windows rolled up. Then, it got louder. (Think Blue Angels doing a fly-by over your house). Mind you, I was doing my best to leave her alone and let her express her disgruntled comments in solitude. Then I heard it. I knew the sound of the chair hitting the wall (my newly painted walls for that matter). By the time I rounded the corner into the dining room, I know I'd counted to ten at least ten times but it wasn't working.

Her excuse, "I'm just tired and don't want to do hard work. I don't like it." I calmly tried to reason with her and explain to her all of the events in my life that are hard work and don't really make me jump for joy and painted her a picture of what life would look like for us if I didn't do those hard things. I don't think she cared or understood because the chair to her other side suddenly flipped over, too. (I'm still pretty sure that her foot had something to do with it)!

At this point, my mind raced as to what my next move should be. Should I overlook her sheer defiance and seeming anger and just coddle her and tell her things will get easier? (I sure as heck wish someone would do that for me right now)! Should I send her to bed and ultimately give her want she wanted? I needed a win - win situation of some sort but as I frantically sorted through all of the dusty files of Cosby show reruns in my head, I couldn't seem to figure out what creative move Heathcliff Huxtable would have made. I could think of what Hank Hill, Homer Simpson, and Ward Cleaver would have done but I drew a blank about something reasonable. I just walked away... until the next chair crashed into the wall.

I hoisted her over my shoulder, carried her out the front door, sat her on the porch, and went back inside. Don't panic! I could clearly see every move she made from the window (and where in the world did she learn some of those motions?)! She needed a brain reset and I needed a second to remind myself that I'm the only adult on duty so I can't go for broke on her behavior because I might not have anything left to spend if one of the others tries something stupid!

She sat there for less than two minutes before I opened the door. (OK, I admit, I was terrified that our crazy neighbor was going to stumble out of her house in a drunken stupor and question my motives of putting one of my kids on the porch in the dark)! We had a very interesting discussion while she sat on the porch in her pjs and I stood there in the doorway (I am very glad that I'd put on semi-presentable pjs, too! I'm sure our neighbors already had quite a show)! When I asked Dasha to explain to me why I was so upset, she looked up and simply said, "Because you're the mom." Insert knife in my heart, twist, and repeat! Really? Is that how she feels? I did regroup quickly enough to carry on a reasonable conversation with her and explain to her that in order to re-enter my house, she'd have to follow my rules, and basically gave her a mom speech but my heart was still aching.

So, now that everyone is in bed for the night, I'm left to ponder this. Does she really think that the only emotion I can show is negative? Yeah, I've been under a lot of stress and I'm emotionally drained and ducking flying dining room chairs isn't my idea of a stellar after dinner workout but what's going on in her mind?

I didn't think she really understood the permanency of the situation but I didn't think it was something she was dwelling on, either. So, I now have one child who thinks he's supposed to be the man of the house, one that is lost in an emotional abyss, and one who roams the house looking for the most precious "possession" she had and can't find it. I'm simply outnumbered and overwhelmed.

I saw a sign today that said, "Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone." All I can say is that I must really be living large right now because my comfort zone is so far behind me that I can't even remember it!

For tonight, I'm heading to bed to find some crazy Hulu sitcom to take my mind off of this mess. I'm sure Annie will not understand the "Do Not Disturb" sign if I put it on the door and she'll still demand to be let out of her cage at 6 a.m. sharp for breakfast! Ugh!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)