OK - I'm admitting right now that I've deleted this post three times now. I don't want anyone to think that we don't love Dasha dearly or appreciate who she is and what her potential is. But, some days, I'm just frustrated.
Lately, Dasha has seemed to sink deeper and deeper into her own strange little world. She chews on things like a new puppy. Yesterday, I caught her gnawing on the remote like it was a chew toy. Today, she was putting lotion on her hands and licking it off. The pediatrician has noted pica as a viable diagnosis but why does it come in waves? It seems like the more stressed out she is, the weirder her cravings become. We've tried strong vitamins to combat any vitamin deficiencies. We've used hundreds of tactile / sensory speciality items for her to chew on but nothing seems to beat a good old fashioned pencil, eraser, or even staples! While I say that sarcastically, please understand that my frustration goes beyond HER. My frustration lies in the WHY and I have a hard time keeping the two separate sometimes.
Hundreds of tests over the last five years have shown that she has processing issues. Basically, she needs instructions written down so she can look back at them. This is tough when I have two other kids who need my attention, though. A simple, "Please go get your library book and read," goes unheeded. But, when I discover Dasha in her room playing with her microphone (after waking Annie up) instead of reading her book, she acts as if she's been caught. When I asked her what she was supposed to do, she says, "I don't remember." For real? I gave her one task. I admit that many times, I feel like she plays me. How in the world can she remember the exact order of notes to play a song on the piano by memory, the exact channel numbers on the TV, and other things but can't remember to go get a book? Yes, the psychologists have proposed so many different answers and justifications but none of them make too much sense.
However, today, as I watched Dasha repeatedly lick the edge of the cup I'd just served her a smoothie in and then begin licking the outside of the cup and then her hand, I had the realization that she seems to be slipping deeper into "Dasha's world."
I know she does much better with the structure of the school year so I've had her working on math and reading. I know she can't very well verbalize her emotions so I've asked her to write letters and draw pictures. I've read every book I can find on sensory disorders, cerebral palsy, and even autism. None of them have any magic answers and the pediatricians and psychologists can't offer much help, either. They all seem to shy away from making a diagnosis on a child that spent her first six years in an institution, has CP, and spoke Russian until she was six. Geez.
It's nights like this, though, that just about do me in. Annie wanted me to read her a book. Dasha wanted to read, too. No big deal. We all piled in my bed. (Grant was at scouts). For Annie, "reading" a book means having in-depth discussions about the pictures and not actually reading the words. Dasha wasn't happy about this and started pushing Annie's hands away from the book. I tried to gently intervene and keep the atmosphere light until Dasha pushed so hard that Annie nearly fell off the bed. When I asked Dasha if she realized that she could have hurt Annie, she just continued to tell me that she wanted me to read the book and not talk about the pictures. Never did she admit that she could have hurt Annie.
Eric and I have used the term to her that, "It's not all about you," over and over again. It's kind of like she's stuck in that ego-centric world of a three-year old. But I'm beginning to get worried. First, she started hurting my cat. I knew I needed to monitor her more closely at that point. Now, she's showing aggressive tendencies toward Annie. Perfect.
My mom is baffled by my stories because she never sees this when she's alone with Dasha. That's the whole point. When Dasha is the center of attention, these behaviors are non-existent. News flash - she can't constantly be the center of attention in my life right now.
As I said, please hear that I do love Dasha. I'm just so frustrated with her actions right now and they are simply getting worse. I'm willing to wager that much of it is due to the stress of our lives right now but that can't be a justification to hurt others! Ugh! If this is what summer vacation brings, what will the first week of middle school look like? (Can I order Prozac in bulk for myself now)?
Next week, Dasha will attend a special needs camp for a few hours a day. I am hopeful that the structure and fun will help her bounce back a little bit.
As I continue to climb around in the cobwebs of my own personal life, days like this with Dasha just make me want to crawl under the covers and sink into the depths of depression. As I see it, though, I don't really have that option. Onward and upward I must go for fear of stalling and falling out of the sky like a lead weight!
Now, after getting both girls tucked into bed, I must go deal with another upset child who has decided that he does NOT want to go to camp (too late), that he can't play video games (who cares), and who wants to know if going to live with Daddy is an option (insert knife in heart and twist). I know this Season will pass but I'm sure hoping El Nino will do some trickery and move things along a little quicker to the next Season (assuming the next one will be better).
For tonight, please just do me a favor. If you know a single mom out there, do something thoughtful for them tomorrow. Whether they are single because their husband has been deployed, they are widowed, or they are divorced, or whatever, just do something thoughtful - an email, a pizza, an extra prescription for Prozac, or a new bottle of Benadryl for their kids. Throughout my years in the classroom, I've watched many families go through tough times but I never thought to reach out in any way beyond saying, "Let me know if you need anything." They aren't going to "let you know." Just do it. I'm not saying that to get your sympathy. I'm just realizing how many moms have struggled through this right in front of my eyes and I never even had a clue how hard it was! I just always compared it to when Eric was gone on a business trip. I have to tell you that it's quite different when there's not a return date stamped on the ticket.
As a side note, this morning, in the continuing saga of my "A-ha" moments, I realized that I could walk on the treadmill, elliptical, and stair climber while watching Netflix from my phone. I think it was the only time today that I wasn't interrupted - yeah, even in the bathroom! It was heavenly!
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