Needed: Memory zapper from Men in Black

Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
Philippians 3:13-14

So, the morning started with a bang but the evening is ending with a wee bit of excitement as I anticipate a fun craft with the kids tomorrow morning. I'd been looking for the girls a playhouse for quite some time. Those darn Little Tikes ones are cute but bulky and expensive (even used) and I need something that can be taken down pretty easily to. After doing some research, I found a pattern to make a really cut house using PVC pipe. We'll see how it goes. I can at least get the frame done tomorrow but sewing the "walls" will probably take a few nights. But, that's ok. It gives me something constructive to do!

I did finish sorting through one of the file cabinet drawers after my melt down this morning, though. I can mark that off of my list. My "A-Ha" moment came when I figured out why photos and other memories cause me such pain. My entire life was built around and on memories of things we did, places we went, stuff we said, etc. Now, I wonder how many of those things were really authentic. For example, the picture above was taken at Palo Duro Canyon in TX. I snapped this shot hanging out of the van window because it was beginning to drizzle and the kids were getting tired. We couldn't even get to the floor of the canyon due to flooding. To an outsider, the event was nothing historical. However, it was the first time I'd seen raw beauty like this. I was overwhelmed with the beauty of the canyon. I'd filed these memories in a very special place even though my family probably never even knew that it meant that much to me. However, after finding out that "they" shared a lengthy visit to the canyon, too, I had to dump all of my memories out of the window because the context in which I'd filed them included sentimental feelings about our reason for even being in TX at the time. It was just another memory that I'd had to crumple up. Yeah, I could "re-frame" the memory in a different context as the counselor said but I'd rather not even think about the place anymore. Lord only knows what went on there on his second trip that sure didn't go on there with three grumpy hungry kids and a minivan. (I called him for hours that day trying to find him thinking that he might be laying dead somewhere. I even called his neighbor and co-workers to look for him). Zip. Memory deleted. (Yeah, whatever! I wish I had one of those zapper things like they have in Men in Black that deletes memories. I don't know how far back I'd zap but I'd sure zap enough out to avoid the mess I'm in now)!

This is why everything is so tumultuous. Every memory I have is now shadowed with wondering if he shared (or will share) the same things with her. What happens if they have kids together? Will all of the memories of him helping deliver our babies be tainted, too? What about our kids? Will they become just a memory to him? What about our wedding night? Ha! We dated for nearly six years but had "saved ourselves." Nope, that precious memory even has soot on it now after knowing about their "first night." Renting our first apartment, what fun that was to be an "adult" and find our own home. I vividly remember looking at the model and dreaming about how I could make it a "home" for us. Nope. Memory wiped out the moment "they" got their first apartment. It's not fair that I have to give up so many beautiful memories. And, I know many of you are thinking how dumb I am for letting him have this much power over my emotions. Well, until you've walked in these shoes, don't judge. Almost the last 20 years of my life have been built on and framed around these memories. Now, as I begin to pluck memories out of the corners which are sullied by the current situation, the Jenga blocks are beginning to sway and swoon like they might just collapse at any moment. I can't let that happen, though. I can't let myself or the kids get trapped under all of the rubble.

So, as I feared, with the extra time and unstructured hours of summer, my mind has time to meander and wander down memory lane despite knowing it's the wrong road to take right now. I must find things to fill my time (such as constructing buildings out of PVC pipe). Tonight, I'm not heading to bed with dread that I'm expected to lay still and quiet for the next eight hours and fight the memories that taunt me each night. I'm going to bed with my head swimming with ideas of how to design a covering for the girls' playhouse. Did you know that you can even build bunk beds, sofas, and swing sets with PVC and the stuff only costs pennies? Hmmm.... I might just have a new living room set by the end of summer after all! It gives a whole new meaning to "design on a dime."

Goodnight.