Matthew West
You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us
Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
Well that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us
‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us
This is my anthem for tonight.
After realizing that when I set the budget up, I only budgeted for four weeks in a month and not five, I just wanted to give up. I've tried so hard. I've put out more effort physically, emotionally, and spiritually over the last six months than I have in the last thirty-five years combined. I just wanted to pack my things up and run away from home to Neverland where I'd never have to grow up.
However, Annie's screams pulled me away from that path and I had to mentally unpack my bags. She and Dasha were playing together (right at my feet) and somehow, Annie went flying through the air and landed face first on the metal bar of her trampoline. Since I was daydreaming about my departure to Neverland, I didn't see what happened in full detail. I don't know if it was an accident or not. I fully expected to pick Annie up and see a gash on her head. Thankfully, we just ended up with a goose egg. After calming her down, I looked up to see Dasha just staring into space. What was she thinking? I called her name a couple of times and she didn't even flinch. What in the world?
And, it was about this time that secretary from the psychologist's office called and asked to reschedule tonight's visit for tomorrow. Yeah, sure, no problem. I can easily rearrange all of the sitters and wait for some answers! I'd worked all afternoon filling out paperwork for the appointment. There were pages of paperwork that asked for details of the pregnancy, developmental milestones, biological parents' and siblings' medical information, and early environmental stimuli. I did the best I could since we don't have too much information. I was plowing along through the pages without too much effort until I came to the pages about the present living conditions. It asked for Mom's address. OK, I handled that one with flying colors. It asked for Dad's address. Um, what do I say? I don't know his address. I left it blank. It asked for Mom's employer. No problem. Dad's employer? Once again, not a clue.
As I struggled with all of the big blanks, I came across the question that I prayed wouldn't be on those forms. What is your current status- single, married, separated, divorced, widowed. I started to simply mark "married" and leave it at that but then I had the realization that these folks were going to be reading the information I provided them AND talking to Dasha. Oh boy. I marked separated. It got worse, though. The next several questions asked about family changes over the last few months. The questions seemed repetitive and began to piss me off. How many ways can you state the same dang thing and do so with some sense of neutrality? Those papers still aren't completed. I thought about emailing them to Eric and having him fill them out but that's taking the easy road and I'm pretty darn sure that EASY isn't anywhere on my road map these days.
So, as I listen to Dasha sitting at the kitchen table tapping out an unknown rhythm with a pencil and humming to herself and know that I'm going to have to get really creative with our finances (or lack of) for the next few days, I just feel like throwing in the towel. I've tried. I've fought a really good fight but I feel like I'm losing and taking three kids down with me. However, I know that as much as I'd like to quit, I can't. The kids are waiting for me to lead the way. I'd like to lead them all to Neverland and teach them to fly like Tinkerbell and play like the Lost Boys and forget about all of crap they've been drug through but I know that's not the plan.
No comments:
Post a Comment