Since Adam and Eve wondered around in the Garden and then added Cain and Abel to their gang, potty training has existed. I have to believe that potty training in the Garden was much easier, though. My assumption is that letting two little boys run commando would have been much more acceptable. I can imagine Eve yelling, "No, Cain! Don't pee on THAT plant!" as Adam stood off to the side inwardly high fiving his son and pride surging through him knowing that he'd wanted to pee on that plant for years! But, even Mary would have had to potty train her son! After all, he was human and as the book says, "Everyone Poops!" (OK, I feel a bit sacrilegious going that far. There's just something not right with that thought).
Anyway, I'm learning that potty training is not for the faint of heart. I feel like I've been training Annie for months. All of the great child rearing books say that as soon as a child starts recognizing that there's something going on in their diaper, you can begin training. Do those authors even have kids? Have they ever been in the general vicinity of a pooping baby? Every kid from birth up knows what's going on when it all "goes down!" Just watch America's Funniest Home Videos. How many kids have you seen in their high chair making the bulging eyes and grunting noise? It's simply a part of nature. So, here's my remedial version of what the other authors consider to be the appropriate way to potty train a child.
Oh, and just let me say that there's a difference when training girls and boys. Boys carry their very own weapon with which to shoot floating targets whether they are Cheerios, Goldfish, or unsuspecting cats (oh, wait, that might only happen in my house). Please keep this difference in mind. You can NOT expect girls to have this sort of aim! Maybe aim isn't the appropriate word to use since even grown versions of boys never seem to master this and only make lame excuses about spraying the walls, floors, and total surround of the commode.
So, to begin potty training, simply let the child follow you into the bathroom every single time you go. This is part of a child's innate being so they will seek you out the moment you head toward the bathroom. If you try to lock them out, they will stick their fingers, toys, paper, and anything else under the door that they can squish under the crack. If you don't respond to this, they will likely begin a war with unsuspecting siblings or animals in the house and then you'll simply be left to waddle from the bathroom with your drawers at your ankles to see who is being killed. So, don't fight nature. Simply leave the door open and let them watch every single thing you do. Skipping this step may prove disastrous to others. Please don't be selfish and expect to have private time when you go to the bathroom. This is outrageously unreasonable.
Now, as these bathroom visits continue, conversations including, "What's that?" and, "What are you doing?" will surely occur. Have a clear game plan ahead of time about what you're going to call all of those parts and pieces. Please keep in mind that at some point over the next five years, your child will probably use these terms very loudly in public so choose wisely. While some families go with "correct" terminology, others choose to use terms such as "private" or "wee wee." Please don't forget that you'll need to have separate terms for the front and back. Just saying! Being prepared is half of the battle.
As the bathroom visits continue and curiosity peaks, your child may begin to create their own private little area in which to do their business. In my house, one child chose to go behind a big stuffed chair when he needed to take care of business and another chose to go under the table. Now, if you've ever litter trained a kitten before, you know that you're supposed to simply put their litter box where they decide to "go." I actually tried this with my daughter and moved her potty chair under the table. Let me just say that visitors aren't always so receptive to your child's potty training needs. So, in order to try to be a bit more socially appropriate, I moved the potty seat into the living room so my daughter could sit and watch cartoons. That was actually quite effective. (She now asks for the iTouch to watch videos on when she needs to have an extended bathroom visit).
Other experts say that the kids should be able to explore their potty seats and "play" with them. I take issue with this, though. I think we all agree that a potty seat is simply a training tool and that ultimately you want your child to learn to use the same facilities that everyone else in the house does. Do you see anyone else in the house playing with the commode in the bathroom? With the exception of the rogue boat being floated in the bowl or a Hot Wheels car getting launched into the water, no. It's just not acceptable to play with the toilet!
In an attempt to help my kids see the value of a good old fashioned toilet, I did not purchase a potty chair that sings when you pee or lights up when you press the button. Let me just say that if music or lights come on when I use the facilities at Target next time, well... Let's just say it wouldn't be pretty. So, I purchased a simple one piece design from Ikea. No frills. No bells. No whistles. However, I quickly realized that I needed more than one seat. It never failed. We were never close enough to the bathroom housing the potty seat to make it in time. I also discovered that the one piece design turned out to have a major gross factor. You had to clean the entire thing every time it was used. There wasn't a simple little pot to pull from underneath and dump out. Nope. So, I rethought the whole scenario and bought the seats that clip on to the regular toilet. This worked great for my daughter. However, this definitely did NOT work for the rest of the family. We quickly learned that while Annie might be able to be successful in getting to the potty on time, the rest of us were not successful after having to remove the training seat and the step stool and clear away her toys and books from where she'd been meditating. Final solution? At this point, we've decided that risking having to do a deep water rescue from the toilet to fish Annie out is the best solution. No training seat. She must hold on to the seat for dear life or end up taking a swim. Cruel? Nah. It's just a rite of passage in our house now.
Once you get a system of training worked out for home, then you have to conquer the big world of other peoples' toilets. There are way more issues here than you can imagine. First of all, you have to get from point A to point B and this usually involves a car seat. Have you ever had to field strip a car seat? Not fun! So, invest in piddle pads (yeah, like the ones for puppies) to put under your littler trainer. At this point, you probably don't carry around a huge diaper bag with several changes of clothes anymore, either. Nope. Revert! Keep a couple of extra outfits in the car including shoes and socks. When infants have a blow-out, they normally only ruin their clothes. When a toddler has a blow-out, all bets are off. The car seat will be wet. The driver will be wet. And, most likely, the occupants of the car will be wet, too. I'm not sure how this happens, but just trust me and pack some extra outfits.
Now, if you make it from point A to point B, and everyone is still clothed and dry, make sure to orient yourself with the facilities in your destination so you'll know where to run when the announcement is made, "I need to go NOW!" Once a trainer makes this declaration, you have about 2.3 seconds to find a bathroom. (Never mind finding a clean one). When this scenario goes down, please keep in mind that kids that are used to cushy cutesy little potty seats may be terrified of the split seats, loud flushing, and imminent danger of falling into the swirling bowl full of germs. (You may be equally scared). If you have a boy, this is one of those situations that you should count yourself lucky. Just pretend that suddenly aliens are invading through the sewer system (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle style) and have him stand, aim, and fire. (Unless you have a child that prefers to ready, fire, aim - good luck with that one - buy Lysol wipes - LOTS)! Anyway, by the time your little trainer has done their business, you'll probably decide that you need to go too. Why not? You're already there. (If you've never read the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, read it. It applies to this situation).
It's at this point that all of your planning comes into play. While you are taking care of your business, your child will likely busy them self by looking around the stall. You may find yourself saying, "Don't touch that," repeatedly. I'll never forget going with a large group from church to Cracker Barrel one Sunday after church. One of the guys went to take his young son to the bathroom and then when they returned, it was obvious that the little guy had been crying. Dad and son sat down at the table and dad simply said, "He won't touch another urinal." Then, lunch proceeded as usual. I still laugh and wonder if that little guy ever tried that again. Anyway, I think I'm stalling to avoid telling you the horror of what happens when you take a child who's well-versed in bathroom language into a public bathroom. Last Sunday, I lived through my own horror story. I, being a responsible parent, took Annie to the bathroom prior to dropping her off at Sunday school. I decided that I'd go too while I was there. Why not? So, I assisted Annie and let her cling to my knees to keep from falling into the bowl, wiped her (Do NOT use regular TP on toddler cheeks! They clinch their cheeks together and you'll never be able to get all of the remnants out without a recon mission. Use strong wipes.), and then busied myself with my own needs. We had been the only ones in the restroom. However, some poor unsuspecting soul decided to use the stall next to us. Annie announced their entrance to me which wasn't too bad. She simply proclaimed that someone else needed to pee. OK. No too bad. Then, she squatted down and made note of the person's feet. At this point, I did say, "Get up. The floor is dirty." She obeyed. (Miracle of all miracles). Then our stall neighbor... well... it was obvious they were taking care of some pretty serious business. Annie proclaimed at what seemed like the top of her lungs, "Mama, she pooted!" Great. At that point, I did not intend to leave that stall until everyone else had vacated the bathroom! But, it got worse. Our neighbor failed to give the complimentary "flush" to cover up any unlady like noises. Once again, Annie keyed in on the noises despite my shushing and pleas to keep quiet. She said, "Her tummy must hurt bad. She has to poop, too!" Ugh. Good news, we were in the preschool area so hopefully the lady next to us had her own kids and understood that Annie was just wildly amused with bathroom noises (thank you to a big brother). However, this is one of those situations in which the embarrassment factor could have been even greater if Annie had been commentating on anatomy and using crazy terms. Just keep this in mind as you plan your potty training journey.
So, this is just a snapshot version of potty training. For some book stores, this section might fall into their non-fiction section on child rearing. For other retailers, this section might show up in their birth-control section. Either way, if you've lived through potty training children and now have children that can take care of their own bodily needs, congratulations. For those who might be in the same boat as I am and are looking down the barrel of a potty training deadline (like entrance into preschool), know that you're not alone.
If all else fails, take heart in knowing that Pull Ups now go to XXL and Depends sizes start at XS so you've got coverage no matter the age or size! I'm already started to make a plan to stencil Disney Princesses or Dora on to the XS Depends for Annie when she goes to kindergarten since I'm beginning to doubt this whole training situation.
Good luck!
