Running Away and Pain Management

 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
Matthew 7:24-27

As I study, this verse keeps coming up. And, of course, you can't read this verse without starting to sing the old Sunday school song about the the wise man building his house upon the rock and the rain tumbling down. Right now, it's definitely raining in my world. However, I know that my house is built on a strong and solid foundation and isn't going to go SPLAT like the house built on the sand. However, just because this house is built on the rock doesn't mean that I don't have moments where I watch a little leak trickle down the wall or feel the wind blow through a crack. Today, I've been too focused on the leaks and cracks and not focused enough on what's under my feet and over my head - solid shelter.

Trickles and cracks -

• LA Fitness decided to draft my account for next month's pay even though I used a gift card to pay them with. Now, I'm going to have to fight them to get my money back. Yep. Just what I need.
• Realized my headlight is out and, of course, the kind of headlight the van has can't just be popped out and changed. Nope, too easy.
• Annie seemed stuck in a tantrum cycle today. She spent her nap time working on a dirty diaper (she's stopped up again) and then fell asleep on the way to pick Dasha up at 4:00. She then decided to try her hand at controlling her bed time and went bananas when I put her down. She started asking for anyone and everyone. She eventually settled on, "Wanna go to Daddy's house," when she realized that she'd pushed my button big time!

Under my feet and over my head:

• A friend's husband fixed Annie's window. Thank you SO much! Annie woke up at 5:30 this morning saying that she could hear the happy bird outside. This doesn't happen when the window is closed! (And, if any of you know that happy little bird, please tell him to shut his little beak until at least 6:30)!
• Dasha had a successful play date with a friend today. They went to Tea Leaves and Thyme and had a tea party, played beauty salon, and went swimming all in one day! She was so happy to have "fit in." (Dasha did tell me that she mentioned to the girl that she had gone to talk to a nice lady about her "anger issues" last night. Oh boy. I just keep waiting to get a phone call from that mom)!
• I do have a job and my paycheck will be direct deposited at midnight tonight! (You'll never know how many financial lessons I've learned this month! If you're husband pays all of the bills, please, take my advice and at least learn what's going on and what the bottom line budget looks like. You just never know...).
• Grant is headed to my sister's house in Tampa for a visit. He says he's looking forward to hanging out in the pool alone but I think he's dreaming about holding her newborn for hours! He's a true baby whisperer!

Yesterday, I was completely numb. I was afraid to let the anesthesia wear off for fear of losing control in utter pain. This morning, when Annie started jabbering at 5:30, my very first thought was, "I wonder what happens when moms run away? Where do they go? What happens to the kids?" Great way to start the day, huh? I drug Annie into bed with me and Netflixed her favorite Dora show in hopes that she'd sit quietly for another 30 minutes. There's just something SO different about getting up at 6:00 than there is 5:00. Getting up at 5:59 pisses me off more than rolling out of bed at 6:01. I think it's just logistics but, who cares, that's just me! As Annie sang, "I'm the map, I'm the map..." and jumped on the bed next to me, I just thought, "Well, I know where daddies go when they run away!" and I seriously started thinking through options of places I could go just to escape. I didn't say that I was being realistic - heck, remember that it was only about 5:45 at this point! Anyway, I did manage to stay in my bed until 6:05 (really only about 5:55 but I set my clock fast to trick myself - duh - then I lay there and argue with myself about what time it really is)! After that, it was all downhill! I was seriously afraid to get up for fear of unleashing a torrent of tears or some other weird phenomenon that happens when you go to bed with too many emotions trapped inside.

However, as my thoughts cycled in parallel cycles with Annie's tantrums, I started thinking about when my Grandma had knee-replacement surgery. Afterward, she could either endure the pain in order to regain the use of her knee or stay doped up on the pain meds and become quite useless since her knee wouldn't work properly. She ended up having professional help in the form of a physical therapist to help her work through the pain and regain the full use of her knee and have even more mobility than she did to start with.

That's where I'm at. I'd like to just stay numb to avoid the hurt. However, there's no forward movement in that. At this point, forward movement hurts like heck! I won't lie. I'm overwhelmed on a daily basis with what the future looks like and the loneliness I feel. Most days, there are a least a couple of bouts of tears over stupid things. Grant is growing very weary of my outbursts despite my efforts to keep my emotions in check while the kids are around. I could resort to some destructive habits like many others do to ease the pain but that would render me pretty useless. However, I've sought out some professional help and have decided that I'm just going to keep pushing through the pain and hopefully be able to find healing and be "new and improved" when this chapter of my story ends. I can't even imagine what healing looks like and how long that might take but I'm no good to anyone in a numbed state. (I would like to reserve a few days worth of numbness, though, for those exceptionally hard days)!