Blind, Deaf, and Polka Totted

I promise that I'm not hiding. If I was, I could guarantee you that you wouldn't be able to find me and I sure wouldn't be posting! It has been an excruciatingly long week. My sister and her little man have been here so we've been hanging out with them in the afternoons. That's great but I haven't gotten laundry done or any of those other dreadful routine chores that I hate to do anyway. To top it off, Annie has decided to take option B for sleep this week. Although I never got the instruction manual, option B seems to be NONE OF THE ABOVE! She's gotten up at least three times every night and just wants to cuddle and then go back to sleep. While she's zooming back to nighty night land, my brain gets stuck in the ON position and I'm awake for hours. Ugh. I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday.

Despite my exhaustion, the drama has been pretty low on the "A Night in Jail Sounds Good" scale. I think the worst of things was the notice that Dasha had failed her vision and hearing screening at school and needed to be rechecked by a "professional." Um. Does anyone remember my trips to the eye specialists, the mega-dollar glasses, and questions about the costs associated with a seeing eye dog? She was at the eye doctor in July and the specialist in August. She just got a new pair of glasses last week, too! Really? Was the eye test chart written in Japanese? As for the hearing, she just had a physical last week and they checked her hearing. She's always had poor hearing due to all of the untreated ear infections she had as an infant but she can pass the tests if she pays attention. Crap. Do I call the school and explain all of the juicy details and give them my excuses for sending a "blind and deaf" child to school? Or, do I just take the form to the doctor's office and let them handle it for a cost of $35? Oh well. If that's as bad as it got this week, I guess I can live with it!

Grant has been on edge all week but has had the sense to stay under my radar for fear of being shot down! He's nervous about his bike ride on Saturday but tries to act like he is just worried about the other boys' actions. Whatever. He's terrified of falling off of that bike and eating a mouthful of Silver Comet dirt in front of the other kids. Remember, he didn't even know how to ride a bike at this time last year! This is all new to him! I'm sure he'll survive (and the other kids will too).

I did enjoy my sister being here. It was fun to get to play with her little guy and then hand him back to her when he got fussy! That must be a little like what grandparents feel like. Today, my sister decided that she would have my van detailed for my birthday. I don't even want to know what it cost! I'm convinced that all five of us could have lived in that van for at least a week on the pretzel crumbs, water bottles, and general crumbage under Annie's car seat. The poor soul that cleaned the van actually pressure washed the mats and then steam cleaned the seats and carpet. That van hasn't been that clean since I bought it five years ago! However, it was definitely a wonderful feeling to drive down the road and have to pull the visor down to protect my eyes from the sun's glare. Usually, the sun couldn't even get through the layer of grime on the windows so we had no need for sunglasses or visors! It was one of those gifts that was completely unexpected but was SO appreciated. Even Annie noticed the clean carpet and said, "Mama! Look! The carpet is not poka totted! It's clean!" I wanted to remind her that it wouldn't be polka dotted if she wouldn't shake her cup of milk in the mornings and let it rain milk! So, somewhere,  there's a car detailing worker going to sleep cursing my van and it's mysterious owner. (I'm sure my sister did NOT claim the van as her own and made sure that the worker knew that she'd never drive such a beast)! :)

Happy almost Friday!

Good night, all!

Crappy Wait Staff, Dancing Divas, and Going Commando (or not)

I promise, I'm doing the best I can. I'm pooped! I pulled out of the driveway at 6:20 this morning and didn't get home until 7:45. I can't even type without having to continually backspace and respell. So, here's another shake down of my day in pictures. Maybe I'll have enough energy and time to actually put some kind of wisdom onto this page soon.

Grant has been working toward a 50 mile bike ride for a scouting badge. After these endurance runs, he walks funny for a few days! :)

He (and my dad) made it 26 miles on the Silver Comet Trail. Whew! He didn't like this trail as much because of (and I quote), "All of those old ladies walking at the speed of backwards make it hard to ride! I'm afraid of knocking one of them down and breaking their hips!" Such wisdom for an 11 year old. My reply to him was simply, "Please don't knock them down. They are older and have much more insurance than we do!" (Think Fried Green Tomatoes)!

And then, there's the morning glory call from Annie! She stands on her stool and waits for her milk and breakfast. I didn't get it ready to go fast enough this morning so she went into pout mode. Hey, I know I'm deficient in the kitchen. This is why I'm not a cook OR a waitress! She did stiff me on the tip! See if she gets service with a smile tomorrow morning!

Annie discovered babies. Believe it or not, this terror is actually very gentle (or she was while she was being eyed by three adults). She LOVES her little cousin and was quite envious of his paci! (We've told her that we need to give her pacis to him since HE is a baby)! Nope. Didn't work.

So, we did the trial class at ballet / tap today. Annie was SO excited! She hung from the windowsill watching the older girls.

When it was her turn, she was a bit intimidated at first and didn't understand being in a group setting AND having to following instructions instead of give them. My blood pressure was rising as I noticed that I could see the cracks of all of the other little girls through their leotards meaning that they were NOT wearing diapers and (hopefully) potty trained. Since there were no Code Yellows (or browns) on the floor, I assume that I am correct. It was Wizard of Oz day at dance so the girls all dressed up like Dorothy, danced over the rainbow (with the disco ball on), and marched around the yellow brick road. It was cute. Now, I just have to decide if I really want to do this every week. Yes, she'd enjoy it but is it really worth the money at this age? Decisions, decisions.

She liked the ballet shoes she borrowed but the tap shoes were the big deal. What two year old wouldn't love shoes that amplify every stomp they make? She acted like a professional tap dancer and kept jumping around. By this part of the lesson, she'd warmed up to the teacher and tried to commandeer her as her own personal dance slave. It worked momentarily until the teacher realized she'd been had! Anyway, she enjoyed it and talked about it for the rest of the night!

There's the daily wrap up. I'm heading to put a load of underwear in the wash so there's no drama tomorrow morning about having to go commando because of my inadequacies as a maid. Geez. I purposed that everyone simply turn their undies inside out or turn the front to the back but Grant was not amused and Dasha didn't get it. AND, of course, Annie could care less. She's more interested in what character is on her panties than what she's put in them or if they're clean! (Anyone have a carpet cleaner)? So, I'm going to bed to collapse. Hopefully, I'll find the time and energy to update my "soul status" before Christmas!

Good night, all.

P.S. - Dasha is still here and intact. She's had an incredible amount of homework (classwork sent home) to finish each night so she's been stuck at the table or at grandma's throughout a good bit of the weekly drama. What am I supposed to do? If I overrule the teacher and tell her to quit and leave it, she goes to school proclaiming in a bratty way that, "My mom said that I don't have to do this!" But, if I let her muddle through it (she didn't do it in class when she was supposed to and sure didn't ask for help), it means that I get to endure a three or four hour homework marathon complete with tears and tantrums (from me).

The Weekend Review - Picture Book Style

Five minutes into our trip and Annie is already looking for an escape.

Get familiar with this photo. It's the only one that they all smiled in so it'll probably be our Christmas card photo since this won't happen again - EVER!

Gave up on the backpack the "leash" was attached to and then Annie decided to hold her own leash. Kind of defeated the purpose but she thought was in charge of someone. (We didn't tell her that it was HER)!

She was mesmerized with the scuba cleaners until one of them waved to her.

This is how the remainder of the trip was spent. Ow. Thirty five pounds of toddler gets heavy! Who cares what Annie thinks! Next time, I'm taking the darn stroller in!

Grant receiving an award at scouts that certifies him to play with fire. Hmmm... Who thought up this award? That's kind of like giving a boy permission to destroy.

You wouldn't know that he'd just himself a little temper tantrum, now, would you? Preteens are like Jekyll and Hyde!

And, this certificate allows him to use an axe, knife, and other sharp objects. Once again, who thought these things up? It HAD to be a man! No mother would ever ok these sorts of rewards!

I got a chuckle out of this one. Every now and then, you see a glimmer of Grant's pride shine through in a positive way. He was so proud of his accomplishments.

So, my internet has been on the fritz so I didn't get anything else posted and I'm done for the night. I took a new vitamin / herb supplement last night about 10:00 only to realize at 2:00 that the bottle clearly said that one of the side effects could be insomnia. Ya think? So, I think I finally drifted off to bed around 3:30 only to have the alarm go off at 5:15. Blah. So, after a night of having to play nice and be social at the scout banquet, I'm toast! Playing nice is really hard work! I'd like to think that I'd get to spend some time posting stuff here tomorrow night but Annie is having her first "ballet" class tomorrow night so I'm sure that will throw everything into a tailspin. I'm losing track of the days of the week simply trying to keep up with everyone's activities! Geez.

So, for tonight, I'll say, "Goodnight." I am heading to bed as a proud mama after watching Grant (trying not to remember his silly temper tantrum which made me wonder if he was really just a 2 year old stuck in an 18 year old's body). Lunches are packed. Clothes are laid out. Laundry is spilling out of the laundry area and down the stairs. Annie left banana bread crumbs all over the counter and kitchen floor but I'm convinced they'll be much easier to sweep up after they lay there all night and get stale (or a caravan of ants comes to have a midnight buffet). BUT, by golly, I'm going to sleep! No vitamins tonight and no insomnia. Just sleep.

Good night, all.

M u s t h a v e s l e e......zzzzzzzzzz

No. Not "Must have sleeze." That's not even how you spell it! That kind of sleeze is sleAze! Geez. I'm over here about to drop with exhaustion and I see where your mind is...

Anyway, I'm still alive. I'm just exhausted after a week of intense elbow grease around the house. However, I must say that I'm quite proud of what I've gotten accomplished. The downstairs (minus the powder room with dark green walls infused with dust bunnies) has been revamped, re-curtained, re-decorated, and basically is now all mine. It looks like I want it to. (Oh, minus the hand-me-down couch with the nice blue and yellow country checks. Gag. But, hey, they were clean and free when my parents upgraded)! I'll post pictures tomorrow. I've spent less than $75 cash for everything so that diva on HGTV who claims she can Design on a Dime doesn't have anything on me!

Beyond that, things have been pretty quite. I did watch another birthday pass by. There wasn't much fanfare this year but that was ok. I had a pretty serious case of the "mind storms" on my big day so quiet was a good thing. We also "celebrated" the one year mark since my dad's stroke. It's hard to believe that whole ordeal was only a year ago. Heck, I just can't believe how much has happened in the last year. With every Christmas card I write, I talk about what "season" of my life it is. Well, I'd like to tell you that the "season" for the last year has been Hell but there have been some very good things that have come out of those dark clouds. I've learned a LOT.

Anyway, I have quite a blog entry going on my private site and I think by tomorrow I'll be ready to pull it here to the billboard of my life. As I said, I've dealt with some pretty heavy feelings this week and I try not to spew those recklessly (think projectile vomiting). It's amazing how much I've changed in 5 months. Wow.

So, as for tomorrow, we're headed to the aquarium with Dasha's special needs group. This time last week, my plan had been to stash Annie in the stroller and hope that Dasha wouldn't need me to carry her out. She's really having a hard time but she throws a royal tantrum when we talk about stretching her legs. Her physical therapist even went so far as to tell her that if she continued to ignore the needs of her legs that she'd end up having to have another surgery. Dasha says she doesn't remember the first one so I'm not sure if it even registered with her. I'm lost with how to handle her. (This loss doesn't even begin to cover her attempt to steal M&Ms from Publix this week or the discovery of her love letters to Grant's teachers - yes, she'd already delivered a few without us knowing). Anyway, back to tomorrow. When Annie saw me put the stroller in the back of the van this afternoon in preparation for tomorrow, she went nuts! She sat down in the drive way and wailed, "I not ride in stroller. I walk! I hold Gant's hand!" Blah. So, without further ado, I dug through the newly organized boxes in the garage and found just what I was looking for - a leash. Yep. I found one at TJ Maxx several months ago for less than $5 and I got it just for an occasion like this. Oh crap! I guess I should clarify! When I say "leash," I mean one of those things that is designed to tether a child to a parent. Not a real dog leash. Although, I might need those for Grant and Dasha. Anyway, I'm surprised that I'm really going to use that thing! I've always been SO judgmental of parents who "treat their kids like dogs." That was all before Annie came along. I figure that I can endure her wails throughout the aquarium tomorrow about wanting to walk and then trying to juggle Annie and Dasha with Grant getting completely frazzled and embarrassed OR I can simply leash the girl up! We'll see how it goes. For all I know, she might just unsnap the dumb thing and take off. If you hear that a small child disappeared at the aquarium and showed up in the sea otter enclosure, you don't even need to think twice. I'm sure it will be Annie. (Now, if you hear about a child ending up as shark bait, that might be one of the big kids or me).

I'm heading to bed to collapse. I was waiting up for Grant to get home from the Monster Truck race but I guess he and dad are being really wild and crazy and staying out past 10:00! Oh well. He'll just be a major pain in the butt to drag out of bed in the morning (especially with his 26 mile bike ride this morning - he may be walking funny too)!

So, tomorrow, I'll try to revisit my emotional spewage and repost here so you'll have a bigger picture of what's going on in my cyclonic head. I can tell you that the clouds are beginning to clear although fog frequently sets in. (Anyone else hearing strains of Bob Marley singing, "I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun shiny day)? For tonight, though, the only thing I "see" is Mr. Sandman sandblasting my eyeballs shut!

For now,
Good night, all.

Fabric Houses, RTV Compound, and the Spin Cycle

Welcome to Tuesday! I thought I'd be proactive this morning and get all of my errands done before lunch time. That way, I wouldn't have any excuse to bolt from the house when it was time to clean the garage. So, I left the big kids asleep and took the little monkey with me. I enjoy time alone with Annie. Although her constant talking can cause my ears to bleed, I can just never anticipate what's going to spill out of her mouth!

My first stop was WalMart. I needed some thread to finish sewing a dress. Of course, WalMart didn't have anything even close to the color I needed. Crap. That leaves me with driving toward the mall to Hobby Lobby or Joann's. I hadn't anticipated taking Annie into either one of those stores. Oh well. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I sorted through my coupon envelope and realized I had a 40% off coupon at Hobby Lobby so I headed there. While trying to find the right color of thread, Annie spontaneously started playing house in the fabric section. She walked in between each rack of fabric and named off what room it was. She said the area between the two racks of baby fabrics was for her cousin Anderson. I asked her where my room was and she quickly pointed away from the fabric section down toward the seasonal area and said, "You can just go over there." Nice. I'll remember that when she wants to crash in my bed tomorrow! Anyway, she chose her "room" and quickly laid down on the bottom section of the rack and said, "Night, night. I need a get some rest so I'm not fussy." I left her there and finished looking for my thread. Don't panic. I could see her and she could see me. But, as I guessed, her "nap" didn't last too long. She popped up and said, "Good morning. I so glad to see you!" (That's what Fatima tells her when I drop her off each morning). So, my quick thread run turned into about 30 minutes of playing house in the fabric section. At first, I was antsy and ready to get out of that place (I'm sure that feeling is still related to my van flooding in the parking lot) but I quickly realized that I'll never be able to recapture the moments of playing house with her between the bolts of fabric. So, I joined her. We got weird looks from a few customers but most of the patrons in that section were older ladies who recognized the moment for what it was and ask Annie if they could look in her room or where the kitchen was. Annie had declared the area with the novelty fabrics which had some with coffee mugs and others with cherries as the kitchen. Duh!

Wanna know the crappy part of the whole story? When I finally convinced Annie to leave her house, I'd picked up a coloring book (yeah, you got me, I bribed her out of the store with a coloring book - like you've never had to do that to avoid an all out melee) and I completely forgot to get my thread. I put it down at some point and just never picked it back up again. I started to turn around and go back but I decided that I'd just roll that task over to tomorrow.

When I got home, the big kids were both out back playing in the sand. Honestly! Sand, crayons, and Legos are the only toys in this house that transcend all age groups.

I put Annie down for a nap and conked out, too. Playing house was just too intense for me (coupled with not going to bed until after 2:00 a.m. the last two nights).

However, there was no escaping the garage after nap time. It's been haunting me for weeks now and I'd like to think that I just wasn't emotionally ready to dig through everything that's been piled out there but I think the bigger excuse was that the job was just too big and I didn't want to start it! So, with the girls stationed in the drive way around a bucket of sand and Grant standing by looking like I'd ask him to go to a tea party, we started moving boxes out of the garage. Heck. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. Most of the boxes that had to be opened and examined were ones that were packed two years ago in anticipation of moving to Lubbock. They were shipped to a storage building in Lubbock and then when things went south last October, they were brought back to Georgia. Like I said, the majority of the boxes were full of books. We have enough books to start our own library. It would be pretty heavy on military fiction and non-fiction, parenting books, grad school books that I never tried to sell back (need to try to find a place to do that), and enough children's books to fill up a school's library. Nothing sentimental other than a few titles that were nothing more than ironic which dealt with marriage or family. After putting all of Grant's camping gear in one area, the books in another, and mounding up the Christmas decorations which need a new box, there were only a few boxes left. One box simply said, "Ansley, Kids Pictures, Kids Stuff." I was wearing down physically (this was nearly 4 hours into the job) and I just didn't think I could stomach it so I stashed it to the side. I'll open that one another day. The other "box" that was haunting me was my cedar hope chest filled with my wedding stuff. I opened the lid just to "smell the cedar" but the memories came seeping out and just about unraveled me. I picked up one old letter from the top of the chest and scanned through it. The last phrases that were written on the letter were just simply too ironic. (I'm using that word instead of saying that the words were hurtful because at the time they were written, they were precious). I swear there are some times when I think there's something inside of me that wants me to crawl into a hole and have a pity party. Why in the world did I even open up the chest? If that wasn't stupid enough, why would I pick up a letter? Dumb, dumb, dumb. Maybe it's just emotions. Who knows. I managed to close the chest up like Ghostbusters trapping a ghost in their little metal box and finish up the job.

Or, I thought I finished it up. As I swept out the few remaining areas of floor space, I swept a package of RTV compound out from under a shelf. Yep. That was the breaking point. Not the books, not the pictures, the RTV compound. (If you don't know what RTV is, it's something like silicone that you use to "glue" junk together - especially cars). The RTV didn't remind me specifically of Eric. It reminded me of the security of having someone on hand to help take care of things when they break or blow up. You just never know what a comfort that is until it's gone. He'd used the RTV to patch a crack in my oil pan. If that happened today, I'd either have to ask Dad to help fix it or go pay mega bucks to have a "professional" do it. These are the kind of grenades that blow up in your face that you didn't see coming. There's absolutely no sentimental value in that stupid package of RTV (now in the garbage) but it just represents a comfort and security that I sorely miss.

After the garage was cleaned and pictures of the crap I need to get rid of were taken for Craig's List, the kids and I grabbed a $5 pizza for dinner. If you're in the Towne Lake area, you need to try Pizza Pilot. You can get $5 pizzas for pick up and they are way better than Little Ceasars. Ugh.

I had one final project on my list for today. I've been looking at a blank wall in my dining room since repainting and trying to figure out what to do there. I saw a really neat picture of a room where some decorative person had hung these beautiful plates with fancy ribbon from a curtain rod. I finally figured out where to buy those beautiful plates and I quickly realized that they just weren't THAT beautiful! However, I didn't dismiss the idea from my mind completely. Then, when I was in Old Time Pottery on Sunday, I saw these neat metal stars. They were painted a horrid reddish-orange color but you can change just about anything with Krylon! So, I bought a few of the stars and repainted them. (Pretty sad that the spray paint cost more than the silly stars). Then, I disassembled the curtains in my bedroom and transplanted the rod into the dining room. This is what I ended up with. I must say that I like it. I put some of those silly little touch lights behind the stars and it just gives it a magical glow. You can't tell that from the picture, though. I'm still working on the bows for the stars. I may have to enlist help from a bow-making friend at school. I'm used to tying shoes and hair ribbons. NOT making picture perfect package bows. Anyway, it's a work in progress but it's something that I wanted to do and, by golly, I figured out a way to make it happen!

So, I'm heading to bed tonight knowing that tomorrow will be a very LONG day! I was stupid and made doctor's well-check appointments for BOTH girls for tomorrow morning. Both girls have to have shots. Dasha seems nearly immune to pain so the shot won't bother her but I have some definite questions I'd like to ask the doctor about this whole "transition to be a woman" crap (like should I be worried that Dasha's boobs are still VERY different sizes) and I'm not sure how to tactfully ask those questions with both girls there. Maybe I should write the questions down and have the doctor call me. Anyway, then, Dasha has an appointment to get her new braces tomorrow afternoon. The appointment itself is not dramatic. It's getting her to wear those braces that becomes the struggle. The braces (orthotics) for her shoes aren't that bad but the night splints / braces are the ones that she sneaks off in the middle of the night. Blah. Anyway, back to the well-check appointments. Why do they ask stupid questions on these questionnaires that force you to lie? For example, "Does your child use a pacifier?" If I say, "Yes," I'm setting myself up for a lecture. I know it's a bad habit. I know it'll only get harder to get rid of. I know it's screwing up her teeth and her speech. BUT, is the doctor willing to come put her to bed at night without it? That's what I thought! Another question says, "How much television does your child watch each day?" My answer should be, "It depends on mom's mental stability as to how much she watches!" I do love my pediatrician but sometimes, in their plight to make everyone do everything according to Academy of Pediatrics recommendations, they lose sight of real life!

Anyway, time for one more load of laundry and bed. I'm determined to actually fall asleep before 2:00 tonight! I've just had a hard time turning off the washing machine of thoughts in my head. Currently, I've got it set to spin cycle so I hope it won't get off balance and just stop mid-cycle. I NEED SLEEP before tomorrow's fun begins!

Good night, all!

Satan's Goats, Dead Man Walking, and Strength

Come here, little fellow. I won't hurt you. (The little goat literally butted her. He knew better)!

I'm hoping that this isn't foreshadowing.

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. NOT! These things were so food motivated that they'd knock you down!

"Again? Again? Mama, I wanna ride again. I ride a horsey to town!"

Isn't he cute? (About the time she said this, he started chewing on the string to her jacket).

Annie wasn't bothered by the goats that kept piling on her.

Dasha, on the other hand, thought it was a little overwhelming!

While the mini goats distracted her, the billy goat on the other side of the fence ate her hair. Oops.

Both girls agreed that they'd ask Santa for a horse like this. Um, NO!

These things were just weird. They were incredibly soft but looked like someone glued the wrong head to their body!

So, while Grant was off camping and wrangling younger scouts (ha-ha-ha, I knew payback would come one day), the girls and I headed off to the farm. We spent several hours there - most in the mini goat pen. If you didn't know, I HATE goats! I truly believe they are very closely related to Satan! They have weird rectangle pupils and nibble you with germ infested tongues. Uck! However, the girls both loved the miniatures and I felt like I could easily drop kick one of the little munchkins if they got too aggressive. (I seriously dislike goats. Goats and owls)!

Anyway, the girls had fun and I managed to get both girls to take a 2 1/2 hour nap afterwards and I was able to get the house on a path toward cleanliness. Despite my new job charts and ideas about organization, it's just hard to get it right during the week and it takes me all weekend to get things ready to go again on Monday. Blah.

Sunday morning, I admit that I just didn't roll out of bed in time to get everyone up and dressed for church. For some odd reason, Annie slept until 7:00 and then snuggled into my bed with me until nearly 8:30. That's never happened before. I'm terrified that she's getting sick or an alien has taken over her body. Anyway, upon accepting that I wasn't going to make it to church on time, I started trying to reschedule my day. I've been looking high and low for an area rug for the living room. With the new floors down, it's very cold and hard. (Duh, it's a floor). However, I was not prepared for what a rug costs! So, this morning, with both girls in tow, we went to Garden Ridge, Old Time Pottery, and two Big Lots in less than two hours. No luck. I came home and searched overstock.com and did find something reasonably close to what I want and what I can afford. It's sitting in the "cart" waiting for me to make a decision. Ugh. It's a freaking rug! It's not even handmade or one of a kind. It's a R U G! I just need something cushy on the floor so Annie will stop slipping and busting her butt and I will avoid the inevitable fall, as well.

Beyond that, today was quiet. I did manage to make a quick run to Joann's. I absolutely admit that I have a fabric addiction. I could wander around the store and dream up uses for every single piece that I find. Today, I only left with a total of 2 yards. I got two different Halloweenish fabrics to make Annie a skirt out of and a cute fish pattern to make her a dress to wear to the aquarium next weekend. We'll see if all of that actually happens!

So, as I'm wrapping things up for the night, I'm listening to Grant stomping around upstairs. He was none too happy that I insisted that he empty his camping gear and put it away TONIGHT upon arriving home! Last time, I ended up discovering some of his homemade MREs which had molded themselves together. I think it was cheese and summer sausage with grapes. Gross. I had to toss the containers. I was afraid to open them without a Hazmat suit. Anyway, he just came and flashed a ziplock bag at me and told me he was going to put it outside in the garbage can. I didn't ask him why he couldn't put it in the kitchen garbage but he eventually made it crystal clear why he didn't! He said the boys hadn't been able to "bury" their toilet paper at the camp site this weekend and they had to put it into a baggie. Are you kidding me? This is why I don't have any desire to camp with these nutzos! He then went on to tell me about a game called Dead Man Walking that they play that's sort of like (and I quote) "hide and seek on crack." He said that you wait until it's pitch dark and then the boys scatter about in the woods and try to find each other. Stupid me, I asked, "Don't you use your headlamp?" The look I got could have silenced and entire football stadium of fans. I was schooled on the basics of the game at that point. Basically, he and the other older scouts were able to stay hidden in the woods due to their "skills" and the other younger scouts all found each other. I started to ask Grant if he wanted to go play this game in the backyard knowing that I'd be the oldest and I could simply come back into the house and lock him out. What a stupid game! When I'm in charge of a bunch of kids, my ultimate goal is to NOT have them scatter into the darkness but, heck, what do I know? (He's also complaining that his ankle hurts from falling down an embankment in the dark while playing this game. Duh! If he broke it, he can get out his scout book and read up on how to make himself a splint)!

So, tomorrow, my day will consist of getting Dasha to two doctor's appointments and trying to finish up laundry and beginning the job of cleaning out the garage. I've given myself a very stern warning that the garage must be clean before Friday. (Don't worry, I didn't scare myself too bad, though). I bought several plastic tubs to stash items in that stir up emotions. I'll just put those to the side and deal with them as time allows. Now, I know myself well enough that the buckets I bought were pretty small. Me and my smart arse would try to say that everything out there brought back memories - including the caulk gun and the box of nails.

As for my own emotional state, I had quite a breakthrough yesterday as I headed out to rug hunt (trip #1) alone. Instead of pulling up a playlist, I just set my phone to "music" and "shuffle." Of course, the first several songs were complete lovey dovey mushy songs that I deleted from my playlists but not from my main library. I suddenly realized, though, that I was able to make it through the songs, and even sing along, without getting all weepy. The images and feelings that the songs used to conjure up no longer haunt me. It was like someone had deleted the album covers from the iTunes account. It did sting a bit that there really weren't any memories popping up -just nothingness- but, at the same time, I suppose it's a milestone of moving on. I guess I thought that it would take longer to flush 20 years of memories out. (Not to say that all of those flushed memories won't come surging back up from the sewer tomorrow along with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)!

Anyway, as I continued to look back over the last five months and then the last year, the title for the book I'm working on finally came to me. Stumbling Into Strength. It's what I've done. I didn't go looking for strength. I had been content relying on the strength of others. However, I've had to "cowboy up" and look up. On more than one occasion, I've found myself hiding under rocks and trying to run backwards but as I continue on this path which is filled with ruts, pot holes, and booby traps (church giggles, again), I've found the ability to rely on an inner strength that I never really knew was there. Yeah, that strength has seen me through some pretty crappy chapters in my life but I'd never tried to nurture that strength or even acknowledge it. For now, in the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that!"

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

Good night, all.

69, Watching the Oars Float Downstream, and Evidence of Change

More rambling thoughts from today...

• "Mom, what is so funny about the number 69?" As I pulled up to the traffic light, I pounded out an SOS text to Eric to make sure he answered that one for Grant.
• Echocardiograms must lead to at least 50 cases of broken ribs every year. I understand the importance but, dang, I feel like I took a beating.
• Dasha has learned the art of making me feel like I'm stupid. Remember the book report drama from last week? Yeah. We're back in the same boat watching the oars float downstream. She has a test over a book tomorrow. I'd been asking her all week what "test" meant where it was written in her agenda. She was supposed to finish a chapter book to take a test on tomorrow. Has she finished? Nope. However, a small miracle must have just occured upstairs because she just alerted me to the fact that she'd finished a 200 page book in under 40 minutes. Hmmmm.... So, she's going to fail the test tomorrow and get assigned another book report. I keep waiting for some little evil character to pop out of the file cabinet singing, "Second verse, same as the first! I'm Henry the Eighth I am...." I've also felt a bit like Bill Murray waking up hearing "I've Got You Babe" in Groundhog Day. Crap.
• Then, Grant has a writing assignment due tomorrow. He's played the Eddie Haskel role all week when I've asked him about the assignment. He made it sound like he had it nailed. Then, he suddenly had a rubric which needed to be signed to be turned in with this award winning paper. I read it. It reminded me of the Aldi toilet paper. Grant is a very capable writer and I wasn't hoping for some prize winning piece. I was just looking for a coherent story with a plot I could follow and sentences I could read. I got neither. So, I told him that I'd sign the stupid rubric (I can't remember the exact words I used but I don't think they were PG) but I'd be emailing his teacher to let her know that I didn't approve of his writing but that I simply saw it. Now, he's stomping in his room. I keep waiting for chunks of the ceiling plaster to chip off on my head. Basically, he has a few more minutes to get his act together or he won't go camping this weekend. If you want the honest truth, here's how my speech to him would have sounded if I was completely truthful. "Grant, because I won't allow you to turn in crap, I'm holding you accountable for turning in reasonable work. If you don't do that, you can't go camping which means that I'm punishing myself, too!" Anyway, I'm SO done with homework.
• Oh, here's the funniest (scariest) thing of the entire day. Dasha was still coughing last night and this morning. So, I gave her cough medicine at 6:30 a.m. At 8:00, she went to see the nurse (knowing darn well that I'd already given her meds) who also gave her cough medicine. At 9:00, her reading teacher sends me an email telling me that Dasha seems to be sort of spacey and "out of it." Ya think? Duh! They are lucky she was still sitting up right! I'm pretty pissed about the whole situation but I know the nurse thought she was acting on Dasha's behalf and she doesn't know that Dasha would stand there and let her over dose her. Tomorrow morning, I do believe that I'll be passing out shot glasses filled with Nyquil to this entire house! Maybe it will make me numb to the drive to school and keep the kids quiet. (For those of you with DFACS on speed dial, I'm just kidding. I'd never give Annie a whole shot glass of Nyquil)!
• But, on this life journey I'm on which is filled with pot holes, booby traps (I get the church giggles every time I say that), and other monsters that pop of seeming nothingness, I'm holding it together. Despite a tense doctor's appointment and the homework drama, I made it through without completely losing control. I can definitely look back over the last six months and see the strength I've gained. A friend mentioned to me the other day how much I've changed. I guess I can't really "see" it since I'm right smack in the middle of the crap every day but when I steal a moment to get quiet and still, I can see the evidence of those changes and they aren't all bad. 

"What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
~Laura Story

I just wish someone had told me about the masqurade so I could have been better prepared!

Good night, all!

Snorting Smarties and Faceless G.I. Joes

Random thoughts for Thursday...

• I'm convinced that getting 3 children out of the house by 6:20 is impossible without making someone cry.
• Teaching as a profession has become more about butt kissing, teaching to a test, and making sure that everyone thinks that everything is just rosy. One of these days, that inevitable thing called REALITY is going to slap some of these folks across the face and they are going to wish that they'd seen the writing on the wall when their children were still malleable. As for now, I'm a nurse, waitress, statistician (one that needs to know how to skew data in many directions for many reasons), custodian, mama, teacher, and hopefully a miracle worker for a classroom full of students. It's no wonder the education system is such a train wreck. It's the darnedest thing! If teachers have to spend every moment trying to wade through red-tape and guess what the ever-changing rules are, they just can't TEACH!
• Grant's "know-it-all" attitude is bugging me. I told him that I'd pick him up in car line today because he had a music lesson. Nope. Dasha tried to tell him, too. I'd written everything down in HER agenda but he said it's too embarrassing for me to write it in his. Well, tomorrow, I'm thinking about using Sharpie to write it on his forehead. We'll see how embarrassing that is! I pulled up to pick them up and one of the SPED teachers was standing with a very distraught Dasha. Dasha just didn't understand why Grant wouldn't listen to her or even look at where I'd written the instructions in her agenda. Blah!

•  Waiting at my school for an extra 40 minutes with the girls while waiting for Grant to show up proved to be nothing short of exhausting.
• I know I'm naive but I can't figure out if Grant is being serious about kids smushing up Smarties during lunch and snorting them. I can definitely see it happening in my mind but I don't want to believe it and I sure don't want to think that Grant finds it amusing.
• How is it that I don't have enough time during the instructional day to cover all of the standards I need to cover but Grant doesn't do a blasted thing at school? Today, he had "free time" for math period, and "free read" time during reading. He played badminton during PE and didn't do anything in SS because the teacher was dealing with a rogue student. When are they actually going to learn something (other than how to snort Smarties)?

• After a drama-free music lesson, Grant decided to use fingernail polish remover on his G.I. Joes to remove the Sharpie "blood" he'd spattered on them over the last few years. He didn't realize that finger nail polish remover would also take the paint off of the Joes, as well. Duh! To top it off, he poured the entire bottle of remover into a good bowl. Can you imagine what my bathroom smells like right now? If I don't make it into work tomorrow morning, someone might want to check on me. The acetone smell might have done me in during the night! Ugh
• I have to admit that most days, I'm pretty proud of the emotional damage I can take without flinching too much. I don't think I'm really becoming callused but I think some of the deeper wounds are healing nicely and can withstand a bit more poking. After receiving a tax bill in the mail with several digits in it and a note about where to remit payment to, I probably would have crumbled a few months ago. I didn't even lose my cool tonight, though. I was happy to learn that this sort of bill is already accounted for in my mortgage but, who knew? I sure didn't! Whew! There were some other bullets that came whizzing past me today, too, but I was able to watch them and then move on. Now, I was absolutely aware of the fact that those bullets were zipping very close to me but I maintained complete control (and no one was injured)! :)
• I'm looking forward to my break next week and I've got quite a "to do" list but I do plan on doing some fun things with the kids, too. Grant has a camping trip this weekend so it'll just me and the girls. I'm not sure what kind of mischief we can get into but I'm sure we'll figure something out!

Good night, all.

TP and Clean Monkeys

Once again, I find myself speed blogging. Here's the dirt from today...

• 5:15 a.m. - Cat decides to crawl under the covers to get warm but gets distracted by my feet and decides to attack. It wasn't pretty. Attack cat trapped under the covers with my feet. Instinct tells me to move my feet and get them out of the way. The cat's instincts obviously tell her to attack whatever is moving. It took me way too long to untuck the covers and kick (oh, I mean lovingly nudge) the cat from under the covers! I decided to go ahead and get up.
• 6:15 I got everyone ready to go. I had a Martha Stewart moment last night and threw some stuff in the crock-pot for breakfast so I really thought I'd covered every base possible that could become a potential hazard this morning. I got the girls into the car with their breakfasts but Grant streaked back in the house moaning and fussing. Perfect. I thought he was having intestinal issues but he had just realized that he'd forgotten to grab his supplies for band including a $40 mouthpiece. After a few moments, I went back inside after him. (Yep, I left both girls unattended in a running van. At that point, I should have realized that my sanity was already waning)! I ran upstairs and tried to help Grant find the mouthpiece to no avail. I believe my words to him were, "Oh well. I guess you'd better just take your punishment like a man!" Real loving, huh? I convinced him that we weren't going to spend any more time looking and needed to leave.
• 6:35 I pull into the sitter's drive way and unbuckle Annie. I'd bought her some new Play-Doh to "share" with the other kids and she was so excited that she insisted on carrying it. No! No! No! Big fail again! About three or four steps away from the van, she face planted onto the cement. If anyone had been sleeping in a two mile radius of the sitter's house, they were definitely rudely awakened! I handed her off to the sitter and fled the scene!
• 7:55 For some mysterious reason, I've lost all sense of time. Instead of taking my kids to gym today, I took them to art. Having to back track with a group of 30 kids eats up quite a bit of time so I was left with only moments of a planning period.
• 1:00 Office calls to let me know that Dasha is sick at school. She was coughing and threw up. I asked if she was well enough to stick it out until the end of the day. The nurse said she thought that it would be fine since she didn't have a fever.
• 1:45 Office calls again and asks me to call the middle school. Nice. Taking a phone call when you're in charge of 20 kids isn't that easy. I found someone to cover my class for me for a few minutes and returned the call. Ugh. Dasha had coughed so hard that she'd thrown up again AND wet her pants. (OK, this happens to me regularly even when I'm not sick so I couldn't be upset). I told the nurse that I'd head over to pick her up as soon as I released my students at 2:10. I got my things ready to go and headed out when the students left.
• 2:20 I'm stuck in car line and can't leave Little River. Because of where I park to get Dasha into the building, the car line snakes right behind the van and blocks me in. This isn't normally a problem but it sure was today. Crud.
• 2:45 I finally picked Dasha up, went to get Annie, and then headed back to wait in car line for Grant. Blah.

So, you can see that it was just all of the little piss ant things that bugged me today. However, when I got home, I put my pjs on and just collapsed. I played with Annie for a bit and then started getting Grant ready for scouts. About the time my dad arrived to pick Grant up, UPS knocked on the door and delivered a huge box.  It was obviously from Amazon. Now, I've been waiting on new checks to come and new glasses that I ordered for Dasha but I was pretty sure that neither of those things would arrive in a box that size. When I opened the box, I found 48 rolls of toilet paper! I laughed so hard that I cried. Honestly, the laughter I received from some jokester sending me TP far outweighed the value of the actual paper. I haven't laughed like that in quite a while. However, Grant is currently hiding the paper as if it was gold. He just doesn't appreciate the industrial sand-paper variety of paper that Aldi's carries!

The contrast to my attitude pre-TP and post-TP made me realize what a curmudgeon I've been lately. I get so focused on everything that needs to get done that I lose sight of what I have and what I have gotten done. It's all relative and I just need to keep it in perspective.

The ending to my night came, though, as Annie read her books after I'd tucked her in and closed her door. She was reading a book with pictures of different babies who all are "messy." Some of the babies have food on their faces, others have paint, and one even has dirt. Then, the last few pages show the babies getting baths. I could hear Annie narrating the story and talking about the different pages over the monitor. Then, when she got to the "all clean" pages, she said, "My daddy gives me a bath. I needa tell him to come home so he can get me all clean." Ok, I managed to avoid having any sort of real emotional hiccup and kept working on cleaning up the kitchen. But, she kept reading. A few moments later, she said, "I just don't know where daddy is. He's not in the 'puter. He's not in the phone. He's in Texas. He come get me and get me clean and say I wuv you monkey." Crap. Crap. Crap. Why is life through a child's eyes always so different? It's so easy, as an adult, to get callused to routines and life in general but children just have tender hearts that don't scab over like ours. At that point, I did go back upstairs and rock her for a while. She didn't say anything else about daddy but my heart just aches wondering what her little mind is thinking about.

So, I'm heading to bed with a heavy heart but a bathroom full of TP! I've drugged Dasha with cough medicine in hopes that she'll sleep soundly and feel better in the morning. I guess I'll have to leave her with Annie's sitter tomorrow if she doesn't feel like going to school. I don't have any sick days to "blow" and since she's not running a fever, she could just watch TV and lounge. I absoutely hate to do that but that is now part of "normal" around here.

Good night, all.

(Oh yeah, Grant didn't have band today AND he found his mouthpiece under his bed. Pointless drama)!

And, after doing a quick proof-read, I realize that I changed tenses about fifty times. Sorry! I don't have energy to fix it but I think you can follow the crumb trail I left.

I Long to Be Irresponsible

Tired. Productive day. Counting down five more days until fall break. Then, a visit from my sister and her little man. I'm looking forward to playing with him and then being able to hand him back when he gets fussy! I'm currently looking for the most obnoxious toy that I can find to buy him as a repayment for all of the things my sister sent my kids over the years which caused massive messes or loud noises. (She always had a thing for loud toys without on / off switches)! Payback will definitely be quite fun!

Very little drama today. Thank goodness! Grant biked over ten miles today and only had one incident with gravity. He'll be really tired and sore tomorrow. Dasha is sick with a nasty cold so I'm trying to keep her loaded on vitamin C and away from everyone else. Annie played Play-Doh all day so she was a happy camper. I'd always banned Play-Doh in the house due to the carpet but now, she can drop as much as she wants on the floor and I can easily pick it up!

As for me, it was one of those days when I had a hard time finding the girl that keeps posting about moving on and being strong. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep. I wasn't too interested in facing the list of things that needed taking care of and I sure wasn't interested in reality. I can absolutely look objectively at the situation, though, and know that this was just a hiccup in my "recovery" and that I can move forward tomorrow. However, today I just wanted someone to sweep in and save the day and let me be irresponsible for a few hours! Being irresponsible in the presence of three kids usually ends in disaster.

Good night, all.

Tigers, Snot, and Revelations

Seriously? There are some days when I just stay on the edge of my seat all day waiting for America's Funniest Home Videos or Candid Camera to pop out from behind a pile of clutter of toys.

Annie decided that instead of the normal version of Reveille this morning as her wake up call, she'd go with something a bit more dramatic. Instead of gradually waking up to her chattering away in her own bed, I was shocked awake by her dumping her sippy cup of water into my bed. If it hadn't been shocking enough to wake up to a Lilliputian standing next to the bed staring at me, being waken up by a crumb-snatcher acting like she's trying to melt the wicked witch was a bit more alarming. Ugh. Yeah. Good morning, world. (She didn't purposely dump her cup but she's learned to squeeze the cups so that the lids pop off and she can drink from them like "big girl" cups).

I managed to crawl around the puddle in the bed and obey the princess' demand for milk. (I made sure I put the milk in a cup that couldn't be squashed open to reveal its contents). Anyway, I left Annie on my bed watching Blue's Clues so I could get a shower. All I wanted was a quick shower. I'd already given up on any luxuries like shaving or conditioner. Heck, I'd even come to terms with the idea that I might not even get to use soap! However, I didn't even get that far. About the time I turned the water on, Annie entered the bathroom. She likes to stand outside the shower door and chat. Usually, I don't know what she's saying so I just, "Uh huh. Really? I didn't know that," to her and she'll finally wander back to the bedroom. Nope. No luck this morning. She started stripping! She decided that she wanted to take a shower WITH me. Ugh. I just wanted three minutes of semi-peace. But without much ado, she slung the door open and jumped in. At first, it seemed to work out ok. She stayed in the corner of the shower and out of the direct flow of water. Then, I heard it. Any mom knows the sound. It's THE grunt. It's not a grunt like a pig. It's a grunt like you'd force out during child birth. Yep. Before my poor brain could even comprehend what was going on, Annie announced, "Mama! I pooped in your shower!" At that point, there was no soap, conditioner, or shaving. It was off of the radar. I carefully lifted Annie around her creation and out of the shower and then got the heck out of Dodge myself. (Yes, I did clean the mess up but Annie stood by and narrated the whole situation which just made me even more aggravated). It wasn't even 8:00 yet and I already felt like simply going back to bed.

However, Dasha had to be dropped off at her play group by 10:00 and I still needed to run to the grocery store to grab her something to take for lunch. So, I pulled the big kids out of their nice toasty beds and got everyone dressed.

I managed to get Dasha where she needed to be and get to Barnes and Noble before their 11:00 story time. I've decided that story tellers at B&N are the ones who drew the short straw at the last department meeting. The girl doing the story today looked like she came out of the cast of L.A. Ink. I kept waiting for Annie to say something Annie-ish like, "Look! She drew on herself with markers. Not good!" But, she didn't. Thank goodness. The storyteller started reading the first book and didn't even hold the book so the kids could see the picture. Annie kept looking between me and the storyteller. I didn't know what to do. I finally asked the girl if we could see the picture. She flashed the picture for about three seconds and moved on. By this point, there were only three families left sitting in the area. And, I've got to say that I was really hoping one of those families would leave! They had a toddler that kept trying to go through my purse and then was climbing all over Annie with a very snotty nose. Ugh. Why don't people think? I don't particularly care for my own snot, much less another kid's snot! Anyway, the storyteller at least had enough survival instinct to know to offer the kids their snack before she started the second book. Annie munched happily on her animal crackers without even looking toward the storyteller. She was definitely over it but stuck with the game to get her food. I was silently counting down the pages until the end of the book when Annie yelled out, "I a tiger! Roar!" It seemed completely random until I realized her animal cracker was in the shape of a tiger. The snotty nosed toddler screamed back at her some indistinguishable war cry and charged at us. I eyed the parents to see if they were watching their little angel turn toward the dark side. Nope. They were both in their own cyber worlds with their cell phones. As the little snot nosed bull came toward us, she ended up tripping over one of the benches. She went face first to the ground and then started howling louder. That scared Annie who started crying, too. The other kid's parents looked at me like I'd thrown their little darling to the ground. I looked toward the storyteller and she was actually smiling at me. Was she smiling because she'd be the first employee to get to witness a baby brawl or was she smiling because she was thinking about inking up the other kid with devil horns? Who knows.

At that point, I took Annie and went looking for Grant. The middle school has a reading program called Reading Counts. The kids have to read books within the program and get passing scores at intervals throughout the year. The tricky part of this is that the kids are assigned reading levels and they can only read books within their levels. Brainy Grant tested out with a Lexile level of something like 1030 which is about a 12th grade reading level. Um. I can't really think of any content appropriate books that I'd like him to read that would be on that level. And, the middle school doesn't have too many book on that level so we've resorted to having to purchase the books ourselves. In order to get Grant out of the store, I had to Google the Lexile levels, then the tests available at the school, and then cross reference to two and find some sort of match on the shelf that had what I'd consider safe content. It was so frustrating. While I was doing this, Annie was crawling up and down the aisle roaring like a tiger.

There comes a time in your life when you just sort of admit defeat in certain areas. Maybe defeat isn't the right word. Maybe it's more like you just finally accept the cards you've been dealt and agree to learn to play the game using those cards. Standing there in the young adult fiction aisle at B&N, I felt like I'd been dealt a hand of UNO cards and got a bunch of Draw Fours and Reverse cards. All I wanted was to go in, listen to a cute little story, enjoy crackers, let Grant get his book, and possibly even reward myself with some Starbucks. I didn't think I was setting the bar too high, but obviously I was.

So, we made it out of the store and headed back home. Dad was finishing up the flooring and still using the circular saw which Annie is terrified of. Every time he uses it, she does that scream and cry like she's truly scared out of her skin. So, I ended up having to rock her to sleep for nap time but when I stated to lay her down, she popped right back up and said that she was scared that the saw would get her. Maybe I'm a sucker. I don't know. I took her and put her in my bed. The sheets were still damp from her cup explosion but I just threw a towel over it and figured she'd never notice.

This is the drama that I muddled through before lunch time. I'm just plain old exhausted and I don't really see much relief in the near future. I accept that this is the new "normal" but how do I balance all of this craziness with the kids with the demands of the house, school, and work? That's not even taking into account the fact that I'd like to have a shower at least once a week. I can't continually rely on my parents to watch the inmates but I can't afford to constantly have sitters coming, either.

I did have one small revelation, though, tonight as I worked on some school things after I'd put Annie down. I needed to create a behavior chart for a student who is really struggling to get work finished and work independently. I decided to make the kids chore charts. In my feeble mind, I figure that if the job assignments are written down, I won't have to continally nag at them to take care of business. I still need to come up with consequences or rewards for completing the tasks each week, though.

We'll see how it goes. Grant wandered into the office as I was printing his chart out and he just about dropped dead. He was definitely not happy but, hopefully, this will set the expectations and boundaries so the kids will know what I expect and, honestly, what I need.

So, now that it's after 1:00 a.m., I'm going to go and get the last load of laundry out of the dryer and fold it and get ready for Annie's ambush in about five hours.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds and trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Peter 1:6-7)

So, I'm heading to bed to sleep in my still slightly damp bed and hope that tomorrow morning, Annie will decided to use the old game plan of simply calling out to me from her bed.

Good night, all.

Middle School or Mental Facility? and Other Things Inquiring Minds Want to Know

OK. So here's the quick version. It has been a very long week!

Here's the slightly expanded version.

I'm not sure who decided to invent this thing called "middle school" but I'd sure like to meet them. I'm quite sure that they didn't have any kids of their own! In some other language, I believe middle school means "holding tank for emotionally unstable preteens." I don't know what goes on at that place but I'm beginning to get some ideas. Every day, Grant tells me about a video he watched. (Today, was a video on space and asteroids wiping out the Earth. I wish I was kidding). Both kids watched a VERY dramatic video of 9-11 today. Grant gained some new insight. That's fine. However, Dasha gained more information that she just doesn't know how to process. I guess many of the kids cried during the footage which piqued her interest. Just moments ago, I passed by the bathroom door where she was getting a bath and heard her say, "So, you are worried about the terrorists and the Twin Towers? I'll write that down. What else are you thinking about?" It's like she was role playing as a psychologist. I didn't know whether to run away screaming or keep standing there listening. (I did the second and she just kept asking her imaginary client questions about their concerns about 9-11. I now know the questions I need to ask her, though)! Anyway, middle school is just too hard for me! I don't know what goes on. I understand even less based on the kids' renditions of their days. Argh!

Grant has been a complete mess all week! He's struggling with which parent to pledge his allegiance to. Everything I've read says that those types of concerns are normal but Grant never does anything in "normal" style. He has to take everything to an extreme! I don't think there has been a single night this week that he hasn't had a tantrum which involved tears and growling. I ended up simply sending him to his room tonight for being disrespectful to me. Maybe that was wrong and maybe I should have stopped by the bathroom to ask Dasha the psychologist about it but I went with my gut. The situation with having two separate parents isn't going to go away for him and we're all going to have to learn to work through and live through the changes. Stomping, huffing, eye rolling, and using a condescending voice aren't allowed (except by me in extreme situations). It's time I take this house back. I've let him get away with SO much for the last six months because I've felt sorry for him but now, I'm seeing that I've created a monster. I thought about calling the flying monkeys that tormented Dorthy and seeing if they wanted to hire him as an intern or seeing if any theaters in the area were doing the story of the three pigs and needed an understudy for the Big Bad Wolf. Yes, I'm being dramatic but I'm just caught off guard by Grant's sudden moodiness, lack of self control, and general attitude of disrespect. Ack!

Dasha has been equally nuts this week. I won't even begin to go into all of it but she is just determined that if things aren't fun or easy, she won't engage. Her grades continue to fall despite everything I try to do to help (which has become less and less as the week drug on). She's back to eating "non-nutritive" items despite the mega-vitamins I give her. And, her legs are getting worse by the day. She doesn't find her stretching exercises to be very fun and often they are uncomfortable so she has meltdowns when I enforce the exercises. One of her legs is so tight that her whole body is now lilting to the left. This coupled with all of the walking she has to do at school is making her back hurt. It's a major domino effect. Where does it stop? What's the last domino? A wheelchair? She does see a physical therapist at school and privately but the school-based therapist is struggling with her, as well. How do you force a 13 year old to physically do what you want them to? Heck, how to I get her to do ANYTHING I want her to do? I've done positive reinforcements, consequences, and even enlisted my parents to dangle carrots but it just doesn't matter. Blech!

Then, there's Annie. For the next publishing of Webster's Dictionary, you'll find a picture of Annie under "D I V A." Here's another monster creation of mine. Her mouth never stops and she has an opinion of EVERYTHING! Tonight, she could hear the marching band at Etowah High School from the living room. (I had the windows open to let in the cool air). She insisted on going outside to "hear them louder." I didn't realize that she thought they were going to march right down our street. Fail number one! When she calmed down, she was intent to hear the drums. I'll have to take the kids to a football game one night. Annie would love the band and I think the big kids would enjoy the game. Anyway, here's part of my conversation with Annie. As you can tell, she requires very little verbal response from me other than the obligatory, "Uh huh. Yes. Really?"

Like I said, it's been a long week. Tomorrow morning, I get to drop Dasha off for 4 hours of respite care. I hate to admit it, but I'm really looking forward to it. It's so hard to find activities to entertain everyone in the house! It's hard for us to even enjoy the same movie together. We can't do any physical activities right now with Dasha so that cuts out a lot of things. Grant doesn't appreciate anything with a hint of a girly flair. And, Annie just isn't old enough to do some things. (Don't tell her that. She wouldn't agree). I don't know what we'll do tomorrow but I'm thinking that Starbuck's Passion Tea and Barnes and Noble would be a good start. I can watch Annie take over the island nation of Sodor while playing with Thomas the train and Grant can wander around looking at books. I don't know.

On the emotional front, I'm holding up. This weekend wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. Eric's friend came with him and Grant met her. I was unbelievably ok with it. The girls haven't really said too much about the visit but it just stirred up Grant's yearning to be with his dad. Grant had decided that he was going to go to TX for September break to be with Eric and then basically told Eric that I'd ok'd the deal. That whole situation unraveled into a big mess but that was after Eric had already gone "home" so that was my Labor Day and Tuesday night drama. (My answer would have been, "No," in the beginning if Grant had bothered to check his flight plan through me. However, the, "No," he ended up getting came with quite a bit of scolding). Anyway, right now, I'm on a pretty level playing field when it comes to accepting that I'm a single mom without a husband. My ups and downs are based on the trials that the kids are throwing my way right now. I've done this coaster long enough to know that all of this could change at a snap of someone's fingers and without good reason but for this moment, I'm going to enjoy thinking that I know what's going on in my emotional world.

So, I'm heading to bed knowing that tomorrow, I'll drop Dasha off and then try to do something mildly entertaining with Grant and Annie, and then get to come home to finish laying the flooring. We still have to finish the foyer. (There was a bit of a speed bump when we found that there was an entire nation of ants living underneath the slab and underneath the door jamb. Termites plus ants. This pest control service is going to get rich off of my critters)! So, it'll be a fun Saturday! Hopefully I'll have enough energy left over to begin cleaning out the garage. I've started the task three or four times only to run across sentimental items and give up. Maybe I just need to go to WalMart and buy the biggest plastic tub I can find and put all of the things that stir up my emotions in the box and throw the lid on so I can deal with them a little at a time. Oh well.

Good night, all.

Getting Dehydrated Peeing Out a Forest Fire

While I am trying in earnest to process my thoughts and feelings and be still and quiet, Annie knows nothing of that sort of activity. On Tuesday, due to a scheduling snafu, I had to pick her up from the sitter's house and detain her in my classroom for a couple of hours. Ha! She pulled all of the kids' stools from under the table and computers and used them to create her own drum set. Her drumsticks? She used markers which she swiped from some poor unsuspecting student's desk!

While this post doesn't really give a window to my soul right now, know that things are bumpy around here right now and it really doesn't have too much to do with this weekend's visit. The older kids have decided to jump off of their own cliffs and unbeknownst to me, they each had one of my legs tied to their bungee cord. In the last 48 hours, Dasha has eaten a pencil, a stick, and some undisclosed item off of the van floor. Grant, on the other hand, has had rolled from one tantrum to another. I can't band-aid their issues quick enough to squelch the leaks and I sure haven't had time to process the marbles rolling around in my head.

Please know that we're all still intact, though, and just trying to muddle through this mess. I haven't given up and I haven't stopped blogging. I do keep a private blog that's become more like a 24 hour holding tank for my really nasty thoughts (yeah, believe it, it can get worse than this) and I've done quite a bit of blogging there - not because I'm full of rage or even forlorn. Waiting is the best word I can put on my life right now. I'm just trying to be still and not act in a rash manner or in any manner that wouldn't uphold my own integrity or pave a solid path for the kids to follow. It sounds so easy when I type it out. But, when you dump the real life participants onto the page and try to make them run the path, it's not so pretty.

Anyway, I do appreciate all of the emails and calls (and my mom was a bit panicked when she started getting the calls, too)! :) I just need some time to sort through everything - especially with Dasha. (She did get a waiver to ride the SPED bus from my school to the middle school. Whew. However, someone made fun of her and she was clueless what was "funny" about the "short bus)."

Once again, thanks for checking in. I'll post more of my guts when I've had a bit of time to let the dust settle and when I don't have two kids still up (10:45) doing homework. Why do teachers think giving busy work for homework assignments is a good idea? Copying 20+ definition from a glossary? Writing a book report on a book that you failed a test on? Duh! She didn't read the book so how the heck are we supposed to do a book report on it in one night? Do these folks have kids of their own or are they simply raising goats or other livestock?

In the words of an unexpected friend, I feel like I'm trying to "pee a forest fire out!" (And, I'm feeling a bit dehydrated! Waiter)?

Good night, all!

The Language of Silence

Sometimes, silence is the only language that can express your feelings. I'm thinking that there's going to be silence for quite a while in my life.

Big Bad Wolves, Flying Monkeys, and Evil Step-mothers

Tomorrow, I will hold my head high. I will not apologize. If this is the road I've been called to travel, then I'll travel it with nothing but integrity and confidence in knowing that I'm doing what's right.

Now, not very far beneath that layer of spunk is the layer that is full of anxiety but I will keep my eyes lifted and keep to the path even if I do feel like Red Riding Hood with the Big Bad Wolf chasing me through the forest!

I'm turning the page and leaving the Wolf behind. (It'll be my luck that the next page of this story book will land me in the direct path of flying monkeys or evil step-mothers).

Good night, all.

Leader of the Crazy Pack Rises to the Top

Ok. Let's just get this straight now, I'm speed blogging. It's 10:27 and I will walk away from this computer no later than 10:45. I have to or I'll find myself face down on the desk in a puddle of drool tomorrow morning!

Dasha has reached her maximum potential for crazy. Her progress report grade for Technology is a 19 because she just didn't want to finish her assignments. She lied to me and told me that a huge chunk of papers was classwork and could be thrown away but it was actually stuff that should have been turned in and is now recorded throughout various classes as zeroes. (This is my fault according to her). To top it off, I got a very concerned email from her case worker at school today telling me that Dasha had been telling her all sorts of things about Eric's visit this weekend. This teacher just wanted to cross-reference Dasha's tales. It's a darn good thing she did because Dasha had told some real whoppers! When I took her to get fitted for her new orthodics this afternoon, she told the guy that I didn't make her stretch her legs any more and that she didn't go to PT because I didn't have money. It took all I had not to knock her off of the table! Sorry, but that's just how I felt. It was like every time her mouth opened, lies spilled out. Now, she has, of course, found that she can get lots of attention when she tells the sad story of her daddy leaving but this has got to stop! (By the way, she does still do PT but not on a regular basis because of her middle school hours and she sees her school-based PT once a week)!!!

So, Dasha was sent to bed at 9:30 still having quite a bit of unfinished homework. I just can't continue the battle. I feel like I've sustained enough damage tonight to be clinging to life by a thread. I admit to giving up and simply waving the white flag when it came to her school work tonight.

Anyway, Dasha has really tried my patience today and I'm just worried that this is a glimpse of what next week will have to hold after Eric leaves again.

While the drama over mean, median, and mode was going on with Dasha, the pest control guy (Mr. Dirt) was here wiping out the termite colony. This meant that I couldn't put Annie to bed because he was drilling into the wall directly beneath her bed and making quite a racket. Argh! At least the little buggers in the walls are dying a slow death right now. Serves them right for snacking on my house! Monday, Mr. Dirt is coming to dig a trench around the house and fill it with some sort of termite barrier. When he said he was going to dig a trench, I wanted to ask him if I could fill it with water and just call it a mote. Then, you'd better believe that I'd be importing some alligators from the Okefenokee for my mote!

Grant has had the good sense to lay low and even conned his grandpa into taking him to the bike park. He's done with the drama for the week and I think he's honestly exhausted from the anticipation, as well. He keeps bringing up the visit and the agenda and making comments about it. I've really tried to keep my pie hole shut but dang, it's so hard!

Annie has been Annie. She is consistently unpredictable and I'm ok with that because I know not to put any bets on her behavior!

So, I'm heading to bed frustrated that I don't have the laundry finished or half of the cleaning that I wanted to get done before this fun fest starts Saturday morning. (Where can I get rid of a bunch of carpet and padding? It's piled on the deck in the back and I sure can't throw it all on the curb for the garbage in the morning)!

Good night, all!