Who you gonna call? NOT Ghost Busters!

I admit that I'm counting down the hours and minutes to the time everyone in this house will be asleep tonight. It's been one of THOSE weekends. Between trying to squash a nasty cold that was trying to take over my body and Annie's poo problems, there was simply too much drama! (On a brighter note, I think I've beaten the cold and the um, shall we say, obstruction that was causing Annie such distress is now free and her plumbing department resembles what's happening with the Mississippi River right now in LA)!

I had one major epiphany this weekend, though. In trying to do some things around the house that Eric has always handled (changing light bulbs, moving furniture, yard work, fixing technology problems), I became more and more frustrated and felt helpless with the whole situation. Who am I going to call to climb to the top of my bathroom ceiling (very high and weird angled ceiling) to change a stupid light bulb? You don't want just anyone trasping through your bedroom and into your bathroom. Who do you call? (And, no, Ghost Busters aren't on the list for this one either, although, they might could've used their ray guns on me to get rid of my attitude monsters). Anyway, I just felt helpless. Who is going to help me get jars unstuck and other stupid trivial things like that? Yeah, it sounds like the only reason I'm lamenting this whole situation is becuase I need someone to help around the house but that's not it. This is just a snapshot of the big picture.

Anyway, as I grew more frustrated, Grant begin trying to take responsibility for everything. He ended up having one of the worst blow outs since this whole thing started! He feels responsible for me despite my pleas for him to simply be 11! However, with this realization, I started to see the damage I'd done in letting my frustrations show. This puts me in a very sticky situation. I'm trying to be very good about communicating clearly and honestly with him and trying to keep my emotions very neutral with him. However, there are just those moments when you need to blow off some steam. Where do you go to do that when there are three sets of eyes watching? After lots of tears and a phone call with Eric, Grant did calm down but I realized that I'd completely zipped up MY emotions again and pushed them back down so they couldn't be seen in order to protect Grant.

(In counseling, they always referred to your emotions as your "bear" and used a stuffed bear as an illustration. You don't have to share your bear with everyone. In fact, you should only share your bear when you feel safe. Well, right now, my bear has been Saran-wrapped, boxed, bagged, tagged, and put on the highest shelf out of reach of everyone).

After thousands of dollars and hours of counseling, the first thing on the list is always about taking care of yourself and your feelings. Hiding emotions (your bear) is NOT part of this process. I'm working so very hard to be successful at this "taking care of yourself" thing and I'm just not good at it. I'm used to putting everyone else's needs (the kids') first. I have a servant's heart but I've turned it into a door mat. That's not what I've been called to do. I've never seen, "Thou shalt be a door mat unto the world," in the Bible. Yeah, I know I should call a sitter or walk outside or do something like that but sometimes, you just need some freedom to lose it and be mad, sad, lonely, and have a full-blown pity party. I don't have that option right now and I'm beginning to feel the effects. The sad thing is that the kids feel it, too. I'm grumpy and have very little patience with them. Annie is at that age where she's naturally annoying and Grant and Dasha, well, I guess they're at that age too. OK, maybe that wasn't a good excuse. I just need a break. I need to be able to walk away and leave the kids with Eric so I don't have to worry about anything and just lose it for a day or two! As I look back, I can see the mounting stress and I know that I have every right to take a break. This drama peaked during CRCT week which is a monster in itself, then I had the initial shock and questions to deal with, then news of a new principal, then a new assistant principal, then end of the year activities, then dealing with a lawyer, scouts activities, Annie's tummy troubles, my own health issues (stress is NOT good for blood sugar), trying to make it through an entire month paying bills and budgeting on my own for the first time in my life, and then just keeping up with the basics of child rearing, house work, and work. Even if I removed one of these stressors, I'd still be a great poster child for Prozac!

Basically, this situation looks like someone threw a stone (ok, a boulder) into the middle of a lake. Yeah, there was a huge splash that majorly disrupted the water immediately around the rock. However, the ripple effect carries out and over everything in the lake. While Eric and I were at the center of the lake with the boulder, the kids are having the ripples wash over them constantly. I'm trying not to sink but I'm trying to protect the kids from the waves, too. Common sense (along with the AirTran stewards) says to save yourself first so you can then help those around you. But, moms don't normally operate like that.

OK - Maybe I've had a bit too much cold medicine tonight. Every other paragraph is an analogy. It sounds like some lower level college psychology paper. Oh well. It is what it is.

(And, to add to my confusion, the message at church this morning has me very perplexed. I grew up in church. I've heard this stuff a million times before. However, Andy's take on today's verses I've filed in the "Things that make me go, 'Huh?' file." You can check the link if you want to help me out but I'm just stumped as to how to make restitution for emotional damage. You can't repay that. This is just another piece of the puzzle that I need to work out.) http://www.northpoint.org/messages/life_apps (part 3)

Now, I'm headed to bed to get ready for a meeting with the new principal tomorrow and the first day of my position as CRCT (remediation) Boot Camp Drill Instructor. Not looking forward to being out of my own classroom but you do what you gotta' do to keep your job these days! I've decided that my first point of business tomorrow morning will be to teach these students to march in time. Hey, isn't that the first note of business in boot camp? Maybe I'll use this cadence,

Birdie birdie in the sky
Dropped some whitewash in my eye.
I won't fuss and I won't cry--
I'm just glad that cows can't fly.

Oh boy. Enough NyQuil for me. (LRE teachers, if you see students marching in formation down the halls tomorrow morning, think nothing of it)!