Conversations with God...

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" (Psalm 139:1-4).

Over the last week, I've had many conversations with God. I don't feel like they've been monologues. I feel like they've been conversations. Although I haven't heard any audible booms calling my name, my heart has felt those gentle quiet reminders of the Holy Spirit through different scriptures and wisdom which has been imparted on me from folks over the last few weeks. Here are a few of the "conversations" I've had.

• Why does my heart still skip a beat when I hear his voice? Am I stupid?
• Why do I keep having dreams and wake up thinking he's right there next to me?
• Why is this happening? Even stupid people can stay married!
  
• Why have the kids all decided that this is their week to reach full tilt and yearn for Daddy in ways that break my heart?
• Why are the kids having to deal with this at all? I'm having a hard enough time dealing with this as an adult. Grant is trying to stay neutral and feels like he has to pick sides. Dasha is still waiting on him to come home and thinks he's just working. Annie said, "Daddy gone gone," today. Who the heck told her that? She didn't just make that up! I want to know who said that to her so I can... ok, no violence.
  
• Why does the HOA want to pick on me right now? Can't they find someone else to bully?
• If we have to separate church and school, why can't we separate politics and school?
• Why is my Dad mowing the grass, edging the yard, and weed eating less than a year after having a stroke? It's not his responsibility and his health can't tolerate it!
  
• Why did someone leave the markers out so Annie could try her hand at being Monet on my newly painted walls?
• Why is Dasha eating sticks, Pop Tart crumbs, and other weird things off the van floor again?
• Why is Grant suddenly so mad at me?

So, those are just a few of the conversation starters I've used over the last week. The answer to almost every single one of those questions was, "Stop looking for a way to explain why such terrible things happen and look for ideas on how to face the future." That's so much easier said than done! However, I'm finally coming to the point of being able to leave it in God's hands and stop trying to micromanage it.

Tonight, I'm too tired to delve any deeper into the depths of my soul. I will simply head for bed with a prayer that the vivid dreams will cease and the childrens' hearts will... help me with this one! Who in their right mind would pray that a child's heart would grow callused but that's kind of what I want to pray. I don't want them to forget. I just want them not to hurt, cry, and call out and for Dasha, I just want her to have some kind of understanding of the whole situation. I'm not sure what words to use as I pray for this but I'm confident that God knows what I mean. Anyway, a week off was good medicine in some ways but in others, it allowed me to sweep ideas and emotions under the proverbial rug that really needed to be swept into a nice neat pile and tossed into the garbage can! Oh well. Maybe I'll clean underneath the rug tomorrow. I think I'll probably need one of those fancy Dyson vacuums to clean up the mess, though! I sure don't want any of this crap escaping the HEPA filtration system and floating around in the air!

Good night.