Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~Laura Story

For some reason, music has always been an outlet for me. Maybe it was all of those years of music lessons. Who knows. However, I do know that there are a few songs out there that just simply stop me in my tracks. This is one of those songs.

After a great day with my students (story telling, pantomime, juggling, fencing, African dance, world music, and no shortage of laughs), I'm pooped tonight.

Speaking of poop, Annie has been constipated for the last several days (I know, TMI) which is now making her not pee. If I don't get her to pee more, it means going for an IV of fluids. I can't do a toddler and an IV after all I went through with Ansley. The sheer thought of having to write Annie's name on a hospital form makes my head spin! And, to do it alone simply makes me nauseous! The sights, smells, and noises are just overwhelming. So, I will get her up every couple of hours to give her liquids (and MiraLax) to try to get things moving again. I thought we'd moved past this after we had a major poopage yesterday but, hey, I guess after a couple of days, one blow-out doesn't solve all of the problems!

With all of my thoughts spinning around "what-ifs" of taking Annie to the hospital, I've thought quite a bit about Ansley's time with us. I so vividly remember living in a fog for the months she was in the hospital. I just did what needed to get done and kept my emotions stuffed up under the zipper in order to make sure everyone got what they needed. However, looking back, I can absolutely see all of the good that came out of Ansley's life, the details surrounding her care, and even our job situations. Like I said, that hind-sight is always 20/20. In the moment, you feel completely blind but once the dust settles, you can see it all so clearly.

I'm hoping that in time, I'll be able to look back over this "season" of my life and say the same things. However, death is such a certain thing. Once it's over, it's over. Once Ansley passed, I didn't worry about having her pop back in our lives. I worked on moving ahead. There is nothing certain about splitting a family apart and the pain seems to resurface every day in a different way. From finding an old photo to finally changing the sheets on the bed that he slept on. Everything has a memory. Yes, Ansley left memories but it was 9 months worth of memories. This has left almost 20 years of memories, 4 children, and a lifetime of dreams, hopes, and philosophies in shards. And, unlike death, there's still daily communication. Watching someone start a new life and build new dreams, hopes, and philosophies is the hardest part of this whole split for all of us.

So, as for the numbers of you who have genuinely said, "I've been there and I understand what you're going through," I say, "No, you don't." Did you marry the only guy you ever held hands with? Did you marry the only guy you ever even dated? Did you marry the only guy you ever kissed? Did you marry your high school sweet heart? Did you have one beautiful child only to watch her disintegrate before your eyes and have to bury her in front of your 3 year old? Have you trusted God for over $20,000.00 to adopt a child from Russia with special needs and then have to come to the full realization of the extent of those needs? My list goes on. So, please don't tell me that you've been through what I'm going through. Yeah, you may have known life was rocky and then gotten side-swiped seemingly out of the blue but that's probably where the similarities end.

Now, back to my night. I get to spend the remainder of the night waking a two-year old up to give her water (or whatever she'll take) and wondering if she'll take enough to unstop her little tummy. The fear of knowing that I might be headed for a hospital visit alone with Annie makes tonight seem to stretch ahead of me in an indefinite holding pattern. I'm sure some of you are picking up the phone right now to tell me that you'd go to the hospital with me but it's not the same. I have to pretend to be the warrior for the outsiders. With him, I could let my guard down and just be real - cry, stomp, laugh, whatever. Nothing is the same right now. (And, honestly, I'm getting tired of being the warrior).

As the song says, "Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" I'm hoping that all of these raindrops, tears, and sleepless nights are going to be my mercies. However, tonight, I'm heading to bed for a few hours simply hoping for a few moments of relief from everything.

Good night

(Oh, and just so you know, Blogger was down last night so I had a legitimate excuse for not posting)! :)