Unzip that zipper!

"Grudge-holding is living in the past. Forgiving is moving forward."

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17-18

Church hasn't been easy for me for the last few weeks. In fact, last week, I just skipped it. My heart has been so raw that I just didn't want to try to wade through all of the muck to try to hear a message and make application or even attempt to worship and let everything end up spilling out right there in the middle of the auditorium! However, my kids actually beg to go to church and get upset when I make up lame excuses not to go. (Annie still thinks church is about cookies, playing in the home-living center, and coloring but she still talks about going all week long)! Anyway, I dodged the bullet last week by saying that we all just needed to sleep in but I knew that wouldn't work again today.

So, I laid out everyone's clothes last night and prepped everything to get ready. I'm still not sure why I can make it out of the house through the week at 6:30 a.m. but struggle to get everyone out by 8:30 on Sunday mornings! It's the strangest phenomenon! Anyway, this morning, things went smoothly with the help of a box of Pop-Tarts as bribery to keep everyone moving along! (Pop-Tarts are normally illegal in the house but Grandma dropped a box off to be helpful - yeah, sugar rushes and non-nutritive breakfast foods are always helpful)! :) But, we pulled into the parking lot in time to get everyone settled into their environments and that left me without an excuse to avoid going into the auditorium.

After walking as slowly as possible and making an unnecessary bathroom stop, I dawdled into the darkened room hoping there wouldn't be any seats left. Nope. No luck there. The usher quickly spotted a seat just for me. I just didn't want to be there. It's not that I'm mad at God or blaming Him for this mess. I've just worked really hard to zip all of these emotions up and usually do pretty good at keeping them all tucked away. Church can be kind of unpredictable, sometimes, though. You never know where the message will land and I was terrified that it would end up landing smack dab in the middle of my zipper that was already bulging and everything would go spewing out.

The band started and the first song was Everlasting God. The lyrics go something like...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I was fine until, "You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak..." Come on now! Did they really need to do that one? I've already told you how weary I am. At that point, I could feel the zipper across my heart pulling more taunt with every verse. Had I been alone in that room, I would have probably just melted into a puddle in the middle of the floor. I would have screamed out all of those unintelligible questions at the ceiling. But that sure wasn't going to happen. I'm uncomfortable when other people cry for some reason and I sure as heck don't like to show emotions in front of others - even in the darkness of the church auditorium with the strobe lights distracting those around me from my actions.

They finally ended the first song and moved into "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone." Ok. I give up. At that point, I knew I was in for a long hour of trying to control my emotions. I'm not sure whether it's the relief of pressure of not having three kids looking to me for their strength or just the simple holiness worship but I gave up trying to hold it in and just let the tears roll. I'm not sure exactly where all of those tears came from but I think I might be dehydrated after that! :)

My point of this rambling mess tonight, is simply that after releasing the zipper from my heart and letting the emotions spill out right there in public, I was able to hear the message for the first time in weeks. Yeah, I'd heard the last few messages Andy had taught but today I was actually able to hear and understand because I wasn't so darn focused on keeping control of my emotions.

We're in the second part of a series called Life Apps at our church. And this week, of course, the "life app" was forgiveness. Really? Come on, now! This is the last thing I want to hear about right now! However, it was no mistake that I'd finally let go of the emotions and actually heard today's message. I felt like I was the only one in the room and Jeff was speaking directly to me! It's those kinds of mornings that reaffirm God's plan for our lives. Although, I have to tell you that I've had some serious doubts over the last few weeks!

I'm going to stop my rambling now and get everything ready to roll out of here at 6:30 in the morning as the kids (and teachers) begin the final count down to the last day of school - although I'm not sure what I'll do when school is out. I love my class and the ladies I work with!

If you have a moment, watch the message from this morning. Even if you aren't a "churchy" kind of person, you'll find the historical elements very interesting and the visitor from the book Unbroken (same author as Seabiscuit) amazing. Maybe you'll get something out of it, too. I know that God had done quite a work on my heart before I ever pulled my butt out of the seat this morning.

Hope everyone has a great end to their weekend!

http://northpoint.org/messages/life_apps/part-2