Spewage (or sewage) depending on your liking...

"Give me understanding that I may live" Psalm 119:144

This is all I can say tonight. Today made the top five list of crappy days since "IT" happened. I have a horrible headache from coughing all day and my eyes are blurry from crying. I feel like I'm hanging at the end of the rope. So, here are the marvelous things I've decided in my delusional mind. I won't make apologies for my thoughts. This is the real stuff that's eating my soul today.

• I am officially someone's cast-off garbage. He chose her over me. Why? Who knows? He says it wasn't anything to do with her body but, heck, carrying and giving birth to three kids seems to have a pretty lingering impact on certain body parts that just seem more susceptible to gravity now. She now makes him laugh and makes him happy. I just make him angry. I've tried for the last 20 years to be everything to him. Now, I'm nothing. I gave him three beautiful children and walked through fire with him to adopt another one. That means nothing. No points for being the mother of your children or wading through miles of crap to think you were fixing everything.
• I am pretty sure that I'm done with counseling. To have "wise" counsel continue to tell you to keep pressing forward and things will magically get better is crap. I wonder if she's ever been left alone with three kids, a house, and one income. Probably not. It won't magically get better. This will be my life for the next fifteen years, at least! How do I juggle financial complications, Dasha's special needs (mental and physical), a two year old who is her father reincarnate, and an 11 year old who feels the weight of the world, keeping the house and yard in order, AND holding down a full time job and trying to find part time things to help make other ends meet? (Oh, and then add me getting sick to the mix which makes for a lovely state of mind). So, dear counselor, you may have a beautiful degree hanging on your wall but you don't have any real life experience so I bid you farewell!
• I'm going to have to find a new profession to maintain stability for my family. Due to the state's stupid Race to the Top plan, I'm going to ultimately be forced to work on merit pay. Hmmmm... Guess that means that if I piss the registrar off and get a class of lower kids or kids whose parents don't give a crap that I won't pay the bills for that year. I have three freaking degrees - one in neurobiology - and need 30 more hours to have my doctorate and this is what I get. Student loans out the wazoo and a decrease in pay. Makes me feel really great about having to keep my kids in the public schools!
• I'm much more gullible than I ever thought. I believed every lie. Even worse, I believed them and then came to the rescue. I just thought there was a chance that I might get a chance to play the princess. Nope, I was just the understudy. When the star was unavailable, I was the second-best, runner-up wife. He let someone else play the princess role that I'd been waiting for. (If I wasn't trustworthy to be the wife, why am I trustworthy to raise three kids)? The plan was laid long before I even knew my leading role was in jeopardy. Stupid, stupid, me. When did the lies start? How much of the last 20 years have been based on lies? Did that first, "I love you," really even mean that? Never to trust in that department again.
• I made mistakes. As I've written many other times, I'm not innocent in this mess. I am not faultless or blameless. Now, I have to live with those ghosts, as well. Others tell me the whole darn thing is my fault. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm sure Anonymous will be more than happy to throw a few stones at me in this department.
  
• Don't tell me time will ease the pain. The pain of Annie asking to see Daddy in the computer instead of being able to jump into his arms sucks more than you can imagine. Having Grant reach out to me and try to rub my back and wipe my tears goes beyond anything reasonable for an 11 year old. One day he's here, the next, he's gone. Perfect. They ask, "When is he coming back?" I don't have an answer. Dasha asks, "Why is he living with that lady friend?" Can't answer that one either.
  
• I actually have very few true friends. Maybe this isn't a fair assessment but too many folks have taken sides and pushed us to the back. Once again, perfect.
• I'm a pretty darn good handy man who is crippled by my lack of brute force. I've been pretty amazed at how much I can do around the house. However, there are some things that I simply don't have the know how or strength to do! Who am I supposed to call to do these things? I can't afford my own Handy Manny (ok - it's a Disney show, not something dirty). I can't call my dad constantly. He is already working too many hours at his "part time" job and I can't risk asking him to overdo it and end up having another stroke in order to take care of business that he's shouldn't have to be responsible for!
• I'm not too bad at accounting, either. Considering that I'd never paid a bill before and I only let one slip through the cracks, and there's actually a little money left over at the end of the month, I think I did a pretty darn good job! I've learned the art of shopping at Aldi, GoodWill, and Free Cycling! Who knew? Oh, and did you know that things in the Dollar Store aren't always that great of a deal? Maybe you laugh, but I couldn't have even told you what milk, bread, or cheese cost a month ago. I just bought them because we needed them. No coupons. No store hopping for sales. Wow. A month sure changes things! My biggest fear in this department now is trying to budget for running the air? I finally had to turn it on and leave it on today. Although it's only on 78, I'm not prepared for a $400 bill! Just add it to the stack of stress. Never mind the air, what about medical expenses, the van breaking down, and other unforeseen things? Clark Howard and Larry Burkett are great but you can only stretch a dollar so far!
• I'm standing at a cross road about church. If I stay at Watermark, the big kids will need to go to 11:00 service. This works but runs right into Annie's lunch time and nap time. Also, the big kids are expected to serve at 9:00 service. Except, Dasha can't serve due to multiple reasons so what do I do with her? Annie is content to stay for two services but... I can drive to the Northpoint campus but then I'm adding a 45 minute drive and the price of gas. This sounds trivial but when you're dealing with limited mental capacities, something like this can really mushroom into a major decision disaster (like skipping church which was the easy way out this morning).
  
• There are way too many people out there who justify divorce. A couple in our small group met through an affair and are now married and "soul mates." Why is this acceptable? Why do you get to make promises, make commitments, and then bail? You do that with a business contract and someone will have a lawyer crawling up your butt to sue you! Nope. Not with families, though. You simply have to tell them that it's just not working out for you and it's too hard and they give you a "get out of jail free" card to move on to an easier life. Um, where's my "get out of jail free" card? I believe I drew the "do not pass GO, do not collect $200" card. Divorce is just something our society has been desensitized to. News flash - it's wrong unless someone is beating the crap out of you or sleeping around (and then the faithful one gets to make the call). Life is hard. Cowboy up, grow up, and take responsibility for what you helped create and bring into this world! I didn't sign up for this adventure alone and it can't be adequately completed with me as the sole tour guide (or with a second guide issuing commands from miles away)! I've got Gilligan, Ginger, and Mr. Howe competing for my attention and I'm stranded.
• People will justify whatever they want to and you can't change their mind. And Forrest said, "And that's all I have to say about that!"

So, there are my thoughts for today. Between skipping church this morning, driving to JoAnn's to use a Michael's coupon and being told that I'd chosen the one item the coupon couldn't be used for, and then washing my cell phone (I saved it - I think), I'm not in a great place. I am looking forward to getting into the safety of my classroom tomorrow morning and staying there. In that environment, I can put all of this mess on the back burner and focus on what matters, the kids. Kids who love me unconditionally, laugh and mean it, and are truly innocent. Maybe I should have signed up to teach summer school!

In an effort to give myself time to get over this rotten cold, make it through one of the hardest weeks of the school year, spend time with the big kids as they graduate on Friday (seriously, I'm going to calmly sit through a graduation for both kids and look like I'm not losing mind? we never even thought Dasha would make it to this point and now...), and basically keep my head above water, I'm not going to post this week. I know I said I'd post every night but I'll be resorting to good old pen and paper this week. This post should give Anonymous enough spewing to respond to for at least a few days and I just need a break. (Anyone have a tropical island resort they want to share? I'll provide the entertainment and drama)!

(As a side note, it took all of my effort not to use the song, "Goodbye, Earl" from the Dixie Chicks or "Pray for You" from Jaron and the Long Road to Love as the background for today's purging)!

I know that I'm going to look back on this mid-week and scramble to delete it. However, please take note that if you have any other friends going through this situation, be aware of areas they might could use your help or might could simply use someone to stand next to them and keep their mouth shut (the friend's or yours). I had one friend tell me I was Zena and that she'd hold the shield for me while I fought. (She also made a requirement of me not wearing tights and a cape like a superhero but I don't think she was serious. She's seen MUCH worse on some crazy vacation trips)! That was just what I needed. Not advice about who to be mad at, how to express or not express my emotions, or even what I should or shouldn't use to beat my children with (kidding... maybe). She simply wanted to come beside me and hold part of the burden for a while. I think that's what most of us need when we find ourselves in this boat. I'm actually a pretty intelligent person and I can figure most of this crap out given time, patience, and sanity. But, what I need is simply someone to hear me and keep standing there and help lift the shield a little higher. I can handle the sword.

I admit that when I read the Zena text last week, my first thought was to find some kind of Zena costume. Then, I realized that Zena is VERY well endowed. Remember what I mentioned earlier about gravity having a bit of a tighter grip on certain body parts after having a baby? Well, let me tell you that I definitely could NOT pull off the boobs at full-staff look! Yikes! So, this Zena wanna-be is heading to bed with a cup of hot tea. Good night, all!