In my pursuit to at least write something on this page every day, I fear that I must write the truth tonight. It's not funny and it's not too interesting but it's my life today.
Up until the last few weeks, I felt like I'd been a very private person. There were very few folks that I let enter my sacred personal bubble. I'm just not keen of having lots of people in my business.
Then, we changed small groups. As is the SOP when forming a new group, each person is supposed to share their personal journey story with the group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that in laying all of your dirty laundry out for others to see you open yourself up to be a more integral part of the group and everyone bonds more quickly. We didn't hide any truths. That was the first time we'd hung the dirty laundry out for everyone to see outside the realm of a counselor's office. He went first and then I followed. There was silence. I'm mean, what do you say when someone just dumped their dirty unmentionables out in the floor for all to see? High fiving is definitely out of the question. Awkward silence isn't much better. I really don't remember what happened after the laundry basket had been up-turned. I think I've purposely blanked that moment out just as mothers blot out the pain of child birth and somehow look back and say, "That wasn't all that bad. Let's try for another baby!"
At least we had each other to lean on, though. We'd just exposed ourselves to an entire group (six other couples). It was full Monty style stuff!
Today, I had to do it alone. Venerable doesn't even begin to touch the feelings I had sitting in the lawyer's office. My heart kept telling me to run away as fast as I could but my brain somehow kept my butt planted in that cushy chair. (Maybe that's why I'm feeling brain dead tonight! Keeping my butt planted is a big job for one little brain)!!! Anyway, the lawyer ask dirty details. Details that I didn't want to share. She made comments that I really didn't want to hear. She drew conclusions and compared things that weren't necessary. What motivates folks to go into family law? Who would want to deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis. I'm convinced that the little old lady sitting behind that enormous desk was a step-child of the Grinch. Questions, questions, and more questions. Questions that I didn't feel she needed to know followed by comments that my heart told me were untruths. I'm not after venegence but her heart seemed to be motivated by only that.
Have you ever heard someone say that before giving a speech, you should just picture everyone in the audience naked and you'll feel less nervous? (OK, first of all, if I did that, I'd end up bursting out laughing hysterically because I'd imagine some weird-0 with an anatomical defect sitting right in the front row OR I'd envision it as a scene from the old Coocoon movie with old hangy dangly body parts drooping all over the place and I'd puke right there on stage)! Anyway, I felt like I was the naked one sitting there today. Personal business that no stranger should know or ask about, all being pulled from the laundry basket. I admit that I didn't dump the basket out eagerly or even let the laundry slide out slowly. I gingerly took out the most obvious pieces such as the socks and jeans and handed those over first. By the time this lady was asking for the undies, I was ready to bolt.
I have decisions to make. Decisions I NEVER thought I'd be faced with. Decisions I'm not prepared to make. Do I use Clorox and bleach everything to a institutionalized white or do I use the Dreft or Ivory and the gentle cycle and just hope the dirt gets washed away without destroying the garments? Ugh! As I said yesterday, I'm weary. I'm weary of decisions. Weary of dirty laundry. Weary of not only having to expose myself but of having to listen to others' renditions of how it all happened while I sit there naked. (Have you ever had an OB/GYN appointment and they left you sitting in the exam room for an extended period of time with nothing but that fancy little paper shirt on? That's what I felt like and the shirt was definitely way too small)!
Tonight, I will rest with a very heavy heart but I will rest knowing that God knows how many hairs are on my head. (He's probably had to start an Excel file to keep up with the gray ones) but He even knows when a tiny sparrow falls to the ground but He deems me even more important . As I was reading last night (my new lullaby is to read myself to sleep), I ran across this in a blog that I really like. http://www.backtothebible.org/index.php/Gateway-to-Joy/When-the-Sparrow-Falls.html Although I know what's written is truth, but it's a very big task to put to understanding right now! I feel like a sparrow that's in some sort of digitally altered fall which just keeps going and going and going.
A naked and exposed sparrow hurling toward the ground at terminal velocity.
I know that's not the truth but in my weary and feeble mind tonight, as the kids are upstairs sleeping and the house looks like an atomic bomb was dropped (heck, it looks like a bomber squad flew over and dropped a whole arsenal of bombs), I will head upstairs to MY bedroom where one side of the closet is completely empty and one side of the bed is still neatly made up and crawl under the covers to sleep this off alone!
Luke 12:7 (New International Version, © 2011)
7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
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