You're Fired, Smothering Monsters, and Rest

I want to put my head in the sand right now and just pretend that none of this is happening. I want to walk away and be like Waldo and just disappear into the crowd. Is it possible to give your circumstances a pink slip? I'm not asking to hear Trump yell, "You're fired!" I'm just asking for a short layoff! Yesterday was tough. Today, everything was raw and edgy and due to lack of sleep last night! I did my best not to place my own inabilities onto the kids but... Why is it when you are at the moment of breaking and need just a little breathing space that kids seem to get to the same point? There has not been a single moment today since 5:45 a.m. when I haven't had at least one child lurking next to me. (After trying to convince Annie to watch Bubble Guppies this morning so I could close my eyes for a few more minutes, I was fully awakened by her yelling, "Ready, set go," and jumping square on my back! I had to wiggle my toes before rolling over to greet the world to make sure she hadn't broken my back)! Yes, I love my children and enjoy playing with them and spending time with them but, honestly, I haven't even been to the bathroom alone today! (You never know what a luxury it is to get your OWN toilet paper and flush by yourself until you have a curious two year old accompany you on every visit)! I know they are all clambering for attention and, yes, they deserve it but what am I to do? I honestly wanted to scream, "Shut up," multiple times today because they just all kept trying to out talk each other at the same time about things that I really didn't deem too important. (Even as I type this, the big kids keep coming through and asking if they can have snacks or showing me silly things that they've done)! Yes, before everyone jumps to conclusions, I know that these things are legitimately important to them but I just need a moment to catch my breath! I have several people that have volunteered to watch the kids to give me a breath and a dear friend who even prepaid a sitter for me but I keep thinking that I'll save those resources for emergencies. I'm not sure what I'd deem as an actual emergency, though. Maybe when I make the 6 o'clock news, I'll call that an emergency!

So, tonight, I'm heading to bed before midnight in hopes that I can actually fall asleep. Sleep came quickly last night but then my brain interrupted around 2 and couldn't be stopped until close to 5. I just kept thinking about the illusion of the entire situation. How long was the love an illusion? How long was the happiness an illusion? Man! The harder I tried to stop the thoughts, the more fluidly they came. I even went outside and sat on the patio at about 3:00 trying to change my thought patterns with some muggy fresh air. It was so peaceful at first but I kept hearing "things" moving about in the woods and got freaked out that some monster creature was going to jump the fence and swallow me up whole! So, I went back inside and turned the TV on. I can tell you all about the weird TV sales commercials that are on during those hours and I have to say that I'm really bothered by the fact that a kid's channel is still airing kiddie shows at those hours! I don't care what time zone you're in, kids that are watching Dora need to be asleep at that time! I finally picked up a book that I've been reading and came across a commentary about Job. Wow! I think I'd like to hang out with Job for a little while. I think he'd understand what I'm going through.

Here's the excerpt that really stuck out for me...

In the Bible, Job was a righteous man who underwent great pain, loss, and suffering. Job was not afraid to express his confusion and despair to God.

At one point he said, "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me; Is it right for You indeed to oppress, to reject the labor of Your hands, and to look favorable on the schemes of the wicked? . . . According to Your knowledge I am indeed not guilty, yet there is no deliverance from Your hand'" (Job 10:1-3, 7 NASB).

Although Job did not understand why he had to live through this horrific pain, he did not waver in his faith. Job later said:

"Though He [God] slay me, I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15 NASB). 

The last verse is what really stuck out and made me nearly leap off of the sofa and go, "Yes! Someone gets it!" According to Your knowledge I am indeed not guilty, yet there is no deliverance from Your hand. 


I'm just ready to rest. I want to rest in safety on so many levels - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to rest physically without interruption. I just want to be able to let go of everything and rest. I'm beginning to think that this chapter of my life won't include too much of that, though.