Anger

Some days, I feel like I'm trying my darnedest to be a flower but the weeds just keep choking me! 

All through this journey, I've feared being angry. As I said before, I've never really been angry at God before. However, over the last several weeks, I've had random thoughts fly through my head that surprise me such as, "Why would You choose to do this to me? I've done absolutely everything in my power to do the right things." Yeah, they get worse from there and get a lot more specific but the point is, I've never really been angry with God. I've always just accepted what came my way as part of "the plan" and I've tried to walk it out. And for the most part, I've been ok with that.

Today was one of those days when the seeds of anger were planted before the day even broke, though. I had "the dream" again. I woke up confused and startled as I normally do and I couldn't get back to sleep. Then, Annie decided to get up early. She was wearing her favorite t shirt that her Daddy brought her from Hollywood. Something about her this morning just looked identical to Eric. That was all it took for those seeds of anger to take root. All day long, for some weird reason, everything she did reminded me of how much like her Daddy she is. She smells her food. She talks and talks and talks. She likes to be right. She's persistent. She has these little dimples on her... ok, TMI! It was like a mini-HIM walking around all day long. The kids didn't have a clue what I was battling. They shouldn't have to. But, every time I looked at Annie and saw Eric, I got madder and madder. 

My breaking point came this afternoon when Annie fell and got hurt. I was already frustrated with everything else. I sat down on the couch with her and she melted in my arms and then said, "You sad Mama? Don't cry." And then, she started singing to me. I couldn't hold the tears back at that point. She's so innocent. 

We got her a "new" wagon this morning and as I drove to pick it up from a friend, she kept talking about Daddy coming home and putting it together and building it. We were clueless what she was talking about but she just kept saying it over and over again. Grant tried to tell her that he would put it together if it needed to be fixed but she got mad and insisted that Daddy would use his tools and fix it. ??? The only thing we can figure out is that she remembers the night he assembled her Cozy Coupe car while she sat in the middle of it! She's so innocent. He's still her hero. There's not a day that goes by when she doesn't ask for him. Why? What did she do to deserve to grow up without her Daddy?

It's at this point that knowing that this blog is out there for the world to read really hinders me writing what's truly flying through my mind. If this was a journal that I was going to lock away, I'd write down all of the exact thoughts I've had today. Most of them have to do with the injustice of the situation and confusion. All of those thoughts, though, have been directed toward God. Why me? Why now? Why did You waste almost 20 years of my life if it was all a joke? Since You're omnipotent and know ALL things, You knew this would happen. Why didn't You intervene? Why are You letting "our" kids grow up without a daddy? Believe me, it got much worse from there. It was kind of like watching water spiraling down the toilet - round, and round, and round.

Of all of the books I've read about walking this journey, they all say that it's "normal" to go through a phase where you're mad at God. I hate being normal. Normal is for everyone else. Not me. If I have to be normal, I'd rather not even do it!

So, now that the kids are all in their rooms for the night (doubtful that they're all asleep), I've had a few minutes to sit down and separate the anger away from truth. I actually took a sheet of paper and wrote down some of my "angry thoughts" and then next to them tried to find a fact that corresponded to it. Ha. Dr. Phil need not worry about me taking over his job. I ended up just justifying my anger. Hmmm.... Not sure if that's what my goal was. However, I felt better after having my thoughts on paper. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all created like Mr. Potato Head and could just take off those angry eyes and stuff them back into our butt pocket when life gets tough?

Anyway, this is what I'm dealing with today. I know that this too shall pass but as I'm smack dab in the middle of it, it doesn't feel that way. So, tonight, I'm going to do my best to spray some weed killer on all of those nasty angry thoughts and get myself in a good place before heading to bed. It's been quite a while since I dreaded going to bed but I do tonight. I'm already beginning to think of tasks that I can do quietly without waking the kids up. But, I can't let one bad night ruin everything! (I'd slept through the night for several nights in a row)!

It's just so hard to be a person who takes great pride in having so many of the answers to have so many unanswered questions and no hopes of getting those answers in this life time.