Unintended Discoveries, Scenes from Michael Scott, and Incompetent Juggling

Pyro with the sparklers - beware!

The before shot...

The almost after shot... Any guesses as to what she does next?

With Grant, I would have never even let him touch the "boom stick." With Annie, I just wait to see what she will do.

After waiting for 45 minutes, they canceled the show.

I managed to capture the few milliseconds that they played together nicely!

Fireworks - Take 2

Annie just wanted to get up and run around. She was having visions of playing Frogger on Hwy. 92.

Grant teaching Annie how to correctly spit sunflower seeds.

She has mastered the "flirt" look. Oh my!

And finally, there were fireworks!

So, there was finally an ending to the long, drawn out 4th of July weekend. Whew! I can't say that I'll have fond memories of this holiday.

As for the remainder of today, it was filled with a mix of emotions that ranged from near maniacal to brokenness.

Annie actually didn't come calling on me until 6:30 this morning which was a nice change up from 5:45. That extra 45 minutes of sleep can really energize a person! Whew!

Without putting too many details out, one little thing put me over the edge emotionally this morning. The big kids weren't even up so they were clueless that a war was raging downstairs. I found something that was probably not supposed to ever be known or found by me. It literally brought me to my knees. It made me feel so naive, stupid, and angry. While my heart was being seared open, I wanted to strike out and cause equal damage. My thoughts were full of vulgarities and darkness. I actually started a blog entry this morning trying to flush out all of the emotion but for some reason, I never brought myself to hit "publish." I saved the entry for myself, though, to revisit later. I'm so thankful that I didn't post my initial thoughts. Whew. For all of you who keep telling me that you're so amazed with my strength and abilities right now, ha! If you'd read that post, you would've seen what courses through my veins at some points and you would have probably lost quite a bit of respect for me!

Anyway, after stuffing away the hurt and anger that was oozing up from my find, I went to deal with breakfast. Thank goodness, that was uneventful.

I've lost track of the exact time line but at some point, Eric called Grant to have a conversation with him about some of the things that have gone on since camp. I've been trying to straighten Grant out for the last few weeks. However, one phone call from Eric put him right back into line. How is that? As I've told Eric multiple times, this whole situation sucks even more because he was such a great dad to the kids. He has a gift for talking with them and explaining life. I can do that with other people's kids but not my own. Anyway, knowing that he'd single handedly tackled the job and gotten through Grant's steel skull, made me even madder. It was so much easier to be mad than to let any other emotions bubble out.

Thank goodness, I had lots of cleaning tasks to take care of this morning so that kept me focused and busy. However, I knew that Dasha had another appointment with the therapist this afternoon and that whole situation just loomed over me. What would they say? What would she tell them? What would the cops say when they came to arrest me? :)

After a recap of the session with the therapists, they had all agreed on a few things after today's session. First, they believe that Dasha doesn't have any ability to regulate her own emotions. She simply mirrors the emotions of everyone around her. Ok. I can completely see that and even agree with it but it sounded so negative coming from this team of professionals. (Anger started seeping out again about this point). Then, they went on to talk about how as most kids get older, they learn to regulate their emotions more and don't always exhibit outward signs of what they're feeling. This leaves Dasha without any emotional ques to go on so she doesn't know how to act. The "pros" even noted that during the middle school years this can be exacerbated because she'll get lots of mixed signals from kids and will spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to figure out what to do. (I wanted to say, "So, you're saying that I should hang on to my paddle because I'm about to be up crap creek and I don't want to be without a paddle?") They said that this could be a result of her time in the orphanage setting (oh, excuse me, the correct term is INSTITUTION) or it could be related to her CP. They said the part of her brain that helps with emotions could be affected. Eventually, the group let me off the hook and basically told me that there's no cure for this and it's hard to cultivate those emotional foundations at this point in her life. Perfect. Now, I know that I don't have to take what these folks said as truth but in my heart, I know it makes sense and answers lots of other questions. But what does walking this out look like? Does it mean that she should never be around people who are angry because she'll mirror that? Why did all of this start when Eric left? (The proposed that it was because she was getting so many mixed messages at home from me and Grant so it's MY fault - not Eric's). OK - it doesn't matter whose fault it is but by this time, mad didn't even begin to cover my emotions.

But let me tell you, that anger that I'd felt this morning, it resurfaced as those therapists talked and I really thought that I might have to excuse myself and have a major blow out right there in the psychiatrists' office. Why the #$%^ am I having to deal with this alone? He keeps saying that it's killing him to be away from the kids. Then, why isn't he dead yet? If it was really killing him, he'd come back to Atlanta. He chose to leave them and chose to stay gone. My thought is that the kids have now each become a compartment in the filing drawer of his life and he can just compartmentalize them and only open the drawer when it's convenient for him - never when she's around, though. I'm now left with clean up duty AND trying to keep these kids glued together. Even Grant commented tonight on something that Annie was doing (yelling at him for being in her personal space) and he said that she was so much like Daddy and that he was the only one that really knew what to do with her. He had absolutely no clue of the battles I've been fighting all day and his comment was just like fuel on an already out of control fire.

Do you know what it costs to take a kid to a mental health "professional" even with great insurance? Those people are really proud of their degrees based on their hourly rates! How can I financially support her physical therapy needs AND mental health needs (oh, and they want us to go have another neurology work up and have a second opinion from another health field)? This doesn't begin to touch even trying to provide any enrichment for the other kids. And, beyond the financial responsibilities, how in the heck can I keep constant tabs on her to know exactly what she's doing and never let her be alone with Annie (or anyone smaller that she might "mirror" negative emotions on)? I can't even go to the bathroom without calling Grant to oversee the girls or taking Annie with me and just in case you've never taken a two year old to the bathroom with you, it's better to simply pee your pants or wear Depends.

I've been juggling all of the balls for the last ten weeks but idiots keep throwing more balls in for me to juggle and I'm reaching my capacity. What happens when I start dropping the balls? Yeah, there are plenty of friends and family that will help pick those balls up but once I've gotten them back into the pattern, I'm just going to drop them again! At what point, do I have the option to wave the white flag and give up? Or, at what point do I lose all integrity and honor and go on a manhunt (and take out any other living things in his vicinity, too)? I so desperately want to be able to look back on this chapter of my life and not have any regrets and know that I've done everything within my power to do this as "right" as you can do it but on days like this, anger, bitterness, and the reality of life make me want to put down the flag of righteousness and just live and operate out of the anger for a few hours. In fact, when I laid down this afternoon while Annie was napping, I day dreamed of what I'd say to him (and her) if I had them right in front of me. Whew! Looking back on my day dream, though, it would have played out like a bad scene from The Office! I'm a crappy verbal communicator and when I get emotional, it gets even worse!

The emotional roller coaster I rode today would be one of those crazy top 10 coasters that they show on the Travel Channel with killer heights and drops than accelerate to speeds beyond reason. However, this roller coaster just won't stop. It's like the operator fell asleep on the controls and has forgotten me. I absolutely know that's not true but in moments of hysterical emotion, that's the image that pops into my mind - one of those young Six Flags workers slumped over the controls of the coaster and drooling down the operational buttons as I get more and more motion sick riding round and round. Remember in Willy Wonka where they are riding through that crazy tunnel on the paddle boat and everyone goes nuts? Wonka simply says, "Stop," and everything ceases. I need that to happen right now or at least Wonka to holler, "Pause!"

On a completely different note, if you are reading this blog and have any interaction with my parents, please don't offer up the smut and craziness I post here nightly to them. They feel solely responsible for us right now and that is not their job. While I'm trying to cope with all of these emotions and feelings, I'm also trying to protect them from a lot of this. They don't deal with emotions or even life like we (I) do and they don't find it too comforting to know that I'm putting my personal bees-whacks out into the public. They much prefer to keep personal things private. I guess I used to but as I found the therapeutic qualities of blogging my feelings each night, I found that it was very freeing to let all of those emotions loose into the open air. In fact, I'm amazed at how many people read what I put out into that open air. In fact, I've had two publishers interested in putting this drama into printed material. Maybe one day I'll do that but today is not the day. Today is simply the day for me to trudge through this mess that I find myself in and come out on the other end victorious with a story to tell that I won't  have any regrets about. Boy, that sounds so easy to do. Ha!

For tonight, I'm going to crawl into bed and pray that the distant rumbles of thunder will serenade me into a sleep protected from that seeming ever-present dream and keep my mind focused on positive things and not on a tangent of all of the things that are not fair in my life right now. I'd love to take some NyQuil but that's just not a great idea with the cohabitants I have in the house with me tonight! Whew! Good night!