Through LOTS of counseling over the last few years, the counselors have always used a teddy bear to represent your feelings. They always talked about taking care of your "bear" and not letting others hold your bear who are not going to be respectful of it and nurture it. It's been quite a while since I took inventory of my "bear." Yeah, I've been overly aware of my emotions and feelings and I've noted them throughout the blog but I haven't just sat down and taken an overall inventory of the damage that has been done. That's sure not my idea of a fun activity! "Oh, yeah! Let's all sit down and look at all of the areas that Mama has completely lost it!" Nope. No fun there! But, hey! That's a counselor's job and that's what happened tonight. Inventory. Ouch. It was kind of like taking your car to the mechanic thinking that you only had a small leak and you've already prepared yourself for the financial smack and hassle of getting it fixed only to find out that the problem it a lot worse because you kept driving the car with the leak. Yep. That's pretty much the diagnosis I was given tonight. As we inventoried my well being, I learned that my bear has pretty much been mutilated because I let the same person keep holding it and he just kept tearing it apart. I'm trying to keep this all PG so I'm staying within the confines of the analogy of the "bear" but believe me, it wasn't this neat and pretty. I've fought to maintain control for so long - partially in fear of what would happen if I let go. Well, after the first couple of "ice breaker" questions, I lost it. It was nice to find out that I didn't have too far to fall, though. However, walking back through the journey with the counselor, the biggest thing that came out of the whole messy explosion was that it's time for me to take my bear back away from the one person that I've allowed to hold onto it and mutilate it over and over again and begin to put my bear back together. So, as of tonight, I am now in possession of my bear and, although it won't be easy, I'll work to put my bear back together again and make it ten times better than it was to start with! Build-a-Bear isn't going to have anything that will be able to top my bear! :) Anyway, I'm not one for mushy feelings or getting crazy about letting go in the presence of strangers but for some reason, that's what happened tonight.
For the last several years, I've been writing my own story and then standing by as God overwrites it. In some cases, it's been wonderful but in others it's been crippling. Sometimes, I've been a willing participant and others I've gone kicking and screaming. The next chapters of my story will be written very slowly with lots of direction and purposeful intent. I won't pretend things are rosy and sweep things under the rug. I won't let others try to dictate parts of the story that don't have any authority over me. At the end of the chapter, my bear and I will emerge as a new creature. (I'm having visions of the guy from Men in Black that has the weird alien bug inside of him - maybe it was just his inner bear)!
Yeah, so I sound like I'm on some sort of high. No. The opposite is actually true. I had the rug ripped out from under me tonight in many ways. Within about 10 minutes of meeting this counselor, I wanted to rip her eyes out. However, her points were all very valid and Biblical based. She even invited me to argue with her. At first, I didn't take her invitation because I didn't want to embarrass her with my vast knowledge of what counselors are supposed to say and do (ha) but by the end, I didn't have a problem confronting her. Her point was simply that it's not about working on "us" anymore. I don't have that option anymore. Now, it's time to work on me. If "us" ever happens, it won't be because of anything I said or did so I need not invest my limited energies in that department. Hearing this in such a straight-forward manner made me sick to my stomach. I'd already accepted this a long time ago but hearing it seemed so cold but when she framed it with me learning to take care of myself, it looked very different.
Anyway, so much for that jolly meeting! Like I said, counseling is like getting a wicked shot in your butt. You know it's what you need and it will help you in the long run but when that nurse wields that needle in the air and then jabs you like a piece of meat, it hurts like heck.
As for the MD appointment, that was pretty uneventful. I believe his words were, "You have three options. One, I can write you a prescription for a pill that will make you sleep but you could begin to rely on it and you might not hear the kids. Two, you can exhaust yourself during the day and then go back to school and get back into your normal routine, and see if that helps. Or, you can just keep taking the melatonin with a few other supplements and see what result that gets you." I love it when the doctor makes you choose your own medicine. Hmmmmm... You could take the Vicodin, the Hydrocodone, or the Tylenol. Which would you choose? Who said choose your own adventures were just for kids? Anyway, I asked him what he'd do and he said that he'd go for waiting it out and using the supplements and seeing how it impacts me once school starts. That sounded better to me than drugging myself to sleep while the girls burn the house down and Grant tries to micromanage them about which rooms to douse with gasoline and which to simply let burn naturally!
The odd thing about the appointment was that I was leaving, the doctor simply said, "You know, God has great things planned for you. Just keep moving and don't look back." It was a majorly awkward moment. I absolutely love this doctor and his staff. He used to be a high school principal and lets his faith show throughout his practice. However, I sure didn't expect to hear him say that. I'm not quite sure how I responded. But, as long as I live, I don't think I'll ever forget him saying that.
After I finished up being prodded physically and emotionally for the night, I picked the kids up and headed home to find that my "home" looked much different than when I left it. My small group did their own Extreme Makeover on my yard and basically the entire exterior of the house! They pressure washed, edged, trimmed, cut, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm sure they did things that I may never even know about because my eyes are so blind to that sort of upkeep! Wow! I'm not good at being on the receiving end of all of this help and I feel like my "thank yous" just aren't enough but I don't know how to express my appreciation.
To add to this today, one of my mom's friends bought me some new school clothes. I hardly know this lady! I've seen her in person once! She actually bought me clothes! I'm nearly impossible to fit or please and she did both. Wow! Once again, I just don't feel like my "thank you" is sufficient but I don't know how else to express my gratitude. I'm just speechless.
As I head to bed tonight, I won't lie and say that I'm ready to take on Hell with a water pistol and fight the yuckies that come to me in dreams. I'm not. In fact, last night was one of the worst nights I've had and the visions are still vivid in my mind. The sounds, looks on faces, and even the perception of what I was feeling are just like I was just jolted from the dream moments ago. I'm not looking forward to going to bed but I'm tired and I'm hoping the melatonin will work. (He also said I could take twice as much as I was taking).
This whole journey didn't just suddenly take a detour into Candy Land just because I had an "A-ha" moment about how my story was being rewritten. I know that there are going to be hellish storms that roll through Lollipop Land and I will probably draw the "Go Back 5 Spaces" card more than once. However, I've signed on to work with this counselor through the next 9 months in the context of a curriculum designed to help me be a better me and I know that I'll have the support I need to face those storms and "Go Back 5 Spaces" cards. I also know that I have the support of folks known and unknown in so many ways. I can't begin to recount all of the provisions that have been made for us before I even knew the need was there.
Thank goodness for unending love and amazing grace!
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