The morning was normal with Annie escaping her bed AND her room and landing in my bed around 5:30. She didn't eat much dinner last night, though, so she started screaming for something more than milk about 6:00. By 7:00, Annie and I were dressed and ready to go but had to pull the big kids out from under their covers! Both of the big kids rolled out of their beds on the wrong sides, though. The two of them just feed off of each other's negative energy and then Annie gets in on the game which just makes things smell like a heap of compost!
We headed out for the parade about 8:45 and were lucky enough to get a great parking spot and find some friends from school to sit with. I didn't realize it but it was the first "real" parade that any of the kids had ever been to. They all enjoyed the changing scenery and didn't complain too much about the heat.
Annie continued to wander through the crowd until a friend offered her a spot to sit down on her special Yoga mat. Whew! Who knew something that I would have called shelf-liner could be so magical!
After the parade, we looked through some of the booths but the kids were getting hungry and tired and I had to get through parts 2 and 3 of my plan before nap time! So, we headed for a quick drink at Burger King (they have their slushies for $1) but their machine was broken. Crap. I didn't have a plan B for this section of my flawless plan. Grant reminded me that QT sold fountain drinks and said that he thought they had slushies, too! Who knew! Fifty-nine cents bought each kid 32 ounces of pure frosted sugar water! (Let's see, they had junk for breakfast, junk for lunch, what could a little more junk hurt)? Anyway, after our QT slushies, we headed to the cemetery.
As the van doors opened, Annie charged out as if she was in some sort of open field filled with nothing more than beautiful flowers and space to run. Dasha started asking questions like, "So, how exactly do they put the dead people in those boxes?" I didn't even answer that one and gave Grant a look that clearly said, "Don't go there with her today!" However, in normal Dasha style, she persisted. Her next question was, "So, when God takes these people to heaven, why don't we see their bodies going up in the air?" OK. I took a stab at answering this one. I remember using the words "spirit" and "invisible." Um, yeah. Her next response had something to do with dead people really being ghosts. At that point, I just told her that we'd look at a certain book at home that goes through what happens when a person dies. While this was going on, Grant was chasing Annie around the headstones trying to keep her from pulling flowers out of vases. I just wanted a few moments of quiet and peace to exchange the flowers on Ansley's grave, have a moment of reflection (guarded reflection), and then take a deep breath. Nope. Not gonna happen. Dasha continued to ask about where the book was at home. In the office? In her bedroom? In my bedroom? In the garage? Annie continued to climb on the memorial benches and try to pick flowers from other grave sites. And Grant? Well, he was so aggravated with both of the girls that he just resorted to standing in one spot. I really never thought to ask him what he was thinking. Maybe he needed a few minutes alone at Ansley's grave, too? That never dawned on me until much later in the day. Needless to say, the big kids piled back in the van and Annie darted away from us back into the cemetery for another romp around the graves. I felt somewhat sacrilegious about running around the cemetery chasing a two year old. There weren't any other visitors and, heck, I don't guess we were bothering the tenants so maybe I shouldn't have worried about it so much! After telling Annie that we were going home to eat birthday cake, she finally agreed to get back into the van.
By this point, I'd reverted to my favorite mode - numb. All I freaking wanted was to stand at my dead daughter's grave on her birthday and cry for a few minutes. I'd already set my parameters and decided that crying wasn't an option but I did just want a moment of peace. (I started to say a moment of silence but there's no such thing as silence with all three kids in tow).
After cake (more junk to go along with the slushies), the girls went down for naps. Grant asked to watch TV instead so he stayed downstairs to watch some wilderness guy gut an armadillo to eat. Gross.
This nap time phase was supposed to be my planned emergency escape route if I needed an emotional break down. Nope. As I collapsed onto my bed, Grant appeared at my door. He climbed into my bed with a whole platoon of his G.I. Joes and began to play. I couldn't send him away knowing that he was struggling, too. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he repeatedly told me, "Nope." So, I turned up my own numbness factor and fell asleep listening to him making shooting sounds and other sound effects that sounded like men having the air knocked out of them, getting shot, or being constipated. I'm not sure which of those things was being played out because I fell into a hard sleep almost immediately.
I keep having this reoccurring dream. It's the same dream. Same scenario. Same people. Same everything. It starts out as a nice dream but ends up on Elm Street! I know that dreams are supposed to represent things in your life but this is getting old. I need this dream to go away. It has robbed me of hours of sleep. Some nights, I dread going to bed for fear the dream will wake me up. That's what happened to my beautiful nap. I recognize that if I'm tired enough to start dreaming hardly 15 minutes into a nap that I'm exhausted! I admit that I even downloaded this sleep music app to try to help me sleep through the dreams or go back to sleep afterward. Ha. No way. No wonder it was a free app.
So, tonight, although I'm exhausted, I really don't want to go to bed and face "the dream" again. Maybe one day I'll give the details of the dream but for right now, I'd rather keep it to myself. It's one of those dreams that's mixed with half truth, half exaggerated emotions, and half wishfulness. OK. So, maybe that's more like 1 1/2 but you get the picture! I find myself doing laundry, writing blog entries, and even cleaning bathrooms late into the night. This is all fine and dandy during the summer when I don't have to be at school by 7:00 and I have the luxury of hanging out in my pjs until 8:00 but I won't have that luxury in about 3 weeks!
Back to the story, after my abbreviated nap which was punctuated by G.I. Joes getting their heads blown off in very close proximity to my sleeping quarters, I decided to get a list together to head to WalMart once the girls got up. When we finally made it to Wally World, I realized it must have been a Freaks Only Fest today! There were women running into the store in bikinis that barely covered the important things! Even Dasha had to comment on one daughter / mom combo wearing bikini tops and denim bottoms like something Daisy Duke would've worn. She said, "Look! They are wearing their bras to WalMart together!" While part of me giggled, part of me braced myself to hear her ask to do a mother / daughter date in our bras and Daisy Duke's (not that I have any but...). Good Lord! The poor greeter at the door would probably have a heart attack on the spot if Dasha and I decided to make a WalMart run like that! I can see the headlines now! "Mother / Daughter team strikes greeter blind and then causes him to go into shock!" Like I said, Freak Show doesn't really even cover the weirdness that was oozing out of the store. I was quite glad to mark that trip off of my list!
We finally headed to my parents' house for dinner and fireworks. Grant had already lit a few sparklers at home and neither of the girls was too interested. He wasn't happy, either, that I insisted that he take a large cup of water outside as he lit a few of the rated G fireworks. I think he felt insulted. However, when he threw a Roman Candle down on the ground (aiming straight for Annie) after being surprised at how strong the "kick" was, I think he understood my point. He and Eric always bought a few fancy fireworks and set them off together. I think he wanted to continue that tradition but he just didn't have the courage to light 'em up and he didn't want me to help. He took the leftover fireworks to my parents' house in hopes that my dad would continue the fun with him. Sure enough, he and Dad went out front (with Dasha in tow) and started lighting bottle rockets. Remember that saying, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye"? Well, it wasn't an eye this time. It was a butt cheek! I guess Grant and Dad were lighting the rockets and throwing them into the air instead of using a BOTTLE. (Wouldn't one presume that's why they are called BOTTLE rockets)? Anyway, a rogue rocket came back toward Grant and got him on the butt. (I keep replaying that scene from Forest Gump when he takes a bullet to the buttock)! :) So, Grant ended his fireworks display for the night.
We all piled in the van to go to the front of the neighborhood to see the fireworks display as a torrential rainfall started. After enduring about 30 minutes trapped in a van with my parents AND my kids, we found out that the whole thing had been canceled due to rain and lightening. Part of me wanted to trick the kids into believing that the lightening was actually the fireworks so we wouldn't have to repeat the whole drill tomorrow night. No luck. They are obviously smarter than the average bears. Dang. So, I guess we get to do it all again tomorrow night including the nearly 45 minutes that it took us to clear the parking lot afterward. Ugh.
Today, I had hoped to go through the motions of a "normal" 4th of July. Beyond seeing the parade this morning, that didn't happen. I tried to fake it, though, but the kids knew differently, especially Grant. I'd like to say that I'm heading to bed to recharge for tomorrow but I've stuffed so much raw emotion down today that I don't know if the squeaky wheels will ever stop spinning in my head tonight. Tonight brought such an onslaught of, "How can you stand to be without them?" and "Is she worth more to you than these kids?" But, those aren't things that are going to help me move forward in my own story. Those are questions that will have to go on the list of things I'll probably never know or understand. Tonight, I will do my best to dwell on things that help me keep writing the story of my life as a story filled with integrity, honor, and laughter (I did get quite a bit of laughter from the firecracker "bite" today despite Grant's minor injury that he did NOT want me to kiss better) :).
***Note: This is a raw version of this blog entry! Beware! My spell check isn't working and the Blog site isn't doing it's normal job! ??? Gotta love technology!
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