Compromises and Distractions

I told you that I was struggling this week and that was no lie. Next week, the battle will intensify. I'm already a weary and wounded soldier but I'm trusting and leaning on my faith to get me through. I'll give you the summary and then sign off. And, I can tell you that I most likely won't post anything again until next weekend. Sometimes, it's best to keep all of the beasties creeping around out of the public view until I've had a chance to fight them and put them back into their boxes.

Last night, about 9:00, I decided that I would make it to church today no matter what. So, I laid out clothes for everyone and made sure that things were ready to roll. I knew that I had to stop for gas before we hit the road so I even added time into the equation for that. (I tried to fill up yesterday but my debit card kept saying "not authorized." I only had the girls with me so I didn't bother to get them out of the van and lug them into the gas station).

So, when my alarm went off this morning, I drug everyone from their toasty little beds and started the routine and torture of getting everyone ready to go. While I was in the bathroom, Annie hoisted an empty laundry basket onto my bed and then climbed in it. She kept saying that it was her "boat." Ok. No problem with that. But, then, I guess the sea got rough and she decided to stand up and surf in the basket. She proceed to surf off of my bed and onto the floor. She even managed to land in the basket. Her award for a superior landing, a bloody lip and a black eye. Strike one for getting to church on time. Note to self - do NOT allow a toddler to surf on the bed in a laundry basket!

We made it to church just as the music started. Since this church doesn't have childcare, all three kids piled in around me. Annie colored for the majority of the service while the older kids pretended to listen. I'm hoping that something did actually sink in, though.

Ok. Check. I attended church with the kids. I heard the message but I didn't really let too much of it sink in for fear of softening the scabs. With three kids in tow, there's no room for emotions beyond happy to be visible while they're around.

Next stop, IKEA for three light bulbs. After sitting on I-75 for nearly 40 minutes with Annie screaming that she was hungry and the sun was in her face, I finally got brave and put my life in the hands of the GPS to find a way to the big yellow and blue warehouse that did NOT include I-75. We made it with relatively little drama which was a good thing. We had a quick lunch and grabbed what we needed (ok, I did pick up two timers, an umbrella, and a small garbage can for the car - a little more than the light bulbs). Oh - and as a side note, one of three bulbs was broken when I opened the package so I'm STILL short by a light bulb!

My plan was to let Annie nap in the car and head toward the pumpkin patch. We still had not gotten a pumpkin. For some families, it's ok to grab a pumpkin from WalMart or Publix. We've ALWAYS gone to Burt's Farm to get a pumpkin. It's just tradition. I knew that I couldn't do Burt's this year for a multitude of reasons but I had intended to take the kids to a pumpkin patch. Shoot. I even bought the Groupon coupon for the place in Oxford - so much for that. Anyway, my plan of Annie napping was one of those pipe dreams. She preferred to sing the entire way. Better than screaming. I decided to give the kids a treat and stop by Krispy Kreme. Last year, Eric got the kids some pumpkin doughnuts there and Annie has never forgotten. She asked for them a few weekends ago and it took me forever to figure out what she was talking about. So, we stopped at the big Krispy Kreme joint (the hot sign was not on) but we did get pumpkin doughnuts. Then, it dawned on me. Orange and black icing in the van. My sister would KILL me if she knew I'd even toyed with the idea after she had my van detailed for my birthday! So, we took the fried sugar cakes back to my parents' house. Hee hee! Grandma just loves her grandkids too much to complain about a trail of orange icing on her floor AND they have a dog that will lap it all up!

Next stop, Berry Patch farms for a pumpkin. I knew it would look like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree but it didn't matter. It was more about the journey than the actual pumpkin. However, Annie was at meltdown mode by this time and I was over the journey AND the pumpkin. I drove to WalMart to pick a pumpkin out. I told Annie we were going to the pumpkin patch at WalMart but she didn't fall for it. The big kids were disappointed, too. But, what was I supposed to do? Believe it or not, WalMart was out of pumpkins. They had the ones that look like gourds and have big chunky nasty warts on them and then the tiny little ones. I bought a prepackaged bag of the little ones hoping that Annie would find them so novel that she would forget about the "patch" part of the deal. It worked - momentarily. So, for the first time in 14 years, I don't have any pictures from a pumpkin patch to add to the scrapbook. Blah.

Anyway, by the time we got home and I put Annie down for a nap, I realized that she was running a fever. Nothing horrific but enough to put me on edge and make her feel lousy. So, I Tylenol-ed her and put her down for a nap. While she napped, I tried in vain to finish her blasted Cookie Monster costume. I would have been better off to have paid the  $30 on etsy to buy the thing. After 300 yards of tulle (the kind that comes in rolls of 25 yards) and too many battles with the cat who thought it was a new toy, the costume is still not finished. I'm out of hot glue and I can't use the stuff I normally use to fuse things together because the iron melts the tulle. (I learned the hard way). Blah. Blah. And blah! She might just have a costume with a one eyed monster. Maybe I could show her a picture of that monster from Monsters Inc. and tell her that she'll look like him.

Currently, all three kids are in bed. Lunches are packed and I have a few more things to finish up for school before heading to bed myself. I just wanted to make a few comments before I sign off for the week.

1) My biggest hurdle for this week will be Eric's visit. He is bringing his friend with him again. This is not what bothers me. Both of them will be spending time with the kids. Grant thinks she is wonderful and fun. Dasha thinks she is pretty and nice. Who knows what Annie thinks. I'm handing my three most prized possessions over to someone who willingly walked away from his family and someone who knowingly ruined a family. And, the kids (at least the big ones) think this is all ok. What if they prefer her over me? Where is the line when I say, "No. I won't expose them to this."? However, if I say that I don't want the kids around her, he won't come. I want the kids to be with him. They miss him horribly in ways that you could never even begin to put into words. But how do I protect them from this sin without keeping them from their father? What's the right thing to do?

2) The second punch in the gut that I'm waiting for is Saturday night. They (kids plus him and her) are all going to hang out with some of "our" old friends. Heck, these folks used to be our Sunday school teachers. They stood with us as we lowered Ansley into her grave. We've vacationed together. We've shared way too many intimate silly secrets. They are welcoming them in with open arms. She is literally stepping right into my shoes and showing up on the doorstep with my husband and my kids. What have these other folks told their kids? "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Susan looks a little different. She will look a lot younger and..." This worries me. Grant still doesn't tell people that his parents are getting divorced. He tells them that his dad is working in TX. So, when he shows up and his old buddy starts asking him questions about the girl that is with his dad, what will he say or do? And, what will Annie do? She'll be in a different place with only Eric and her. She hasn't seen Eric in weeks. He doesn't have a clue about her fears and securities right now. Does he know that she hates thunder and will not sleep without her pink puppy? Who will comfort her when she gets cranky or upset or tired? Grant? Probably. But this shouldn't be his role. He's not the parent. Crap. This whole thing sucks. Why do the kids have to go through this? Yeah, I'm sure this girl is nice just as Grant, Dasha, Eric, and Eric's mom continue to rub in my face. I know. She was so nice that she ruined my family without regard to a binding union. Yeah, I messed up and didn't do everything perfect but we stood before God and made the deal. Yeah, real nice. I don't care if she's the freaking Queen of England. She didn't have enough respect for my kids to leave their father alone so why should I trust that she'd have their best interest in mind now? What if.... Oh, those darn what if monsters are simply everywhere. I can't trust either of them with my innocent kids!

3) For the last 20 years, my life has been one compromise after another in order to make everyone else happy. I'm over it. While I am definitely in a bad spot right now, I know now more than any other time in my life that I have the resources I need to keep my integrity and not have to make compromises regarding my wants, desires, and needs. Now, I just have to figure out how to work all of this into the above two issues. Easier said than done.

So, I'm sure I'll have major regrets about hitting "publish post" by midnight. However, I'm not going to compromise and sugar coat my feelings right now. This is where I'm at. I have a serious job to protect my kids and set a Godly example for them. Knowing how to set that example when it's in the face of this kind of choice is overwhelming. But, as I said, this is where I'm at. I won't apologize for stating the truth. I'm sure that someone will read this and get majorly offended but that's their problem. I want the legacy that I leave for my kids to be nothing more than pure. Not tarnished. Not filled with my own selfish choices. I want them to look back at me and know that I did my best at every corner to seek God's will and do the right thing - even if they don't like it now.

Now, I'll finish up my school work and get ready for tomorrow. Hair painting and ice cream with 22 kids. Finishing up a Cookie Monster costume. Cutting a pumpkin. Dealing with a sick toddler. Going to the bank to get my debit card off of the "fraud" list for the third time - thank you MetLife for screwing with my identity and causing untold amounts of drama. And then, getting ready for a major SACS - CASI visit at school on Tuesday. Then, Thursday, we (Eric and myself) will meet with Dasha's teachers to try to get to the bottom of all of the problems at school. Then, on to Friday and Saturday. Hopefully, by then, I'll be able to reset the "numb mode" enough to enjoy my day off on Saturday.

Anyway, I won't post again until next weekend to give myself time to figure all of this out and an opportunity to filter the monsters that might be lurking around the corner waiting to snatch me by the ankles and drag me down like those urban legend guys that grabbed women in parking lots from under their cars. Nice, warm, fuzzy bedtime thought, huh?

Good night, all.