Having My Butt Kicked

And this, my friends, is the single thread that I'm holding on to right now. Somewhere amidst the constant chaos, there is a calm peace at my core that I can momentarily retreat to for escape. There's no time for luxurious blogging tonight. There's only time for fragmented thoughts...

• Letter stating that MetLife screwed up the taxes on maternity leave with Annie and I'm now responsible for more taxes and must file and adendum. Yeah. Just what I have time to figure out. And, that was three freaking years ago!
• FedEx letter stating that MetLife compromised my "identity" and that they have voluntarily paid for fraud protection for me for the next year but I need to pull all of my credit reports and contact any creditors. Once again, their screw up has now become my problem. This seems to be a common theme in my life right now.
• SACS visit at school next week which translates to everyone walking on eggshells, gearing up for a major dog and pony show, and a race to see who can do the most butt kissing in the shortest amount of time. Perfect. Newsflash, I don't have time to kiss anyone's butt. They can just kiss mine!
• Sick two year old who has decided that eating dinner is optional and that it's much more fun to wake up at 2:00 a.m. screaming that you're hungry and want a snack.
• Thirteen year old who has simply jumped off the deep end and I'm really wearing out trying to tread water to pull her ashore. Homework lasts from 4:00 until 9:00 or until I call a time-out and say, "Screw it." Last night, we subtracted mixed numbers with different denominators for 2 hours but she still failed the test today.
• Eleven year old that wants to talk constantly and tell me everything but I'm not really listening. Yeah, I hear him but I hear him over the roar of Annie clambering for me and Dasha saying she still doesn't understand the homework.
• Three calls from the school nurse today about Dasha. Seriously? She fell twice and then had a surprise "visitor." I didn't need to be informed about any of this. She falls often and never goes to the nurse. When I got her home, I figured out what was going on. She had several substitutes and she was milking their attention to the max. Neither fall left a single mark on her.
• I've yet to figure out costumes for Halloween. Annie wants to be Cookie Monster. Where did she get that from? She doesn't even like Sesame Street! I found a cute pattern but that means I have to find time to make it.
• That audiologist appointment she had... Well, who knew that an audiologist wouldn't write a pediatric prescription and that our pediatrician wouldn't honor the paperwork faxed over and write one for us. Now, I have to figure out a time to get her in to see the pediatrician to get a prescription for her ears (plus pay another co-pay).
• This doesn't even begin to cover lesson plans, house keeping, yard work, grading papers, dealing with the next book report, or sleeping. I just don't have it in me to be all things to all people. I'm empty.

I'll admit that this is the closest I've been to simply losing it. After dropping Grant with my mom so she could take him to music lessons last night, I seriously thought, "I wonder how far I could drive on the gas that's in my tank?" Then, I realized that would simply strand me in the middle of nowhere with two hungry and cranky girls. No thank you. I'll revisit that thought when I'm alone. I just want a morning when I could sleep past 6 a.m. and a night when I could fall into bed before midnight and sleep through the night. My mind is at about a category 5 hurricane right now worrying about next week and all of the things that will happen. It's like the first time when you take your kid on a roller coaster and they sudden want off and begin screaming when they see what really lies ahead of them. Yeah, I'm that kid screaming to get off of the coaster - except I'm all alone in the seat and no one seems to be listening.

Maybe I'm simply a whiny whimp. I don't know. There are so many other women who've walked this road and seem to come out of the ride unscathed. Why can't I get it right? I have a roof over my head. A good job. Supportive co-workers and family. A solid faith that I'm clinging to. What am I missing?

So, tonight, I'll spend at least another three hours sitting here finishing up masterpiece lesson plans in case the SACS group decides to peek at them, setting up parent conferences, and feeling utterly alone. If you think I'm a whiner, then stop reading. I dream of just one night going to bed and not sleeping in a huge bed alone and having someone else go to comfort Annie in the middle of the night or busting Dasha for taking her braces off at 3:00 a.m. I'm so weary of being the responsible one. Just one night I want to plop my butt in front of the TV and ignore everything. My kids deserve my best but no one is getting that right now because there's nothing left to give other than mandatory maintenance.

Yes, I will overcome this and look back at the journey I took and probably thank all of the therapists, pharmacists, and host of other folks who helped me through. But this leg of the journey is kicking my butt. It's hard to fight when you're weary.

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer. . . . All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads. . . . I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me. My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. . . . I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me. . . .

"But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me. Deliver my life . . . Rescue me . . . save me. . . . . For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. . . . . They who seek the LORD will praise him" (Psalm 22:2, 7, 14-15, 17, 19-21, 24, 26).