For the last two weeks, organizing my thoughts and posting them here has been on my priority list. However, my children seem to have the knack for sabotaging that list every single weekend.
Here are the simple highlights from the last few weeks. I'll add details when my children all grow up and move out (maybe).
Two weeks ago...
My fall break was refreshing. I got a lot of things done to the house that I've been trying to do for weeks. Pinterest has become a dangerous place for me but also a great site to figure out how to do things for cheap and free! However, I made just enough of a mess during my "staycation" that it lingered throughout last week and is still haunting me tonight! I'm learning that if I don't invest at least an hour in domestic upkeep each day that things begin to mount up to critical proportions.
During the break, my birthday fell on that Friday. I made the final payment to pay the divorce lawyer that day. I can't even begin to open Pandora's Box on this whole subject right now. It's something I said I'd never do. But, I did. Once again, I have to frame everything on this unexpected journey knowing that I'm operating with integrity and in the best interest of those I'm now totally responsible for. I've found divorce lawyers to be nothing shy of man-hating, emotionless, fighters so, to say the least, they intimidate the crap out of me!
I must also mention that on the Friday before break, a random parent delivered an envelope to me in my classroom and gave me some special instructions for the envelope. Yes, I found it a bit strange but I did as I was told and realized why those directions had be given upon opening the envelope later that day. The gift in the envelope was anonymous (I sure haven't had too much luck with anonymous friends) but completely overwhelming. These days, it's gifts such as this one that remind me that God's promises are true even when those dark clouds seem to be surrounding me. I've tucked that special gift away for a very specific day. If that anonymous person happens to read my nutty thoughts, all I can say without sounding silly is, "Thank you."
Last week...
So, we head back to school. Within a couple of days, Dasha's teacher emails me with some issues. (Heck, this wasn't even the teacher of the class that she has a 53 in)! So, Dasha needs to be at school for tutoring this week by 7:30. Um. Huh? I have to be in my classroom by 7:20. Yeah. I've had to enlist my parents' help with that deal. It just so happens that Grant also has to be at school early to make up a math quiz since he has a C in math. Really? Like I said, they are tag teaming me in the crazy department. To top it off, the nurse from the middle school left me a message about looking for forms in Dasha's binder about her failing her eye test and her hearing test. Yeah. I've already done the partying with the opthomologists and specialists about her optic nerve issues. It aint gonna get any better than that, lady! She just got new glasses and those are the best suckers money can buy so just move her desk up in front of the board or put our name on the list for a seeing eye dog. I don't know what else to do! As for the hearing, she had tons of ear infections as a baby that didn't get treated so she has hearing damage. There's absolutely no where to document that on the one gazillion forms that they send home with the kids at the beginning of the year and I really wasn't in a spot to write some sort of cutesy "Get to Know You" book to send her teachers. That was the good thing about having her at school with me. Everyone knew who Dasha was and they knew what was going on. With that being said, I did at least email the nurse back with an abbreviated version of Dasha's history and attached a scanned copy of her last record from the optometrist and the pediatrician's visit from last week, too. Yeah, the pediatrician would (and I quote), "Like to see Dasha going to see the psychologist at least once a week during this very turbulent time." I started to reply, "Do you know what the word C O P A Y means?" No, I'm not going to let finances stand in the way of Dasha getting medical services that she needs but the therapist that she was seeing just wanted to "hang out" with her and then not tell me what was going on due to patient confidentially stuff. But, they sure thought a week at the adolescent psychiatric facility would serve her well. Hmm.....
Back to reality. Oh, wait. This IS my reality.
This weekend...
Friday night, I decided to take on the yard. We don't have a big yard. It's only about 1/8 of an acre but the HOA seems to target our yard so I don't let things get too far gone. I started with mowing the grass. That was pretty routine. I did have trouble starting the mower but when it finally fired, it was like some cartoon show and a huge gray smoke cloud eeked out of the engine. I kept waiting for a blazing fire to start but when it didn't, I quickly mowed the grass while watching for any flares or fireballs. Then, I got brave. The yard desperately needed edging. The edger we have looks like some sort of weapon. It has a huge metal blade on the bottom and I'm convinced it could slice your shin into thin slices just like they do meat in the deli. After quite a bit of wrestling with the beast (in the front yard, of course, so all of the neighbors could see), I got the death device started. Then, I realized that I didn't know how to use it. It had a trigger like a leaf blower but wheels like the mower. Hmmmm..... I ended up trying out several different positions with the awkward thing before figuring out how to settle the blade in between the grass and concrete. However, my aim was nothing shy of horrid so every time I got too close to the concrete, sparks spewed from the blade. At one point, a spark landed on top of my fabric tennis shoe and I was terrified that it would catch on fire. So, there I stood stomping one foot with the other. I just don't even want to know what the neighbors were thinking. I bet at least half of our street had congregated in the house next door to peek out of the windows yet be shielded from any flying debris. Finally, I did get the hang of it. It looks as if moles dug trenches throughout the front yard but, by golly, I dare the HOA to tell me that the sidewalk needs edging. I trenched the darn thing! I could fill the trench with water and call it a mote around the house! Ha! (Oh, while all of this was going on, the kids had been sequestered to the deck playing sand. This way, they were away from the debris field and hopefully, out of ear shot of the naughty things coming forth from my mouth. If Super Nanny had been here, I'd STILL be in the naughty chair)! When it came time to crank up the weed eater, I was so grateful that it was out of gas. I'm smart enough to know that it takes some weird ratio of oil and gas and, darn it, I didn't have any here and it was too late to run to the store! Bummer!
As silly as this sounds, six months ago, I would have walked away from the yard debacle in a torrent of tears. This week, there were no tears (unless you count those of the neighbors that were crying from laughing so hard). I call that moving in the right direction. Every day it looks a little different but I do recognize it.
Then, there are times like today when a simple trip to Home Depot sends me over the edge. I get so mad that I can't anticipate the ridiculous things that are going to set me off! I needed four nuts to sink into a piece of ply board in order to finish my beautiful bench. (Thanks, Pinterest). However, after scouring the aisles, I couldn't find what I needed. There was nothing hanging in the "nut section" that matched the description of what I needed. I couldn't find any employees to help me, either. Annie was standing in the bugging whining about wanting to get out and climb the ladder that someone had left in that aisle. Dasha was tripping over displays. And, Grant was walking around like a zombie. No, I'm serious. He was truly acting like a zombie. There I stood. All I wanted was a $2.00 baggie of nuts. Heck, I'd brought three major nuts into the store WITH me but I wasn't asking for miracles! I ended up plucking Annie from the bugging and darting for the door before the tears overtook me. Once again, the tears were not for Eric. Those are all gone. These tears were shed for simply wanting to feel some comfort in a moment of frustration and have a little bit of help with the kids. It can just be overwhelming. There are some moments that you just want someone's arms to run into and hear them lie and say, "It'll be ok."
I came home and collapsed on the sofa where Annie promptly climbed on top of me and brought me the remote. I cued up her Fresh Beat show and dozed through about four episodes. Yeah, she definitely maxed out her TV time for today but she can just add it to her list to take to her therapist one day!
The piece that I missed in all of this was Grant's bike spill. Saturday morning, he was to do a huge bike ride on the Silver Comet Trail with the scouts. Dad went, too. I'm not sure what happened but Grant ended up meeting up with gravity in a bad spot and went face first to the ground.
Bottom line, yes, this is the abbreviated version of my life right now. I never know what silly thing is going to send me into a tailspin and, honestly, I never quite know how long it will take me to recover. I'm simply taking it day by day. I believe the kids are doing the same. Each morning, they draw straws to see who will get to play "Push Mom Over the Edge." I pity the person who plays tomorrow because I don't think I'll have too much of a fight to put up.
This week is crammed with various craziness that won't allow much rest, though. Tomorrow, we have a marathon faculty meeting. Tuesday, I have lots of other school paperwork to get done. Wednesday, Dasha has to meet with the orthopedist to get her new shoe inserts. Thursday, I get to go to a divorced parenting class to learn how to properly parent as a divorced mom. This is part of getting a legal divorce in GA. Hmmmm..... I wonder what they are going to tell me. I have nothing to offer but sarcasm about this. I'm missing a day of work plus having to pay to take the class plus having to juggle my kids' schedules around to make the timing work. Yeah. I don't remember ever signing up for this journey but I keep stepping in every conceivable pile of dog crap along the way! Like I said, I am not looking forward to having to give up one of my "sick" days to do this. My hope is, though, to be able to hand off the certificate from the class to the lawyer on Friday and then walk away. (I'm sure there's another pile of poo to drag my shoe through somewhere, though).
So, as you can see, I'm just weary. Oh, what I wouldn't do for a weekend off. A weekend just to do what I want to do and not be responsible for three kids. To sleep past 6:15 a.m. To pee without someone offering to help me. To have a snack or drink without someone asking to have some. To watch a TV show that doesn't have characters that burst into educational songs about sharing and caring. Or, to talk with someone on the phone without having three crumb snatchers all decided to pretend like they are on the Jerry Springer Show! Yes, I love them dearly but I need a break. They need a break.
OK, so before I end up heading down a road that I don't need to traverse tonight, I'm going to quit. I still have several loads of laundry to do and breakfasts and lunches to pack. Tomorrow is another day and I need to be ready to run the race.
Good night, all.
