Days like this don't even deserve taking a Mulligan on. I got nothing accomplished with my side-kick in tow today. Then, I realized that I somehow entered the mortgage payment twice in epay and was rewarded with counting pennies to pay for gas when my debit card wouldn't work. (And, I don't have a credit card so I was literally stuck). Then, as I tried to change the light bulb in the light on the front porch, I fell off the step stool and into the holly bushes. Normally, I would have waited to handle such a task until daylight but several cars have been broken into in our subdivision (including mine - didn't take anything but left my GPS on the ground and greasy hand prints all over everything) and I've been leaving the front porch lights on for my own sanity. Now, to finish laundry and cleaning up the corpses of millions of little flying ants that must have crawled in through the window (closed) and decided that the end of their journey should be on my windowsill. Really?
I'm not quite sure why anyone is still reading this stuff because I'm struggling to even find humor in this journey right now. Yeah, I know I'll come out on the other end of this dark tunnel in a little bit but, for now, the light that I see at the end of the tunnel is only the light of a freight train headed straight for me. I'm finding out that when you're at your darkest point on this journey, all of the monsters and haunts suddenly feel the freedom to come creeping out. All of those thoughts that float in the back corners of my mind in the cobwebs start to surface like, "What was so great about her that he'd leave me and three kids in this mess?" Or, even better, "What's wrong with me that's so horrible?" And then, there's the recounting of the laundry list of things that he said were "wrong" with me and I wonder what I could've done differently to keep him here so the kids would at least have a dad. I've already battled these monsters and I knew I hadn't slain them but I sure thought that I'd done enough damage to render them incapable of eeking out of their dark corners. But, they seem to feel quite confident to creep out in the darkest moments. And tonight, they're having their very own kegger right in the middle of my brain. Drunken monsters rummaging around. Knocking over boxes of thoughts and memories that I'd packaged up and stacked neatly in the very back shelves of my mind.
I just want a day to reset and battle the monsters and throw them out. I don't think it's possible to completely kill these kinds of monsters but I need time to do enough damage to knock them out cold for at least.... oh, maybe 50 years!
So, I'm not headed to bed any time soon. I'm back at a point where I dread sleep. The monsters come out the minute I close my eyes. Tomorrow, I will get up and do my best to open the windows of my brain and let the light shine in and send the furry beasts back to their corners so I can take care of the business at hand and get off of this dang detour on my journey and back on track.
Good night, all.
