When I got to work this morning and turned my computer on, I had an email from Dasha's IEP holder at school. The email simply says that she doesn't need to continue riding the regular bus. She needs to ride the special ed bus (the short bus) because she's having too much trouble getting on and off the bus. No big deal. Right? Wrong! When we wrote her last IEP, there wasn't a special ed bus that leaves from my school (where the kids get on) to the middle school. I can't drop her off via car line because the kids can't go into the middle school building until 8:00 and I have to be at school by 7:20. The math just doesn't work. I could transfer her to our "home" school so she'd be in district and a special ed bus could pick her up at the house but our zone doesn't catch the bus until a little after 8:00. Same problem. I can't leave her home alone to catch the bus. Perfect. So, I've filed a petition to see if they will divert a special ed bus to our school to pick her up. What happens if I get a, "No?" I'm not sure but it might just be the last straw for my emotional stability. Why? Why? Why? I've been through this a hundred times. What lesson am I supposed to learn from this journey? What's the "take away?" I thought I had figured all of that out but the barrage just seems to continue.
To top it all off, I came home to find that Dad was laying the flooring down. Once again, let me preface things with how grateful I am. However, he hasn't staggered any of the slats. They all line up in rows in columns like grid paper. There are huge seams running across the floor where the slats end and begin in unison. What am I supposed to do? He completely wore himself out today but was so proud of his work! I tried in vain to remove the boards myself so I could spend the night re-laying them correctly. But, I can't budge the darn things without damaging the tongue-and-groove mechanisms. I'm sure the sight of me and Grant sitting on our butts both tugging at the same board was hysterical to outsiders, though. Ugh. At this point tonight, I think I'll just suggest that we start staggering them where he left off. Maybe I can find a beautiful rug to lay down over the other area for distraction. Crap. My heart can't bear the thought of making my dad think I'm disappointed with his workmanship but it's just blaring not right. (Having his blood sprinkled across the boards as evidence of his hard work doesn't help me too much, either, where he sliced his finger with a box cutter). I'd just decided to wait a few weekends to start the job so that we could enlist the help of some more knowledgeable folks. However, once he started ripping up carpet yesterday, I knew that there was no turning back.
So, I'm heading to bed knowing that in the morning I get to face my dad and potentially hurt his pride and trying to figure out how to keep Dasha in school while keeping my own job. Just some light brain teasers!
There have been bright spots this week and I know that I'm letting the dark clouds block the light but DANG! I just can't seem to catch a break!
"I cry out, 'My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the LORD is lost!'" (Lamentations 3:18 NLT).
My prayer is that I can begin to see more bright spots and less thunderstorms as I close out this chapter of my life. I don't like being like this. I don't like the fog that clouds my heart and prevents me from experiencing life with the kids to its full extent. No matter how much I try to keep things in focus using this lens, though, it seems like the cloud just follows over my head - kind of like Pooh and the little black rain cloud. The faster I run, the faster and larger it gets. At this point, we've moved through thunderstorm, tropical depression, and right up the scale to a category 5 hurricane! I'm tired of being fearful of those calm moments. I don't want to always wonder if I'm just standing in the eye and waiting for the winds to begin whipping back through and wreaking havoc. I'm also tired of removing a few sandbags thinking the storm has passed only to figure out that the storm surge hasn't reached it's full potential yet. Basically, I just want out of the storms and some clear skies for a while. I know that I was never promised an easy life and I'm ok with that but I didn't know that I'd have to endure this sort of crap.
Good night, all.
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