Lucy: Some folks place their deck chair so they can see where they are going. Others place it so they can see where they have been. Still others place it so they can see where they are right now.
Charlie Brown: I can't even get mine unfolded!
Yep. That would be me tonight! I feel like one of those cartoon characters that sits down in the deck chair and it snaps shut around them.
What am I going to do with Dasha? The homework drama has begun. She doesn't see the importance of taking responsibility for her own stuff! Is it that she doesn't see it or won't see it or can't see it? How do I parent that? I'm worn out with her. I DON'T want to and CAN'T deal with it tonight. I still haven't figured out where the money came from in her room and today, I found out that she's paired up with the special needs girl from elementary school that she tried to "mother" and got into trouble with. You're telling me that out of three teams of kids that those two have to be together again? This may sound uncaring but on nights like tonight, I just don't think it's fair that I have to devote 99% of the little time I have with the kids to remediate her needs that she didn't take care of during the day. She's also hanging on one of her male teachers. I knew it was coming! I knew this would happen after how she responded to the guy at camp last month. How do I address it? Maybe I could say, "Dasha, you can't give hugs in middle school." Um, yeah. Don't think would work so well. There's a middle school dance next weekend and she told us that she wanted to go and wear the dress that she'd worn to the Daddy Daughter dance last Christmas. We tried to explain to her that this would be different but she just didn't get it. Then she mentioned that one of her teachers would be there. Nope. She just sealed the deal. She's NOT going! She lives in a Disney fairytale. I'm absolutely a proponent of every girl / woman being a princess but even princesses have to have a reality check every now and then and dang it! I'm just about ready to seriously CHECK her reality!
To add to the drama, Grant started the day in tears (I don't think he slept through the storms last night) and then burst out into tears when I snapped at him for stomping and huffing around the house. Finally, he told me that Daddy was making salsa for her. If you've never tasted Eric's salsa, you wouldn't understand. Grant said he felt like Daddy just gave away something special. This statement is quite in line with conversations that we've had over the last few nights that have opened my eyes to the extent to Grant's pain. What am I supposed to tell him? I tried to tell him that there were other special things that could never be shared but when he said, "Like what?" I couldn't really give him an answer other than love. That was received with a major snort. At that point, I felt like I was batting zero tonight.
Then, there's Annie. Sometimes, she is the glue that just holds me together. Other times, she the acetone that dissolves the glue! Tonight, she just walked around the house singing. She has this little elf voice and when you ask her what she's singing, she'll usually say, "I'm not singing!" Tonight's tunes included Wheels on the Bus and Twinkle Twinkle. My mom had to pick her up today because I was at school until after 5:00 and mom managed to bathe and feed her. So, when I got her home, all I had to do was play with her. That was a nice change. When I put her to bed, she read me her Dora Halloween book and then told me she wuved me and wrapped those little chubby arms around my neck and then brushed my bangs out of my face and gave me a sloppy kiss on the forehead - just like I do to her minus the sloppy part. Yep. That was my undoing. I couldn't get out of her room quick enough to make it to my bathroom and lose it.
All of the "why mes" started caving in around me and then the "what did the kids do to deserve this" and even the "what did I do bad enough that the kids are having to pay too?" thoughts piled on top of that. I have to admit that with my exhaustion from school this week and major sleep deprivation from last night's storms that roared through and turned my bed into a family landing pad, my coping skills are about null and void for emotions. However, the one thing I've learned is that it's much easier to climb out from under the rubble as soon as it caves in than to wait a few days and try to get out. By that point, you're just paralyzed and the climb is ten times harder. So, I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself to "cowboy up" and move on. I really don't like it when I have to talk to me like that but sometimes (most times), I'm the only one there!
So, I'm off to sort papers and find a show to watch. I'm am truly exhausted and overwhelmed with Dasha's shenanigans and the thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life. I'm so burdened to know the pains and hurts that Grant is dragging around with him but doesn't feel the liberty to share for fear of upsetting me (or Eric). I just want to take a Mulligan on the last two years! Beam me up, Scotty - and while you're at it, beam up some clones to help me get everything done! This one handed business is beginning to get old! I never realized how important it was to be able to use your thumb! While my fingers are finally beginning to move enough to be able to grasp things, my thumb just won't. So, things like folding laundry and tying shoes have become more about me keeping my independence and dignity that actually getting any type of quality work done.
Anyway, enough whining. I'm off to finish paperwork and head to bed. Hopefully, I'll be the only habitat in my bed tonight and I won't have to share the covers!
Good night, all!
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