Grieving the Loss

Throughout the counseling process, the counselor continued to talk about identifying your losses and grieving them individually. I had quite a list of losses. However, tonight, I'm adding a new one to the list. I'm grieving the loss of the person I "thought" I was married to. I thought there was integrity, a Biblical foundation, and a strong conviction for family first. Tonight, I officially know that it was all a lie. I'm not grieving the loss of Eric. Jana can have him. Obviously, they're perfect for each other - A man who would openly cheat on his wife and leave her alone with no help with three kids and a silly young twenty-something who knows that she's seducing and sleeping with a married man but continues to do so. I don't want him or need him. I don't know him. He can ride off into the sunset with his beautiful new lover and I'll simply bid them, "Adieu." It's kind of like that moment when you realize the truth about Santa Claus. Except with this, I don't even want to savor the memories. I want to be brain washed of it all. That would be doable if it weren't for the fact that I have to look at Annie every day who has his face, his attitude, and his soul. She's a walking memory. It was all one big joke. Sometimes, I think I should grieve the loss of my innocence, too. (Along with the kids'). Just when I think the roller coaster is slowing down, I realize that the operator was simply pressing the clutch in to down-shift and increase the speed with no regard for the posted speed limit.

Good freaking night, all!