What happens when I can't do it any more? I'm at my juggling capacity. If I try to juggle one more thing, I'll most likely drop all of the other balls I'm trying to keep in the air. Which balls will fall first? Which will fall the hardest? Which will fall and roll away? Kids, job, house, bills, sanity? Which one is it? I'm tired to pretending to have it together. I don't. Things are beginning to unravel at an alarming rate. Today, Grant punched his closet door. He's currently trying to finish two assignments that were due on Friday. Why? Grant has never given me grief about school work. He's always been on top of things. What changed? Then, Dasha made Annie bleed. She decided to pick the hang nails off of Annie's toes and convinced Annie that this was ok. When Annie started screaming and I ran to see what was going on, Dasha just looked up and said she didn't know what happened. Annie quickly told me that Dasha had "picked her skin off." At that point, Dasha started justifying it by saying that the little pieces of skin were bothering her so she decided to take them off. (I'm just counting my blessings that she didn't decide to get the nail clippers and do it). Annie... well, Annie is two and just doesn't understand. The potty training has gone well and accidents have been minimal. Believe it or not, the biggest problem has been getting her to sit down to pee. She wants to perch like a gargoyle on top of the potty. There are some things that I just can't explain. However, I will tell you that a little potty chair will tip over and expel its contents when a child sits on it gargoyle fashion.
I'm just tired of the lonliness of the whole situation. If you have someone's arms to run into and momentarily hide from the world, don't take them for granted. Yeah, my parents help out but if they really knew how close things are to falling to pieces, they'd never stop hovering. They've already raised kids. This is not their job. Their expectations and methods are not what we had in mind for our kids but it's becoming harder and harder to maintain those expectations since I have to rely on them for so much. Our initial expectations are blurring with the leneniancy of their grandparent ways. The kids get confused with what they're supposed to do and what's acceptable. Why can I do that at grandma's but not here? That wasn't a problem when they visited there once or twice a week but when they are there nearly every day, black and white begin to blur to gray.
My wish for tonight... To run into the shelter of someone's arms and be able to let my guard down without fear of everything falling to pieces. Without fear of condemnation. Without fear of judgement. Without fear of losing who I am and who I want to be for the kids. I just want to hear someone say, "It's ok." Even it's a lie. Maybe this sounds really shallow or even silly. I don't care. I can't keep up the charade. Three jobs, three children, one house, financial responsibilities, and trying to figure out who I am through all of this. It's becoming too much.
Good night, all.
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