Unraveling...

Disclaimer: This has not been spell checked, grammar checked, or even reread. This is the raw truth as it came out of my brain and oozed through my fingers.

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. I'm still here but seem to be hanging by a thread. Here's the quick version. Maybe the full length version will come when things settle down but I wouldn't hold your breath on that one! I don't think things will settle down here for the next 18 years.

1) Christmas was a blur. I survived it and the kids did, as well. The decorations came back down in an uneventful manner and were tossed into the garage where they're still piled up.

2) Dasha got sick first. I took her to the doctor and they said that it was just a cold. Then, a few days after Christmas, Annie got sick. I started to make my ususal assumption that it was a cold and just try to treat it at home. However, since it was the day before New Year's, I went ahead and took her to the doc just to have it checked out. They asked their normal quesitons including, "Is she wheezing?" Of course, I answered, "No." Why would I screw around with a wheezing child? That's what landed us in the trauma bay at Scottish Rite with Ansley. I'm no dummy. However, after the doctor listened to her, she pronounced that she was in fact wheezing. At that point, the room started to spin for me. I don't think I've ever felt quite that alone. There I was imagining walking the same road we did with Ansley but alone. My imagination went wild. I was handed a small mask connected to a nebulizer and told to hold it over Annie's little screaming face until the medicine was gone. I knew the drill all too well. I'd done this a million times with Ansley. The moment the nurse left, I joined Annie and cried like a baby, too. The what-if monsters had their way with me in that little treatment room. That was an all time low for me. After finishing the treatment and rechecking her pulse-ox, we were written a myriad of prescriptions and dismissed. Talk about kicking you when you're down, after dropping off the prescriptions, I realized that I couldn't pay for them - even after insurance benefits. They were all Tier 3 drugs and... well, that's just the truth of it. I can't begin to tell you what it feels like as a grown mother of 3 to have to ask your parents to buy your child's medicine. Humbling doesn't even touch the situation.

3) So, with Dasha and Annie sick, Grant was bound to get it too. Yep. He ended up having to go to the doctor and get a prescription too.

4) With this particular bug that everyone has, coughing seems to attack in the middle of the night. I haven't slept through the night in over three weeks. I've been awakened by sounds of coughing, choking, gaging, and puking. My armor is wearing thin at this point.

5) Then, there's Dasha. I honeslty don't know what to do. While I'm purging my deepest thoughts here, I'll go ahead and tell you the truth of the battles with Dasha lately. She's learned to manipulate. When things don't go her way, she has learned the art of making everything someone else's fault - especially Annie's. "Dasha, how did this CD player get back into your room. I put it in my closet last night?" Dasha says, "Annie wanted to listen to music and went and got it." Annie says, "I did not get it. You went and got it and told me to dance with you." Suprisingly enough, Annie has learned to dispute some of the claims. After a complete meltdown last weekend and a string of lies, I'd had enough. I sat her in the hallway with a book to read while I did laundry. She began banging the wall like an animal and screaming that she hated me and hated living in this house. I snapped. Lack of sleep, lack of help, and lack of general sanity had weakened my nerves and I simply snapped. I picked her up, tossed her over my shoulder (all 100 pounds of her) and hauled her downstairs and onto the front porch. I plopped her down and said to her, "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to." Real mature, huh? As I turned around, the look on Grant and Annie's faces literally brought me to my knees. We all stood there looking at Dasha sitting on the porch still ranting and raving. What am I supposed to do with her? Many people laugh and say, "Oh, those teen years." No. That's not acceptable. Just because she's a teenager, she's not going to yell and scream at me and be disrespectful. I don't care what her "special" needs are. That's just not going to happen. I opened the door for her to come back in. She spent the rest of the day doing odd chores that I found for her. I'm simply at a loss. Some days, there's no drama. But, more than often, something is going to fly through the air whether it's her yelling or a hair brush. Argh. This is not the ride I signed up for.

6) In an attempt to save some of my remaining sanity, I decided to go with a couple of friends to walk around the outlets this weekend. I found a sitter and left. I simply needed a break. However, I will admit here what I've admitted to only one other person. A few friends had tried to set me up with a "friend" of theirs and kept bugging me to meet him. They'd given him my number (I may still kill them all) and he'd called a couple of times. I asked a teammate what I should do and she encouraged me to just go have some adult conversation. So, I agreed. (Strike one for me). I met the guy on Saturday at a local sandwich shop. I had the sense to make sure it was a very public place and mid-day. I didn't tell anyone other than that one friend where and what I was doing. Please remember that I haven't been out with anyone other than Eric - ever. First date was with him and that was it. I don't have any experience in this realm. So, the guy comes in and introduces himself and that was as good as it got. Every other word made me sink down further in my seat. I've heard of guys with the mouth of a sailor but this guy would have made a sailor blush. Then, he started with the racial remarks. I knew I had to escape but I hadn't planned an exit route. Duh. I did have to meet my friends a bit later but that was a couple of hours later and I couldn't take it that much longer. So, I lied. I'm admitting it to everyone. I lied. I picked my phone up, pushed a couple of buttons, and then told him I needed to leave because one of my kids was sick. If you want to get technical, all three of them were sick but I'm not even going to justify it. And, looking back, why didn't I have the nerve to simply get up and walk out and tell him he'd do well to go and gargle some Clorox? What I really didn't expect was his octopus-like moves as I left. He made out like it was to be a hug but, um, well, no. All I knew to do was jump backwards and walk out the door. If this is what the dating world is like, I'll go to my grave single and feel safe knowing that I won't have to worry about rouge hands grabbing what is defnitely not theirs. This guy was supposedly a "good, church going gentleman, whose wife left him a few years ago." Ha. With moves like that, he hasn't been in any church that I'd frequent. Those are moves you'd pick up from watching COPS not at church! The realization of the mess I could have gotten myself into and the what-if monsters tourmented me for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't tell the girls I met what my issue was. I just told them that I wasn't feeling too well. At that point, it sure wasn't a lie.

7) No. It hasn't been all gloom and doom but I really do feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth. With all three kids sick, school work closing in around me, and the feeling of being a complete fool on Saturday, I'm just ready to crawl into bed and stay there for a few weeks. The major bright spot in all of this was that after my yearly physical this moring, I managed to reach a weight loss goal that I really didn't think was possible. I don't know how it happened between the Pop Tarts, Dora the Explorer cereal, and holiday goodies. Nonetheless, I'm thankful and will take some time at some point to celebrate my goal.

So, for all of you who've emailed wondering what happened to me, this is what I've been wading through. I could make a list of 50 things that I've learned over the last month and I know that all of those lessons are valuable but... When can I have a break?