Arrived at courthouse only to find that for some reason, I couldn't get through the metal detectors. I've never had a problem anywhere else before. Every time the officer waved the wand over my butt, it sounded like an alarm going off. Seriously? Looking back, I can find a little bit of humor in the situation but at that very moment, it was definitely not funny. My mind was racing and I was beginning to look around to see if they were going to make me strip in order to go into a courtroom and have the remainder of my dignity taken. Finally, the officer laughed out loud and waved me on. I'm still not sure what the deal was. Was I their morning target for their first laugh of the day? Who knows.
In my mind, I'd pictured a quiet courtroom with a few other people sitting nervously as they waited for their marriages to be obliterated. Nope. This was civil court. People suing their contractors. People suing their banks. The courtroom was packed. This was definitely not what I'd expected. Thank goodness, my case was second on the docket for the morning so I wouldn't have to sit there all day or risk my case getting bumped to another date as we'd originally thought might happen.
The first case was called and the judge made a complete mess of the girl's lawyer. He kept asking for other documents and then asking the girl about the details of why she was divorcing her husband. He asked about her children, her own personal life and finances, and even asked her why she felt that her marriage could not be salvaged. What the heck? I'll admit that I thought more than once about bolting from the courtroom. I don't know what I would have done but I figured I could have at least made it to the elevator before having a heart attack. So, the judge did not grant the first contestant of the day her divorce. Her poor lawyer (very young and kept apologizing for his ineptness) looked as though he'd been hit by a truck. They were missing some paperwork that the judge found to be quite necessary after his badgering.
Then, they called my name. But, they didn't call my name. They said something like Randolph vs. Randolph or some other nonsense like that. No sooner than I'd been called, I felt the tears starting to well up. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why must I cry about everything? I did manage to stifle the tears after my lawyer gave me a look that would have scared a dead person. Her words to me right before court began were, "Simply take the stand, raise your right hand, agree to tell the truth, answer any question form the judge with simple responses, and don't get emotional." Yeah. This coming from a lady who dissolves marriages on a daily basis. Anyway, somehow, I made it to the stand, was sworn in, and from there, it honestly becomes a blur. The judge started asking me questions. However, my lawyer literally gave me "the hand" to inform me to stop answering the questions and she began to answer them for me. Oh my gosh. The questions that were asked made me want to slink behind the stand with embarrassment. Personal questions about finances that the entire court gallery was hearing. Personal questions about the details of the divorce decree. Justifications about certain parts of the decree. I alternated between channeling my energy to keep myself from crying and to keep myself from leaping over the banister and into the judge's box and strangling him for making Eric sound like a monster. (Then, I spent time being mad at myself for wanting to protect him). Geez. The day I can make my heart and mind connect, I might be safe to society. But, for now, the two entities don't seem to be on the same wavelength. Anyway, this went on for an hour. For a flipping hour, I sat there listening to two strangers rehash the details of the last twenty years like I wasn't even there. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't have answered if I'd wanted to. But finally, in some sort of secret motion, the judge and lawyer seemed to quit their tug of war and I was divorced. I seriously don't remember walking out of the courtroom. I made it to the elevator before I lost it. Lost it is putting it mildly. As I bolted back through security, the same officers who'd haggled me a couple of hours before just opened the doors and let me fly out of that God forsaken building like a wild animal escaping from a cage. Once I got to the van, I started it, and just drove. I ended up in the Publix shopping center on Riverstone. I guess I was there for a little over an hour before I got myself together enough to navigate home. I don't think I've even processed all of the emotions of that journey. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to, either. But, bottom line, he got what he wanted. In fact, it was a year ago this weekend that he made his final decision. I can see that now. Heaven knows that I couldn't see it at the time, though. He chose to lie to me about a business trip and rendezvous with her at a hotel in TX. That was the first time that I'd realized he'd directly lied to me. Yeah, he'd been "hiding" things for a while at that point but he hadn't just right out lied. I was at home with sick babies and pulling my hair out. I thought he was in TX trying to work with a new client. Yeah, he was sure working with a new client. He blamed "her" for tempting him by driving from Lubbock and getting a hotel room. Why am I reliving this? It doesn't even matter what the details are now. The bottom line, a year ago, he chose her over me. Now, he can legally get what he wants. Grant's first words to me were, "Tonight is the first night that daddy is doing the right thing." It took me quite a while to ask for clarification because in my heart, I knew exactly what he meant. From the mouths of babes. As I ask for that clarification, he slammed his next question directly into my bleeding heart. "What's the difference in the importance of you and me to him?" Once again, I didn't want to assume the meaning so I asked him. I won't forget his answer to me as long as I live. We both just sat there and cried. I'm not exactly sure what his tears were for but I could begin to make a pretty good list. Heck, I'm not exactly sure what my tears were for, either. In the end, I'm divorced. (That still sounds ugly and dirty to me but I guess I should get used to it).
There's the story in one big pile of words. There are some details that might come back to me as I process through the day. But, for the most part, I've closed the door on those memories for now and decided to simply keep moving forward. The longer I stand still, the more those memories get wrapped around my feet and ankles and pull me down. It's useless.
I've tried to make some extra time to spend with Grant lately and wow. Conversations with a middle school boy deserve their own entry (as do my early morning conversations with Annie). So, maybe I'll have time to put to paper the insanity of those conversations on another day.
For now,
Good night, all.
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