Let's see, here's how it all works out so far...
1) No sleep due to a wheezy baby and my own emotions which seem to have grown into a three headed monster and are once again taunting me with visions of sleep but allowing me none.
2) Overwhelming guilt about two epic character fails on my part. I'm not used to screwing up but when I do... dang. (If you were unlucky enough to catch the last post before it was deleted, I'm sorry. That's about all I can say).
3) Trying to cook burgers so the kids could have a real meal that wasn't 100% from a box. Had gas turned too high when I lit the burner and toasted my hair and eyebrows. Hmmmm.... I need a haircut anyway. Guess it's mandatory now.
4) Hamburgers were served as either hockey pucks or bloody. Hard to see what you're doing in the dark.
5) Tried to save myself with the kids by making cookies. They turned out ok but it suddenly dawned on the big kids that the hamburgers and cookies resembled poo patties and, well, though I laughed, I just wanted to throw away my mom card and run away.
6) Had to run to the grocery store to buy litter when I realized I was completely out and the cat had decided she wanted a refill. She filed her complaint in the middle of the office floor multiple times. Left the kids home and occupied to make the quick trip but returned to drama.
7) Finally got everyone in bed only to realize that I don't have a darn thing to give Dasha for her birthday tomorrow. Oh well. I didn't have anything to give Grant last week, either. Maybe I can just call it another new crappy tradition.
8) Crawled in bed with my laptop in order to get some work done (backed up to paramount status) only to flip channels and find "My Best Friend's Wedding." I'd never seen it before. I have now and wish I hadn't. Not what I needed.
9) The sheer magnitude of emotions and questions right now are pulling me down like lead weights. In the beginning of this journey, the emotions were definitely real but they alternated from high to low and were almost surface level emotions which could be quelled by throwing something or screaming. What I'm dealing with now... Nope. I could throw all of the shoes in Payless and it wouldn't help a thing. There are points when I cry out to God and there are days when I scream in anger at Him.
10) Through all of this, I've come to realize that the team I work with at school couldn't ever be replaced. Knowing that seven other insane ladies have your back can make all the difference in the world! We've laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt. We've cried together. We've even discussed... well... I'll never be able to tell those women what they've meant to me over the last... 12 years? Really?... That makes me really old! Anyway, there are definitely bright spots in all of the darkness right now.
So, that's a snap shot of where I'm at.
Good night, all.
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