Here Comes Annie Boo Boo Child

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Notes from an exhausted mama...

Honestly, I'm struggling. Do I like to admit that? No. The sheer task of keeping up with the needs of all three inmates plus a full time job and a house to run has taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Stress and sleepless nights wreak havoc on a diabetic's system so I've had to resort to closely monitoring my blood sugar (this freaks Annie out) and walking around with sodas and candy. Wednesday morning, I'm not sure what went on with my system during the night but I overslept (my worst nightmare come true - I have NEVER done that on a school day) and then was greeted with a kaput tire. When I finally got everyone settled (big kids missed their buses due to my antics) and realized that I felt strange, my blood sugar registered 53. Um. Not good to say the least. Yeah, I can say that I'm going to get a grip and take care of myself but it's just simply hard to do with three inmates who've been repeatedly LoJacked and are running in three separate directions. One wants to talk non-stop and have your undivided attention... oh, wait... that would be all three of them!

Grant is entering a new and, quite honestly, terrifying chapter of his life which will require me to be gracefully authoritative but approachable. He's yet to deem this weekend's event as a "date" but that's what it is. The whole situation sort of blind sided me. He's always just been a "good" kid and, honestly, I haven't invested nearly what I should have in making that "good" into something bigger and better. However, good just won't cut it with this dating thing. How in the world do I broach some of the topics that need to be brought up. (Ok, let's get honest here. It's sex ed week at school too so that's been another eye opening kick in the butt for me). Anyway, I just want him to be the guy who knows how to treat girls like they are true princesses whether the date is just a bunch of friends hanging out or if much later, it's just him and a special girl. This isn't like prepping him for a science test. There aren't any Mulligans or do overs! There's a huge part of me that wishes I'd drawn the boundaries more clearly when it comes to the girl / guy thing here at home. Living in a house with three girls, poor Grant knows way more than he should. And, honestly, there are many times that things which he should never be exposed to are smushed blaringly right up under his nose - like bras, under things, and special products. Humor has been the balm that has helped me try to coax him through living with three girls. However, I don't think it's going to be too funny when he pops off a joke about an over the shoulder boulder holder or something like that with a date. Even if the girl thinks it's funny, it's not. It's putting him into a spot where his toes are already in the gray area with a familiarity that shouldn't be there. Argh.

Dasha, well... She's struggling too. Academically, she's out of her league and just feels like she can't get anything right. I'm beginning to think that she's plateaued academically which I knew would happen. But, what do I do? She needs to go to school. She needs the structure and social interaction. However, she also needs to be learning some basic life skills, too. She doesn't need to be restricted to a resource room with profoundly delayed kids but sticking it out in the general education setting is simply eating away at her confidence one chomp at a time. She feels like everyone is constantly mad at her. Now, this is her perception because she feels like she's never good enough. I finally got her in to see a counselor and that report was anything but positive. Basically, she still doesn't understand the current family dynamic and "why" things are like they are. According to her, she spends quite a bit of her night reliving positive memories when things were what she called "normal." The other element that came out wasn't really surprising but put me in a position where I felt a surge of resentment to hear the counselor say that she felt responsible for... ok... I've spent 15 minutes trying to dance around how to say this... Basically, she blames herself for the change of relationship status between John and I, as well. We're still friends. She still sees him but she knows things have changed. Several months ago, I completely lost my temper and snapped. The words that spewed from my dark and ugly soul heavenward in a prayer of absolute desperation, anger, and hopelessness were heard by her ears. Ashamedly, I'll admit that I said something to the effect of, "No guy would ever want me because of the crazy issues I have." My heart literally hurts knowing that she heard that. She, of course, assumed that she was the issue. It was a moment of sheer frustration when I thought I was having a conversation with Him. Ugh. That's what she heard and that's what she told the counselor she thinks about at night. Great. I'm going to need counselor just to overcome her counseling session! Someone wrote something on my FB wall a few weeks after that incident and remarked that anything I'm involved in is great (or something like that). If folks only knew. So, I tried talking with Dasha about the situation but she didn't get it. It's like there are windows of opportunity to talk to her when she truly understands. I'm waiting for one of those windows. I think there's part of me that wants to justify my actions to her and try to clear my conscience but I know that at my core, there's not an ounce of resentment toward these kids. I don't know what I'd do without them. I always do a project with my students where they squeeze toothpaste out of a tube and then try to get it ALL back in the tube. We talk about how our words are like the toothpaste and it's impossible to get all of it back into the tube. Maybe I should take a dose of my own object lesson!

And then there's Annie. All at once, this little flower has blossomed into a stink weed! :) Since she started preschool, she's learned to say, "He blocked me," or, "She didn't use kind words to me!" Ugh. She loves her class and is excited about learning but I could sure use a device that blocks her vocabulary development. Her mouth is 3 going on 18! And, she's learned that she should keep her body parts and pieces private now. I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall at preschool as a room full of 3 year olds have to go potty or pee pee or tinkle or whatever the heck they call it! There has to be an element of humor to it! Tonight, after her pjs were on, she realized that if she lifted her arms, her belly showed. We made a game out of it at first and I squished her belly when she'd raise her arms. While this was going on, I'll admit that I might have had a DVRd episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on. (Don't judge me. It makes me happy to see a show where they speak English but still need to provide subtitles and blur out plumber's cracks). The little character, Alana, was squishing her belly up and making it "talk." Yeah, you can see where this one is headed. Annie quickly grabbed her belly and realized that she had the same talent. I might or might not have encouraged this by giving her phrases to make her belly "say." It was all fun an games until she watched little Boo Boo swinging and bobbing her head and oozing sassiness. Annie tried that on for size, too. Not so funny. (Ok. It was stinking hilarious but I know where the limitations are. If I'd cracked even the slightest smile, she would have been sassing me for the next week with Honey Boo Boo moves)! The girls simply oozes personality. Whew. While I'm saving up money to pay for therapy and counselors for the big kids, I'm saving money to bail her butt out of jail.

So, I'm just simply numb right now and trying to keep the outer shell tightly wrapped around all of the broken pieces inside so they don't spill out and make a bigger mess. I'm back on the roller coaster. I'm quite cognizant that I'm there. I've learned to live on this contraption. I take deep breaths and rest and treasure the times when I'm in the simplicity and grace of the middle ground. I feel like every crossroad I come to is a major intersection. I can't just come to a rolling stop and plow on through. Every single stop requires every ounce of my strength to look and listen for directions. Sometimes, it feels like those directions are not on Dora's map and seem nearly impossible to follow. However, as a friend said, God loves to laugh at the impossible. Well, I'm sure I'm on Comedy Central if that's the case because right now, I feel like even day to day life is nearly impossible. And, my laughter is normally a substitution and coping skill to keep the tears held back. I know this season will get easier but... It's so much easier to whine than look up and know that He knows the storm that I'm in and won't let the boat sink without showing me where the life preservers are. (However, I'm stubborn enough to ignore the directions and try to find them myself)!

Here's to a four day weekend (thank you furlough days and a dent in my paycheck) to regroup, renew, recharge, and re.... I'm out of re words.

Good night, all.

This was the view Wednesday night on my way home from church. What a reminder of what I do have to be thankful for!