Ickiness in my heart

So, it's a good thing that I gave up the daily blogging. Someone would have probably petitioned to have me committed if I'd been posting the things flying through my head over the last month. So, in an attempt to keep my job, my kids, and some semblance of respect, I'll keep it short. Trying to start a new school year with all three kids in tow has about done me in this year. The simple act of purchasing all of the gear that goes along with this territory is overwhelming. The kids have had to learn some lessons about the difference between a "want" and a "need" but, heck, there are times when I still have to take a step back and evaluate the difference in my own life! Grant settled into classes quickly and seems to have adjusted to the routine. Dasha... well... I'm not sure if we're going to make it out alive this year. Homework has taken her nothing short of three hours a night and I honestly don't think that she is retaining anything that she picks up in between the crying and hysterics. I simply don't know what else to do to help her. You can only teach adding and subtracting mixed numbers so many times before you think about slamming the book shut and proclaiming, "You'll never use this in real life!" Ok. Yeah, I know. Maybe a bit dramatic but I'm at my wits end. (Grant, on the other hand, hasn't had homework since the night I made him cry and slobber like a dog because I made him redo his incorrect math problems. Coincidence? I think not. Just something else to have to get to the bottom of). The cherry on top of all of this? Yep. As, usual... Annie. She has decided to give up her afternoon naps. While she does still sit in bed and look at books or sing to herself, she's not sleeping! In toddler terms of terror, that means that by 3:30 when I pick her up from the sitter's house, she's like a bear who has been wakened from a nice long winter's sleep by someone poking him with a stick. It's not a pretty sight.

So, let me walk you through the big picture. I have more students in my classroom than ever before AND a range of abilities like I've never had. After trying to juggle this all day long and literally not sitting down or getting a chance to pee, I pick up the three amigos who take turns stepping on the last visible nerves that are hanging raggedly from me. I'm feeling completely ineffective, inefficient, and... I don't know. Within the last month, I've had two anxiety attacks. I didn't even know what that was! I'd never had one before. I've walked through my share of cow patties along this journey and nothing has driven me to a medically diagnosed panic attack. The doctor's suggestion - less stress. Um, yeah. I believe my words to her were, "Which child should I get rid of OR should I quit my job?" She didn't seem to understand and simply offered me a prescription (which I declined). How am I supposed to juggle all of this? To top it off, Annie starts preschool next week. Her teacher hosted a play date today for all of the kids to get together but, of course, I couldn't take her. Next week, my mom is going to serve as a stand-in to take her to Meet and Greet but it's just not the same. I did take the next day off so I could deliver her to her first day of preschool, though. (On Grant's first day, he bit a teacher's child on the butt. I can't begin to imagine what damage Annie might do)! I just vividly remember being pregnant with Annie and swearing to myself that I would cherish every moment of the journey with her (even if she has left me tied up in the closet). I had so many regrets with Ansley's short life and I guess I just thought things would magically be different.

Now, add to all of that drama the daily household chores (I'm talking bare minimum stuff like making sure folks have clean undies) and other fires that seem to constantly pop up. I'm worn out.

Am I whining? Yep. I am. I recognize the fact that I have so much to be grateful for. I look around at other folks who are struggling way beyond my petty complaints. But, my therapy for the evening is to simply air out the ickiness that's in my heart right now so I can move on. The ickiness - feeling incredibly alone, overwhelmed, and completely ineffective. Will I survive? Of course I will. I just need a chance to take a breather and regroup. (I keep trying to hide in the bathroom to do that but Annie keeps finding me)! Here's to a bright new beginning tomorrow.

Good night, all.