Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Here are the random thoughts which are bouncing around in my noggin like the room full of balls from Mr. Macgorium's Wonder Emporium...

1) Annie is silently plotting to take over the world. I don't have any real documentation of this beyond my own gut feeling that she's a bit too smart for her three-year-old body and she keeps eyeing me when I deliver a time out or other consequence that she's not pleased about.

2) I'm my own worst enemy. The more book knowledge I cram into this head, the more common sense gets squeezed out. Case in point... My parents were out of town and I had to tend to their animals. I simply drag the 120 pound dog to my house and let the kids pretend they actually got the pony that they've always wanted. However, their cat (aka Diablo, Lucifer, Satan and a host of other "pet" names I've granted her) is stuck staying behind in an empty house. Poor, poor kitty. Anyway, she hates her routine being changed. When she's mad, she poops in the tub. Who would make up this ridiculousness? Anyway, on her third attempt at letting me know that she was unhappy with my custodial care, I decided to get smart and simply fill the tub with water. (I'll admit that I was doing the evil snicker and dreaming of the cat having to dog paddle around the tub for hours). Anyway, after cleaning the tub and then filling it with water, I walked out the the bathroom feeling victorious until I noticed the door stop on the floor. Then, it hit me. Why the heck didn't I just close the dumb door to keep her out of the bathroom? It's moments like this when I just stand in awe of my own stupidity and listen for the air hissing out of my ears. Geez. Ok. I'll admit. I left the door open and the tub full hoping that the cat would go for an accidental swim anyway. :0 Oh darn. Poor kitty cat. Did your nice fluffy butt get a little wet?

3) Nagging preteens is pointless. The last couple of weeks have been really hectic around here and bedtime has not been held to any sort of standard. That translates into mornings being like scenes from some weird zombie movie where the mom is the zombie and keeps chasing the kids around the house and threatening to eat them if they don't get moving. I did, however, finally figure out a secret weapon. After all this time of getting the kids up and out the door by myself, I found the miracle cure - Annie with a squirt bottle! The drill now goes something like this - First, get Annie up by taunting her with a fully loaded squirt bottle and giving her permission to "shoot" anyone who doesn't get up when she tells them to. Annie (now locked and loaded) quickly dismounts her bed and heads off to torment the big kids while I get ready. Yes, I do hear frequent screams and guttural sounds eeking from the hallway but... The big kids have hauled their butts out of bed faster than they have in quite a while. Yes, their clothing has been a bit damp by the time they load up in the van but they've yet to melt. So, I'm going to invest in a whole arsenal of water cannons. I may even label them. One gun would be simply for "encouraging" folks to get their homework finished. Another cannon might be deemed for reminding children to finish up their chores. Wow. I'm beginning to think seriously about writing a parenting book with all of the creative tactics I'm devising out of sheer necessity and the goal of survival. (Oh, the other thing that works well is taping construction paper hearts saying, "My mommy loves me," to the side of the van when pulling up in car line. This method yields immediate results for a whole host of things). I'm beginning to think I might just live up to my parenting mentors - Claire and Cliff Huxtable!

4) Change is the new normal. I'm a creature of habit, routine, and overall dullness. However, I'm slowly learning to let go of that and ignore the house looking like a bomb went off in order to simply have fun. In the words of Ms. Frizzle (Magic School Bus), "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" There have been chances way out of my comfort zone. There have been LOTS of mistakes. There have been more messes than an entire warehouse of Mr. Clean could handle. However, I'm finding myself in a new season that has been borne from all of these things. I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. Yes, there are definitely scars and bruises that I have to be aware of but those scars have added to the character of who I am now. And, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" (Daily affirmations with Stuart Smalley).


And, these are the Boggle letters that are being jostled around in my brain right now.


Good night, all.