White Flag - Take 2

Once again, folks, I'm waving the white flag and absolutely no one seems to notice. I really can't take much more without simply crumbling.

Yesterday, Dasha crawled into the van with an ice pack on her finger. When I asked what happened, I sort of lost the story after she told me that another special education student has been escorting her to car line each afternoon. Um, I think this is one of those "blind leading the blind" kind of situations that you should avoid for liability sake. She fell while on this student's watch. The other student told Dasha she needed ice. Dasha obeyed and followed her to the clinic which was closed. Then, the student escorted Dasha to the office. (No teacher had been notified of the fall, yet, even though this is the same place where they call me multiple times in a day to tell me she's fallen). So, the other student then gave Dasha some other directions which she obeyed, as well. By this point, I'd sort of lost track of the possibility that Dasha's finger was really injured because I was so aggrivated about the whole situation. By the time I got to my parents' house to drop Annie off so I could take Grant to music lessons, her finger was swollen and turning blue. Ok. Deep breath. We've had enough sprained fingers in this house to know that this is pretty much SOP for an injured finger. The oddity was that Dasha was crying. This is the same girl that rips earrings right through her ear lobes without wincing and pulls teeth (not loose ones) without any regard to pain. So, if she cries in pain, it probably really hurts.

After a phone call to a friend who works with sports injuries, I splinted the finger and hoped for the best. However, after having to bathe and dress her last night and this morning, I was beginning to think that this might be more than a sprain.

(I haven't contacted the school about the incident yet because I need to rein in my "Mama Madness" before I do something that I'll regret. It really stinks sometimes to work in the same county that your kids attend school in. It's hard to be a faithful employee while also wanting to bang the heads together of other employees for not treating your child like they would want you to treat theirs)!

After a crapalicious morning involving the van doors being frozen shut, me slamming my own dang finger in the door, and then leaving my school work at home, I just wanted a few moments of quiet time. Oh, wait. I work in a small room surrounded by 23 children. Getting a moment of quiet time isn't really feasible.

By the time I sat down to check my emails at 2:45 this afternoon and turn my cell phone on, I saw that the middle school had called about Dasha's finger and had emailed me. Perfect. (The school had also emailed me wanting to know if I ever had Dasha's hearing rechecked. Ugh. Does it ever end)? Anyway, I rushed out the door to go and pick Dasha up from school and then nabbed Grant and Annie along the way.

To make a long story short (ok, I guess it's already long), we ended up at urgent care because our pediatrician's office doesn't do x-rays. Urgent care did a set of x-rays, told us it was broken, and then told us to see a pediatric orthopedist. (If you want to do the math, that's $35 to pediatrician's office to be told we needed to go to urgent care. A $35 copay to the urgent care. And, now, we'll have a $45 copay to the orthopedist). I'm thinking that I'd like to have the teacher that was supposed to be "in charge" of Dasha cover those costs.

I'm just done. I'm tired of trying to be super mom. Heck, I've royally failed at being super mom. Who am I kidding? I'm honestly tired of being plain old mom right now. Yeah, that sounds horrible. My lows have been offset today, though, with Grant's announcement that he made first chair in band (um, I think we "bought" first chair via private lessons) and that he's student of the month (with a celebration that I need to be at tomorrow at 2:30). Ugh. I left early today to go get Dasha. Now, I have to leave early to go celebrate with Grant. I simply don't have enough energy to keep juggling all of this!

My plans when I rolled out of bed this morning? Ha. My plans were to take the kids to dinner tonight to celebrate Dasha's sixth year as part of our family. Six years ago yesterday, we stood before a judge in St. Petersburg, Russia and took her as our own. By this afternoon, honestly, the feelings surrounding that day were shaded with thoughts like, "She would have been better off with the other couple that wanted to adopt her. They had more money, more time, and..." You can see where that thought trail headed. Anyway, we didn't get to celebrate tonight unless you call string cheese sticks and the urgent care center a celebration.

I'm just exhausted. I can't get everything done at school that I need to and with all of the changes, I'm not even sure what I'm really supposed to even get done. I can't keep up with everything that the kids need and, once again, I don't know that I really fully understand what we're supposed to be getting from this whole middle school experience. And, honestly, Christmas has just done me in, too. Between trying to make Santa happen for three kids (You've heard of a hard candy Christmas? This is a Craigslist Christmas), working an extra job, and making sure that my finances will pull us through the end of the year, I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Every time I turn the TV on, there's some sappy Christmas movie with a happy ending where they fall wonderfully in love which just makes things even worse for me. I just want to run into someone's arms, let the armor fall to the ground, and cry for days. If I start crying, I really am worried that I might not quit. I'm tired. I've tried to fight a good fight but it just doesn't ever seem to be good enough. I have to find a way to make this work but how? (Please note, this is NOT a plea for any sort of financial help. While I have greatly appreciated the generosity that others have offered, I'm beginning to feel like a charity case which I am not. I am an able bodied person who has managed to provide for her family's food, shelter, and needs for eight months without missing a single mortgage payment, bill, or other necessity for the kids. Maybe that sounds prideful but considering that I didn't even know how to pay a bill eight months ago or live within the confines of a strict budget, I guess I do take pride in that).

OK. Enough whining. Maybe now that I've logged my complaints here, I can walk away from the keyboard and focus on grading the mound of papers that I fell asleep in last night or figuring out what I can do to recognize all of Grant's achievements this week (he has a major scout ceremony on Saturday where he'll get to move up another rank - not too many 1st class 11 year olds), do something to celebrate Dasha's adoption day, and then celebrate living through another week with Annie and still having all of my fingers and toes attached.

By doing this they will be storing up their treasure as a good foundation for the future so that they may experience true life. I Timothy 6:19

Good night, all.