Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year for so many reasons. But, this Season is also wrapped in layers of memories. Decorations, activities, traditions. They all are bubble wrapped in memories.
At this point in the game, I've managed to get the Christmas tree up (lights but no ornaments) and get the lights across the hedges. Neither of these tasks was easy - physically or emotionally. However, there are three kids residing in this house that take a great amount of comfort from "normal" right now so that's what I'm trying to give them. The tree, the lights, the promise of a trip to see the lights at Life College. It all just makes my stomach churn but brings them joy.
However, I'm also trying to do a few "different" things this year simply because it is different. We've never had an elf visit us at Christmas. I've heard about the elves that visit and cause untold damage to homes and then report back to Santa about the behavior of the kids. Well, I'm sure not about to purposefully let something into my house that is going to cause any more chaos. So, I hand picked an elf from the... where do elves come from? Maybe they come from the far corner of the Cabbage Patch. Who knows... Anyway, I chose an elf with a quiet demeanor that is not given to being overly mischievous. He and I have a deal. If he sits quietly and lets the kids hold him gently, then we'll give Santa a good report. If not, he knows that I'll leave him sitting where the cat can cuddle up with him and do whatever she likes with him.
I'll post more about my struggles with this holiday later. For now, I'm trying to psyche myself up for the next three weeks of school. I'm a huge proponent of teachers getting combat pay for the month of December. I think some parents decide to give their kids Pop Tarts and Mountain Dew every morning and then put their darlings on the bus headed directly toward me. When you enter an elementary classroom in the month of December, you can literally feel the air vibrating with the excitement oozing out of the kids. Yes, there are moments that you want to savor and make last forever when you get a glimpse of the excitement through the eyes of a child. However, there are many other moments when you want to just close your eyes, ball up into the fetal position, suck your thumb, and keep saying, "Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place." The minute I did that, though, I'd find a child standing over me asking, "Can I go to the bathroom?" Whew!
So, the short answer to your emails would be that I'm struggling but it's an inner struggle that hurts in a way that no physical pain could ever cause. Wading through the holidays seems like walking through a mine field. In fact, I guess I sort of feel like a mine sweeper. Some of the mines I run over are duds and don't inflict any damage. However, others that I thought were duds blow up in my face and leave me with shrapnel sticking here and there and take quite a while to recover from. But, I'll press onward because I know that there's something bigger and better on this journey for me and the kids. I'm not sure what the timing looks like on that "bigger and better thing" but I know it's out there and it gives me reason to keep moving.
Philippians 3:13-16
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
Good night, all.
2 comments:
Know you are surrounded & uplifted with prayers. Your journey is one of the toughest possible. So glad there are silver linings to your clouds though. Here's to your new family traditions starting this year 2012. I would like to see several 2012 ornaments on your tree this year! I love your music. xoxo
Susan...I've been there. I know it's tough with kids, but let them dictate the celebrations. I dreaded the first Christmas morning when I was single and it turned out really sweet...I kind of enjoyed not having to deal with another adult on that day. The Christmas that hurt was the next year, when I had to send my son to his dad's at 9am. I literally went back to bed and didn't stop crying until after noon. The last thing you need is to be told what you should be glad about but I'm telling you, you are the fortunate one here. You have those three treasures that do drive you crazy. But you also have their love. And you have all of us who know what a treasure you are. And feel free to tell everyone you are not doing fine. Answer them honestly. And if they don't walk away in horror, just let them give you hugs to help you through.
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