Pillows, aftershave, and broken hearts...

Come on now! Really? If I hear just one more person say, "God never gives you more than you can handle," I might punch them in the face. OK. Maybe I wouldn't punch them but I'd sure give them the evil eye. I'm just plain old tired of hearing people who are clueless about this journey making comments like that. Trying to keep this house pieced together and the kids from organizing a mutiny have just about pushed me over the edge this week coupled with Eric's visit I just turned to emotional mush. I've had several offers to take the kids but my weariness isn't just a result of today's battles. It's from the realization that this is and will be the rest of my life most likely. As I pondered all of the things I'll need to plan for and handle tonight (and forever - like when do I have to pay HOA dues and what happens if I don't - will they stop leaving me nasty notes if I stop paying them?), Annie began an onslaught of questions. She really hasn't had too much understanding of the whole situation other than Daddy goes away for a while and then comes back and takes her to the park or to go swimming. She simply says that he's "at his house in Texas." She has taken this for granted and she thinks this is normal. (OK, the whole ideal that she thinks this is normal is heart wrenching in itself). However, tonight, she started asking real questions. Hey, for a 2 1/2 year old, they were heavy duty! While we sat on my bed tonight watching Dora, she looked to Eric's side of the bed and grabbed his pillow and said, "Oh no! Daddy's pillow! Daddy, come back and get pillow!" I played that one off and just said he left it because he wanted to share it. I thought I'd diverted her. For heavens sake, her favorite episode of Dora was on! Why couldn't she just watch the dumb show and stop with the questions? Then, she said, "I need Daddy come hold me." I tried to calmly tell her that Daddy was in Texas but she just kept on. If you've never spent time with Annie, she's like a broken record until you give her the answer that she wants to hear. She'll repeat the same thing over and over. I finally got up and went to get a load of laundry started in hopes of avoiding the two year old's taunts to my already wounded heart. When I got back to my room with the laundry that needed to be folded (ok, probably ironed and THEN folded), she was standing in my bathroom with Eric's aftershave. Remember the bottle I used to douse his t-shirt that she sleeps with? Yeah, that one! All she said was, "I need a smell Daddy." Game over. There she was standing in her pjs with her little curls hanging down her cheeks with that white bottle of aftershave. I'm not trying to pull heart strings. I'm not trying to be dramatic. However, that scene will forever be burned into my memory. My emotions jerked between wanting to scream at her that he's gone and cuddling her and just sinking to the floor and crying with her. Thank goodness, my senses snapped into gear and I was able to go with Option B. We just sat there and cried. She put aftershave on her legs and then wanted it on her nose. What the heck. Not like we were wasting it. So, she went to bed happy with Daddy's smell. Like I said last time, I sure wish that aftershave worked for me like it does her! I have a feeling, though, that we'll be doing the aftershave routine every night for a while.

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Interuption of your regularly scheduled program...

OK, so this is not Part Deux as promised yesterday. (I guess, officially, that would have been day before yesterday since it's 12:40 a.m.). Anyway, I've been working on cleaning out my old photo bins and I hit pay dirt today. However, as I found the stash of photos and videos I'd been looking for, a surge of raw emotion washed over me and it has just continued to slosh back and forth like the sea over my heart all day long. (Yeah, I know. Salt water and an open wound don't feel great). Anyway, here's a snippet of what I found. I'll get back to the regularly scheduled program eventually. For now, I've taken a detour.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge
Psalm 62:8

 

Excuse me, I think I got the wrong life! Part 1

 From The Princess Bride...

Inigo Montoya: Hello there. Slow going?

Man in Black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

Inigo Montoya: Sorry.

Man in Black: Thank you. 

That's the best I can do tonight. Headed for bed to watch the last several episodes of Glee. I wouldn't even call it a guilty pleasure tonight. I think it's in the category with coping skills, reality avoidance, and distractions. As long as it works, I DON'T CARE! I'll finish part B of "Excuse me, I think I got the wrong life," tomorrow because I'm quite sure that this is NOT what I signed up for!

Defining moments and sinking battleships

What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.
A.W. Tozer

As I started the study guide, it read like this...

"A defining moment often happens when a person comes fact-to-face with a truth about life he's never confronted before. But if we're honest, most of our defining moments happen with truths we've simply been ignoring for a long, long time."

The last line of the chapter read...

"...letting go of what's familiar can be the first step to experiencing a defining moment with truth in your life."

I felt like Dorthy from Jerry Maguire. I just wanted to scream, "You had me at hello!" 

When I don't have answers, I read. This is the danger of having a Kindle. When you finish one book, you don't have to wait for the bookstore to open or Amazon to ship your book. You simply hit, "BUY." I just counted the list of books I have that pertain to marriage and recovery that I've purchased since this all blew up in October. The grand total is 17. And, yes, I've read every one of those darn books. But guess what. Not a single book has given me all of the answers on how to fix things. Do you remember when you found out you were pregnant with your first child? You bought every book you could find. (Those were the old-fashioned days when I had to get in the car and drive to Barnes and Noble)! However, the moment you went into labor, everything you read probably flew out the window. The same holds true for all of those Lamaze courses and informational videos you watched. I think use that "hyperventalative breathing" more during stressful situations such as waiting one of Annie's tantrums out than I ever did during labor! My point is simply that having information doesn't mean you understand it all!


However, when I downloaded Andy's book "Defining Moments," I realized that all of the other books I had read all dealt with the whys of the details of the situation. Those books offered Band Aids for a broken heart. They didn't offer any long-term solutions to heal my heart.


As I begin reading the book, a defining moment is defined as something that happens when you come face-to-face with a truth about life that invites you to change the way you live. It demands a decision on your part and once you reach that moment, no matter what choice you make, your life will never be the same.


Needless to say, I'm in the middle of a defining moment. I'm smack dab in the center of the bull's eye. Although I'm leery to even say it, part of me feels like I'm in the eye of the hurricane. (If that's the truth, to get out of the storm, I'm going to have to weather the outer bands of nastiness again). When I label this Season of my life as one of a defining moment, it really makes me rethink every action I take more carefully. I rarely hit "send" on an email before letting it sit and simmer a few days. I don't engage in conversations without having a clear road map of what I want to say. And I do my darnedest to keep emotions and facts separated to their opposite corners and deal with each entity on its own. So, while I do have days like yesterday that about sink my battleship, I know the importance of where I'm at. The decisions I make right now will have a dramatic impact on my future and that of my family. I have to choose wisely.


While reading all of the information that I can get my hands on from folks who have walked this journey before and have solid Biblical advice, that advice and information is only that - information. I can take all of that and use it to help me make decisions but reading the book doesn't fix anything just as reading the driver's education manual doesn't make you an all-star driver. So, I'll continue to read but will I will stop reading as if I'm looking for a magical answer that will make all of this disappear. I will read to glean information to use to help define the paths and roads that I'll take on this journey. That's scary to me. I'd much rather find the magical spell, speak it, and move on.

I feel like I'm chasing my tail here. Basically, I'm standing in the middle of a defining moment and I have to recognize it for that. I can't make decisions based on my roller coaster emotions or without thought. It's game time and I'm in unknown territory but have to be ready to play. (Does anyone else hear Troy singing 'Get Your Head in the Game)?


For tonight, there won't be any major decisions being made. I'm simply trying to coax Annie to go back to sleep after getting "Get Out of Jail" pass for bed time due to the storms. Her pass is about to expire and she's about to turn back into a pumpkin despite her whines not to go to bed. Argh. Remember the battleship? Someone just called B1 and got a direct hit! Thank goodness it's not my battleship, though. It's just my submarine. It's taking on water pretty bad but, hopefully, a night of rest will give the crew time to make needed repairs!

A Day in the Life: Living on the Edge of Insanity

 6:30 a.m. - "Mama, want milk and eggs!"
I wait a few seconds before crawling from under the covers. I look over to see Grant in the bed (again) curled up and oozing funk all over my pillow. Ugh!
"Mama, where are you?"
I drag myself from bed and go to get Annie only to find that she'd exceeded the load limit in her diaper during the night and her pjs, sheets, and blankets were soaked. Might as well get a load of laundry started before getting those eggs and that milk. After doing that, I changed Annie and headed downstairs to start my morning job as a short-order cook. Annie insists on sitting on the counter to oversee her menu. She even will tell me to put salt and pepper in her eggs. Grant has also taught her to ask for garlic in them "like Daddy makes." Thanks, Grant!

7:30 a.m. - I haul everyone else from their bed (oh, wait, or MY bed) and get ready to go to the gym. I was hoping things would go like yesterday and I'd get to watch a couple of episodes of Glee and walk myself into oblivion. NOT! The gym was packed at 8:00 for some reason. I wanted to go earlier today because yesterday, the Kidz Klub area looked like the outside of a hive of killer bees ready to swarm. I couldn't begin to guess how many kids were crammed in there!

Anyway, I finally got my treadmill and Grant got an elliptical. We figured we'd swap out after a few miles. However, he grew bored and wandered on to other things. I didn't worry. I just kept walking and watching. Then, he came back and said he was bored AGAIN! The little bugger just kept coming back. I was ready to tell him to go park his duff on the bench out front. Anyway, my magical moment alone was lost so I gave up. We picked the girls up and headed home.

9:00 a.m. - I headed to get a shower and left Grant watching Annie and Dasha unloading the dishwasher. Midway through shaving one leg, Grant frantically threw the door open and started yelling at me. Between the water pounding my face and my iPod volume blaring, I couldn't hear him. I resorted to turning the water off, finding a towel and going to investigate the problem (still with one shaven leg and conditioner still in my hair). Dasha had dropped a bowl which had broken into a kazillion pieces and she had simply thrown away the big chunks and left the little shards on the tile floor. Grant was "concerned" that Annie was going to step on them. I think he was more about 20% concerned about Annie and 80% set on getting Dasha into trouble. The whole incident wouldn't be so aggravating except that she dropped the lid to my one good soup pot a few weeks ago and it shattered. She didn't want to tell me so she just threw it all away and then when I went skidding onto the tile floor with naked feet, I was the recipient of some nice glass splinters. Anyway, I parked Dasha on my bed with a book and sequestered Grant and Annie upstairs away from the glass. I hopped back in the shower to get the remaining conditioner out that had not run onto my face and into my eyes. I am still, in fact, walking around with only one shaven leg. I think I need to start alternating which leg I shave first. Then, when these things occur, I could at least even the job out!

10:30 a.m. - I was toying with the idea of going to the zoo today. I have some free passes but by this time, I already felt like I was living in a zoo and really didn't care to risk the temptation of leaving my own monkeys behind at the Atlanta Zoo. We cleaned up a bit and then got lunch ready.

11:30 a.m. - As Annie and I played in the floor, I noticed that the back side of her teeth were almost black. It was embarrassingly gross! How in the world could they look like that? She's never been fond of letting me brush them but I thought I was doing a mediocre job. I knew what I was up against but there was no time like the present. I went for a toothbrush and toothpaste and found a loud bright show on TV to try to distract her. She started off sitting in my lap screaming. By the time it was over, she was laying on the sofa with her head hanging off backwards turning herself blue. Ugh. I gave up for fear she'd make herself pass out. As soon as she was free, she ran straight to Grant. He took her upstairs and put her to bed.

12:30 - I enforced nap time for everyone. I made a few phone calls only to find that the civilized world gets to take a lunch break from 12 - 1 and they don't answer the phone. Perfect.

1:30 p.m. - Annie wakes up with little red dots all under her eyes and on her eye lids. I freak out. My first thought is that she's caught something weird at the gym nursery. I finally get through to the pediatrician's nurse and explain the situation. After some questioning, she tells me that Annie's tantrum over the toothbrush caused blood vessels to burst around her eyes. What the heck? Are you serious? She then just told me to watch her carefully and make sure that I don't see any blood in the whites of her eyes. Yeah. I think I'd notice that - and head to the ER!

2:30 p.m. - I know I need to make a WalMart run but it's the last thing I want. I tell everyone to find their shoes. Annie asks, "Where going?" When I tell her we're going to the store, she informs me that she will walk and not ride in the buggy or stroller. Nice. I just love it when the two year old draws the battle lines before I even know we're going to battle! The WalMart run just about unraveled what was left of my nerves. Yes, I let Annie walk. Grant pushed the buggy and Dasha bumped into everything in her path including a very pregnant lady who gave her the evil eye. What could I do other than apologize? Dasha's personal space seems to be more and more of an issue lately, too. Anyway, Annie demanded a cookie (she's used to Publix) and I tried to divert her attention. The last thing I need in the house right now is cookies! I finally gave in and she picked a dozen cookies from the bakery. Why oh why have my parenting skills gone down the toilet? I can't begin to tell you how many parents I've grumbled about after watching them give into their child's whims to simply make their lives easier! Now, I'm one of them! It cost me $2.99 to avoid a full blown tantrum in the WalMart bakery. Maybe it was worth it today but tomorrow, she might be asking for a pony!

5:00 p.m. - Grant volunteers to cook dinner on the grill. He asked to buy hot dogs in WalMart so he could be the grill-master for the night. So, while he cooked hot dogs and beans on the grill, the girls played in the sand and things were uneventful for a few minutes.

5:30 p.m. - As we sit down to eat, Annie decides that she doesn't want water. She wants Sprite. There isn't any Sprite, though. It's not a common commodity in the house but it is at Grandma's. However, she went into hysterics AGAIN because she wanted Sprite. I set her down from the table only for her to fall in the floor and continue her tantrum. At that point, I just put my plate in the sink. Hot dogs aren't on my top 100 list of food anyway and I sure didn't want to try to eat one while being serenaded by a screeching two year old. I don't really remember how the stand off ended but I can tell you that she didn't get Sprite.

6:30 p.m. - I give up. I tell the kids to get their shoes on. Poor Grant. I could see the look of worry on his face. I think he's always wondering exactly when I'm really going to snap and lose it! We ended up going to the park for a couple of hours. While watching Dasha and chasing Annie is exhausting, there's no whining or tantrums and I know that they'll be worn out in time for bed. (Oh yeah, there was another tantrum with the putting on of the shoes! One of Annie's toenails was hanging off and I needed to clip it. She only wanted Daddy to clip it though. Hmmmm.... Not gonna work).

7:00 p.m. - J.J. Biello Park West. I love this park. Grant loves to sled on the hills on cardboard boxes. There are swings that Dasha can swing on. And Annie, well, Annie is pretty much the master of her universe here.

9:00 p.m. - I try to quickly shower Annie off just to wash the playground funk off of her. While I wash her hair (she screams like you're water-boarding her), I gave her the poufy thing with some soap to wash her legs with. Of course, when she starts flailing about the water in her face, she puts the soap in her eyes. Duh. I know better! Mark that down as tantrum #142 today. She turned herself blue for this rendition, too, though!

9:30 p.m. - The monkeys are all in bed. I still have mounds of laundry to finish and some paperwork to get done but, hey, it is quiet!

And this, is a day in my life. With the drama with Annie today, there wasn't much time for emotions. I'm just numb today. Maybe that's a good thing. Annie's pleas for Daddy to cut her nails about pushed me over the edge and Grant's demands about how to correctly season the beans and cook the hot dogs echoing Eric's words about did the same but I think my sheer frustration shadowed any chance of that happening. I'm SO ready to go back to my school routine. At school, everyone has something to do and we're not sitting at home trying to figure out what to do that's cheap (free) and I have a bit of a break! Going to the pool isn't too much fun for me because Annie hangs to me like Velcro and you can't take your eyes off of Dasha. The park is great once it cools down. Bowling doesn't work out too well with all three. Even inside playgrounds like Chick-fil-A aren't great because Grant doesn't enjoy that too much, Annie gets lost in the tubes, and Dasha has a hard time even climbing through them. The library is good for at least once a week. The spray park in Roswell is good for a once a week trip, too. I'm thinking about trying the dollar movie in the morning. I figure I can let Annie run loose in the atrium while the big kids watch the movie if she won't stay still (highly likely). I'm running out of coupons for free activities and even the cheap ones are at least $40 for all of us to go! Any suggestions? Man! How many more weeks of break? Blah!

A broken spirit who can bear it?
Proverbs 18:14

Dasha's world

Confusion is the only word I can attach to it. What is it? Dasha's world. (nothing like Wayne's World)

OK - I'm admitting right now that I've deleted this post three times now. I don't want anyone to think that we don't love Dasha dearly or appreciate who she is and what her potential is. But, some days, I'm just frustrated.

Lately, Dasha has seemed to sink deeper and deeper into her own strange little world. She chews on things like a new puppy. Yesterday, I caught her gnawing on the remote like it was a chew toy. Today, she was putting lotion on her hands and licking it off. The pediatrician has noted pica as a viable diagnosis but why does it come in waves? It seems like the more stressed out she is, the weirder her cravings become. We've tried strong vitamins to combat any vitamin deficiencies. We've used hundreds of tactile / sensory speciality items for her to chew on but nothing seems to beat a good old fashioned pencil, eraser, or even staples! While I say that sarcastically, please understand that my frustration goes beyond HER. My frustration lies in the WHY and I have a hard time keeping the two separate sometimes.

Hundreds of tests over the last five years have shown that she has processing issues. Basically, she needs instructions written down so she can look back at them. This is tough when I have two other kids who need my attention, though. A simple, "Please go get your library book and read," goes unheeded. But, when I discover Dasha in her room playing with her microphone (after waking Annie up) instead of reading her book, she acts as if she's been caught. When I asked her what she was supposed to do, she says, "I don't remember." For real? I gave her one task. I admit that many times, I feel like she plays me. How in the world can she remember the exact order of notes to play a song on the piano by memory, the exact channel numbers on the TV, and other things but can't remember to go get a book? Yes, the psychologists have proposed so many different answers and justifications but none of them make too much sense.

However, today, as I watched Dasha repeatedly lick the edge of the cup I'd just served her a smoothie in and then begin licking the outside of the cup and then her hand, I had the realization that she seems to be slipping deeper into "Dasha's world."

I know she does much better with the structure of the school year so I've had her working on math and reading. I know she can't very well verbalize her emotions so I've asked her to write letters and draw pictures. I've read every book I can find on sensory disorders, cerebral palsy, and even autism. None of them have any magic answers and the pediatricians and psychologists can't offer much help, either. They all seem to shy away from making a diagnosis on a child that spent her first six years in an institution, has CP, and spoke Russian until she was six. Geez.

It's nights like this, though, that just about do me in. Annie wanted me to read her a book. Dasha wanted to read, too. No big deal. We all piled in my bed. (Grant was at scouts). For Annie, "reading" a book means having in-depth discussions about the pictures and not actually reading the words. Dasha wasn't happy about this and started pushing Annie's hands away from the book. I tried to gently intervene and keep the atmosphere light until Dasha pushed so hard that Annie nearly fell off the bed. When I asked Dasha if she realized that she could have hurt Annie, she just continued to tell me that she wanted me to read the book and not talk about the pictures. Never did she admit that she could have hurt Annie.

Eric and I have used the term to her that, "It's not all about you," over and over again. It's kind of like she's stuck in that ego-centric world of a three-year old. But I'm beginning to get worried. First, she started hurting my cat. I knew I needed to monitor her more closely at that point. Now, she's showing aggressive tendencies toward Annie. Perfect.

My mom is baffled by my stories because she never sees this when she's alone with Dasha. That's the whole point. When Dasha is the center of attention, these behaviors are non-existent. News flash - she can't constantly be the center of attention in my life right now.

As I said, please hear that I do love Dasha. I'm just so frustrated with her actions right now and they are simply getting worse. I'm willing to wager that much of it is due to the stress of our lives right now but that can't be a justification to hurt others! Ugh! If this is what summer vacation brings, what will the first week of middle school look like? (Can I order Prozac in bulk for myself now)?

Next week, Dasha will attend a special needs camp for a few hours a day. I am hopeful that the structure and fun will help her bounce back a little bit.

As I continue to climb around in the cobwebs of my own personal life, days like this with Dasha just make me want to crawl under the covers and sink into the depths of depression. As I see it, though, I don't really have that option. Onward and upward I must go for fear of stalling and falling out of the sky like a lead weight!

Now, after getting both girls tucked into bed, I must go deal with another upset child who has decided that he does NOT want to go to camp (too late), that he can't play video games (who cares), and who wants to know if going to live with Daddy is an option (insert knife in heart and twist). I know this Season will pass but I'm sure hoping El Nino will do some trickery and move things along a little quicker to the next Season (assuming the next one will be better).

For tonight, please just do me a favor. If you know a single mom out there, do something thoughtful for them tomorrow. Whether they are single because their husband has been deployed, they are widowed, or they are divorced, or whatever, just do something thoughtful - an email, a pizza, an extra prescription for Prozac, or a new bottle of Benadryl for their kids. Throughout my years in the classroom, I've watched many families go through tough times but I never thought to reach out in any way beyond saying, "Let me know if you need anything." They aren't going to "let you know." Just do it. I'm not saying that to get your sympathy. I'm just realizing how many moms have struggled through this right in front of my eyes and I never even had a clue how hard it was! I just always compared it to when Eric was gone on a business trip. I have to tell you that it's quite different when there's not a return date stamped on the ticket.

As a side note, this morning, in the continuing saga of my "A-ha" moments, I realized that I could walk on the treadmill, elliptical, and stair climber while watching Netflix from my phone. I think it was the only time today that I wasn't interrupted - yeah, even in the bathroom! It was heavenly!

New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating - a little too late

The present will be your past, but it will be present in your future.

 OK, I'm really getting tired of the Homer Simpson moments. "Doh!" Why is it that I'm getting all of this information now? This sure would have helped about, let's say, a year ago! Man!

New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating

Changing lanes...

 

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Proverbs 29:17

Today has been a VERY long day with Grant. He seems to be stuck somewhere in between childhood and manhood. He has the heart knowledge of a grown man most times but can't put that knowledge into full practice because he doesn't have a full understanding of the ways of man. (Thank goodness)!

As we began packing his locker for camp today, the bravado and humor which he was overly full of suddenly drained from his body. For all of the knowledge and experience he has with scouts, he's never been one to like to be away from home. He knows that he'll be away for six nights - on his own. He knows that he'll have multiple duties and responsibilities to tend to. He knows that he can't text me all day long for comfort. The reality of this year's camp experience dawned on Grant as we gathered his camp items. Despite all of the knowledge you have about a situation, without having the full understanding of what will be, it all comes crumbing down. Having knowledge does NOT mean having understanding. Grant has a very solid knowledge of what this year's camp experience will be like but he doesn't have a full understanding of how it will work out for him. Right now, he's trying to change lanes between having that knowledge and putting it into application as understanding.

I can really relate right now. I'll keep it simple. I have full knowledge of what's going on in my life right now but I'm really lacking understanding. I don't like that. Knowledge is useless unless you can apply it. I read the driver's license manual over and over again and aced the written test. However, when I went to put all of those rules and regulations into practice, it didn't work so well. (The examiners took pity on me on my 3rd attempt to get my license). I can pump all of the useless test information into my students' heads and teach them the test over and over again but until they can make application of those skills, they are absolutely useless. I get it. Completely. For my driver's test, I gained understanding through practice. For my students, I try to make lessons relevant to real world situations and give them a reason to want to know why things are the way they are. But, how the heck do I turn knowledge into understanding in this situation? How do I gracefully change lanes? I feel like I'm learning to drive a 5-speed again and jerking and stalling constantly. Practice makes perfect surely won't apply. And the relevant lessons seem pretty useless, too.

Tonight, Grant and I both seem to be trying to make lane changes. While Grant can ask some questions and hopefully get more understanding about his situation, I'll wait patiently (or try to) and hope that my swerving from lane to lane without a blinker won't get me killed! (Or, I'll just stay on I-285 and no one will ever even notice that I'm swerving since that's the norm)! :)

As a side note, thanks to a real friend who showed up out of the blue to simply encourage me tonight. I absolutely love those friends that never expect to see your house looking spotless and don't care if you're wearing your pjs. They come on in and make themselves at home. If they can't find a place to sit, they simply shove the toys to the floor and don't even flinch when Cheerios roll out from under the pile or a sippy cup full of solidified milk rolls from under the sofa as the toys get shuffled around. Those are the folks I need surrounding me right now! Thanks!

Pizza and drug dealing monkeys

 

I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares
Jeremiah 30:17

I went out tonight. I left the kids with my parents. The plan was to go get pizza and go to a movie. I can't think of the last movie I saw in a theater other than Grown Ups and that was quite a while back. Sitting still is not my forte and spending tons of money to sit still is even farther down my chain of desires. However, a pizza and a movie sounded like what normal people do so I went for it. I even decided to see the movie that everyone else seems to be seeing - Hang Over 2. I admit that I tried watching the first one but couldn't finish it because it upset me to see them treating a baby so badly even if it was just a movie and hearing the F word repeated over and over again really bothered me. Anyway, we had the pizza. Check. We went to the movie. Check. Wow. That's about where the checks stopped. Throughout the movie, I kept finding myself feeling very uncomfortable with the content and the language. I kept telling myself that my stupid naivety is what caused so many of my problems and that this is what real adults watch so I sat there. I lost count of how many times I tried to calm my conscious. Every other word was F and I lost count of how many naked appendages I saw. I kept thinking that maybe if I'd been more permissive of movies like this that my life would be different. If I was more open to worldly ways, things might not be like this. If, if, if... The movie ended. (I won't even begin to tell you what my conscious was shouting while the credits rolled and the "found" photos scrolled past. If you've seen the movie, you understand). But despite the feeling that I was being naughty or that I was going to get caught (that's always a dead give away that you're doing something you shouldn't if you fear getting caught), I kept trying to silence those "goody goody" feelings. Maybe if I'd been more adventurous and less of a goody goody, things would be different. Argh!

As I drove to get the girls, I cried. I cried for watching a movie that really didn't bring any integrity to my life. I cried for thinking that I was "left behind" because of not being wild and crazy enough. I cried for thinking that "she" does all of those things the right way. I cried because I want to fix it but don't have the power. I cried because I'm tired of wondering, "Why?" Ultimately, though, I cried because in an attempt to try to figure this out, I compromised ME. Once again, I can so totally see why women do crazy things when they're in this kind of situation. I guess in my naive little world, you could count tonight as something wild and crazy. Ha. At least I don't think I did any permanent damage other than being dreadfully fearful of little Caputian monkeys now!

I'm trying. I really am. I want to find normal again but I simply don't have a reference point. OK, that's not true. I do have core values to build on and guide me but... So, I'm whining. I'll stop. I'm going to bed to dream of weird drug dealing monkeys coming to get me while shouting vulgarities at me and possibly a silent monk standing nearby to watch the scene unfold and then crack me across the back with a bamboo stick if I shout out! (If you haven't seen the movie, never mind)!

A picture says a thousand words...

Until I get my sea legs again and can separate fact from emotion, I'm going to stay away from words. One thing that I've learned over the last few months is that when I have unanswered questions, I usually fill in those gaps with anger and then make up my own answers which are usually Emmy winning drama scenes. I really am trying to grow and mature through this process even though I'd rather throw myself in the floor and pitch a holy roller tantrum!

The picture speaks a thousand words and applies to the entire house tonight. There are some things even Mama can't fix with the hot glue gun. Some questions, Mama can't answer. Some hurts, I can't make go away even with a dose of Tylenol, a Band Aid, and a hug.

Crossroads

In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth

Psalm 31:1-5

This sums it up!

When all else fails, I LOVE this website and always find something that makes me laugh!
perpetualkid.com

And that's all I got to say about that. ~Forest Gump

Why?

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Proverbs 27:5

Not sure how this verse fits right now. I can swing it a hundred different ways in my head. This is just the verse that came through on my daily email. Hmmm...

Anyway, I'm so glad day one is over with. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't. The minute I heard his voice downstairs, I welled up with tears. What a nutcase I am sometimes! Anyway, the deal was that he would take the kids to the neighborhood playground for an hour while I "ran errands" and then he'd drop Annie off with me and take the big kids back to the pool for an hour. Sounds reasonable.

The first part of the plan was thwarted from the start since I was literally trying to escape the house before I started sobbing. Only, when I cleared the threshold and looked up, I saw that he'd driven her car. Not his truck. He brought a physical piece of her into my driveway (never mind the emotional / mental stuff he'd brought with him). I don't know why in the world it matters but for some reason, it was just another humbling realization that I'm definitely walking a journey that I thought I'd never be on. I didn't even clear the driveway before the tears started. I don't know why I cried. (I don't know why I'm crying now). I drove aimlessly up and down Towne Lake Parkway for a while and then decided to randomly walk around Tuesday Morning (a new bargain spot for me). I ended up texting a friend who is walking a similar road and she humored me for the remaining 20 minutes I had to kill.

I finally headed back home to make the switch of children. Eric took Annie to start her bath while I helped Dasha straighten her bathing suit out. (It has a criss crossed back and she'd decided it would be a good idea to put the criss cross in the front! I wish I was making it up! It was like something Madonna would wear)! While the big folks headed to the pool, Annie and I sat and watch Dora. Oh to have a map as easy to read as Dora's. She always has three check points and very clear directions. Man!

Oh well. Annie is now in bed (and fever free for now) and the big kids are... I don't know. I don't hear any blood curdling screams so I'm going to assume that things are ok for now.

Basically, I have figured out what's really upsetting me, though. In the last twenty years, I've been thorough some real crap. I've had my utilities turned off, a car repossessed, stood in line for Medicaid and used said care to deliver a baby, dealt with a critically ill child, buried her, adopted a special needs child from overseas, dealt with health and psychological issues with that child, watched my Dad's health deteriorate after a stroke, tried to rebuild a marriage after an affair, and now this. Not once in my life have I questioned God - until now. That's scary to me. I can completely understand why people in these situations turn to destructive things to cover the pain. I never understood why women jumped from one bad relationship to the next but I sure do now. I never understood why women started drinking during times of struggle, but I do now. Like I said earlier, if I didn't have three little eyes watching me, I'd be so tempted to step out of my comfort zone (or what's left of it) and do something to hide and cover the pain. Right now, I'm struggling to keep things centered and remember that God is in control over all of this and IF He wants this to end, he can simply speak it just as he did in the middle of the sea during the storms. (Dang it, I'd be throwing folks overboard like they did Jonah, though, to try to figure out what the problem was). Anyway, this is where I find myself tonight. Knowing that the kids desperately need time with their Daddy who still loves them but trying to wall up my own heart to avoid any more damage AND trying to separate what my heart wants, what I want, and what is RIGHT and full of integrity.

I have no stones to throw back, though. So, for all of you that are encouraging me to jump on the The Heck with Him bandwagon, I won't be riding. Thank you very much. I don't wish him harm. There are days when I'd sure like to give him a piece of my mind but I don't want harm to befall him (or her). I just want what is Right and Holy to prevail. To some of you, that makes you sick. So be it. If it makes you sick, stop reading. This is my blog / journal with my thoughts that weren't really filtered for a specific audience. Marriage was designed in a very specific manner for a very specific reason. I will do everything within my power to hold up my end of the bargain despite my role in tearing quite a bit of it apart. I believe the saying was, "Till death do us part." OK, yeah, that was a little creepy. Don't call the mental health hot-line on me yet. I'm not taking drastic measures! But the vows were not a joke. They were binding. Binding by God and the worldly authorities. I dare you to try to break a contract with AT&T without them laughing in your face. They know that when you signed on the dotted line, you're stuck! (Maybe that was a bad example. You can pay AT&T a butt-load of money and they'll let you go)! But please stop inviting me to jump on He's so Stupid bandwagon. That's not where I need to be or want to be.

On a brighter note, I already have plans in place to meet someone at the gym tomorrow night during the "visitation" to avoid driving around town by myself and having half of the city calling 9-1-1 to tell them an escaped asylum patient is behind the wheel and roving around town! Hopefully, this will also combat my insane need to eat junk food right now! I've ridded the house of anything closely related to chocolate but I'm at the stage where I'd eat just about anything to simply eat! Not what I need!

Anyway, I'm headed to bed with a cup of tea where I have a Netflix movie queued up and ready to go. Whew!

Afternoon musings...

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. . . . Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5)

A crash helmet. That's what I need. To think that God knew when I was five years old and learning to drive this go-cart (while Dad kept shouting, "Brake," and I kept pushing the gas) that I'd be in this exact spot in my life today. There's that darn human part that wants to think, "Why can't He just snap his fingers and fix this mess?" But, the other part of me knows that life journeys just don't work that way. Life is NOT a choose your own adventure book. I can guarantee you that I would have trashed this book a long time ago! Every adventure I choose seems to end up in shambles!

Up with a feverish baby most of the night. Grant was piled in bed on one side of me and Annie on the other. Up every two hours alternating Motrin and Tylenol and requests for water and then separate requests for water with ICE! I'm physically tired but my mental capacities are spent. My mental wheels spun all night. At one point, I fought the urge to spray WD40 into my ears to lubricate the wheels so I might be able to fall asleep and ignore the squeaking and grinding of steel.

Anyway, we all finally crawled from the rubble about 8:00 this morning and I started trying to clean up with a whining feverish toddler clinging to me and two older kids darting from room to room trying to stay under the radar. Why is it so important for me to clean the house up for him? Do I want him to believe that things stay perfectly in place and spotless despite three children running around? Sometimes I really wonder what motivates my actions. (Kind of scary that I can't answer my own questions)! When I started biting children's heads off because I wanted them cleaning instead of watching TV, I realized I'd reached my boiling point and I needed to release the pressure valve before I really lost it. I gave up on cleaning and fixed lunch.

Currently, one child is folding laundry. One is sleeping in my bed with Annie (fever spiked again). And I am about to make myself a cup of tea and read through some of my favorite craft blogs. There's not a darn thing wrong with sitting still and relaxing OR letting him see the house and yard for what it is - a mess!

Today's distractions...

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8)

1) Finished cleaning out the other half of the file cabinet drawer. Found a file marked "WIFE" with odds and ends in it. One piece of paper had notations from our phone call with the Russian doctor with stats about Dasha. Born at 29 weeks, 5th pregnancy, 3rd delivery, 37 cm, 1.5 kg, no prenatal, rolled over at 10 months, sat up at 2 years. OK, that puts things into perspective today.

2) Checked off all of my errands by 11:00 this morning including mailing packages, exchanging a picture that Ritz camera chopped in half but boxed up for me anyway, transferring car title (paid off months ago but never transferred it - duh), Grant's camp physical (with the girls in tow - very interesting), Home Depot run for a PVC cutter (um, did you know you can melt PVC with a dull hacksaw?), and finally home again to put the playhouse together.

3) Kept busy trying to clean the house up and put things away but cleaning with Annie around is like shoveling snow in a snowstorm.

4) Realized Annie had a fever and gave her Tylenol and gave myself permission to collapse on the sofa with her while Grant was at Scouts and Dasha was coloring.

5) Trying not to focus on the fact that Eric crossed the state line an hour ago and will see the kids tomorrow night. Why do I allow those darn butterflies to flutter like that? There's no need for them. Those butterflies should have flown south two months ago.

Heading to bed for now knowing that whatever bug Annie has will probably encroach her sleep and land her in my bed which means laying in the dark with the computer off. Not what I look forward to. (Don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle up with Annie when she gives me the opportunity. I just don't relish having her in my bed where I have to force myself into a traditional mode of "sleep" when I know those circumstances just set me up for a very long and restless night).

Needed: Memory zapper from Men in Black

Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
Philippians 3:13-14

So, the morning started with a bang but the evening is ending with a wee bit of excitement as I anticipate a fun craft with the kids tomorrow morning. I'd been looking for the girls a playhouse for quite some time. Those darn Little Tikes ones are cute but bulky and expensive (even used) and I need something that can be taken down pretty easily to. After doing some research, I found a pattern to make a really cut house using PVC pipe. We'll see how it goes. I can at least get the frame done tomorrow but sewing the "walls" will probably take a few nights. But, that's ok. It gives me something constructive to do!

I did finish sorting through one of the file cabinet drawers after my melt down this morning, though. I can mark that off of my list. My "A-Ha" moment came when I figured out why photos and other memories cause me such pain. My entire life was built around and on memories of things we did, places we went, stuff we said, etc. Now, I wonder how many of those things were really authentic. For example, the picture above was taken at Palo Duro Canyon in TX. I snapped this shot hanging out of the van window because it was beginning to drizzle and the kids were getting tired. We couldn't even get to the floor of the canyon due to flooding. To an outsider, the event was nothing historical. However, it was the first time I'd seen raw beauty like this. I was overwhelmed with the beauty of the canyon. I'd filed these memories in a very special place even though my family probably never even knew that it meant that much to me. However, after finding out that "they" shared a lengthy visit to the canyon, too, I had to dump all of my memories out of the window because the context in which I'd filed them included sentimental feelings about our reason for even being in TX at the time. It was just another memory that I'd had to crumple up. Yeah, I could "re-frame" the memory in a different context as the counselor said but I'd rather not even think about the place anymore. Lord only knows what went on there on his second trip that sure didn't go on there with three grumpy hungry kids and a minivan. (I called him for hours that day trying to find him thinking that he might be laying dead somewhere. I even called his neighbor and co-workers to look for him). Zip. Memory deleted. (Yeah, whatever! I wish I had one of those zapper things like they have in Men in Black that deletes memories. I don't know how far back I'd zap but I'd sure zap enough out to avoid the mess I'm in now)!

This is why everything is so tumultuous. Every memory I have is now shadowed with wondering if he shared (or will share) the same things with her. What happens if they have kids together? Will all of the memories of him helping deliver our babies be tainted, too? What about our kids? Will they become just a memory to him? What about our wedding night? Ha! We dated for nearly six years but had "saved ourselves." Nope, that precious memory even has soot on it now after knowing about their "first night." Renting our first apartment, what fun that was to be an "adult" and find our own home. I vividly remember looking at the model and dreaming about how I could make it a "home" for us. Nope. Memory wiped out the moment "they" got their first apartment. It's not fair that I have to give up so many beautiful memories. And, I know many of you are thinking how dumb I am for letting him have this much power over my emotions. Well, until you've walked in these shoes, don't judge. Almost the last 20 years of my life have been built on and framed around these memories. Now, as I begin to pluck memories out of the corners which are sullied by the current situation, the Jenga blocks are beginning to sway and swoon like they might just collapse at any moment. I can't let that happen, though. I can't let myself or the kids get trapped under all of the rubble.

So, as I feared, with the extra time and unstructured hours of summer, my mind has time to meander and wander down memory lane despite knowing it's the wrong road to take right now. I must find things to fill my time (such as constructing buildings out of PVC pipe). Tonight, I'm not heading to bed with dread that I'm expected to lay still and quiet for the next eight hours and fight the memories that taunt me each night. I'm going to bed with my head swimming with ideas of how to design a covering for the girls' playhouse. Did you know that you can even build bunk beds, sofas, and swing sets with PVC and the stuff only costs pennies? Hmmm.... I might just have a new living room set by the end of summer after all! It gives a whole new meaning to "design on a dime."

Goodnight.

FAIL x 10

OK, let me see if I can get this all straight...

1) I set my alarm for this morning but didn't realize I had the volume turned all the way down. Fail. After a sleepless night, double FAIL.

2) Yesterday, I changed my sheets. This morning, Annie took her diaper off while watching cartoons in my bed and peed on the bed. FAIL.

3) I managed to get everyone out of the house for church and then slammed my fingers in the van door. FAIL.

4) Dropped Annie off in the nursery and had to take Dasha with me into service since they no longer offer a class for her at the 9:00 hour. FAIL.

5) Jeff Henderson was preaching this morning. Fail. (OK - My brain said fail, my heart knew otherwise.). Jeff is the pastor at one of the other Northpoint campuses. However, before joining Northpoint, he worked for Truit Cathy. Yeah, THE Truit Cathy of Chick-fil-A. Jeff worked in the marketing department. So, let's just talk about all of the raw nerves I have when this guy simply stands up. Eric worked with Chick-fil-A. It was his dream job. He was in marketing. Chick-fil-A alone makes my heart feel raw. The folks Eric worked with weren't just employers, they were family. I never realized how true that was until everything happened. Anyway, so Jeff is standing on stage, ready to deliver the message and I look over to see Dasha scratching in inappropriate places like she's digging for buried treasure. I'll admit her actions were at least a distraction to me! :) Jeff's message was on encouragement. I won't paraphrase the entire message. However, let's just say that the entire time, my heart kept screaming, "Where the heck was this message six months ago? This information could have saved us!" I left church feeling defeated. I just kept seeing how so many things could have been different. At one point during service, I really wanted to stand up and scream, "But what if it's too late?" My heart still says FAIL even though I know the message was for me. (Go to http://www.northpoint.org/messages/life_apps and check out the last message).

6) Trying to get the girls' lunch ready, I aimlessly flip on the TV. It just happened to be on gmc (left over from some drama I watched last night). What movie was on? Fireproof. What scene was it? The scene where John Waller's song "While I'm Waiting" begins to play and you watch a firefighter climbing up an extended ladder on a truck into the sky. Perfect. More fodder for my aching heart. FAIL.

7) Trying to reorganize all of the files in the cabinet to accommodate my own blommosimg style or keeping bills in order. Of course, I come across an old file with letters from Eric. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I even begin reading them? I knew better! It's like I just wanted to cry some more! (Thank goodness Annie was asleep and Dasha was busy). It was like I could hear him saying those things to me. Needless to say, the last part of the file cabinet still didn't get done. FAIL.

8) I'm in serious need of a Snuggie for my heart today. I knew that once the routine of school was gone and the demands of the last months were aside, I'd have some roller coasters to deal with but this is just beyond reasonable. I can SO completely see why people run to alcohol, bad relationships, and other nastiness to simply cover up this sort of pain. Those things would all be so much easier. And, I'll admit, if I didn't have three kids in tow that seem to watch my every move, I'd be pretty tempted to try some of those pain killers! FAIL.

9) Grant will be home in less than an hour which means I have to stuff all of these emotions back down inside of me. I feel like I've unleashed Pandora's box and now I have to try to capture all of the uglies and put them back in the box. FAIL.

10) I have to stop living in the "why" of all of these emotions and figure out the "how" of moving on. I don't want to. I want to sit and stomp my feet and demand that things go back to "normal" - whatever that is. FAIL.

I'm sure by tonight, I will have come up with some positives like finishing cleaning the garage out or finishing the other projects that I'm determined to wrap up today. For now, I'm going to get ready to go pick up a stinky boy that's been in the woods without a real potty or shower. I'd better take a bottle of Febreeze along, too, and leave the lid of the washing machine open and ready for clothing that smells and probably looks like toxic waste! Fun! I'm sure he'll sleep the rest of the day, though!

Roller coasters

After this morning's rant, I'm really kind of spent and don't have a lot to say. The last couple of days have been a roller coaster. One day, I think I'm on the uphill climb and I stay perilously peaked at the top of the track. The next day, I'm slammed downward straight toward the ground.
There are very few days when my track runs parallel with the ground. Those are the days I yearn for - to feel some emotional stability and not constantly feel like the smallest little thing could make my roller coaster plummet toward the ground.

After Grant left this morning (I still haven't heard from him), I knew it would be a rough day. However, I didn't anticipate Dasha's antics and I can never anticipate what Annie might decide to do. My parents took the girls for a couple of hours this afternoon and gave me a few minutes to at least run to WalMart without little chaperones (one who prefaces a trip to the "store" by saying that she'll walk and not ride in the buggy or stroller). After a few moments of standing in the fabric section of WalMart, I gave up and went home to work on laundry and finishing up a couple of other projects. I ended up making Annie some cute little dresses from bandannas (who knew) which at least made me feel like I'd accomplished something for the day constructive.

Every single book I read and everyone I talk to who has walked this journey tells me that the highs and lows will eventually even out. Ugh. That can't happen soon enough, though. And next week will be a major trial for me. Eric will be here for a few days to visit with the kids. Why is it that simply hearing his voice can be my undoing? I get so mad at myself for these responses and then I feel embarrassed and try to hide them which just makes things worse. While the kids definitely need some time with him, the visits are like salt in my open wounds. I feel like a slug on the sidewalk and Beaver Cleaver is pouring salt all over me! Hopefully the highs and lows of this will soon equalize but this will be a major struggle for me. (Some stupid little part of my brain keeps spinning these tales that he's going to walk in the door and things are going to suddenly go back to normal. Didn't say that was even remotely true - I believe the term used was 'not a snowball's chance in heck' - but that part of my brain that craves routine, security, and comfort just keeps playing delusional tricks. I wish I could turn that little part off or convince it that the other sensible parts of my brain are going to stage an ousting to stop the lies). While the big kids will understand when it's time for Daddy to leave, Annie won't and it will just renew her questions and pleas for him. (That, of course, tugs on my heart-strings which causes me to melt down and the whole dang cycle starts again)! While I know it's not completely true, some days, I think death would be easier to deal with than this in and out situation. I'd know where my place was in the world and that little romantic piece of my brain would turn itself off.

Anyway, these are the things that I ponder as I head for bed tonight - riding the roller coaster over and over again, turning off that dumb, unintelligent piece of my brain that believes things will work out, and beginning to Saran wrap my emotions for Eric's visit. The dreams these thoughts will bring won't be conducive to much sleep but maybe I'll bump into the "man behind the green curtain" during my dreams and I can ask him to disengage the romantic side of me - at least for the time being.

Anonymous idiot...

OK, today is not the day to screw with me. Just to set the record straight, Blogger has confirmed Anonymous' identity. Ms. Anonymous is using her work account to make these degrading posts so I could hand over the IP addresses and let her company deal with her. However, I was trying to take the higher road but it might just be too much of a stretch today.

Once again, my children are everything to me - especially right now. I cling to them in an unhealthy way and I'm the first to admit it. Pardon me for wanting my son to have his needs met. And, if you'd read the post carefully, you might have seen that I said there would be consequences for his actions.

As for Dasha, let me give you a little more insight. I just cleaned up cat poop from where she squeezed the cat so hard she pooped everywhere. This is after the incident of her wanting to cuddle the cat and then continually hitting the cat because it didn't want to sit still. Hmmmm??? You think this behavior is acting just like her dad? Wow! I'll remind you that I have 3 education degrees and I know when a child starts abusing animals that it means real trouble. SO, that's where I am with Dasha - REAL TROUBLE! Would you like me to send you my cat for protection? OR, maybe you'd prefer me to wait until she starts taking her pent up rage out on Annie. So, now on top of all of the other drama that seems to beget this family, I'm having to deal with an even bigger psychological problem with Dasha than just her pica, emotional / social and physical limitations and issues that were already present. I so truly appreciate you adding to my growing frustrations this morning. (As I was sitting here trying to figure out how to pay the remainder of the month's bills and worrying about making ends meet, I saw the blog alert pop up with "Anonymous." You are no longer Anonymous, though).

And, as for the mystery texter, the last picture you sent was traceable. Duh! When you use Google Maps to send pictures of houses, those pictures still carry their origin information.

Anonymous, I hope you have a wonderful afternoon seeing as how you're so darn perfect. You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5 Until you can get that darn 2X4 from your own eye, leave mine alone. I'll tend to my own wounds and those of MY family without your help. Thanks!

Snookered...

There wasn't a blog entry last night for a very good reason. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in between the yellow lines and I knew quite well that anything I posted last night, I'd have to delete this morning! It was one of those days.

Grant was preparing for a backpacking trip. Eric is an expert in this area. I am not. Grant convinced me he needed $50 of food and a new tent (thank you, Tuesday Morning for $30). I fell for it. I shelled out almost $100 to cover his "necessities" for a trip thinking that I didn't want my baby roaming around in 95 degree weather without all of the necessities he needed. The boy snookered me. He definitely didn't "need" a tent and most of the food items he demanded were also beyond necessity. Why did he do that to me? How was I to know? (There will definitely be consequences for the boy but for now, I'm left with a frustrated heart)! Eric should be here dealing with this. He knows the ins and outs of backpacking and would have quickly laughed at Grant when he announced his check list for the trip. Yeah, he video chatted with him about the details and texted him but it's just not the same and being here to actually see him struggling to get the 30 pound (or more) pack strapped on his back but wouldn't let me help him lessen his load (physically and emotionally). My heart just kept cycling through anger, bitterness, sorrow, and sheer frustration.

While all of the camping checklist items were being purchased, I was trying to get Annie's old clothes together to take to the consignment shop, as well. She wasn't very excited about the task which meant she was pulling at me and whining incessantly. Aaahhhhh!!!! After dropping off two huge totes of clothes to the consignment shop, they offered me $10. Seriously? I took all of the clothes and left. Maybe I'll find time to Craig's List them.

Dasha, well, Dasha was being Dasha. Anyone who knows her can tell you that she needs consistent structure or she just gets loony. Structure is the one thing that I've been lax on for the last couple of days. I don't want to have everything hyper-scheduled for the first week of my break! So, Dasha has been eating weird things (erasers, sticks, paper, pencils) and acting like she's two years old. All of that sure didn't help my overall attitude. (I did manage to enroll her in camp for the same week Grant will be at BSA camp - whew)!

Anyway, you can see how my day went. It was one speed bump after another and I think I was the speed bump. It was one of those days when I continued to question, "Why," and then want to pinch myself in disbelief that I'm in this predicament. I know my contributions to our marriage were never what they should have been but how could someone just walk away? It doesn't make any sense to me! Annie saw a commercial on TV this morning with a baby and its daddy and she said, "My Daddy go swing and slide at the park. Not hug." Really. That was at 6:45 this morning. It's kind of hard to move on past that. Annie is his complete mini-me! I don't know how to parent her. She's 99% his and 1% mine. I don't understand her daredevil ways or her persistent spirit. That's just not me. He commented so many times that he was excited to see what she could become. It was important to him because he felt like he was missing important pieces from his childhood and he thought she could conquer the world with the right guidance. News flash, I don't think I'm on the right path! My pleas for peace and no conflict don't register with her and simply aggravate her. How could someone with such grand plans for her just leave? Video chat and abbreviated visits are great but he's not here for the impromptu teachable moments that can change a child's world. He's not here when she sees other daddies on tv and wants her own. He's not here to cuddle her and smell her hair when she gets out of the tub at night. This sucks!

But, it with all of this that I must press on and figure out a means to my financial needs and try to raise these three kids (two entering the teen age realm and one in the terrible twos). (Not much left over for myself). Yeah, I've had plenty of offers to help out but it's just not the same. I've thought about packing everyone up and showing up on his doorstep but, heck, I don't even know where he lives! I'm trusted enough to raise our three kids but not with an address. What happened? This is not who he is at his core! He has to be dying inside. (Then I get mad at myself for even wanting to care about how he feels or justifying his actions). And this is how I begin my first weekend of summer break. With a heavy heart, frustrated, and feeling guilty that I just sent Grant off into the wild blue yonder without even giving him a hug and not having a clue if he even packed TP or deodorant for himself. I hope other boys in his patrol took extras or they might tie him up and leave him in the river!

Here's to another great weekend! Bah!

Naked Airhead Stripper Barbie goes to the pool

Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.
Proverbs 20:11

Today, there weren't any real revelations in my life other than realizing that my plan to tire the children out so they'd all fall into bed tonight did the same thing to me ten-fold! Here's kind of what the plan looked like...

6:30 - Stash Annie in the bed with me when she woke up and let her watch at least one episode of Dora before making me crawl from under the covers. I even planned ahead and put a cup of milk next to my bed so she wouldn't immediately scream for that! OK, I admit that I dozed off and woke her to her saying, "What doing, Mama? Open eyes?" She's moved all of her blankets, books, and lovies from her room onto my bed. Oops!

9:00 - Everyone headed to the gym. Girls go to Kidz Klub. Grant and I go do something mildly intense which won't stress my sprained buttocks! (I'm not kidding! I'm still suffering from my treadmill fumble! I asked Grant to kiss it better but he ran screaming from the room)! Before he got onto the treadmill, I warned him NOT to jump off no matter what kind of text message he got! They say hindsight is always 20/20! Duh!

10:00 - Pick the girls up. Nursery worker explained that Annie had jumped from every conceivable location in the kids' area and eventually landed on her nose resulting in some pretty nasty road rash right down the middle of her face. I don't know if the worker was relieved or shocked when I simply chuckled and said, "At least there's no blood involved." Any bets on that worker's reaction to me tomorrow? She'll probably run and hide in a corner when she sees us coming!

10:30 - Pool. Why does Annie hate the pool? Every other member of this family loves to swim. Annie, on the other hand, detests having water in or around her face. She wraps her feet and arms around you and clings tight like those little red-butted monkey babies do to their mamas when you see them on TV. To top the pool visit off, Dasha took two Barbies along to play with. Of course, one of them is naked. Why is it that they can paint panties on Barbies but not bras? It doesn't make any sense! Anyway, Dasha was making the Barbies swing around the metal pole at the stairs into the pool. She proclaimed, "Look, Barbie is a stripper!" What???? From Grant, I would have been mildly amused and then given him THE LOOK which means, "I'm laughing on the inside but knock it off before I knock you out!" That look still doesn't register with Dasha. I about drown myself and Annie trying to get across the pool and shush her before she made the proclamation again. I asked her what made her think that and she proceeded to tell me that some girls had been swinging around one of the poles on the playground at school and said they were strippers. Perfect! She didn't even understand what it meant. I diverted her away from the steps AND the pole and encouraged Grant to play a game with her. They decided to toss the Barbies and dive for them, expect Barbie doesn't sink. I'd already figured her buoyancy had something to do with her bosoms but Grant quickly offered up another reason. With a very serious look on his face, he simply said, "Blond air-heads!" At least his train of thought led him to believe Barbie was floating due to her hollow head and didn't follow the same train into the gutter that I had! I quickly gave him THE LOOK and decided to crawl out of the pool with my baby monkey still attached to me and take the other joker monkeys home, too. (As I looked back toward the pool on the way to the van, I saw mothers huddled over their children covering their ears as we left and looking at us as if we were crazy! OK, maybe it wasn't that bad but folks just don't understand that I've got my hands a bit full right now)!

11:30 - Lunch. Annie demands mac n' cheese. I obey peaceably. By 11:30, I was too tired to argue with her. At lunch, Grant got very quiet and then asked what would happen if you ate a whole tube of Mentos and then drank diet Coke? Um, no more Myth Busters for him! I tried to scare him into thinking that his stomach might explode from the pressure but he quickly reminded me of all of the "pressure valves" the human body has. I'm hoping he doesn't try this. (What would happen? I'd never thought about the implications of that sort of chemical reaction inside your body. I know I gave Eric Alka-Seltzer once when his stomach didn't feel well and he just puked violently. Hopefully, that would be the extent of the experiment)!

12:00 - N A P time!

Things sort of disintegrated from this point on. Dasha has decided that stretching is optional even though she's staggering around and tripping everywhere. When I forced a stretching session (I started off trying to make if fun), she decided to exude 13 year old attitude and gave me a peace of her mind. Then, I battled Annie about a number of various requests such a using her drum sticks to beat the french door like a drum and drinking out of the sippy cup I'd already prepared instead of making her own choice and dirtying up another cup. And, for the finale, I had to demand that Grant clean his room. The boy's idea of cleaning translates into making piles in new areas of his room. I lost count of how many ways he tried to procrastinate. I started to tell him to forget it knowing that he'd be gone for the weekend on a camping trip and then I'd just do it to my liking, however, I know that doesn't do anything to heighten my parental prowess so I just let him whine. I still haven't gone to inspect the final product. I think I'm the one procrastinating now!

Tomorrow, we'll do it all again PLUS run errands. This should be great fun - kind of like getting your eyebrows tweezed or waxed OFF!

Good night!

Magic after-shave

For the last few weeks, Annie has slept with one of Daddy's shirts. I don't know why she decided to do this. The shirt says, "Dunder and Mifflin." Perfect shirt for a toddler, huh? Tonight, she kept handing me the shirt and saying, "Daddy gone. Daddy gone." Seriously? It's 8:30. Grandma and Papa just left after feeding her an ice cream cone and now we're going to do this kind of drama? I think not! However, she persistently kept handing me the shirt. Finally, she started smelling it. It finally hit me. His smell had worn off. I knew I'd seen some left behind after-shave under the counter so I quickly doused the shirt and gave it back to her. She quickly snuggled up and said, "That's good. I smell Daddy," and went to sleep. I wish it was that easy for all of us. A quick once-over with the after-shave and everything is miraculously better. I'd pay REALLY good money for that kind of after-shave!

After my last day at school until the end of July and Annie's last day with her sitter (she's off to Morocco for the summer to see her family - the sitter, not Annie), I'm ready for a few days of nothingness. The kids did convince me to take them to the pool today which wasn't too bad except for Annie's exceptional loathing of getting her face wet. The other kids at the pool didn't really seem to care that her screams were meant for them! However, there was minimal drama or trauma which means it was a success in my book! I, however, did not make a gym attempt tonight. First, my butt feels like an elephant stepped on it. It literally takes my breath away when I sit down too hard. Can you sprain your butt? Second, I just need a night to crawl under the covers and watch a few episodes of Cosby Show and then fall asleep. Maybe I'll go steal Annie's shirt and cuddle up, too!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14.27)

OK - As a side note, for those of you who have asked about the ridiculous blanket on Annie's bed, I wish I could offer you a better answer. Grant was given that blanket at a Halloween birthday party last year and Annie refuses to part with it. She has plenty of other toddler-appropriate blankets which are equally soft and fuzzy but she will only sleep with that creepy puke green spider covered blanket. Believe me, I've tried to convince her to give it up. No use! Not a battle worth fighting right now! I've got to deal with potty training and paci fairies in the next few weeks so the blanket can stay!