Oops, I did it again...

"I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow your statutes"
Psalm 119:59

A few months ago, Andy did a message titled "Guardrails." The premise of the series was simply that you need to establish guardrails throughout your life BEFORE an accident occurs. The guardrails are meant to keep you between the navigational beacons and help you avoid disaster. Preferably, those guardrails would be set back several feet from the actual hazard to allow you plenty of space between you and the danger zone.

Eric and I talked at length about this series. It applies to Grant and his friendships, as well as, many aspects of our lives. (Obviously, some of our guardrails were made out of cardboard or had faulty installation but...). Anyway, one of the biggest guardrails that I needed to be mindful of was standing up for my own needs. I'm not sure why I'm so crappy at that. I usually am willing to sacrifice my own needs for that of others in order to keep peace or meet others' needs but sometimes I do it for the wrong reasons. I'm very good at doing this "martyr-style" and I'm even better and doing it and huffing about it afterward. No matter what style I wrap around it, it's wrong if I'm not willing to do it without a grudge. (I'll tell you now before Anonymous does that this was probably one of the worst things I brought to our marriage - right behind being poor a verbal communicator).

As I mentioned earlier, the number one thing that all of the counselors keep saying is that I need to take care of myself. That means speaking my mind in truth and love. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Nope. Not for me. And just so you know, I failed miserably twice today. Once in an IM where I tried to uphold my boundaries and ended up being Super Broom Rider and the next time, I put Grant in a scary place because of my lack of willingness (or ability) to take authority and speak my mind.

Remember our drunken neighbor? (Let me just note that she and hubby both have pretty high profile jobs for the neighboring school board. Glug, glug, glug)! She came banging on the front door this evening like the world was ending. (She probably thought it was going to. In fact, she had all of her clothes on when she came to the door so she must have been planning on going somewhere)! :) Grant ran upstairs to get me when she started beating on the door. I'd just convinced Annie to go to sleep. The minute I unlocked the door, she bolted in with her little dog in tow. She marched straight to the sofa and sat down. (All the while, our cat who is more like Cujo, kept eyeing her little purse dog. I think I was silently looking for a good fight and some payback)! I did note that she wasn't wreaking of alcohol when she entered so I wondered if she was just giving me a heads up that she was going to sick the HOA on me for the weeds and condition of my yard. Nope, the minute her butt hit the sofa, she jumped up and randomly asked Grant to see his room. Grant looked at me in disbelief. He knew his room was a disaster area and we just aren't in the habit of letting anyone roam the upstairs - especially when Annie is asleep. However, crazy lady didn't wait. She took her dog and headed upstairs. Grant followed after her and I was left just standing there. My mind raced knowing that I wasn't defending my boundaries and I sure wasn't speaking my mind. Although, I'm not sure I would have really wanted the words that were whirring through my mind to actually leave my mouth at that moment. About the time Grant, crazy lady, and her dog cleared the top of the stairs, I heard her stupid little rat dog start squealing like someone was standing on its tail. It wasn't just one little squeal, either. It just kept going. (If Grant had been standing on its tail, he'd have moved quicker than that). In chorus, Annie started wailing, too! She had every right to be pissed that some weird howling noise outside her room scared her to death! I ran upstairs to grab Annie and had decided to tell crazy lady that she needed to leave. As I cleared the top of the stairs, she stood there looking at me very confused and just said, "Oh, did we wake the baby?" Really? Yeah! You also woke the neighbor sleeping two streets over!!! What in the world? Finally, I got Annie back to sleep and gingerly pushed crazy lady back downstairs. She then said, "Mama, I think I'd like Grant to watch my dogs this summer." At this point, I was done. I could tell Grant was really addled and I just told her we'd talk to her later and opened the front door. She didn't get the hint so I had to tell her again that I'd email her later.

Beyond trying to figure out what kind extra special "trip" this lady was on, I'd managed to let her waltz into my home, up my stairs, and into my son's room (oh, and she also "chased" the dog into all of the bedrooms with open doors upstairs, too). What happened to the guardrails I'd put in place about maintaining boundaries and speaking my mind? Failed! Ugh. Why is this so hard for me? What would have been so hard about saying, "Please don't go upstairs. I just put the baby down and it's not presentable for visitors"? Man! This is so aggravating. Just once, I'd like to get this right.

After such a long week and looking forward to another long week, I'm worn out. I really just want to give up. If it was just me, I probably would. I'm so tired of everything being a battle and never feeling like I win. (Yeah, I might have lost the battle but I'll win the war... blah...blah...blah). I feel like my prayers aren't clearing the ceiling (I know they are but sometimes you just feel that way) and that everything that was stable in my life has been tossed into the air and is falling piece by piece and I'm running around like I'm some sort of Looney Toon character trying to catch the random pieces before they hit the ground and shatter into a gazillion more pieces. Meanwhile, I have three kids running around my feet making the job even trickier! I call this "whatever mode" and I can vividly count four times in my life that I've been at this place. It's that point where you're at the mountain peak and teetering. You can choose to slide down one easy side of the mountain and wallow in sin and pity and do whatever makes it feel better OR you can go down the rocky and craggy side inch by inch and scrape your butt, legs, and every other imaginable body part and have to stop and take breathers but know that when you get to the bottom, you'll be in the best place. I'm teetering. No lies. I'm teetering. Enduring the heart-break and continuing trauma of the current path I'm on seems nearly unbearable but I know that the destination will be worth the journey. The hurts from all of the sharp rocks and lonely outcroppings will dull with time. But, man, it just stinks!

So, while I cough up my lungs and wait for NyQuil to take me to lala land, I can tell you that in the last month, I've tried to reinforce every guardrail that I have in place to make sure I'm able to keep myself and all three kids right where we need to be. However, on days like today when I screw up so bad, I just want to stop trying. I know I have to press on and rely on God's strength to carry me through but...

The other dent in my day came when I decided to take the kids to the mall today to ride the carousel after I had Grant's phone looked at at the Apple Store. I didn't even think about the memories we had on the stupid carousel until I was trying to hoist Dasha's 80 pound butt up onto one of the horses and hold onto Annie at the same time. After Ansley came home from the hospital, she had tons of medical equipment which made it nearly impossible to take her anywhere. However, one day, we got brave and decided that every little girl needed a carousel ride in their life. We packed up her stuff and took Grant to ride the carousel. Those memories assaulted me as I stood there going around and around with two carousel horses bumping me from side to side like a warped car wash. Although Annie loved her first ride, I hated it. I knew we'd lose Ansley after that ride but I would have never guessed that I would have lost Eric, too.

I'm really not trying to be morbid day after day. I don't walk around moping and droopy. I laugh and have fun at school and with the kids. However, it's when I finally have a minute to sit down at night and sweep the cobwebs of the day from the back of my brain that this junk seems to show up in the dust pan. Gross. So, I guess this is kind of like my garbage can and I'm dumping the cobwebs and other debris in. I think the garbage bag needs to be changed, though, it's beginning to stink!

They just don't understand...

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).

Today marks one month. Once again, those scabs that seemed to be healing up have been scratched off to reveal a raw and hurting heart. It still only takes a single word of remembrance to bring me to my knees. Today, the word was simply, "Thanks." A random IM about a bill and the response was, "Thanks." That was all it took. I absolutely HATE not being in charge of my emotions. They are like a rogue child that was just given a six pack of Red Bull, shaken up, and let loose at Six Flags. You just never know when it's all going to blow up! As a control freak, it irritates me that something so little (and I'm sure quite insignificant from the delivering end) could issue such a blow. Ugh.

This drama was coupled with the drama of receiving a pretty ugly note from Cobb EMC today. Seriously? Do they not know what I'm going through? They don't seem to care that I've NEVER paid bills before and somehow overlooked their stupid bill for $149.54! They also don't seem to care that I managed to pay every other bill without screwing it up. Seriously? This is one of those situations that I keep talking to Grant about. You just never know what someone is going through so extend grace and mercy (without being a door mat). I'll never forget leaving Egleston hospital and trying to beat the ambulance back to our apartment. We had a team of doctors and nurses delivering Ansley back home (basically to live out her last couple of days in a warm and nurturing environment). My mind was definitely not 100% focused on the traffic on 285. I guess I inadvertently cut someone off and he used the middle-finger salute to me as he passed by. I vividly remember thinking, "I wonder how he'd feel if he was driving home to receiving his dying daughter?" Anyway, I had those same feelings today with the Cobb EMC representative. It also didn't help too much that I couldn't hardly understand a word of her broken English!!! However, they'll get what THEY want in four days when the ebill clears my account. Geez! (In my defense, it would sure help if they actually sent me a real paper bill so I'd know how much they wanted to sap me for)!

Anyway, this is how I've spent my 1 month anniversary of being alone. SUCKS LARGE!

Now, off to bed for more NyQuil and a prayer that this blasted bronchitis will disappear (along with the black cloud I'm letting hover over my head - call it a pity party or whatever you like but it's where I am tonight).

Good night, all!

(Oh, and just in case you caught the nude picture link that Anonymous posted on an older post this morning, consider yourself lucky. That's pretty low and gross)!

I'll have a dump truck full of mercy, please.

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak" (Psalm 31:9-10).

Tonight, there are no words. I'm tired and sick. While the big kids understand that mom isn't feeling well and managed to stay under the radar, Annie doesn't get it (and shouldn't have to). I'm headed to bed in hopes of sleeping off this fever and cough. It's nights like this when I need back up and a very big dose of mercy!

Crazy train...

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer" (Psalm 6:6-9).

Sometimes, I read way too much! I'm the crazy patient who hears a word in a medical office, goes homes and Googles it, and makes a determination on how many more months I have to live. Today, I read something that I think it totally true, though. It said that during "normal" life, you split your energy between emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental activities. However, during times of high stress, up to 85% of your energy is diverted to emotions. This would sure help me justify some of my nutty actions lately! However, the article did NOT place a statute of limitations on these stats! Does this mean that I can still claim that I'm mentally incapacitated in five years? :) Shoot, I tried to make pregnancy related crazy claims well into Annie's 3rd month of life. By month 6, I think folks had caught on that my mental capacity had been permanently compromised and it had nothing to do with pregnancy! Aren't you supposed to ride the crazy train as long as you can? (I'm beginning to think my ticket was booked for a non-stop, round trip ride to no where that will take an eternity)!

Seriously, although almost a month has passed, I still waiver emotionally at times. I've had the distractions of changes at school, different job responsibilities, and my own kids asserting their mental incapabilities on me. This has helped keep my mind going on a hundred different things other than my personal life. I think that's good right now. As I've said before, I don't do too well with emotions. Also, this time of year there are days when it takes that 85% energy level just to keep my emotions zipped up and not let them burst out. Other days, it takes that 85% energy level to keep 24 students from usurping my kingdom and throwing me in the dungeon like Desperaux! Today, they all started chanting at field day and I had that really scary feeling again that I was terribly out numbered! (I say this jokingly. I love my class dearly and I'm not looking forward to seeing them go next week)!

So, my point for this entry is simply that I'm claiming to be short on mental energy these days so I'm going to go ahead and warn you. When you see me sitting in a corner and babbling with drool running down my face, you'll know I'm diverting energies from other areas to deal with my emotional deficits! (I don't have the Energy Star logo stamped on my butt so I'm not too energy efficient and can only handle one major task at a time)!

Hope everyone has a great night! I'm off to bed with a bottle of Robitussin! Bottoms up and lights out!

The Princess Factor

OK, so last night, my thoughts were focused on Grant. Tonight, it's the girls I'm thinking about. I'm going to keep this simple tonight. I'm not going to whine or complain. I've done quite enough of that lately!

My "a-ha" moment on this subject came a few years ago. It was one of those moments when it was like I was handed a puzzle piece that had been missing from my "big picture" for years. Simply put, "Every female wants to feel like a princess."

Since Annie was old enough to talk, she frequently tells us that she's cute and may even repeat it several times until you acknowledge her and reaffirm her thoughts. (It brings back memories of that SNL skit with Stuart Smalley - "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And, gosh darn it, people like me")! If you tell the girl she's cute or give her a crown or princess costume, she just lights up. The same holds true for Dasha. I can't think of any little girl on the face of the Earth that doesn't light up when they feel cherished and like the most valued princess in the world. (OK, yeah, there's a line when princess crosses into diva and I begin to get a little uncomfortable but I'm ok with plain old princess)! :)

However, as I thought about the girls lighting up at the thought of being a princess, I wondered what was driving that motivation. At first, I thought of the zillions of Disney movies and fairy tales where the princess meets Prince Charming and they live happily ever after. But, hey, Annie hasn't seen those movies and she's already motivated by the princess factor. Then what is it? I sure don't walk around in a crown and jewels and encourage the girls to follow suit. (And, if you were looking in the window that one time I did, keep your trap shut - kidding)! After a long time of dwelling on this, I've come to realize that it's something girls are born with- an innate need to feel like a princess and be treated like one. When girls are little, it's about the costume and tea parties and castles. As they get older, it's about Prince Charming (and possibly still the castle). But, if you follow the progression, I quickly realized that you don't ever grow out of this need. Every female must have this need down deep inside to be that princess. However, maybe someone should just stop me now and tell me to add this to my list of "Things to talk to the therapist about." I admit to being a hopeless romantic and I filter everything through my little pea brain with a lens that reads, "What this would look like in a fairy tale..."

If you have girls in your home (young or old), think about this and see what you can do to enhance their princess-ness. Tonight, Grant was out so dinner was by candle light and we wore alumnim foil crowns. (My budget is a bit on the shy side this month so the diamonds and rubies will have to wait until next month or at least wait until I can find the old Bedazzler with the fake jewels)!

If you've ever seen the movie Enchanted, I admit that I got a little confused that princesses weren't all supposed to be thrilled about cleaning. Oops. The girls quickly set me straight, though.

In all seriousness, so many of our young girls are falling by the wayside for hundreds of reasons. I think one of the biggest things that pushes some of those girls over the cliff is the need to be the princess. Think about it, how many teen pregnancies have happened because someone's little girl simply wanted to be the princess for Prince Charming?

OK, I've rambled on about this way too long and I'm not even sure I made sense. I've just had the realization that my girls want to be princesses and there's nothing wrong with that. It's part of something very special in the way God designed them. However, I've also figured out that I want to be a princess, too. So, when you see me out in public places wearing a way too small Cinderella or Snow White costume, please don't be alarmed. Just tell me if any major body part is hanging out of the costume and kindly help me shove it back in so I can go on my way. Also, if I suddenly burst into song as most Disney princesses are prone to do, don't be too shocked, either.

Sadly, for some of us as adults, we have to put down those princess dreams momentarily to tend to raising the next batch of princesses.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

At this point, my life is like a storehouse full of boxes. (Or, I guess this would be where Forest says, "My life is like a box of chocolates"). Each box contains some different scene from my life. Some of the boxes are worn because they contain favorite scenes that I love to look at over and over again. Some of the boxes have been duct taped shut and moved to the back of the room so they're out of daily view. Today, one of those boxes I'd pushed to the back accidentally got knocked over and spilled out as I was trying to rearrange the other boxes.

As I dropped Grant off at my parents' house tonight for scouts, I suddenly saw Grant as a teenager. Not my little Grant but a full fledged teen. He stood taller than my mom and almost taller than my dad. He was standing there with his new "cool dude" clothes on that were graduation gifts. He was talking about band try-outs today and the big field trip they're taking tomorrow on motor coaches. It was like an out of body experience. The gentle giant is man-sized and doing man-sized things! Ugh!

As the thought of his manhood assaulted every emotion in my body, I seemed to be running around like a nut job in my storehouse full of boxed memories and ran face first into a box that I've been packing and repacking and trying to keep the lid closed. The box spilled out all over the place and it's going to take me all night to repack it. Who will help Grant become the man he is to be? I'm in left field when it comes to this man stuff. From the stench, to the fur, to the matters of the heart, I'm incapable. I know that God will put people into our lives to help mold and shape him and, yes, my dad is near but it's just not the same. This is one of those dreams that I'm having to readjust. Man, this was NOT the box I needed to flip over tonight. This isn't like a, "Hey, Merv! Clean up on aisle 4," kind of spill. This is more like the CSI, police tape, crime scene kind of mess where they need hazmat suits to get it all under control. Ugh.



Meanwhile, as I ramble on here, the girls are both playing grocery store and watching Dora together as if they are the same age. There are some nights it bothers me to see Dasha engage in play so fully at a 2 year old's level. However, tonight isn't one of those nights. I'm just glad the girls are busy.

On a brighter note, the meeting with the new principal went well. The most notorious of phrases that will usher in this new era of administration will be, "No cracks in the front or back showing!" OK, I admit that I took me a minute to figure out that the front crack was cleavage. Geez! However, I like his style and I'm looking forward to change next year. While we're shaking up the Boggle cube, we might as well make sure every darn letter gets jiggled and flipped thoroughly! (And to be honest, I'm just hoping the letters don't land to spell out any special four letter words this time)!

As for my assignment as the "Boot Camp Instructor," we had fun. There are only four students (all boys) and we had all sorts of contests. I even took the Nerf gun (number chooser - not a "gun" if you're on school property) and let them collect points by shooting at the board with the suction cup darts. Talk about motivation! I bet I could convince them to pass the SAT if I'd had a real BB gun (or a live target - such as myself)!

It's only 6:00 but the girls have been fed and I'm ready to head to bed and knock out the rest of this cold. Grant has to be at school tomorrow morning before 6:30 so my beauty sleep is going to be compromised! It hasn't been a very monumental day and normally, I wouldn't have ever bothered to post on a day like this. However, in my quest to maintain a journal of my crazy ups and down over the next few days, weeks, and months, I offer up the spilled boxes, Nerf darts, and a big 'ole box of chocolates! However, right now, I'm identifying more with the phrase, "Run, Forest! Run," than, "Life is like a box of chocolates!" If there was chocolate in this house right now, I'd be locked in the closet chowing down on it!

As for my Anonymous friend, I know I can turn the comments off on the blog. However, seeing how truly sad this person is kind of makes me feel better about myself. :) Have you ever watched some else's kids act like complete fools and looked at your own and thought, "I'm a pretty darn good parent?" I guess the comments are a little like that. For now, Anonymous can comment all she wants. (I've looked into having the address traced and all sorts of other things but...). Maybe this sounds really twisted but I guess it's a little like knowing who the competition is!

Who you gonna call? NOT Ghost Busters!

I admit that I'm counting down the hours and minutes to the time everyone in this house will be asleep tonight. It's been one of THOSE weekends. Between trying to squash a nasty cold that was trying to take over my body and Annie's poo problems, there was simply too much drama! (On a brighter note, I think I've beaten the cold and the um, shall we say, obstruction that was causing Annie such distress is now free and her plumbing department resembles what's happening with the Mississippi River right now in LA)!

I had one major epiphany this weekend, though. In trying to do some things around the house that Eric has always handled (changing light bulbs, moving furniture, yard work, fixing technology problems), I became more and more frustrated and felt helpless with the whole situation. Who am I going to call to climb to the top of my bathroom ceiling (very high and weird angled ceiling) to change a stupid light bulb? You don't want just anyone trasping through your bedroom and into your bathroom. Who do you call? (And, no, Ghost Busters aren't on the list for this one either, although, they might could've used their ray guns on me to get rid of my attitude monsters). Anyway, I just felt helpless. Who is going to help me get jars unstuck and other stupid trivial things like that? Yeah, it sounds like the only reason I'm lamenting this whole situation is becuase I need someone to help around the house but that's not it. This is just a snapshot of the big picture.

Anyway, as I grew more frustrated, Grant begin trying to take responsibility for everything. He ended up having one of the worst blow outs since this whole thing started! He feels responsible for me despite my pleas for him to simply be 11! However, with this realization, I started to see the damage I'd done in letting my frustrations show. This puts me in a very sticky situation. I'm trying to be very good about communicating clearly and honestly with him and trying to keep my emotions very neutral with him. However, there are just those moments when you need to blow off some steam. Where do you go to do that when there are three sets of eyes watching? After lots of tears and a phone call with Eric, Grant did calm down but I realized that I'd completely zipped up MY emotions again and pushed them back down so they couldn't be seen in order to protect Grant.

(In counseling, they always referred to your emotions as your "bear" and used a stuffed bear as an illustration. You don't have to share your bear with everyone. In fact, you should only share your bear when you feel safe. Well, right now, my bear has been Saran-wrapped, boxed, bagged, tagged, and put on the highest shelf out of reach of everyone).

After thousands of dollars and hours of counseling, the first thing on the list is always about taking care of yourself and your feelings. Hiding emotions (your bear) is NOT part of this process. I'm working so very hard to be successful at this "taking care of yourself" thing and I'm just not good at it. I'm used to putting everyone else's needs (the kids') first. I have a servant's heart but I've turned it into a door mat. That's not what I've been called to do. I've never seen, "Thou shalt be a door mat unto the world," in the Bible. Yeah, I know I should call a sitter or walk outside or do something like that but sometimes, you just need some freedom to lose it and be mad, sad, lonely, and have a full-blown pity party. I don't have that option right now and I'm beginning to feel the effects. The sad thing is that the kids feel it, too. I'm grumpy and have very little patience with them. Annie is at that age where she's naturally annoying and Grant and Dasha, well, I guess they're at that age too. OK, maybe that wasn't a good excuse. I just need a break. I need to be able to walk away and leave the kids with Eric so I don't have to worry about anything and just lose it for a day or two! As I look back, I can see the mounting stress and I know that I have every right to take a break. This drama peaked during CRCT week which is a monster in itself, then I had the initial shock and questions to deal with, then news of a new principal, then a new assistant principal, then end of the year activities, then dealing with a lawyer, scouts activities, Annie's tummy troubles, my own health issues (stress is NOT good for blood sugar), trying to make it through an entire month paying bills and budgeting on my own for the first time in my life, and then just keeping up with the basics of child rearing, house work, and work. Even if I removed one of these stressors, I'd still be a great poster child for Prozac!

Basically, this situation looks like someone threw a stone (ok, a boulder) into the middle of a lake. Yeah, there was a huge splash that majorly disrupted the water immediately around the rock. However, the ripple effect carries out and over everything in the lake. While Eric and I were at the center of the lake with the boulder, the kids are having the ripples wash over them constantly. I'm trying not to sink but I'm trying to protect the kids from the waves, too. Common sense (along with the AirTran stewards) says to save yourself first so you can then help those around you. But, moms don't normally operate like that.

OK - Maybe I've had a bit too much cold medicine tonight. Every other paragraph is an analogy. It sounds like some lower level college psychology paper. Oh well. It is what it is.

(And, to add to my confusion, the message at church this morning has me very perplexed. I grew up in church. I've heard this stuff a million times before. However, Andy's take on today's verses I've filed in the "Things that make me go, 'Huh?' file." You can check the link if you want to help me out but I'm just stumped as to how to make restitution for emotional damage. You can't repay that. This is just another piece of the puzzle that I need to work out.) http://www.northpoint.org/messages/life_apps (part 3)

Now, I'm headed to bed to get ready for a meeting with the new principal tomorrow and the first day of my position as CRCT (remediation) Boot Camp Drill Instructor. Not looking forward to being out of my own classroom but you do what you gotta' do to keep your job these days! I've decided that my first point of business tomorrow morning will be to teach these students to march in time. Hey, isn't that the first note of business in boot camp? Maybe I'll use this cadence,

Birdie birdie in the sky
Dropped some whitewash in my eye.
I won't fuss and I won't cry--
I'm just glad that cows can't fly.

Oh boy. Enough NyQuil for me. (LRE teachers, if you see students marching in formation down the halls tomorrow morning, think nothing of it)!

Housekeeping and alientation...

"Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Housekeeping...
I've debated all day about whether I should address my Anonymous friend or not. Here's what I've decided. They say that a picture says a thousand words so I'll offer up four of them. Most of what my Anonymous friend says is quite true. I'm spoiled (Eric's fault). I'm a hopeless romantic. And, I pulled the last straw from the shaky house that started the collapse. However, it's quite clear that Anonymous isn't familiar with grace, mercy, or forgiveness. I've prayed for grace and mercy and asked a thousand times for forgiveness. And, as for the comments about my kids, that's where this mama bear snaps. My kids are spoiled. Wouldn't you do everything possible for your kids if one had buried a sister, one had lived the first seven years of her life in a sub-standard institution, and one was a miracle? So, as I said, my Anonymous friend seems to be privy to many details of this situation which I wasn't going to broadcast. Thanks to the numerous texts and posts which help me remember just how human and imperfect I am but how big God's grace and mercy are.

"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6)

Alienation...
Yesterday, I posted that this whole situation was far worse than death because it seems that the moment my heart begins to scab over, the scab is ripped off and everything starts again. In no matter of coincidence, as I was reading last night, the chapter I started dealt with alienation.

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines alienation as "a withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from a position of former attachment."

In my current situation, alienation is the word that describes it. It's not just separation of two high-school sweethearts. It's separation between our friends, family, and those who are bold enough to meddle. It seems that everyone feels a need to take sides. His or hers. The kids are even trying to get in on the action. They feel like if they are loyal to one parent, they are disloyal to the other. It's a trap. My Anonymous friend is really in on the game! I'm too tired to get into the deepest darkest corners of my brain and explain all of my thoughts on this tonight but, believe me, as I read that chapter last night, I felt like it was written specifically for me.

Tonight, I'm heading to bed with the beginnings of a nasty cold. However, I'm also going to bed knowing that Annie's plumbing is now functioning closer to full capacity so I've avoided a hospital trip. (Thank you oranges, grapes, and watermelon)!!! I'm looking forward to getting some rest and then heading to church in the morning. I mentioned not going so I could nurse my cold and the kids revolted. Annie NEEDS her cookies and the big kids don't want to miss the lesson. Hmmmm.... It means so much to me to know that my kids want to go to church (even if it is just for the cookies)! :)

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~Laura Story

For some reason, music has always been an outlet for me. Maybe it was all of those years of music lessons. Who knows. However, I do know that there are a few songs out there that just simply stop me in my tracks. This is one of those songs.

After a great day with my students (story telling, pantomime, juggling, fencing, African dance, world music, and no shortage of laughs), I'm pooped tonight.

Speaking of poop, Annie has been constipated for the last several days (I know, TMI) which is now making her not pee. If I don't get her to pee more, it means going for an IV of fluids. I can't do a toddler and an IV after all I went through with Ansley. The sheer thought of having to write Annie's name on a hospital form makes my head spin! And, to do it alone simply makes me nauseous! The sights, smells, and noises are just overwhelming. So, I will get her up every couple of hours to give her liquids (and MiraLax) to try to get things moving again. I thought we'd moved past this after we had a major poopage yesterday but, hey, I guess after a couple of days, one blow-out doesn't solve all of the problems!

With all of my thoughts spinning around "what-ifs" of taking Annie to the hospital, I've thought quite a bit about Ansley's time with us. I so vividly remember living in a fog for the months she was in the hospital. I just did what needed to get done and kept my emotions stuffed up under the zipper in order to make sure everyone got what they needed. However, looking back, I can absolutely see all of the good that came out of Ansley's life, the details surrounding her care, and even our job situations. Like I said, that hind-sight is always 20/20. In the moment, you feel completely blind but once the dust settles, you can see it all so clearly.

I'm hoping that in time, I'll be able to look back over this "season" of my life and say the same things. However, death is such a certain thing. Once it's over, it's over. Once Ansley passed, I didn't worry about having her pop back in our lives. I worked on moving ahead. There is nothing certain about splitting a family apart and the pain seems to resurface every day in a different way. From finding an old photo to finally changing the sheets on the bed that he slept on. Everything has a memory. Yes, Ansley left memories but it was 9 months worth of memories. This has left almost 20 years of memories, 4 children, and a lifetime of dreams, hopes, and philosophies in shards. And, unlike death, there's still daily communication. Watching someone start a new life and build new dreams, hopes, and philosophies is the hardest part of this whole split for all of us.

So, as for the numbers of you who have genuinely said, "I've been there and I understand what you're going through," I say, "No, you don't." Did you marry the only guy you ever held hands with? Did you marry the only guy you ever even dated? Did you marry the only guy you ever kissed? Did you marry your high school sweet heart? Did you have one beautiful child only to watch her disintegrate before your eyes and have to bury her in front of your 3 year old? Have you trusted God for over $20,000.00 to adopt a child from Russia with special needs and then have to come to the full realization of the extent of those needs? My list goes on. So, please don't tell me that you've been through what I'm going through. Yeah, you may have known life was rocky and then gotten side-swiped seemingly out of the blue but that's probably where the similarities end.

Now, back to my night. I get to spend the remainder of the night waking a two-year old up to give her water (or whatever she'll take) and wondering if she'll take enough to unstop her little tummy. The fear of knowing that I might be headed for a hospital visit alone with Annie makes tonight seem to stretch ahead of me in an indefinite holding pattern. I'm sure some of you are picking up the phone right now to tell me that you'd go to the hospital with me but it's not the same. I have to pretend to be the warrior for the outsiders. With him, I could let my guard down and just be real - cry, stomp, laugh, whatever. Nothing is the same right now. (And, honestly, I'm getting tired of being the warrior).

As the song says, "Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" I'm hoping that all of these raindrops, tears, and sleepless nights are going to be my mercies. However, tonight, I'm heading to bed for a few hours simply hoping for a few moments of relief from everything.

Good night

(Oh, and just so you know, Blogger was down last night so I had a legitimate excuse for not posting)! :)

Direction (not intention) determines your destination...

I'm beginning to think that I need this video surgically implanted in my brain. When we heard this message a few years back, it was life changing (momentarily). My life is so full of INTENT without DIRECTION. I can't begin to count the number of things I've planned to do but never carried out.

For example, tonight I had a sitter. My intent was to go and do something for myself. However, after a quick Publix run to buy juice to unstop a stopped up baby, and then a run to WalMart to buy butt powder for the same baby, I'd run out of time. While I had great intent, I didn't have clear direction and I ended up with a night of errand running instead of a night of perusing Barnes and Noble or wandering aimlessly through JoAnn's looking at fabric.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've learned to plan for direction in ways I never thought I'd have to. From planning to get through an entire month on a monthly pay check to getting my emotions glued back together again (semi-Humpty Dumpty style but at least I used Gorilla glue), I've had to go beyond intentions. I've never had to do that before. I've always had the luxury of having good intentions and then being able to fall back on someone else's plan. Right now, there is NO plan B. My plans must be full of direction and not just intent. What's that old saying? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Yikes.

The road that has led me to this place in my life is littered with piles of good intentions but not much direction. Ugh. What's that other saying that I hate? Hind sight is 20/20?

On a brighter note, I'm heading to bed with a new magazine that I did decide to grab at Publix. Whoo-hoo! This is now what I call an exciting night! Publix, WalMart, and a new magazine. I've also started watching reruns of Glee on Netflix. I love the music in the show but I just keep thinking that the title should have been High School Musical: the Untold Stories or even High School Musical (the rated R version). I'm shocked that this was such a big hit. Whood'a thunk it!

Don't miss your chance...

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:8

As time goes by, we forget how much we appreciate those who've seemingly always been there. From simple things like knowing that there's someone who knows your secrets and still doesn't head for the border to those bigger hurdles like encouraging you through those moments in life where you think you'll simply crumble under the pressure. Take time to tell those folks, "Thank you," and don't take it for granted.

Integrity

"Character is the will to do what is right, as defined by God,
regardless of personal cost." ~Andy Stanley

Tonight, I'll admit that my mental sharpness is equivalent to bristles on a baby's toothbrush. My emotions are wavering between peaks of Mt. Everest and depths of Davy Jone's locker. However, after wrestling for the last couple of days with an issue, I have some resolution. Thousands of dollars of counseling over the last few months have all emphasized one thing as paramount, taking care of yourself and maintaining your personal integrity. The problem seems to be that throwing stones seems to be more socially acceptable (and fun) than looking for that balance of taking care of myself, maintaining my boundaries, and doing what I feel is "right." Anyway, tonight, I will keep it short and simple because I'm too drained to put any more effort into writing something sensible.

Basically, know WHAT you believe, WHY you believe it, and be willing to accept the risks associated with upholding those beliefs if you want to be a person of integrity.

Good night to all! Is it really only Monday?

"Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened." 1 Peter 3:14

Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed. Mark 6:51

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Unzip that zipper!

"Grudge-holding is living in the past. Forgiving is moving forward."

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17-18

Church hasn't been easy for me for the last few weeks. In fact, last week, I just skipped it. My heart has been so raw that I just didn't want to try to wade through all of the muck to try to hear a message and make application or even attempt to worship and let everything end up spilling out right there in the middle of the auditorium! However, my kids actually beg to go to church and get upset when I make up lame excuses not to go. (Annie still thinks church is about cookies, playing in the home-living center, and coloring but she still talks about going all week long)! Anyway, I dodged the bullet last week by saying that we all just needed to sleep in but I knew that wouldn't work again today.

So, I laid out everyone's clothes last night and prepped everything to get ready. I'm still not sure why I can make it out of the house through the week at 6:30 a.m. but struggle to get everyone out by 8:30 on Sunday mornings! It's the strangest phenomenon! Anyway, this morning, things went smoothly with the help of a box of Pop-Tarts as bribery to keep everyone moving along! (Pop-Tarts are normally illegal in the house but Grandma dropped a box off to be helpful - yeah, sugar rushes and non-nutritive breakfast foods are always helpful)! :) But, we pulled into the parking lot in time to get everyone settled into their environments and that left me without an excuse to avoid going into the auditorium.

After walking as slowly as possible and making an unnecessary bathroom stop, I dawdled into the darkened room hoping there wouldn't be any seats left. Nope. No luck there. The usher quickly spotted a seat just for me. I just didn't want to be there. It's not that I'm mad at God or blaming Him for this mess. I've just worked really hard to zip all of these emotions up and usually do pretty good at keeping them all tucked away. Church can be kind of unpredictable, sometimes, though. You never know where the message will land and I was terrified that it would end up landing smack dab in the middle of my zipper that was already bulging and everything would go spewing out.

The band started and the first song was Everlasting God. The lyrics go something like...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I was fine until, "You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak..." Come on now! Did they really need to do that one? I've already told you how weary I am. At that point, I could feel the zipper across my heart pulling more taunt with every verse. Had I been alone in that room, I would have probably just melted into a puddle in the middle of the floor. I would have screamed out all of those unintelligible questions at the ceiling. But that sure wasn't going to happen. I'm uncomfortable when other people cry for some reason and I sure as heck don't like to show emotions in front of others - even in the darkness of the church auditorium with the strobe lights distracting those around me from my actions.

They finally ended the first song and moved into "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone." Ok. I give up. At that point, I knew I was in for a long hour of trying to control my emotions. I'm not sure whether it's the relief of pressure of not having three kids looking to me for their strength or just the simple holiness worship but I gave up trying to hold it in and just let the tears roll. I'm not sure exactly where all of those tears came from but I think I might be dehydrated after that! :)

My point of this rambling mess tonight, is simply that after releasing the zipper from my heart and letting the emotions spill out right there in public, I was able to hear the message for the first time in weeks. Yeah, I'd heard the last few messages Andy had taught but today I was actually able to hear and understand because I wasn't so darn focused on keeping control of my emotions.

We're in the second part of a series called Life Apps at our church. And this week, of course, the "life app" was forgiveness. Really? Come on, now! This is the last thing I want to hear about right now! However, it was no mistake that I'd finally let go of the emotions and actually heard today's message. I felt like I was the only one in the room and Jeff was speaking directly to me! It's those kinds of mornings that reaffirm God's plan for our lives. Although, I have to tell you that I've had some serious doubts over the last few weeks!

I'm going to stop my rambling now and get everything ready to roll out of here at 6:30 in the morning as the kids (and teachers) begin the final count down to the last day of school - although I'm not sure what I'll do when school is out. I love my class and the ladies I work with!

If you have a moment, watch the message from this morning. Even if you aren't a "churchy" kind of person, you'll find the historical elements very interesting and the visitor from the book Unbroken (same author as Seabiscuit) amazing. Maybe you'll get something out of it, too. I know that God had done quite a work on my heart before I ever pulled my butt out of the seat this morning.

Hope everyone has a great end to their weekend!

http://northpoint.org/messages/life_apps/part-2

Close of business thoughts for today...

It's been a productive day but I'm pooped! Here are the highlights.

7:00 - 10:00 Try to feed, clean, and dress kids in semi-matching, semi-clean clothes in order to take a picture for my mom for Mother's Day.

10:00 Load three kids into the van to go and take the picture. It was like having Laurel, Hardy, and Sponge Bob in a photo shoot. Without my realization, Grant was pondering the shoot part (as seen in this photo). In less than 15 minutes, I had over 100 shots and probably only about 5 that were truly gift giving material. Oh well. I checked it off of the list!

11:00 - 1:00 Time warp sucked this part of my day away. I really can't account for it! Hmmmm....

1:00 - 3:00 Nap time for everyone including myself! This was a much needed luxury! Whew!

3:00 Hair cut (For the first time in my adult life, the silly little smock they ask you to wear when you get a hair cut buttoned all the way down. Wow! The stress diet beats out Weight Watchers for sure! Maybe I should devise a point system for different stressors. Annie having a tantrum would probably be at least 2 points while dodging flying chairs would be more like a 5 point splurge! I also was able to buy my first pair of Old Navy jeans off of the rack back in December. It's the little victories that make me so happy)!

4:00 Begin planning dinner. Kids begged to go "out." Do you know what it's like trying to eat out with Annie? Even when I'm not outnumbered, it's still not fun! I succumbed to the peer pressure though and we looked through the coupon box, got online, planned what each person would eat, wrote it down, and headed for the restaurant. You laugh at my lack of spontaneity but everyone in the restaurant was very grateful that we had a plan to get in, eat, and get out as quick as possible!

5:30 Groceries, ugh!

6:00 - 8:00 The kids just needed to run wild for a while and I was tired of them doing it inside the house and adding to the chaos! They say, "If you love it, set it free," right? I set all three kids free on the playground and was determined not to strap anyone back into the van until I'd seen them at least yawn three times and beg to leave at least once.

8:00 I realized that the groceries were still in the back of the van. Oops! Believe it or not, everything frozen was still in a semi-solid state and the milk was still cool to the touch so we're just going to pretend like there was no extended field trip involved for the frozen stuff!

8:15 Had to run by dad's to pick up some rope for Grant to work on making knots for Scouts. I was very concerned when the first thing he did was to make a noose. After he goes to sleep tonight, those ropes are going to disappear for my own sake! :) At some point, though, I realized the "rope stop" was taking much longer than intended. Annie's 7:00 bedtime was long gone, too! I gave her a quick bath at dad's just to rinse the grit off of her from the playground and then stuffed everyone back into the van.

8:45 Drove the long way home with the sunroof open and my tunes blaring. As Annie drifted in between la-la land and the reality of knowing she was exhausted, I was tempted to just keep driving and enjoying the peacefulness. I do some of my best thinking in the car under those conditions (usually minus the kids but, hey, it works)! Tonight's train of thought revolved around making an analogy to my current mess and a hit and run accident. One car accidentally (hopefully) crashes into another one causing damage. However, the one with the least damage flees the scene leaving the injured car to deal with a wrecker, insurance, and possible injuries. Hmmm.... Not sure this fits perfectly but it sure helped me file some thoughts in my head into neater piles. Kind of scary to realize that these were the thoughts in my mind as I was driving around with all three kids asleep in the car!

9:15 Everyone is showered and in bed. Whew! Now I can move on to checking off the last few items for the night. Laundry and dishes. Or, maybe I'll just leave them until after church tomorrow and see if the house keeping fairy will stop by tonight. I keep hanging the door sign out requesting service but for some reason, she keeps skipping this house. I'm wondering if I've been black-balled in house keeping fairy land!

Note to a weird-o:
If my daily notes as to my whereabouts and musing bug you, I apologize. Actually, no I don't. Just click that little X button at the top of your screen and stop reading if I'm bugging you! I make note of this because I've gotten several comments over the last few days and weeks that are almost of a threatening nature regarding my blog. Since those comments are anonymous, I'm not sure who they are coming from (duh, isn't that what anonymous means?). However, my daily babbling here is simply therapy for me. It helps me take my mounting emotions and thoughts and dump them into one area, organize them, and then move on. I'm not posting this stuff in order to have a following of folks feeling sorry for me. I have no need for anyone's pity or even charity. It took two of us to get into this mess and I will gladly admit to my share of the issues. However, no where along the way have I solicited help or anything else. So, in closing, to the nut case that continues to post nasty notes on this blog that I have to delete in the wee hours of the morning, feel free to continue doing this if this is your method of therapy. However, I will continue this path of self-therapy, as well, since most therapists in the greater Atlanta area would take a look at me and run for the hills!

If you're not the weird-o stalking me on my blog, then I apologize for ranting. Why are people so ridiculous? As the kids watched some show on Animal Planet last night, there were two wild cats (who knows what kind) fighting each other. They were ready to fight to the death. Dasha was mortified. However, I think humans are even worse. They don't fight to the death. They just fight to maim!

OK, I've officially decided that the load of laundry in the dryer will stay there for the night and the dishes in the sink will just get an extra few hours to soak. I'm going to bed.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

Stupid is as stupid does...

No, I'm not calling Annie stupid! Let's just clear that up right now! This is just the only real photo I have of one of the kids doing something ridiculous that's totally legal!

Why do people do stupid things? If people would stop doing stupid things, the "here's your sign" industry would go belly up! Tonight, though, I believe I'm the stupid one that deserves a sign stapled to my forehead.

Yeah, it's been a very long week. Yeah, the kids are all struggling. Grant wakes up screaming. Annie roams the house looking for Daddy and continues to say he's in TX or getting coffee. And then, there's Dasha. It's just so hard to know exactly how much of this situation Dasha understands. I do best when things are either right or wrong. No or yes. Up or down. Black or white. Dasha dwells in grays.

We've had test after test to determine her exact mental capabilities. Most of those tests show that she's capable of average intelligence but the problems come in the area of processing. Many times, this means that it takes her a whole lot longer to process directions you've given and sometimes she has to dwell on a concept for days before she suddenly has an "a-ha" moment. There have been NO "a-ha" moments this week for her!

Wednesday night was traumatic for everyone as final good-byes were made. However, in her efforts to process the emotions surrounding the situation, she got violent with me. What I didn't know then was that we were at the top of the roller coaster and it would just go down hill from there!

On Thursday, I got multiple reports of Dasha's antics at school. She'd lied, hidden work in her desk, gotten sassy and disrespectful with both a teacher and an administrator, and then continued on the same path with me at home. (Mind you, I'm not in a perfectly peachy state of mind either)! Despite her actions, we did our best to complete homework. We made it though a portion of the work and then realized that the directions for the huge project she was supposed to complete (it had been due Thursday but she didn't finish it) were back at school hidden in her desk somewhere.

Now, I'll admit to you that as this scenario unfolded, I was counting all of the animals I could think of in my head that eat their young and wondering what it would be like to be reincarnated as one of those animals. Annie was also in melt down mode which added a glorious melody to the entire house, as well. Grant was lucky to escape the scene for a bike clinic, at least. But, you get the picture of the bedlam that was suffocating the hours from 4:00 - 9:00 last night!

Back to Dasha, we eventually packed up her papers and simply called it a night. I still didn't have a grasp on what she'd done and not done but I knew I couldn't tolerate her attitude for another second. (Another on-going issue - Are the actions related to the traumatic events of the week, simply based on teenage hormones, her sensory overload issues, or a weird mix of everything - and, how do you disciple and deal with that mix)? She went to bed quickly and quietly without too much fuss and I was grateful for that!

Then, as if a scene from Groundhog Day, it all started again with the alarm clock buzzing me awake! The only difference today, though, was that Dasha landed herself a coveted spot in in-school suspension and still didn't finish her work. In order to spare you the details of the remainder of my day, I'll skip to 5:00.

We finally made it home and I got dinner on the table. I'd already decided that I was going to be proactive with Dasha's work for next week and we'd get some of it done this weekend. I set her up at the dining room table and helped her get her things organized so she could start task number one of Operation Don't Eat the Children weekend! She completed next week's spelling in record time. It was the wrong list of words but, hey, she was compliant. Then, the whining began. It started like a dull roar similar to tire noise when you're inside a luxury car with the windows rolled up. Then, it got louder. (Think Blue Angels doing a fly-by over your house). Mind you, I was doing my best to leave her alone and let her express her disgruntled comments in solitude. Then I heard it. I knew the sound of the chair hitting the wall (my newly painted walls for that matter). By the time I rounded the corner into the dining room, I know I'd counted to ten at least ten times but it wasn't working.

Her excuse, "I'm just tired and don't want to do hard work. I don't like it." I calmly tried to reason with her and explain to her all of the events in my life that are hard work and don't really make me jump for joy and painted her a picture of what life would look like for us if I didn't do those hard things. I don't think she cared or understood because the chair to her other side suddenly flipped over, too. (I'm still pretty sure that her foot had something to do with it)!

At this point, my mind raced as to what my next move should be. Should I overlook her sheer defiance and seeming anger and just coddle her and tell her things will get easier? (I sure as heck wish someone would do that for me right now)! Should I send her to bed and ultimately give her want she wanted? I needed a win - win situation of some sort but as I frantically sorted through all of the dusty files of Cosby show reruns in my head, I couldn't seem to figure out what creative move Heathcliff Huxtable would have made. I could think of what Hank Hill, Homer Simpson, and Ward Cleaver would have done but I drew a blank about something reasonable. I just walked away... until the next chair crashed into the wall.

I hoisted her over my shoulder, carried her out the front door, sat her on the porch, and went back inside. Don't panic! I could clearly see every move she made from the window (and where in the world did she learn some of those motions?)! She needed a brain reset and I needed a second to remind myself that I'm the only adult on duty so I can't go for broke on her behavior because I might not have anything left to spend if one of the others tries something stupid!

She sat there for less than two minutes before I opened the door. (OK, I admit, I was terrified that our crazy neighbor was going to stumble out of her house in a drunken stupor and question my motives of putting one of my kids on the porch in the dark)! We had a very interesting discussion while she sat on the porch in her pjs and I stood there in the doorway (I am very glad that I'd put on semi-presentable pjs, too! I'm sure our neighbors already had quite a show)! When I asked Dasha to explain to me why I was so upset, she looked up and simply said, "Because you're the mom." Insert knife in my heart, twist, and repeat! Really? Is that how she feels? I did regroup quickly enough to carry on a reasonable conversation with her and explain to her that in order to re-enter my house, she'd have to follow my rules, and basically gave her a mom speech but my heart was still aching.

So, now that everyone is in bed for the night, I'm left to ponder this. Does she really think that the only emotion I can show is negative? Yeah, I've been under a lot of stress and I'm emotionally drained and ducking flying dining room chairs isn't my idea of a stellar after dinner workout but what's going on in her mind?

I didn't think she really understood the permanency of the situation but I didn't think it was something she was dwelling on, either. So, I now have one child who thinks he's supposed to be the man of the house, one that is lost in an emotional abyss, and one who roams the house looking for the most precious "possession" she had and can't find it. I'm simply outnumbered and overwhelmed.

I saw a sign today that said, "Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone." All I can say is that I must really be living large right now because my comfort zone is so far behind me that I can't even remember it!

For tonight, I'm heading to bed to find some crazy Hulu sitcom to take my mind off of this mess. I'm sure Annie will not understand the "Do Not Disturb" sign if I put it on the door and she'll still demand to be let out of her cage at 6 a.m. sharp for breakfast! Ugh!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Exposing yourself...

In my pursuit to at least write something on this page every day, I fear that I must write the truth tonight. It's not funny and it's not too interesting but it's my life today.

Up until the last few weeks, I felt like I'd been a very private person. There were very few folks that I let enter my sacred personal bubble. I'm just not keen of having lots of people in my business.

Then, we changed small groups. As is the SOP when forming a new group, each person is supposed to share their personal journey story with the group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that in laying all of your dirty laundry out for others to see you open yourself up to be a more integral part of the group and everyone bonds more quickly. We didn't hide any truths. That was the first time we'd hung the dirty laundry out for everyone to see outside the realm of a counselor's office. He went first and then I followed. There was silence. I'm mean, what do you say when someone just dumped their dirty unmentionables out in the floor for all to see? High fiving is definitely out of the question. Awkward silence isn't much better. I really don't remember what happened after the laundry basket had been up-turned. I think I've purposely blanked that moment out just as mothers blot out the pain of child birth and somehow look back and say, "That wasn't all that bad. Let's try for another baby!"

At least we had each other to lean on, though. We'd just exposed ourselves to an entire group (six other couples). It was full Monty style stuff!

Today, I had to do it alone. Venerable doesn't even begin to touch the feelings I had sitting in the lawyer's office. My heart kept telling me to run away as fast as I could but my brain somehow kept my butt planted in that cushy chair. (Maybe that's why I'm feeling brain dead tonight! Keeping my butt planted is a big job for one little brain)!!! Anyway, the lawyer ask dirty details. Details that I didn't want to share. She made comments that I really didn't want to hear. She drew conclusions and compared things that weren't necessary. What motivates folks to go into family law? Who would want to deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis. I'm convinced that the little old lady sitting behind that enormous desk was a step-child of the Grinch. Questions, questions, and more questions. Questions that I didn't feel she needed to know followed by comments that my heart told me were untruths. I'm not after venegence but her heart seemed to be motivated by only that.

Have you ever heard someone say that before giving a speech, you should just picture everyone in the audience naked and you'll feel less nervous? (OK, first of all, if I did that, I'd end up bursting out laughing hysterically because I'd imagine some weird-0 with an anatomical defect sitting right in the front row OR I'd envision it as a scene from the old Coocoon movie with old hangy dangly body parts drooping all over the place and I'd puke right there on stage)! Anyway, I felt like I was the naked one sitting there today. Personal business that no stranger should know or ask about, all being pulled from the laundry basket. I admit that I didn't dump the basket out eagerly or even let the laundry slide out slowly. I gingerly took out the most obvious pieces such as the socks and jeans and handed those over first. By the time this lady was asking for the undies, I was ready to bolt.

I have decisions to make. Decisions I NEVER thought I'd be faced with. Decisions I'm not prepared to make. Do I use Clorox and bleach everything to a institutionalized white or do I use the Dreft or Ivory and the gentle cycle and just hope the dirt gets washed away without destroying the garments? Ugh! As I said yesterday, I'm weary. I'm weary of decisions. Weary of dirty laundry. Weary of not only having to expose myself but of having to listen to others' renditions of how it all happened while I sit there naked. (Have you ever had an OB/GYN appointment and they left you sitting in the exam room for an extended period of time with nothing but that fancy little paper shirt on? That's what I felt like and the shirt was definitely way too small)!

Tonight, I will rest with a very heavy heart but I will rest knowing that God knows how many hairs are on my head. (He's probably had to start an Excel file to keep up with the gray ones) but He even knows when a tiny sparrow falls to the ground but He deems me even more important . As I was reading last night (my new lullaby is to read myself to sleep), I ran across this in a blog that I really like. http://www.backtothebible.org/index.php/Gateway-to-Joy/When-the-Sparrow-Falls.html Although I know what's written is truth, but it's a very big task to put to understanding right now! I feel like a sparrow that's in some sort of digitally altered fall which just keeps going and going and going.

A naked and exposed sparrow hurling toward the ground at terminal velocity.

I know that's not the truth but in my weary and feeble mind tonight, as the kids are upstairs sleeping and the house looks like an atomic bomb was dropped (heck, it looks like a bomber squad flew over and dropped a whole arsenal of bombs), I will head upstairs to MY bedroom where one side of the closet is completely empty and one side of the bed is still neatly made up and crawl under the covers to sleep this off alone!

Luke 12:7 (New International Version, © 2011)
⁷ Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Run and not grow weary...

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

So, today, I had to attend a workshop about error analysis in math. (Notice that I said that I HAD to attend it). I entered the high school's ROTC room where the meeting was to be held at 7:45 this morning. Other ladies piled in the room, as well. And then, the boredom began. The speaker was a very respected mathematician from Chicago with an extremely dry sense of humor (think Three Stooges on Benadryl and alcohol). Over the period of six hours, this guy went through all 176 pages of his instructional book. The biggest take-aways I had from the meeting were facts such as the ROTC room had 14 light covers and each cover held 3 bulbs. The bricks on the wall outside of the window in that room repeat every 7th row. Instead of starting the tiled floor in the middle (like you're supposed to) and cutting the tiles around the edges, the builders started the tiles at the front of the room and cut the row at the back. And, wait, here's the biggest A-Ha moment of my day, I could get a cell signal in the ROTC room but not in bathroom stalls three or four in the 100 hallway. Get my point? (I sure hope county brass doesn't read this but, geez! If you're going to present, learn to talk to your audience and keep them from feeling like they need to play iPhone games to keep themselves awake)! Back to the point, it was a long boring day. The highlight, beyond knowing the repeating pattern of the bricks, was going to Publix for lunch to grab a sandwich! Whoo-hoo! People who work in corporate America really take for granted being able to escape for lunch or run an errand on your lunch break. That doesn't happen for teachers! You never know who's going to puke or eat something they're allergic to or even which kid might decide to test out that cool trick they saw on some show the night before which involves a plastic fork, grapes, and mashed potatoes!

Why am I rambling on about all of this? Because I'm tired. Boredom tires me out faster than manual labor! However, I'm not just normal tired. I find that I'm getting weary! I'm weary of emotions and difficult conversations. I'm weary of folks knowing more than I want them to know. I'm weary of trying to explain things. I'm weary of trying to compromise and work things out. I'm weary of trying to figure things out. I'm weary of replaying where and why things went wrong. I'm weary of never knowing what normal is! (Yeah, I know. Abnormal is the only normal). I'm just plain old weary.

So, after a day of listening to the male version of Charlie Brown's teacher, I went back to my school to put in some extra hours that we have to make up for all of those blasted ice days! As I drove home, I realized that today was the last day (maybe for forever) that I'd be able to say that my husband had picked the kids up in order to help me keep all of my commitments. That one thought made my "weary meter" skyrocket just like one of those cartoons where the character hits the lever with the mallet and sends the little button zinging up and off of the scale and into orbit! There won't be any more coming home to gourmet home cooked meals like the one I came home to tonight complete with steak, rice, and green beans with peas. The kids will be lucky to get Cheerios by candle light on those extra special nights instead of a Lunchable. I won't come home to neat piles of laundry folded on the bed and ready to put away like I did tonight. We'll be back to digging clean clothes out of a laundry basket in the hallway. And, beyond all of the misery, the kids won't be able to come home to daddy in the office with his music turned up and three computer monitors all jumping with different data. This doesn't even touch bedtime routines when Annie asks for Daddy to take off his glasses and blow on her tummy or Grant sharing some rude YouTube video joke before lights out or Dasha asking one of those questions that only she can ask. Weary doesn't even begin to touch the feelings that mount inside of me when I think about trying to fill all of these jobs.

However, as I finish reading the Love Dare book (why not, what do I have to lose?), Isaiah 40:31 was the key scripture. It's moments like this that make me realize that God know my every whine, my every fear, my every thought (good and bad) and is still making provisions for me. So, tonight as I head to bed (after I get those neat little piles of laundry off of the bed - sorry Eric, I'm sure they'll get put away tomorrow :)), I will rest in knowing that even as I begin to grow weary and feel the weight of everything pressing in on me, He will carry me (and the rest of my family who are all feeling this same stress right now).

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

My goal for the next month is to post at least something to the blog each night. Reading back through the trials I've blogged about and then seeing how provisions have been made to see me to the other side encourage me to keep pressing on. Hopefully, in a month, I'll be able to read back over these blogs and see that I've fought a good fight and am soaring with wings like an eagle!

A day in the life...

6:30 Mama, open door! Mama, I hungee. Need milk.

6:35 I give up and go get her. I plop her in my bed and que up some Leapster Learning show on Netflix. It's educational, right? I just want another 25 minutes of sleep.

6:45 Mama, what doing? Mama, want milk!

6:46 I give up and move the party downstairs for milk and grits. I check emails and wash up last night's dishes while the princess finishes her breakfast.

7:00 Back upstairs to start a load of laundry. By this time, Dasha is up and plays with Annie long enough for me to round up laundry and get a load started.

7:15 Dasha heads downstairs to get some breakfast while I play dolls (and weed through the winter clothing that'll be too small by next year only to realize that Annie doesn't have any summer clothes)!

7:30 Dasha comes back upstairs so I can at least go brush my teeth. We're heading to my sister's baby shower at 11 so I have to start getting ready NOW if we're to make it on time!

7:32 I can't piece together an outfit for Dasha to wear to the baby shower so I decide to cut off a pair of her jeans and make them capris. I get that accomplished and realize that I never brushed my teeth!

8:00 I hear Annie outside my door saying, "Need that! Need that!" She was perched on a toy and hanging from the rickety ironing board (with the iron still sitting on it) trying to get the scissors from my hack job on Dasha's jeans. Mental note to self, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

8:33 Back downstairs to play kitchen. However, Annie decides she wants more milk - except Dasha used the last of it for her cereal. Now, Annie hangs from the refrigerator handle screaming, "Need milk, need milk, need milk."

8:45 Grant gets an invitation to go with Grandpa instead of go to the shower but Grandpa is on his way to pick him up NOW!

8: 46 I jump in the shower and beg Grant to watch Annie just long enough for me to actually shave my legs and wash my hair! Half way through the first leg, Grant bangs on the door and proclaims that Grandpa was there and ready to go. Grrrr.... Annie is then invited into the bathroom with me where I end up having to leave the shower door open in order to supervise her. Crap. No shaving the other leg.

8:50 Annie decides to change her own diaper by removing the poo filled one and leaving it on the carpeted floor and runs her naked butt down the hall leaving a trail.

9:00 Put my pjs back on when I realize that the outfit I was going to wear never made it out of the washer earlier.

From 9:00 a.m. - 9:00 p.m., I will admit that I threw one box of gummies at the wall, turned the radio up to drown out a screaming child (who only wanted to be unstrapped from the car seat and sit in the back with her sister), and had an excessive amount of ugly thoughts, and even neglected to lay everyone's clothes out for church so I could avoid doing this drama again this morning (although we kept to nearly the same schedule). However, I do have to make note that while at the baby shower, my aunt handed over a box with enough Annie sized clothes to get her through the next year of her life. Hmmm.... some times prayers are answered despite our own stupidity!

Basically, you get the picture. I've had so many folks say, "I just always thought you had a perfect life!" Well, let me let you in on a secret. You might be surprised to find out that if humans are involved, it ain't gonna be perfect! The last two weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life. And, if you don't know, I've watched a child die, buried her, adopted over-seas, and been on a marriage roller coaster but the last two weeks top it!

There are a few things that remain unchanged, though. 1) Agape love is unconditional and eternal. I saw a quote today that read something like, "Jesus isn't looking to crush the heart that's strayed. He's waiting to rejoice over the heart that's come back!" 2) I have awesome kids and friends. You never know who your real friend are until the crap hits the fan and you need to be bailed out without question or condemnation. 3) Too many Christians are willing to stone others. Yes, there is a definite call for accountability and adherence to Biblical principles but we are also called to love.

With that being said, NO, my life is far from perfect right now. I'm praying for brighter days but in the meantime, I'm resting in Galatians 6:2-5. "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load."

I purposely didn't publish this post for a few days. I just wanted to think I was in a nightmare and going to wake up. But, now, as I stare at the phrase, "Plaintiff respectfully shows that the Parties hereto have made diligent and sincere attempts to reconcile their differences and preserve this marriage; however, there exists no possible hope or prospect for reconciliation between the Plaintiff and Defendant," I guess I have to admit what my brain kept telling me but my heart didn't wouldn't consider. And, by the way, I'd like to meet the very sad person who wrote this crap! They obviously never were in love and knew what it felt like to be brought to your knees together over one circumstance but brush each other off and pull each other up to climb the next mountain. Blah!