Dating for Divorced Dummies

OK. This post has been rattling around in my head for months. I’ve revisited and revised the initial post multiple times. I think I’ve actually deleted the whole post several times. Why? This is the real stuff. This is the mine field that I’m living in. I perceive it as dangerous to post this stuff. Dating. I’ve retitled this post multiple times, too. Dating for Dummies. Divorced Dating. Dating Dorks. And, maybe the best one yet would be Dang Dating Disasters. Anyway, as I muck through this post, bear with me. Like I said, this is really where I’m living right now and it’s like swimming through a sea of frustration and confusion with a grateful heart.

So, most of you know that I have put my foot back into the dating pool a bit. There was one marathon relationship, one half-marathon, and a few sprints. Here’s what I’ve learned through this…

1. It’s ok to ask for a full financial and health work up prior to the second date. There’s no need to waste anyone’s time.
2. Ask about the ex. If his eyes turn into red lasers and smoke starts billowing out of his ears, he probably hasn’t come to grips with the circumstances yet and doesn’t have a true understanding of grace. (If the eyes turn into lasers, ask for a criminal background check, too)!
3. Don’t even tell the kids that you’re going out until you’ve seen the guy several times and are quite sure that he isn’t a creepster.

Well, those are just the basics. I’m finding that this whole situation is simply terrifying. Dating with three kids in tow is nothing like dating without little ones you’re responsible for. Every move I make is watched by them. The way Grant sees me date is how he’s going to date. Lord help me, but the way Dasha sees me date is what she is going to deem acceptable from a date. And then there’s Annie… Now that she’s in preschool and sees and hears about other families, she realizes that our situation isn’t “normal” and has driven a stake through my heart more than once asking her innocent questions the differences in our family versus those of her preschool friends. (Please note that my kids have only met 2 dates. Two. That’s it – marathon and half-marathon. Like I said, it’s just too risky).

Can you tell I’m muddling through here? I feel like there are spider webs trapping the thoughts I’m trying to get out but for some reason, it’s important to me that I get the thoughts out TONIGHT. Weird.

Let me take another path here… Brokeness. I’ve found that divorce leaves most folks in pieces with nothing more than resentment, hurt, and thoughts of revenge surrounding them. And, can I remind you that these are people that I agreed to go out with? These aren’t criminals that I picked up at WalMart. These are professionals that are engaged in society and all have had some sort of acknowledgement of a spiritual background. Whew. More than once, I’ve been left to try and sort through someone else’s baggage and wade out far enough to realize that it’s not my job to clean up their past. I can’t. By nature, I love to fix people. I love to give and I love to create peace. I love to sweep in and save the day. However, I’m freaking worn out. And quite honestly, I had the epiphany that it’s simply not my job to have to go in like Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs and rework someone’s issues. I’m so leery to leave that statement without justifying and re-justifying it. That all sounds so cold and heartless. However, it’s something that I won’t back down on. I’m not Dr. Phil. I understand that no one is perfect and I’m not looking for perfection. And, maybe part of my reservation about writing this is that I’m having a hard time figuring out what the difference in having real issues is with being a human being and trying to live in an abnormal world. Anyway, the bottom line is that I’ve found out how grateful I am that God was already holding my heart before this leg of my marathon started and that He has protected me from the raging resentment and hate that seems to tear outwardly strong and healthy men into shreds of helplessness and neediness that exhibits itself through seeking relationships to fill those needs. Make sense? If not, don’t worry about it because I’m still working on processing it too and I’m the one who’s knee deep in it!

The dating scene has definitely made me open my eyes, though. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process. And, that’s exactly what it is… a process. I’ve experienced things that I never thought I would have. I learned that I like sushi. I learned that singing karaoke isn’t for me but I’ll be more than happy to sit back and laugh at others who have the guts to do it. I learned that I have to police myself carefully because I’m willing to deny who I am and what I really want in order to make others seem happy. I learned that somewhere along the line I’d convinced myself that being a high-maintenance woman was a bad thing and wanting flowers, cards, or some other outrageous token is actually ok. I learned that my standards for anyone who will be in contact with my kids is sort of unrealistic but I’m not willing to compromise. I learned that if I say, “No,” and you don’t respect it, I’ll give you a three second head start before I release Annie on a Mtn. Dew high to attack you. Actually, yeah, that whole saying “No” situation was probably one of the scariest of my life and I learned that I trust way too quickly. Lesson learned and won’t be forgotten any time soon. I also learned that I’m pretty darn well-rounded. I know how to eat dinner in a nice restaurant (and wear heels without permanently injuring myself) and I also know how to bait a fishing hook with a real worm (not those plastic ones or a bobber). I still get a laugh about that one!

Bottom line, I’m thankful. This is definitely not the journey that I signed up for and I definitely had some rough spots (and will probably experience them every time someone brushes up against a bruise that hasn’t completely healed) but I can honestly say that I don’t walk around thinking about how to get rat poison into his coffee. I look around at my life and thank Him for sheltering me when I thought the storm would surely blow me off the path and out to sea. He has given me the strength to continue raising three kids which all seem to be constantly pulling at me like I’m one of those piñatas with strings attached that the kids pull to release the load of candy. (Joke is on them, though. When they finally bust me, nothing is going to pour out except Calgon and Tylenol)! It’s with a very thankful heart tonight that I sit and type this knowing that all three Shrinky Dinks are tucked into their beds and asleep. There’s food in the fridge. There’s a roof over our heads. There’s gas in the van. There’s enough money in the bank to pay the bills for another month. And, this house is truly a home that has been blessed over and over again.

So, whether I ever decide to go on another date again or if I decide to start collecting cats and become a crazy cat lady who lives alone, I can truthfully say that my heart breaks for the thousands of people who don’t escape the dark side of divorce and make that darkness their home. His grace has been more than sufficient for me.

Good night, all.